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So I had a weird moment tonight, but it requires a bit of backstory first.

Plain and simple, the girl I cared for married someone else, the same night I had a gig dj'ing a local wedding reception (she lives on the other end of the state.) Why I keep taking wedding sets I don't know. They bother me, every moment of them. I don't know if its some base repulsion, or simply bitter jealousy, but its there. Heh, a wedding dj who hates weddings. Crazy, right?

So here I was tonight, walking with my mother and dog. I'd kept the whole of this happening to myself. Hell, I tend to keep most of what happens to me firmly to myself. Yeah, I might wallow in it at times, but at some sick level I feel as if that's my right. As if it allows me to mock what has hurt me. Back to the story, I suddenly am overwhelmed with the need to tell my mother what happened. It goes against my trained instinct on the issue, but I do.

She listens, and before she can ask a question I politely say I never wish to talk of it again. She nods, then reaches over and takes my hand while we walk. "Sorry" is what she said finally, which felt both hollow and nice at the same time. That's when lightning sparks up in the corner of the dark sky. We both pause for a moment, and I finally have the vocalization for what I'd been feeling.

"Mom," I said, "sometimes I wish I could just rend the sky apart and smite the Earth below."

We walked in silence for a few minutes, before I forced myself to turn the conversation to something else. I felt her wanting to say something, but that time had passed. My admission wasn't really cathartic enough to be healing, nor was I contained enough to maintain the facade that it wasn't bothering me.

Anyway, I felt that I needed to vent to people who would understand the whole "keep it to yourself" sort of mindset. Its an awful thing to feel this whirling torrent of emotions about so many things, and never really know how you're suppose to try and deal with them in a world that cocks an eyebrow at such things. Thanks.
 

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Hey,

About wedding people who don't feel crazy about weddings, i know one that i saw on the tv show survivor.


Its funny, because he's this wedding videographer that documents happiness all the time, yet he makes a habit out of being sarcastic and mean spirited (in a lol way). :)

When it comes to keeping things to myself, I do that a lot too, especially if i feel that for some reason, a person will not be open or understanding of what I want to tell them based on their point of view.

Sometimes, i need time to think about an event, and I want to figure things out before talking too much. And when I do talk, its only to my closest friends.

Its perfectly fine isn't it, to have a natural disposition towards discretion? Not that its bad to express your feelings freely most of the time, but there are certain cool things associated with keeping things close to yourself till you feel ready to talk. I find that I articulate my inner feelings better when i take some time, i have time to really respond measuredly to a situation, and keeping most things close to myself really helps people know if they are close to me, such that i would share stuff with them.

I'm so sorry about that girl. It must seem hard to sort things out in your head now, that's such a sad thing to have happen.

But I'm sure a happier you definitely exists, be it 3 months, a year, or two years down the road. Whether you believe it or not, it s true.

PS: rend the sky and smite the earth? come on, what an apt and cool way of putting things. :D
 
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I came in to just agree that say "Rend the sky and smite the earth" sounds cool as fuck.
That's like some bad ass villain line or something. I can picture that in a comic or movie.

Well today my parents visited my sisters and my sisters said they thought the sort of things i put on facebook were inappropriate. I just laughed, I think of facebook as a joke which i sometimes use to keep in a social circle.
So i write somethings that people dont find funny because i stopped appealing to peoples mindsets long ago and im just a prick kind of on it unless im in a good mood. Im the guy who pretty much spams it every now then.

Today for a laugh I wrote "I ALWAYS make eye contact when im eating a banana".
Now i dont feel im particularly insulting or anything but i probably say things out of a comfort zone and though its not like personal emotions like you're talking about I dont always feel like appealing to other peoples wants like that.
That's the reason that has me locked in not expressing myself and feeling alienated, because me saying what ever I want leads to some people putting an opinion on it and freaking out.
So i dont really censor myself on facebook but in real life i do appeal to people face to face. I dont swear at all if the other person doesnt, if they find dirty things off putting i dont generally go to extreme.
When im alone i wave my freak flag but outside i dont often and keep to myself. WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS IM LOST NOW hahaha
 

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Do you have to play all the same mindless crap at wedding receptions over in the States as get played at almost every one I've been to here in the UK?

I thought for a minute there you were going to say you turned up to the gig and it was HER wedding reception....
 

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I completely understand the whole "keep everything to yourself". Sometimes I would keep things inside for years and it would bother me for years and then one day, I would find the answer to it while walking down the street on a beautiful summer day.

My outlet for all my pent up emotions is reading/writing stories and listening to music. They're the only things that keeps the darkness at bay sometimes.
 

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"Rend the Sky and Smite the Earth"
* potential name for an album
* every other word is capitalized

You, sir, are awesome.
 
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Discussion Starter #7
Do you have to play all the same mindless crap at wedding receptions over in the States as get played at almost every one I've been to here in the UK?
Yes. Honestly, painfully, yes.

One of the best I ever did was a couple who wanted a "rave" wedding, so that was a nice change. Plus, they were both rabid anime fans, and I spent a week digging up obscure anime music for them. Pretty fun.

The worst kind are when the couple have only a vague idea of what they want. I make it mandatory that they schedule me in for an hour or so of consulting, but honestly, some people have bad taste in music. This is coming from someone who takes pride in their love of all kinds of music. If you want only country music, don't assume that I can read your mind that you really mean stuff from only two artists. Or if you really want one specific song played for a certain point in the ceremony, don't wait until the night before to call and tell me. :bored:
 

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Discussion Starter #8
And thanks for the kind responses, all. Sometimes it's really beautiful to be able to put down in writing something that barely makes sense to yourself, let alone to be able to share it with people who can possibly empathize with you. :happy:
 
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