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How have you overcome feelings of resentment? Or how would you advise a fellow INTJ "to get over it"? I seem to be hanging on to this feeling and it's festering into raw anger. I want to snap out of it but since it's not directed at any particular individual it makes it harder to move on. I am referring to the people in your life who have let you down even though they were supposed to care about you. How have you dealt with this problem in your life?
 

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If it can be fixed, fix it. That may involve having to express your feelings to this person. Sometimes people aren't aware that they have let you down. Sometimes they may need to be told in order for them to be able to explain themselves and/or to apologise.

If it can't be fixed; realise that by being resentful and holding a grudge they still have power over you. If it can't be fixed, why waste your energy on being angry.

Find an outlet for that anger. Personally, exercise has always been incredibly helpful in channeling some of that anger/rage and it helps distil those raw feelings into words.
 

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I like to first calm myself down and I personally analyze what has caused me to become this way. I became resentful because I was isolating myself and barely getting any human interaction. Then I like to calm myself down by writing and drawing my feelings. Once, I am good I think of solutions for example in this case, I decided to sign up for some classes in my community to learn how to paint.
For people that disappoint me I do the same as above, but I try to cut them off from my life as much as I can. Although this is easier said than done.
 

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i've come to see some of the things in my life as bad debts. they were undertaken in error, they won't be repaid, and there's nothing i or anyone else can do about it.

one of my own bad-debt people told me once: if you owe the bank a hundred grand and you can't pay, you're in trouble. but if you owe them a hundred million and you can't pay, then they're in trouble. it's very true in personal terms as well. so if someone reneges, the hardest part is accepting there's no way around the hardship they've caused. it's already with you, but if you compound that by waiting for them to make payments that will never come, then your entire life hangs on that hook and in that state of hardship forever.

i've also come to realise that very very few people lie in cold intentional blood. people 'lie' mostly out of some combination of hope and ignorance. that's why there's no recourse when it turns out they can't follow through. you can't beat people into fulfilling promises they never knew they'd be unable to keep.
 

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For me, a generalized resentment means that I am feeling powerless and unhappy with my situation. I can easily spend my energy resenting everyone and everything that got me here, even myself. Especially myself. Usually if I get that old Te going, step up and work on changing my situation, the resentment quickly fades away.

For specific small situations, sometimes it is best to work on it with the person that you are resenting. Yesterday my sons forgot about mother's day, and I was really resenting it. I wanted some acknowledgment. But then I realized that if I kept playing this waiting game, I was the guaranteed loser. So I told them that they had to say "Happy Mother's Day" to me. Which they did, and as soon as that happened the resentment vanished. Then I suggested we all watch a movie, and we had a fun evening together.

It sounds like your situation is much bigger, but this taking action approach has also worked for me on bigger issues. Clarify to yourself specifically what you are resenting, and then work to change that situation. If you can't pin it down, take a look at what in your life is making you unhappy and take steps to fix it. You might not succeed, but for me, just taking control always helps.
 

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Nothing is permanent. This is the nature of life. Learn to embrace this essence. Focus on yourself, not others and what they have done. Only you is under your control. No one else is. Why bother to resent?

Maybe that is too philosophical. Here is a concrete step you can do. Write journal every time you feel resentful and depressed. Read the journal every once in a while. Now you can analyze the pattern of your negative thoughts. See where they arise, and what trigger them. If the triggers are things you can work on to improve. Figure out the steps and time. Be patient and work on the steps. You will see lights as long as you know the time frame it will take you to fix things. If you can't fix those, embrace them as part of life. Ignore them as background. Now you are out of the anxiety-depression loop. :wink:
 

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I don't really have that problem. I used to, but after being shown over and over again that it is not beneficial to rely on anyone other than myself, I have stopped. if I rely on anyone these days, I usually have a contingency in case they show me I can't rely on them. Unfortunately that has been my life experience.

So I guess my advice would be to take it as a lesson learned. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. No sense in drowning yourself in it as it could be likened to you taking poison and hoping that the other person dies.
 

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Being in this world has given me an overdue feeling of resentment, constantly as life goes on. One of the cruelties of the feeling is dying inside with this type of emotions towards something, though there are particularly ways that I deal with it. Sublimation might have come in handy for me, mainly being creative with it as I write poetry, writing journals, creating short stories, etc...

Though my advise will come to a halt, mainly because my counsel will involve you doing an activity you want to be good at. Something you know you can transfer resentment into something meaningful, something not only you can understand but also others as well. Because the feeling is often about unjust treatment, only justifying it would destroy it.

One would be good at meditation as well, though it is not advisable if you don't really practice it and would only want to because you want to deal with the feelings swiftly.
 

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I struggle with this too, and I've noticed the best thing is to remove myself from the situation (literally and/or psychologically). If you have something that interests you, that makes you feel like you are in a different place in your life or working towards it (different than like Green Girl said, powerless and unhappy), the resentment seems to go away. Or just generally improving in some area of life or skill you're interested in working on, which I think counteracts feeling powerless.
 

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I don't really have that problem. I used to, but after being shown over and over again that it is not beneficial to rely on anyone other than myself, I have stopped. if I rely on anyone these days, I usually have a contingency in case they show me I can't rely on them. Unfortunately that has been my life experience.

So I guess my advice would be to take it as a lesson learned. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. No sense in drowning yourself in it as it could be likened to you taking poison and hoping that the other person dies.
I understand how you feel with the rest of the world. However, it is not healthy to live in solitude. Often times, I think INTJ, at least myself, is like a hermit living in the city. LOL I can totally isolated myself in a herd of people, totally immersed in my inner world. However, why do I exist among people? Can't there be learning experiences from them, either positive or negative? We are born to go through the process of socialization because homo sapiens are social animals. Socialization is unavoidable being a human being. Isn't it?
 

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I can have some troubles with it as well but when it happens, I try to overcome it analytically. Analyze the situation, compare it with other examples I know, integrate it into a larger concept, focus on what I am good at, think of my achievements in comaprison to others (shallow it may be, it makes one feel good) and don't care about others, if they don't do what they are supposed to, it's their mistake, not mine, and if it influences me, ok, but it's not my fault, I don't have to blame myself. And I drink wine.
 

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I only experience resentment when I've let someone in and they've gone against their own expressed opinions or moral code. It's a rare experience for me considering I'm very selective with who I let in close enough to hurt me in any way. Either way, I eventually snap out of it realising I'm giving more than I'm getting. That's the point when you put your foot down because resentment is an impotent condition to allow yourself to remain in. Getting angry and moving on is better than resentment, although I would not advise it. I try to understand a situation for what it is and let go or directly engage in trying to figure out the problem with the people involved; a conclusion will be arrived at eventually, never mind the consequences.

If this is about family, I'd revert to option one - understand and let go. If you are unable to understand, determine to do your own thing regardless as long as you're pulling your own weight and not part of the problem.
 

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Even if it doesn't seem to be directed at anyone in particular, you are still carrying it within yourself. The solution is to resolve that burden as if you are forcing yourself to carry it. The resentment, therefore, is directed at yourself even if it appears to involve others instead. It represents something which you perceive to lack and wish you had received, but did not receive; be that love, attention, respect, trust, etc. To overcome this deficit is to find a way to give yourself what it needs to overcome that perception of lack; or to grieve, empathize with, and give yourself what you would give another loved one were they to be suffering.

Rather than holding expectations of others to care for you, learn to care for yourself so that no one else necessarily has to. That way, you no longer become reliant on what others give you in order to satisfy your own ego needs, and can instead appreciate them for who they are while also moving on in search of your own happiness.

There are any number of ways to do this, and it is only limited by your imagination. One popular method that others have mentioned is to write your thoughts/feelings down so that you can take better notice of them and learn to care more about what you experience.
 

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@SantaFox You hit the nail on the head. In a way I am grieving what was lost, wondering why those around me never stepped in to help. The funny thing is that I did take care of myself & got through it. But when I found out that it didn't have to be that way, that there was a solution this whole time, my attitude changed from survival to resentment. Strange how your childhood can come back to haunt/bite you as an adult. I am thankful for being INTJ though, cause I don't think I could have coped otherwise. I appreciate all the replies, I have taken something away from each piece of advice given. Thank you.
@Karolina love the advice to drink wine :wink:
 

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How have you overcome feelings of resentment? Or how would you advise a fellow INTJ "to get over it"? I seem to be hanging on to this feeling and it's festering into raw anger. I want to snap out of it but since it's not directed at any particular individual it makes it harder to move on. I am referring to the people in your life who have let you down even though they were supposed to care about you. How have you dealt with this problem in your life?
Resentment can truly eat you. Isolation and fear can make a person hate and more resentful. It is one of the worst feeling to keep stuffed inside and for yourself. Time is the best healer and can help you to adjust to the realities of a given situation. Forgiving is something which will make you feel better of any anger. I found a blog very interesting which tells about getting rid of resentment. Read this- Let it Go- Learning to Let Go of Resentment | Edgewood Health Network . I've found that the best way to let resentment go is to let the past go as well. It took me a long time to figure out that, but when I did, it was liberating. Hope it helps for someone.
 

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I've ever only gotten over nondescript anger through understanding it. When I finally piece together all the parts that contributed to this unfavorable experience, then I'm usually over it as well.
 
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Resentment can truly eat you. Isolation and fear can make a person hate and more resentful. It is one of the worst feeling to keep stuffed inside and for yourself. Time is the best healer and can help you to adjust to the realities of a given situation. Forgiving is something which will make you feel better of any anger. I found a blog very interesting which tells about getting rid of resentment. Read this- Let it Go- Learning to Let Go of Resentment | Edgewood Health Network . I've found that the best way to let resentment go is to let the past go as well. It took me a long time to figure out that, but when I did, it was liberating. Hope it helps for someone.
Truth is, it’s easier to remain in a victim stance. If you stay in your anger and painful memory and you keep ruminating on it, then you don’t have to look at your present life. You don’t have to take responsibility for your current behaviour. Therefore, you avoid taking responsibility for your addiction and for anything else that’s going on in your life.”
That's definitely true but I've also noticed that when I start to take responsibility, I tend to keep the resentment because I feel like I have to take responsibility for what someone else "did to me"... so I guess basically I take responsibility in the present but still feel victimized by the past. Taking responsibility in itself isn't the solution for me so much as, taking responsibility and then improvement actually happens. Which is different from "now I have to spend time doing all this stuff to take responsibility just to get rid of the baggage". I guess I hate doing things just for the purpose of changing my emotional state lol.
 
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