Personality Cafe banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I know parents deserve respect, because they're your elders. They gave you shelter, food and an education. Respect in a household is key, especially in some Southeastern Asian countries.

But how does one argue "respectfully" with parents? I try not to lose my cool, but sometimes I feel as if they really don't understand me. Nine times out of ten they start yelling, then I change the subject hurriedly. They sign me up for things like debate, even when I tell them I already took it in school. They sign me up for public speaking, even though I'm rather uncomfortable with it.

They keep pushing me harder at schoolwork, and even my friends (INTJ and INTP) say that I have ridiculously high standards, which is extremely uncharacteristic for them ("Huh, you got a hundred. Where's the bonus?").

I know that it's all for my benefit, but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in expectations. I have to smile at people I hardly know, be a model child for my parents and get good grades. I looked on several websites, and they said that gifted kids are "manipulative". Could it be that I'm just one of those?

I'm not that good at expressing my feelings; what would you do in my situation?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,669 Posts
Well, my parents don't mind what I do, as long as I don't smoke crack or beat people or whatever. I make their lives difficult by always scheming and trying new things. My father took like 10 days off from work to drive me to and from the airport for my interviews. I think they're getting too old for my BS. If anything they tell me to relax.

Are they putting expectations on you or are you putting them on yourself? I don't see how you're being manipulative. But it might be your own expectations that you aren't living up to, and you just feel like it's your parents disapproving of you because you don't want to disappoint them (according to your own skewed perception of your underperformance).

I would guess that your parents have a realistic sense of what you're capable of, and your friends are teenagers and are clueless.
 

·
Over 300 Confirmed Kills
Joined
·
10,611 Posts
waitwut.

What does any of thishave to do with you being manipulative?

Maybe I spaced out in the middle of reading that. You don't sound manipulative.

I know how much some of that sucks but I truly believe you will appreciate them pushing you out of your comfort zone later and having some measurable achievements to show for it. I would be out of there as soon as I was 18 but that happens so fast, I'm serious.

Some parents really don't get their kids, it's possible they don't truly understand you but they are pushing you to do things that are for your own benefit.
S
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
820 Posts
I had a similar problem with my father (he's from Sudan), and I can only say wait until you can move out and do it. I didn't talk to my parents for over a year before they finally realized that they couldn't force me to do things the way they wanted. (dad: INTJ mom: ENTJ). They came around and I'm meeting up with them in a couple of weeks. You can only try to make them understand, but ultimately they are the ones who have to change. Not you.

Good luck.

:)


x01660
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
426 Posts
I'm going to agree with what has been said before, and add that, in retrospect, I wish my parents had pushed me harder.
Endure, and look for the best in what they're doing for you. The strategy mentioned above where you proceed to cut them out once you are independent and forcing them to see who you are sounds effective to me XD get a job that you are happy with and if they aren't, then that's just something they will have to learn to deal with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
514 Posts
Because of my parent's pushing, I'm about to graduate High School with a 4.0, it's all worth it in the end (well, some of it).
 
  • Like
Reactions: downsowf

·
Registered
Joined
·
729 Posts
My parents have stopped pushing me explicitly, but that still doesn't mean they don't expect me to do well -- which sucks, because my brother (ESTP) was allowed to skate by on substandard grades and just recently started "trying" and gets pats on the back for every grade that is "above average" -- annoying, but off topic.

I just learned to stop arguing back, stop answering, just stop giving them fuel to keep up the argument. My sarcasm was misinterpreted a lot, so I just pretended that I was kidding ... only downside is that, now, when I'm being sarcastic, my mother thinks I'm being funny when I'm actually trying to hint to her that what she's saying is utterly useless (having an entire phone conversation where all I say is "Ok?")

Have you had a talk with them? Like... directly talk to them and say "this makes me uncomfortable, please stop"...? Even if you're not good at expressing yourself, you can say that much.

In any case ...I don't see how you could be manipulative from what you've said. Just try talking to them at first, and whether or not that works, focus on what it is you really want. If you like getting good grades, then keep that up. If it doesn't matter as much to you, try to shake off the pressure and just do what you're up to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,364 Posts
I do wish my parents had pushed me more, like when I started climbing trees and poles before I turned 2. They should have forced me to become a gymnast(or pole dancer) but I said no and they let that shit fly. They should have forced me to play the piano or something similar, the bastards. Probably wouldn’t have turned out well though.

Respect has to be earned in various facets of life, there’s not only one type of respect. They deserve respect for taking care of, and providing for, you but respecting their logic and decision making capabilities is a different matter. In an ideal world you voice your opinions and concerns in a calm and civilised manner, and they respond in kind. I know things don’t quite work out that way in reality however, I risked getting my ass kicked every time I questioned my father’s irreproachable logic because he was infallible and stating otherwise only meant you wanted to insult him. I couldn’t operate any differently though, I continued to tell him when I didn’t agree(or asked for clarification) in as impartial a manner as possible and I still got threatened on a routine basis.
The best you can do is be as honest as possible(with them and yourself) whilst leaving emotion aside when communicating your disposition. If the shit still hits the fan, well you’re not to blame, you did your best.


 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,161 Posts
Well, my parents don't mind what I do, as long as I don't smoke crack or beat people or whatever.
i feel sorry for you. the best years of my life were spent going around beating people up while tweaking out
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,012 Posts
I've become more mellowed out over the years with my parents. Eventually you realize that they will never really understand you and just go with it. When I was a teen it was tough.

Although I wouldn't do anything drastic. You'd be surprised how completely ignoring the situation instead of arguing proves pretty effective.

My parents always pushed me too but I don't really think it was the end of the world if I didn't live up to their expectations. It's the fear of failure that really worries a person but when the failure actually happens, it's not that bad (as far as grades go, this isn't very applicable to other types of failure).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
I have a similar sort of relationship with my parents, though they are usually more open to my arguing with them.

It's always been that, if there is a place where I could put more work in then they will push me to fill that gap. My grades definitely wouldn't be what they are if they hadn't done that. But earlier this year I started trying to make my own decisions on some things; for instance, they'd say I should do an hour's more revision and I'd say that I thought I had done enough. They wouldn't often agree with me, but when I made it clear that I took responsibility for any bad consequences of that, they agreed to give me that freedom. In this case I ended up getting really good results in January, so doing my own thing paid off. In other cases, it hasn't worked so well; in a relatively trivial case, I didn't fold my clothes the way they told me to, and they ended up getting crumpled.

In the end, I think it's important to be able to have a go at making your own mistakes. I don't want to learn everything by getting it wrong the first time, but this way I have practice for when I leave home and don't have their daily imput.

Maybe that's the sort of arrangement you could come to with your parents? Like I said, it sounds like mine are more open to being argued with; they are difficult to persuade, but they will at least listen to me. In theory, all you have to do is be adult about it and they have no reason to shout at you, but in reality it doesn't always work out like that.
 
  • Like
Reactions: treestar
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top