[Stephen]

I will be the answer, at the end of the line...

For me, the most upsetting of the many, many struggles we faces as type sixes is that fear of abandonment that defines the bottom end of our existence. I wrote not long ago about how I'm learning to let go, but this is a battle that's far from over. I am an intensely loyal person who has, more recently, managed to integrate an amount of realistic cynicism into his everyday relationships. Sometimes, it's hard to tell who I will allow myself to trust, and even whether I trust them fully from one day to the next.

It's not easy to reconcile a fear of abandonment with the desire for a lasting, real, and healthy romantic relationship. In contrast, it is far too easy to fall into something that is immediately satisfying, but lacking in long-term importance. This aggravates the problem immensely, because you find yourself rushing into relationships without paying enough attention to the early warning signs that things are simply going to explode at some point down the line. This is an excellent reason to discover ourselves here on PerC, so we can pinpoint and grab the right person when they appear in our lives.

Falling in love, for me, has tended to kind of just… happen. I remember telling a now long-gone friend many years ago that there's no harm in it, so why not? The stakes are getting higher now, though. There's less of my life remaining at the far end, I've lost all taste for breakups (as if I had any to begin with), and my application of love has become much more cautious. It's only through experience that I will find whether this is a wise approach for me. Who wants to be the guy who was too much of a chicken to say so when true love found him? :shocked:

I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's. A current friend of mine told me, not long after my divorce, that what I needed was to run around, fuck everything in sight, just not take relationships seriously for a while. I immediately pointed out to him that this is not in my character. I didn't bother telling him how insulting it was that he might think I was capable of something like that. He has come back to this point since, telling me I'm being way too serious about finding that "one," or more exactly, about building into my character the traits I will need to suit that "one."

Unconditional love, folks. It's that rare thing parents are supposed to have for their kids, a complete acceptance of a person that recognizes that they're not perfect, and you love them not just in spite of it, but because of it. They don't have to serve any purpose in your life, they don't even have to want you at all. They simply are, and you love them for it. roud: *sigh* But think how it would be if they felt the same way!

That well-meaning friend was not the only one in my life who advised me that I'd find love more readily through sheer volume of relationships, rather than through careful consideration of the individuals beforehand. Or maybe I was reading too much into what my therapist was telling me when I was thirteen and failing school after my parents' divorce five years before…

To do this right, I need to work to build the personality traits to ensure that I can be ready for that relationship when it's ready for me. There's too much at stake for me to take this lightly.

 

[white-knuckle]

Thankyou for being so brave to talk about a difficult subject with sixes. Or...I definatly, relate.

I hate the whole idea of sleeping around, or flings, or fwb or 3 week relations. It's a very soft spot with me. I think when you've been in a mature relationship then you're probably going to desire something with a little more sustenance. People who like flings and people who like mature relationships should never cross paths. haha. Unless, either one wants to change.

I particularly, go the friendship route. Even my relationship now, though things didn't work out, we did okay with what we had. And we talked for 6 months beforehand!

The dating world can be a thief! I think it's best not to fool around and just form friendships and if you happen upon chemistry, then perfect. Otherwise, you find friends and that also, can help a six feel more secure.

What I'm learning, (and it's a process) is to find that security within myself. It's taken a lot of undoing and a lot of self-encouragement. But that friendship to yourself can help you stick up for yourself when you're hurt. When somebody abandons us, we need not abandon ourselves.

Anyways, it's a crazy world and every situation is different, of course. I think if sixes trust our judgements and take our time we will be fine. Even having a list, might help us stick to our game plan more. I think it sounds cheesy, then I think of certain habits, I've said oh well on, and those things of course are much more difficult when you are sharing a life with someone.

As always, thankyou for your article. It was thoughtful. Good luck to you.

 

[Stephen]

What I'm learning, (and it's a process) is to find that security within myself. It's taken a lot of undoing and a lot of self-encouragement. But that friendship to yourself can help you stick up for yourself when you're hurt. When somebody abandons us, we need not abandon ourselves.

This has also been key for me. I've had plenty of success with it as well. It didn't take long after my last relationship ended for me to feel like I didn't "need" that anymore. What I'm thinking about is how easy it can be for a relationship to collapse when those involved are not communicating openly, talking about what they want from it, that kind of thing. It's so important that new couples are on the same page on what they want from the relationship. Can save a ton of anger later.

 

[susurration]

This is such an important and intelligent blog Stephen. I think it carries a lot of significance for how people approach life and relationships. Because I think above all things, connection and being in one anothers presence is the holy grail of humanity, really.

"Unconditional love, folks. It's that rare thing parents are supposed to have for their kids, a complete acceptance of a person that recognizes that they're not perfect, and you love them not just in spite of it, but because of it. They don't have to serve any purpose in your life, they don't even have to want you at all. They simply are, and you love them for it".

Seeing someone for who they truly are, rather than who we think we are or want them to be, is a really significant idea. I doubt we can begin to do this before we do some serious self work! but through this understanding of self we come to know and appreciate other people. And eventually be able to love them. You're right I think, this doesn't compare to 'messing around'.

 

[Stephen]

Thanks for the kind words, susurration. I agree that unconditional love is something that requires a great deal of self work. I really enjoyed how you broke that down, how it's important to know not only the one we love, but the self as well. We're all works in progress, I figure... it makes me think working toward this is going to have to suffice for now.

 

[Invidia]

I really enjoy your blogs, it is refreshing to find someone so open and honest about their growth as a person. I internalize most of mine and wish I was as eloquent as you are in sharing your thoughts with others. Regarding unconditional love, I think what most people forget about that is love puts the needs of their beloved first. Not to say that we are not human, and being human we can be selfish. But it should be our goal to put our significant other first. And it cannot be one-sided, a love of this sort must be mutual for it to last. The song you chose for this post illustrates that perfectly, in fact it is the song my husband and I had for our wedding.

 

[Stephen]

Thanks for your kind words. I agree completely on the unconditional love ideas you've shared.

Wow, really? I was actually thinking this would be a great wedding song. Isn't it amazing?

 

[Invidia]

Yes, it illustrated perfectly how my husband and I felt. I heard it first and when he listened to it he agreed it was the perfect song. I am not good at expressing my own feelings, but I can easily recognize when they are being expressed if that makes sense. I feel vicariously haha...

Thank you again for sharing. I am no good at offering advice, but FWIW I hope you find someone who deserves you and can be happily yourself with