THE IRON GIANT
I will be the answer, at the end of the line...
For me, the most upsetting of the many, many struggles we faces as type sixes is that fear of abandonment that defines the bottom end of our existence. I wrote not long ago about how I'm learning to let go, but this is a battle that's far from over. I am an intensely loyal person who has, more recently, managed to integrate an amount of realistic cynicism into his everyday relationships. Sometimes, it's hard to tell who I will allow myself to trust, and even whether I trust them fully from one day to the next.
It's not easy to reconcile a fear of abandonment with the desire for a lasting, real, and healthy romantic relationship. In contrast, it is far too easy to fall into something that is immediately satisfying, but lacking in long-term importance. This aggravates the problem immensely, because you find yourself rushing into relationships without paying enough attention to the early warning signs that things are simply going to explode at some point down the line. This is an excellent reason to discover ourselves here on PerC, so we can pinpoint and grab the right person when they appear in our lives.
Falling in love, for me, has tended to kind of just… happen. I remember telling a now long-gone friend many years ago that there's no harm in it, so why not? The stakes are getting higher now, though. There's less of my life remaining at the far end, I've lost all taste for breakups (as if I had any to begin with), and my application of love has become much more cautious. It's only through experience that I will find whether this is a wise approach for me. Who wants to be the guy who was too much of a chicken to say so when true love found him? :shocked:
I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's. A current friend of mine told me, not long after my divorce, that what I needed was to run around, fuck everything in sight, just not take relationships seriously for a while. I immediately pointed out to him that this is not in my character. I didn't bother telling him how insulting it was that he might think I was capable of something like that. He has come back to this point since, telling me I'm being way too serious about finding that "one," or more exactly, about building into my character the traits I will need to suit that "one."
Unconditional love, folks. It's that rare thing parents are supposed to have for their kids, a complete acceptance of a person that recognizes that they're not perfect, and you love them not just in spite of it, but because of it. They don't have to serve any purpose in your life, they don't even have to want you at all. They simply are, and you love them for it. roud: *sigh* But think how it would be if they felt the same way!
That well-meaning friend was not the only one in my life who advised me that I'd find love more readily through sheer volume of relationships, rather than through careful consideration of the individuals beforehand. Or maybe I was reading too much into what my therapist was telling me when I was thirteen and failing school after my parents' divorce five years before…
To do this right, I need to work to build the personality traits to ensure that I can be ready for that relationship when it's ready for me. There's too much at stake for me to take this lightly.