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Discussion Starter #1
Everyone has fantasies on what they like best, or what they like to indulge in as a guilty pleasure maybe. This can apply both to romantic aspects and sexual aspects.

When considering going into a relationship with someone, which is more important to you? A person that fulfils you sexually or romantically? I don't mean to put it black and white like this, but you'll know what you pay most attention too in picking a partner.

I suppose you can always find both aspects in the person you decide to be with, of course, but I tend to feel that it is pure idealism to have someone that both touches you to the deepest ends romantically and is your sex god that means you scream in bed and explode your brain.

- So which is more important and why?
- How do you deal with feelings/thoughts like these?
- Does it make you insecure/doubt about picking someone (or maybe about the person you are already with?)
 

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I suppose by "romantic" you mean emotion, conversation, having things in common, etc.?

I think in general I've put sex first. I'd meet someone who seemed okay, we'd have sex, and we'd call it a relationship and maybe move in together, etc. But it didn't work out well at all.

Now I'm with a wonderful guy and we have sex problems, so I've had to look at this question a lot. Now I think having a good relationship (romance) is more important.

If I was single again, maybe I'd look at having sex without the relationship entanglements, if such a thing is possible. Not that sex is more important, but decent sex is much easier to find than a decent relationship. (For me anyway.) So why wait for years--or forever--for love, when you can have sex now?
 

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I feel like the two are inevitably intertwined for me. I couldn't imagine being with someone who I wasn't compatible with on a romantic level or a sexual level because I feel like they are connected anyway. Usually if you have good emotional/romantic chemistry with someone outside of the bedroom, it translates sexually.

I think we should be on the same wavelength. I don't believe in settling and I don't believe that's terribly idealistic. And I am saying that after 11 years of marriage. Does it mean that everything is roses and sunshine all the time? No, we have our ups and downs just like any relationship does. To expect anything else would be the truly idealistic stance. We're human and sometimes things take time to get good at or work on. So long as you both make intimacy a priority and are open-minded towards each other and communicate and care about one another (yadayadayada), you're good to go.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I suppose by "romantic" you mean emotion, conversation, having things in common, etc.?

I think in general I've put sex first. I'd meet someone who seemed okay, we'd have sex, and we'd call it a relationship and maybe move in together, etc. But it didn't work out well at all.

Now I'm with a wonderful guy and we have sex problems, so I've had to look at this question a lot. Now I think having a good relationship (romance) is more important.

If I was single again, maybe I'd look at having sex without the relationship entanglements, if such a thing is possible. Not that sex is more important, but decent sex is much easier to find than a decent relationship. (For me anyway.) So why wait for years--or forever--for love, when you can have sex now?
Hmm yeah, I sort of went about it same way as you, except that I started out with a heavy romance-focussed ideal instead of a sexually-focussed ideal. I agree that decent sex is a lot easier to find than a good relationship, yet it caters to such different needs and desires. I figure that, while keeping eyes and ears open for romance, you might as well have some 'adventures' in between without necessarily wanted to get into a relationship with anyone. Or maybe you end up being FwB's or the like ... if that is desirable. Your heart can only bear so much in so many time (at least ... for me it takes years to recover).

I don't need sex though, and im always genuinely interested in the person i would end up having sex with (also as in, they could potentially be a romantic interest as well).

Im not sure if i can start a relationship based on great sex alone, that seems very uncertain to me. But yeah, while thinking about it, the one's having both a romantic and sexual ideal going for them are very lucky. I wonder for how many people that is actually the case ..... i assume not many? Seems like a luxury thing really. I never had both at the same time at least. Not that it has to be that way either, not at all.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
True sexual desire stems from love.

All other sexual desire is inferior and a facade to the mind.

Always choose true romance and sexual desire will come with it.
I like to believe (in) that, as it sounds most attractive by even my own values. I suppose that's possible, but I think you can naturally have great romantic chemistry with someone and / or great sexual chemistry with someone. It is already hard enough to find one of the two aspects in someone, let alone both.

That doesn't mean that sex or romance with the other person has to mean less to you. But hey, I know the difference between sex and great sex, there's no ''thinking'' involved about that one :laughing:, that surely wasn't part of my great romance first time round.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I feel like the two are inevitably intertwined for me. I couldn't imagine being with someone who I wasn't compatible with on a romantic level or a sexual level because I feel like they are connected anyway. Usually if you have good emotional/romantic chemistry with someone outside of the bedroom, it translates sexually.

I think we should be on the same wavelength. I don't believe in settling and I don't believe that's terribly idealistic. And I am saying that after 11 years of marriage. Does it mean that everything is roses and sunshine all the time? No, we have our ups and downs just like any relationship does. To expect anything else would be the truly idealistic stance. We're human and sometimes things take time to get good at or work on. So long as you both make intimacy a priority and are open-minded towards each other and communicate and care about one another (yadayadayada), you're good to go.
That's how I always viewed it :) I agree. This still applies to me as well as how I want to go about it, as to say. Or in other words, it would be plenty fulfilling.

Yet still ... some experiences you have later might get you to think otherwise, or question it. Also, I suppose that many people in happy relationships may have sexual fantasies that they would never get around to explore or do (knowing that they like it). Communication and open-mindedness would still hit the boundaries of values and other wishes.
 

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I like to believe (in) that, as it sounds most attractive by even my own values. I suppose that's possible, but I think you can naturally have great romantic chemistry with someone and / or great sexual chemistry with someone. It is already hard enough to find one of the two aspects in someone, let alone both.

That doesn't mean that sex or romance with the other person has to mean less to you. But hey, I know the difference between sex and great sex, there's no ''thinking'' involved about that one :laughing:, that surely wasn't part of my great romance first time round.
That's what I'm saying. If you have a great romantic connection with someone, then by definition, you have a great sexual one as well. There's no need to separate the two in the context of true love.

It's only when people confuse sex with other inferior kinds of love is the distinction important.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
That's what I'm saying. If you have a great romantic connection with someone, then by definition, you have a great sexual one as well. There's no need to separate the two in the context of true love.

It's only when people confuse sex with other inferior kinds of love is the distinction important.
Well, yes and maybe no.

In terms of fulfilment, yes, it holds true (in my experience). But in terms of pure sensations (sexually), I found that it wasn't the case. So I had great romance with good sex (in a relationship), but later had better sex with someone else that I wasn't romantically involved with. Now, idealistically that was not nice to admit to myself, and I like both to be present in a relationship.

Anyway that got me thinking :)
 

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There is no trade off. Both can be without each other. Both can be with each other.

Communication within a relationship is way more important than anyones desires. I am the first to admit to have no idea what I want from a SO and being with that person. Therefore everything is down to our communicative skills (expression+listening) and compromises.
 

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- So which is more important and why?
It's hard to pick one, like you said, in b/w. But sometimes it's easier to smooth out character/personality traits and find a way to get along or to get each other's needs met, than changing someone's "sex style" (or dimensions lol).

- How do you deal with feelings/thoughts like these?
I think: Would I be able to cope with this thing for all my life? And if i get a sense of weight on my chest and panic, it means that person is not right for me. Regardless if it's about romance or sex and regardless if the other aspect goes great.

- Does it make you insecure/doubt about picking someone (or maybe about the person you are already with?)
It does. Or it did since luckily now everything is great and i can't complain, nor have panic feelings or other stuff like in the past.
 
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When considering going into a relationship with someone, which is more important to you?

Romance - sex rarely crosses my mind when I'm attracted to somebody

A person that fulfils you sexually or romantically? I don't mean to put it black and white like this, but you'll know what you pay most attention too in picking a partner.

What does romance mean? I pick connection over sex - my partner isn't one bit romantic but he's very thoughtful and amusing . Sexual fulfillment is important sure but I prefer conversations and bantering . Fortunately for me my istp is great with both. On a more serious note, it's rare for me to feel turned on - my istp is the only person that I'm attracted to sexually ( it's rare for me to think about sex when crushing on a person )



- So which is more important and why?

Romance and connection is more important- mainly because I'm not going to be in bed the entire day

- How do you deal with feelings/thoughts like these?
I don't know- sex and romance usually goes hand in hand with one another, I wouldn't sleep with somebody who doesn't turn me on but I wouldn't sleep with somebody who isn't my lover either- so I think both have to intertwine with each other . I've had many exes that I wasn't sexually attracted to ( could be bc I was young or maybe I'm a demi sexual ) I enjoyed their presence and even love them to a certain extent



- Does it make you insecure/doubt about picking someone (or maybe about the person you are already with?)

No not at all , I guess in the beginning I was fearful that I'm really bad in bed ( me being inexperience him very experienced) but as time passes ( going on 13 years ) by I understand his needs thoroughly so we connect deeply


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Everyone has fantasies on what they like best, or what they like to indulge in as a guilty pleasure maybe. This can apply both to romantic aspects and sexual aspects.

When considering going into a relationship with someone, which is more important to you? A person that fulfils you sexually or romantically? I don't mean to put it black and white like this, but you'll know what you pay most attention too in picking a partner.

I suppose you can always find both aspects in the person you decide to be with, of course, but I tend to feel that it is pure idealism to have someone that both touches you to the deepest ends romantically and is your sex god that means you scream in bed and explode your brain.

- So which is more important and why?
- How do you deal with feelings/thoughts like these?
- Does it make you insecure/doubt about picking someone (or maybe about the person you are already with?)
what's a bunch of dead flowers worth if they don't do it for you in bed. also, you don't need to be a sex god and screaming in bed is not necessarily the hallmark of good sex.
 

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romance is more important than sex to me. I want to be loved and taken care of and in someones thoughts when they do things, like sitting by my side or texting me or watching an anime or movie with me on netflix ^3^ Sex can be intimate, but a backrub/scalp massage or a cuddle and talking about things that make us happy is so much better for me..
 

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Weird I could've sworn I posted in this thread already.

If I am physically attracted to someone then romantic attraction intensifies that. I'm also automatically attracted to someone sexually if I feel romantically towards them. So I don't really see the two as a tradeoff. Though I do think a person who's just looking for sex is going to seek out different opportunities than a person who's looking for both. So maybe that gives the perception of a trade off because it looks like both those people have limited their options?
 

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No trade off there for me. I can't imagine romance without sex and I find sex without romance pointless.
 
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