[yellowtoccata]

Hi everyone,

I have a roommate dilemma. A new girl recently (in the middle of January) replaced my old roommate and has been causing a lot of problems, but I'm not sure how to handle them. I find that I can't stand up for myself without a great deal of anxiety. I don't want to hurt her feelings or cause tension.

If it helps, this is what she's done:

1) She has a habit of bullying me; she tells me where I'm allowed to put things and blames me for things her sister has done (e.g., she finds a stain in the kitchen and insists on my cleaning it up when, in actuality, I am not the perpetrator).

2) She wants her sister, who is in her thirties and claims an inability to pay rent, to live with us.

3) She invades my space. Last night, while I was in my bedroom, she came in, grabbed my laptop from my hands, and insisted that she needs to know whether gas or electricity costs more. (I checked: There was simply no way to tell.) She claims that she must know this in order to determine whether to buy a toaster. It was very, very hard to get her to leave my bedroom.

There are other issues, but these are the most troubling. Do any of my fellow INFPs have experience with standing up for themselves or "rocking the boat" in times like this? I'm terribly upset at the prospect of having to confront her. (It isn't that I haven't had to do this with roommates before; rather, I am nervous because of her controlling attitude.)

 

[stormgirl]

Each one of these is a huge red flag, and the longer you allow her to stay, I guarantee the worse it will get! This is your home, and you have the right to feel safe in your own home.

By allowing her to stay, you are giving her the message that her behavior is okay. By not standing up to her, you are essentially telling her that she may continue to bully you, which she will be quite happy to keep doing.

If you allow her sister to move in rent free, you will likely then have two people bullying you. This will not magically stop on its own unless and until you put a stop to it. You have the power to stop it at any time by telling her she has to leave. You do not owe her anything. She likely bullies everyone she comes into contact with, and this is how she gets through life.

Depending on what your arrangement is, there are different options. Do you own the home, or are you renting as well, and have a roommate to cover the costs? If you are not the owner of this home, then I strongly suggest you immediately contact the landlord to get some assistance. If you are the owner, have you signed a contract or lease with her? If you don’t have a written agreement, then you have the right to ask her to leave immediately, and are not obligated to give notice written or otherwise. It would essentially be the same as asking a guest in your home to leave. If you are the owner, you have the right to do so at any time regardless of the reason.

I understand your anxiety around asking her to leave. I hate conflict myself, but over time have learned the skills to stand up for myself in such situations, and am so glad I did!

I would recommend you get a family member or close friend you are comfortable with to help you, or be present when you talk to her. If you don’t like the idea of talking to her, you can also tell her in writing.

 

[The Dude]

Hi everyone,

I have a roommate dilemma. A new girl recently (in the middle of January) replaced my old roommate and has been causing a lot of problems, but I'm not sure how to handle them. I find that I can't stand up for myself without a great deal of anxiety. I don't want to hurt her feelings or cause tension.

If it helps, this is what she's done:

1) She has a habit of bullying me; she tells me where I'm allowed to put things and blames me for things her sister has done (e.g., she finds a stain in the kitchen and insists on my cleaning it up when, in actuality, I am not the perpetrator).

2) She wants her sister, who is in her thirties and claims an inability to pay rent, to live with us.

3) She invades my space. Last night, while I was in my bedroom, she came in, grabbed my laptop from my hands, and insisted that she needs to know whether gas or electricity costs more. (I checked: There was simply no way to tell.) She claims that she must know this in order to determine whether to buy a toaster. It was very, very hard to get her to leave my bedroom.

There are other issues, but these are the most troubling. Do any of my fellow INFPs have experience with standing up for themselves or "rocking the boat" in times like this? I'm terribly upset at the prospect of having to confront her. (It isn't that I haven't had to do this with roommates before; rather, I am nervous because of her controlling attitude.)

Oh fuck that shit. There is already tension and anxiety. You need to stand up for yourself, but right now you're a punching bag and it is only going to get worse.

On a side note, why did you even let her move in? Is there a contract? If no, why not, and if so what the stipulations on it?

 

[KC]

Guess one of you has got to move out of that place.

I agree that by allowing her to behave this way and cross your personal boundaries, you're only empowering or affirming her behavior.

I used to live in a hostel back in college and I'd hear stories of insufferable roommates. Some of my friends had lost money before cause of people like this so you might wanna put your foot down, and hard.

Some people are just impossible to live with.

 

[yellowtoccata]

Oh fuck that shit. There is already tension and anxiety. You need to stand up for yourself, but right now you're a punching bag and it is only going to get worse.

On a side note, why did you even let her move in? Is there a contract? If no, why not, and if so what the stipulations on it?

I had no choice; it's a college apartment and I have to deal with whoever ends up here.

 

[OdinsVardogr]

This will not stop unless boundaries are set. Say exactly what you are thinking when something seems wrong, and observe if there's a ***** in her behaviour. Find it and work with it, then hit her with some hard truths. If she persists confide in a trusted adult(s) about your situation, and file evidence against her bullying behaviour i.e recording of verbal abuse, damaged possessions, notes, witnesses ect. Then report it to the college administrators. Last resort, request a change based upon given evidence.

 

[stormgirl]

I had no choice; it's a college apartment and I have to deal with whoever ends up here.

If this is campus housing, you do have options. You may not have picked her as a roommate, but this goes beyond a simple personality conflict, and you have more than enough to go on to report this individual, and ask that she be moved elsewhere.

It’s similar to being bullied at your workplace. You can’t control who else works there, and personality conflicts are bound to arise, but bullying is always something that can be reported and acted upon.

I hope you get the courage to report her, and get it sorted out. Not doing so can end up having a very negative impact on both your education and your health.

 

[Sangmu]

Nope! Though this was a recent change.

Last week I told my roommate that an automatically spraying aerosol "air-freshener" cannot by used in the common area because it is irritating my respiratory system. I didn't mention this, but it's also spraying chemicals on our food and bullshit, bathroom-esque scent all over my clothes as I walk past it. I think she's mad at me and I really don't give a fuck. I don't have the time or energy to give a fuck. I'm a good, quiet roommate and I tolerate her boyfriend sleeping over every night.

Tell your roommate that she has boundary problems and entitlement problems and that her sister absolutely cannot live in the apartment. Actually say, "It's not happening and if you don't understand why, you have boundary and entitlement issues. I will not tolerate being pressured further." Tell your landlord or resident management that she's pressuring you to let her sister move in...and in the meantime begin keeping your food and tooth brush locked somewhere in your room (if you're not already). It sucks but with some roommates it has to be done.

 

[Arzazar Szubrasznikarazar]

Hi everyone,

I have a roommate dilemma. A new girl recently (in the middle of January) replaced my old roommate and has been causing a lot of problems, but I'm not sure how to handle them. I find that I can't stand up for myself without a great deal of anxiety. I don't want to hurt her feelings or cause tension.

If it helps, this is what she's done:

1) She has a habit of bullying me; she tells me where I'm allowed to put things and blames me for things her sister has done (e.g., she finds a stain in the kitchen and insists on my cleaning it up when, in actuality, I am not the perpetrator).

2) She wants her sister, who is in her thirties and claims an inability to pay rent, to live with us.

3) She invades my space. Last night, while I was in my bedroom, she came in, grabbed my laptop from my hands, and insisted that she needs to know whether gas or electricity costs more. (I checked: There was simply no way to tell.) She claims that she must know this in order to determine whether to buy a toaster. It was very, very hard to get her to leave my bedroom.

There are other issues, but these are the most troubling. Do any of my fellow INFPs have experience with standing up for themselves or "rocking the boat" in times like this? I'm terribly upset at the prospect of having to confront her. (It isn't that I haven't had to do this with roommates before; rather, I am nervous because of her controlling attitude.)

@nichya

 

[succubus]

You allow as much as she puts on you.

 

[nichya]

@nichya

oh the memories, in all honesty I don't think I am the best person for this however I might be the most experienced.

 

[nichya]

Okay people, now you think her sister can not live with them? Well she can. That is the stupid law. Now you think she can't just walk in her room, most probably she can, in legal terms. That is the stupid law for you.

However, she is absolutely abusing you, yes you have to stand up for yourself but you have to be sure that you won't lose your control, even your tone. Go talk to the legal services of your collage, I am sure every collage has one. Now the legal adviser might ask if it involves another college student and may say that he may not be able to help you in that case. Insist and tell him you want to know your legal rights. Also, if you can, read the roommate law, whether you stay at a college housing or off campus.

Talk to the manager and get to learn your rights, if he says it is not his business, tell him you have rights and that you have talked to a legal adviser, even if the law is not on your side, try to give a strong image.

First things first - ask if you could get a lock on your door, even if it is only a lock you can lock from inside it will at least keep your roommate from rushing in when you are inside. If you think it is a big problem, tell the manager you don't feel safe.

Even if your roommate has a right to get her sister move in, the manager won't like the idea. If it is college housing, there must be limits for days and she might have to ask for permission with a written paper, which may or may not require your consent as well. However in reality people do have a lot of problems. In your case though, it seems like it won't be a short vacation so yes don't even give the impression you might be okay with it. You won't. If it is off campus, the law might say the sister can stay - just so you know off the record. However there might be a law that requires her to be a tenant after a certain time which would require her to pay as well. It is best never let her move in as it will probably be much more difficult later. Basically get your manager know that you won't let this, you will not just accept it, ask him to find a solution, replace her or find you a room whatever (just put some pressure basically (yea I know poor manager but they are the key to conflicts, they have power and voice more than you as it is their property and they can be much more efficient than law which basically is ridiculous for roommates) )

She can not snatch anything off your hands and certainly not snatch your belongings, that is law too.

Considering we live in a reality though and we can't use but law says this and that etc etc

I suggest you first try to learn your rights, then talk to your roommate in a controlled voice with very objective content. Try to remain firm and strong. Never let it get to the point of an argument, well even if does, try to remain calm. Make it known that it is a shared living space and you both need to conform to rules such as keeping off your space/room (you might also try to nicely hint this first and ask her to knock and ask if she could come in - you be the judge I don't know her nature) and that you do not have consent for her sister to move in. Tell her that you both have equal rights over common spaces.

Please know that, sadly, any kind of standing up might blow off as it highly depends on your roommate's attitude. Try to keep it brief and clear and not aggressive but firm. I would suggest not sweating the small stuff but it seems you might have to speak up as those can be quite bothersome points.

Also how ridiculous is the US law (at least my state) that gives you absolutely no control who can enter the house you pay rent for and sleep in? -_-'

 

[g_w]

Hi everyone,

I have a roommate dilemma. A new girl recently (in the middle of January) replaced my old roommate and has been causing a lot of problems, but I'm not sure how to handle them. I find that I can't stand up for myself without a great deal of anxiety. I don't want to hurt her feelings or cause tension.

If it helps, this is what she's done:

1) She has a habit of bullying me; she tells me where I'm allowed to put things and blames me for things her sister has done (e.g., she finds a stain in the kitchen and insists on my cleaning it up when, in actuality, I am not the perpetrator).

2) She wants her sister, who is in her thirties and claims an inability to pay rent, to live with us.

3) She invades my space. Last night, while I was in my bedroom, she came in, grabbed my laptop from my hands, and insisted that she needs to know whether gas or electricity costs more. (I checked: There was simply no way to tell.) She claims that she must know this in order to determine whether to buy a toaster. It was very, very hard to get her to leave my bedroom.

There are other issues, but these are the most troubling. Do any of my fellow INFPs have experience with standing up for themselves or "rocking the boat" in times like this? I'm terribly upset at the prospect of having to confront her. (It isn't that I haven't had to do this with roommates before; rather, I am nervous because of her controlling attitude.)

You need a new roommate. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Incidentally, since I'm an INTJ, I feel compelled to point this out. There is no reason for her to need to know whether gas or electricity costs more when considering a toaster, as there is currently no way to make toast in your standard college apartment using natural gas. Tell her to take her bread to the chemistry lab and brown it over the bunsen burners, like any normal person !/INTJ self-deprecatory humor>

Having a third person live with you (likely, as you say, "rent free!") is something which may well be in violation of the lease. I'd check up with the landlord on this: due to liability issues, the landlord may well lean towards your side on this. But tenants rights vary a great deal from state to state (especially in college towns), so your mileage may vary.

Also, having the boyfriend sleep over: if this new roomie is as ...unpredictable, let us say, as her behaviour towards you leads me to suspect, she may end up having a fearsome breakup with him, so be prepared.

Good luck. Nasty roommates are never fun: and are not what the whole college experience was intended to be about.

 

[nichya]

You need a new roommate. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Incidentally, since I'm an INTJ, I feel compelled to point this out. There is no reason for her to need to know whether gas or electricity costs more when considering a toaster, as there is currently no way to make toast in your standard college apartment using natural gas. Tell her to take her bread to the chemistry lab and brown it over the bunsen burners, like any normal person !/INTJ self-deprecatory humor>

Having a third person live with you (likely, as you say, "rent free!") is something which may well be in violation of the lease. I'd check up with the landlord on this: due to liability issues, the landlord may well lean towards your side on this. But tenants rights vary a great deal from state to state (especially in college towns), so your mileage may vary.

Also, having the boyfriend sleep over: if this new roomie is as ...unpredictable, let us say, as her behaviour towards you leads me to suspect, she may end up having a fearsome breakup with him, so be prepared.

Good luck. Nasty roommates are never fun: and are not what the whole college experience was intended to be about.

Ne dives in - maybe she was considering if she should use the oven or buy a toaster. Sometimes I use the oven to toast one slice of bread and it is funny but eh I don't like toasters with all crumbles in.

 

[g_w]

Ne dives in - maybe she was considering if she should use the oven or buy a toaster. Sometimes I use the oven to toast one slice of bread and it is funny but eh I don't like toasters with all crumbles in.

Gaaaaah! Inefficiency! A whole oven for just one slice!

Fie upon thee, and away from my sight! :kitteh:

 

[stormgirl]

Gaaaaah! Inefficiency! A whole oven for just one slice!

Fie upon thee, and away from my sight! :kitteh:

You could get a toaster oven...best of both worlds:wink:

 

[g_w]

You could get a toaster oven...best of both worlds:wink:

So, so very close, and yet so far. That's what you get for having Ni without Te, @stormgirl.

The dispute was over gas vs. electric, and a toaster oven is electric.

(Runs away, seeking shelter from the inevitable incoming lightning strike from @stormgirl aggrieved...)

 

[nichya]

Too much clutter. Oven & global warming it is !

 

[stormgirl]

So, so very close, and yet so far. That's what you get for having Ni without Te, @stormgirl .

The dispute was over gas vs. electric, and a toaster oven is electric.

(Runs away, seeking shelter from the inevitable incoming lightning strike from @stormgirl aggrieved...)

Oops:tongue:

I did read the earlier posts, but got stuck on the weirdness of someone making toast in an oven, forgetting all about the gas vs. electric part of the conversation!

*sigh*

 

[yellowtoccata]

Okay people, now you think her sister can not live with them? Well she can. That is the stupid law. Now you think she can't just walk in her room, most probably she can, in legal terms. That is the stupid law for you.

The legal terms of campus housing state that no one other than the leased tenants may reside in the apartment.