[sriracha]

I'm a poor college student; so is she. I am extremely tight on budget, seriously. All of the money I make goes somewhere- to cover food, housing, or whatever I need to pay off. None of it goes to my savings.:sad: I'm a pretty generous person. But I've come across the decision to whether I should share what I have with others, because I can barely provide for myself. Whenever I make food, I like to share it with others, but I've started packing it in the fridge for later meals. She sometimes eats with me, and now that I'm not sharing with her, I feel that she expects me to make her something. Btw, she doesn't know how to cook much for herself (pancakes and waffles, that's it!). She complains to me about not knowing what she's going to bring to lunch the next day, what she's going to make for dinner, etc.. The thing is, I'm the one doing most of the giving. I'm not getting anything back from her, except a piece of bread (which I already have in the cupboard :dry. Reading and thinking back at this, I think I'm a really kind person (lol not to be conceited:laughing. I think she has a way of making me feel guilty by not eating the whole day, watching me cook, and complimenting me on my food. She doesn't help me make food either.

Okay. So I would like to know what you would do in this situation? How do I tell her to back off? I mean, she has also become my friend. And she's really frugal. She doesn't want to take out any loans or go into debt.

 

[MuChApArAdOx]

You have to make her realize that you both need to depend on yourselves ( individually ) in order to get through University. Explain to her logically that you can't financially support both of you. She may need to seek outside help from her parents, get a job or do whatever it takes in order to stay in school and take care of her needs. There is no reason they can't work part time while attending school. This person may take advantage of you, they need to be more independent. The more you give , the less likely they will help themselves. Tough love isn't easy, although sometimes its necessary.

Set your boundaries with food, shelter and other financial needs . Make it clear they understand that you can't afford to take care of both of you. Her needs are not your responsibility. Not saying anything to this person is only encouraging them to think its o.k...when it is not. Helping people is ok if they are doing something productive to help themselves. She doesn't want to go into dept, neither do you. Sometimes you need to take out more loans in order to survive....either that, or leave school. Why should you feel guilty because she doesn't eat, that isn't your responsibility. This is probably a good time for her to get out and look for a part time job that could be bringing her in an income/helping herself.

 

[nádej]

She's got to learn how to take care of herself sometime.

It will do neither of you any good to keep on like this, when clearly it's stressing you out, and also clearly she's prolonging not being able to take care of her needs. You're not obligated to support her.

Maybe next time you're cooking, invite her to help? Show her to some good recipes?

Aside from that...I'd just look out for yourself on this one. If she asks for help and it pertains to her learning how to do things for herself and you feel comfortable doing it, go for it. Otherwise, she's an adult (or close enough) and is more than capable of figuring stuff out on her own so that she doesn't starve to death. And if she's not? She really needs to work on that, because life is only going to get more difficult and more full of responsibility after college.

 

[crazyeddie]

Given that she doesn't know how to cook, I'd offer to cook for her if she covered half the food bill. Or possibly more than half, but that might be violating your giving nature.

 

[sriracha]

She already has a job, and she has a nice family at home that she's very close to. Everyone at my school is kind (in general), because it is a private Christian university. I don't want to look like the bad guy here. Thanks for your input anyways.

 

[kudi]

She already has a job, and she has a nice family at home that she's very close to. Everyone at my school is kind (in general), because it is a private Christian university. I don't want to look like the bad guy here. Thanks for your input anyways.

Being kind doesn't equal doormat. If I remember correctly there is a verse that says something like first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. So take care of yourself first, only then should you be taking care of others otherwise your no good to anyone. Its not good guy, bad guy, its preservation of yourself so that you have the luxury to give.

Ah, softies.. what you can do is after stating that while you can't give as much as you would like that you still care for her and give her a cook book and/or offer to take time to teach her to cook. That way you can preserve your finances and not feel like a bad guy. Or just be like, look for my own sanity I can't let you leave without learning how to cook and make it more of a thing where by she is helping you by allowing you to teach her to cook.

 

[Adrift]

If I were a poor college student, I'd eat oatmeal and ramen every day, with maybe a chicken salad and some carrot sticks. Since oatmeal is kinda inexpensive, you should be able to share it with your room-mate. Maybe you two can divide up the grocery list.

 

[Einstein]

1. Make more money.
2. Remove roommate.
3. Eat food.

Logic works.

 

[crazyeddie]

1. Make more money.
2. Remove roommate.
3. Eat food.

Logic works.

Eat roommate. INTP>INTJ

 

[sriracha]

Thanks for everyone's input!! I really appreciate it!

 

[Tulipgarden]

Can you write your name on what you buy? Im just taking this from a standpoint of having four kids living with me. My two and two step kids and nobody seems to want to share or someone is mad cause they didn't get such and such and someone else at it all. Then they eat the stuff that i bought for dinner so when I go to make my dinner I am missing my shredded cheese, for example. SOOOO...now I write their names on snacks and on drinks. I give it out equally but put names on these things. And I label things "Dinner" so they know not to devour it before I go to make my next meal.

Maybe labeling clearly will state that this is for "me" and encourage her to label her stuff too. And if she thinks you are being stingy just tell her what I told my children "Im managing my resources here cause I have a budget to abide by". It can't be a free for all.

 

[chittychitty LightNING]

Problem : Roommate depends on you for food.

Solution 1 : Purchase a bag of jelly beans and lay them out in a trail-like fashion leading to a dumpster nearby. Typically before trash day, one can find a variation of foods within dumpsters. Preferably find one behind a restaurant. This method should buy you about 3-4 days before roommate shows up again looking for food. Renew this method for another 4 days. Cost : small pack of jelly beans - $1.

Solution 2 : Tie a fishing pole to your unwitting roommate and drive him out to the middle of nowhere. Attach a desirable bait to the end of the fishing line - such as a Subway sandwich or a bag of potato chips. Have your roommate exit the vehicle, and once he is out, drive off. He will be at it for hours in chase like a predator for it's food, unknowing that the contraption on his back is holding it just out of his reach.
Note : He may not figure it out. Roommates are typically not the smartest of mammals. This method may require moral consideration after 3 days, depending on the intelligence of said roommate, and whether they deserve to starve.


These methods have been perfected throughout history, and are proven to be effective if care is taken beforehand. For full effect, please follow the directions written as they are; do not improvise.

 

[cherry blossom]

Some people expect to be taken care of, and if you allow the situation to continue it will become more and more difficult to get out of it.

Best to be honest with her as soon as possible. Tell her that you have a budget and can't afford to feed her too. Offer to teach her how to cook, but she will have to buy her own ingredients. Maybe get her a simple cookbook as a present.

You could also offer to do all the cooking if you split the grocery bills halfway. I personally wouldn't do this, because eventually you will start resenting having to do all the work and never really getting anything back.

 

[Empecinado]

There are lessons to be learnt here. People will always attempt to exploit you and if she is telling the truth with that lame excuse she's going to starve to death.

Everyone's talking about compromise which is crap because why do you need to compromise? What is she giving to you? Nothing. She should be paying you for all the effort you put in.

I know people that steal my food when I am away for the weekend so I tend to keep all my food in my room. They wouldn't care about labels and wouldn't be interested in splitting the bill - just taking anything they can for free.

Please be my roommate. I would happily exchange effort + food if it is equal.

 

[cherry blossom]

There are lessons to be learnt here. People will always attempt to exploit you and if she is telling the truth with that lame excuse she's going to starve to death.

Everyone's talking about compromise which is crap because why do you need to compromise? What is she giving to you? Nothing. She should be paying you for all the effort you put in.

I know people that steal my food when I am away for the weekend so I tend to keep all my food in my room. They wouldn't care about labels and wouldn't be interested in splitting the bill - just taking anything they can for free.

Please be my roommate. I would happily exchange effort + food if it is equal.

You're being quite harsh, considering you don't actually know the person. Some people don't set out to steal food, and that behaviour wasn't mentioned. It seems like she just doesn't realise that she needs to take care of herself now. Nothing wrong with trying to explain that to her before taking the step of keeping food in your room.

Also the OP said that they have become friends. Cooking with friends can be really good fun. This one might just need some teaching and help, which might build her confidence.

That said, I have also lived with people who will simply take as much advantage as they can, so it is important to draw the line clearly.

 

[Xiong Mao]

This is why I don't share anything valuable. I'm a T and would say flat out "get your hands off of my stuff!" I would explain that I will not be living with her forever and that now is the perfect time for her to learn a little self-reliance. If you don't know how to do something, (i.e. cook) then Google it. She's in college, out of the house, and needs to grow up. If it gets to the point where she doesn't listen and still eats my food, then I would hide my food and laugh as she tries to find a way to outsmart me. Eventually, when the semester's over, I would request a new roommate and explain the same no-touchy rules to my new roommate on day one.