[mahouducky]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm an INFJ and 4w5. I've never used a site like this before so I'm sorry if I do some things wrong. I have a coping mechanism that I have used for most of my life that I am pretty ashamed of. I tend to be rude on purpose in social situations when I am getting overwhelmed with painful emotions in order to regain my composure.

I come off as off-putting, maybe? I tend to say things I know will end the interaction quickly but aren't like super mean. I'm not really sure how to explain it. Just questionably polite enough. I have a lot of anxiety around talking to people. I can't just say a thing and be content with it. I have to agonize over every tiny thing, how my lip probably moved the wrong way that doesn't match my inflection, and while I'm agonizing I worry that maybe I'm missing important pieces of what the person is telling me and that makes my internal freak-out worse.

I don't really socialize a lot on my own time. I have a partner and two best friends, one local to me, and one across the country. They're the only people who really get me and I love being around them. But when I have to be around other people even for short amounts of time the anxiety I feel is ridiculous and I know it isn't really the people's fault, I just get nervous about talking. Which is why I feel evil for not being friendly. Since they have no way of knowing what is going on inside me and could think that I don't like them or have a personal vendetta against them. I never want to be mean or hurt someone, that's the last thing I want to do. But there's no way to tell a stranger "Hey! Sorry I'm rude, it's because socializing makes me wanna cry!" and I wouldn't want them to know that either.

I think a lot of it comes down to me feeling like they wouldn't like me anyway. So I just stop trying all together even if it's just a fleeting conversation with some lady in the grocery store. It's an instinct at this point. I only realized that was what I was doing recently.

I'd also like more friends but I'm really weird. I rarely find anyone I connect with. My mom says I need to make more friends but it's not like I go around not making friends on purpose. I make them when they come. I could go make a million friends and then be exhausted and feel like a failure for not being able to adequately share my time and love with all of them because of the sheer amount of friends I'd have. It's easier for me to have fewer friends because I can be a better friend when I have less to focus on.

Also, I'm sorry if this is super unclear or anything. I have trouble organizing my thoughts sometimes in a way that makes sense to others. I also feel super soft and vulnerable inside but I guess I don't come across that way which makes me sad. I want people to know me and it's just hard.

I guess I feel alone in this and don't want to but maybe it's mean that I wish other people also have this problem? Ugh. Is there anyone that has dealt with this? Maybe you can share some ways you handle it? Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it.

 

[StableSun35]

I interacted with someone at a store a month or two ago and felt I may have come across as short and crabby, and I felt bad, she seemed like a nice person, the sales girl. I saw her today and she was friendly and made me laugh and I felt forgiven. Not sure why I needed that validation from her but it felt nice. I know I like being liked but I have a pretty clear understanding at present about humans that goes like this: Sometimes humans have bad days. That means someone might lash out at me, doesn’t make her a bad person, it just means she had a bad day. And in accepting that, it gives me the space to have a bad day here and there too, and just be human.

If you are overstimulated and need to not be around people more frequently, you can take steps toward creating that life for yourself. I have, my work is much quieter than my last one, and my home is like a super peaceful retreat that is my island of comfort. We all have different needs, sounds like you are identifying yours and ready to make some changes? I wouldn’t worry too much about being rude if you are overstimulated, people can be thick sometimes and not ‘get it’ when they need to back off, some people need a louder voice at them to actually hear what you are saying, if that makes sense. You can always apologize too, but it sounds like you more want to carve out your life so you feel better about it than to make amends with those you may have hurt.

Seems like every post I write I say this, but I highly recommend meditation. If you can sit quietly for ten minutes a few times a day, uninterrupted, it’s a really great way to connect with yourself and identify your needs as you go through your day, instead of not knowing or ignoring them until you are so burnt out you just crash, I’ve done that for years. Feeling great with meditations through the day!

 

[hopebeat]

@mahouduckey hey girl!

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum. I’ve made many dear friends on here. I commend you for reaching out for some support. That’s amazing that you’re looking to get some help for yourself. You do sound very clear and genuine through your words and sentences so no need to be sorry about it at all.

I want to start off with your mom. I know moms think they are being helpful by suggesting some things in your life, but at the end of the day it’s your life—not your moms. You are your own person and if you want more friends then you decide to get them. You don’t need anyone else’s permission. If you’re fine with the friends you have then that’s perfect for you! You’re perfect and complete just how you are, more friends doesn’t make or break your worth and how awesome you are, right? You said that you don’t want more friends but you also would like more friends too. Do you think you *should* have more friends, or do you really want more friends in your life?

I would like you to think about some things for a minute. You don’t have to answer them on here unless you want to, just think..
what makes you think that you’re rude to people all the time? Have people said things to you at all?
Is this perceived rudeness a personal reaction to anything?
What advice would you give to a friend of yours if they told you that they feel like people don’t like them because they think that they’re rude?

Think about these things for a minute..

Ok I’ll give you my take on this.. I think you are telling yourself a story that you don’t get along with anyone and that you act rude in defense for yourself because you’re afraid of what other people think.
There’s a couple layers of issues here: vulnerability, self love, and your perception of others. Am I hearing this problem correctly?

There are ways to increase self love and to not care what others think and I’m willing to share this with you, I just don’t want to overwhelm you with a boatload of information in one post. One thing to start off with, like the poster above me said, is meditation. I recommend for just starting out is to do it as soon as you wake up in the morning. Just start off with five minutes. Set a timer on your phone, close your eyes and just listen. Don’t hold on to the thoughts in your head just let them come and go.

Up until now, I used to care what people think so much. I now just let people think what they want and it doesn’t affect me barely at all anymore. I’ve accomplished this by practicing self love and letting myself feel joy on a daily basis. Hurt people hurt people, we treat people how we feel inside. Increasing love and joy to yourself will help you. I know you can start loving yourself and it will improve your life so much. I’ve been on both sides of it, and you have the power to help yourself and make it better. I will share more of this with you if you’re interested, I am going to wait for a reply over here first to see how you’re doing with this info so far.

Thank yourself for making an account here to receive some support. I’m excited for you and I cannot wait to hear from you.

 

[BlueRaspberry]

I would like you to think about some things for a minute. You don’t have to answer them on here unless you want to, just think..
what makes you think that you’re rude to people all the time? Have people said things to you at all?
Is this perceived rudeness a personal reaction to anything?
What advice would you give to a friend of yours if they told you that they feel like people don’t like them because they think that they’re rude?

I agree with Hopebeat. Humans in general aren't great at figuring out how they are perceived by others. When you think you are being rude to someone, do you see any change in facial expression in them? Do they start behaving differently toward you? If not, it could just be your anxiety talking. FJs are very sensitive to nuances in social interactions, but most people probably aren't as sensitive as you ( I'm an FP and don't value social conventions, so if someone was "rude" to me, there is a 50 percent chance that I wouldn't even notice).
If you actually are coming across as abrupt to other people; If you can think of rude ways to end a conversation, you can think of polite ways as well, or google ways to tactfully end a conversation. Make up excuses like, "it was nice talking to you, I gotta run to the *blank* real quick" (sorry for the lame example, I don't have Fe ). You say your social anxiety comes from focusing too much on what you are saying and how you are coming across instead of focusing on what the other person is saying (I'm guilty of this too). Chances are, your conversation partner is busy thinking about whatever they're talking about, and not focusing on your "flaws" at all. Treat the conversation as an opportunity to learn more about the other person rather than as a great trial of your social skills (easier said than done, but in terms of being genuinely interested in other people, Fe users have an advantage ).

 

[clem]

Being rude on purpose to shorten anxiety provoking social interactions seems to be much better than what I do. I try to be super super nice which then ends up being unintentionally rude which then lengthens anxiety provoking social interactions making them awkward also. At least @mahouducky is efficient and succeeds where I fail. Maybe I should just try to be rude on purpose when I get that bad feeling.

 

[twistedblade056]

Being rude on purpose to shorten anxiety provoking social interactions seems to be much better than what I do. I try to be super super nice which then ends up being unintentionally rude which then lengthens anxiety provoking social interactions making them awkward also. At least @mahouducky is efficient and succeeds where I fail. Maybe I should just try to be rude on purpose when I get that bad feeling.

Exactly!