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I'm wondering if other ENFPs relate to this. So obviously, in the real world, relationships are rarely ever 100% perfect. There will always be obstacles and hurdles to get over and to overcome.

The problem with me is, I seem to have an extremely strong need to run when things get hard at all. When a relationship I'm in has any sort of problem, my gut reaction is to run away and block the person out of my life, even if I really love them.

It's something that has probably saved me a lot of heartache, because I'm quick to cut people out of my life, but it's also something that I don't like about myself, since I tend to overreact when people don't meet my expectations and I want to run. It's something I'm working to improve about myself, but I really would rather just run away than deal with the pain and problems of the situation that I'm dealing with at the time.

How about you other ENFPs?
 

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I'm wondering if other ENFPs relate to this. So obviously, in the real world, relationships are rarely ever 100% perfect. There will always be obstacles and hurdles to get over and to overcome.

The problem with me is, I seem to have an extremely strong need to run when things get hard at all. When a relationship I'm in has any sort of problem, my gut reaction is to run away and block the person out of my life, even if I really love them.

It's something that has probably saved me a lot of heartache, because I'm quick to cut people out of my life, but it's also something that I don't like about myself, since I tend to overreact when people don't meet my expectations and I want to run. It's something I'm working to improve about myself, but I really would rather just run away than deal with the pain and problems of the situation that I'm dealing with at the time.

How about you other ENFPs?
Yes, I deal with this dilemma. The question I always come down to is, "Is this person someone who is willing to listen and change?" If not, it might be better to run. You might be doing the exact right and smart thing.
(I want to edit this out, because I think I am in a reflective Si mood and it ends up not being constructive, but at the same time I learned a lot from the following experience and maybe you could too, so I'm leaving it...I guess...)
We ( my family) left the state we were living in mainly to get away from my crazy ESTJ mother in law and ISTJ father in law and STJ siblings in law! lol There were other reasons too, but that's the main one. So, my life coach said that this decision came out of strength, not cowardice. Basically I had the strength to leave, the strength to stand up for myself and the courage to build a new life in unknown territory. I'm going to take this interpretation and I believe it. You could see your own experience of "running" probably in the same light. It's really hard for me to not have confidence in my ability to fix relationships. It's also really hard for me to not have faith that there is good in people and that people can change for the better. That was the hope I'd been holding onto for so long. That one day the in-laws were going to figure out how abusive they were being and that one day the relationship would improve. Today I read over the "unhealthy ESTJ" thread and it re-affirmed to me again that our family did the right thing. It was the strong, smart thing to do. They were abusive and there was no way no matter what that they were going to let up and there was no way they were going to fess up to it. SO. I am protecting my husband (their son). I am protecting my kids (their grandkids) from them by "running". I have decided to say that we "eloped" after 14 years of marriage, makes it more romantic and shows the togetherness that the decision took-- we did it for love! I actually think it's not hard for us ENFPs to be brave! I mean, I HATE conflict, but if I think there is a chance for people to work together I will be brave every time. The hard part is giving up hope in people and knowing when I can't change things. Mostly I have a naive faith that I can change any situation. (I hope I'm making sense).
I also had to deal with the worry that I hadn't forgiven them-- but I have! My worries about the forgiveness were really just me still kind of clinging to the idea that maybe they might have changed. I have now moved on!
I don't know if this is just me or not-- but we ENFPs all hate conflict, that's for sure. And I think most of us work hard to diffuse conflict, and sometimes we work too hard at it when instead we should leave
Hope this helps!
 
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I always get that urge to run that it ruins my hope for the relationship. It's pretty destructive. I stick at it though because my fight/flight system seems to be broken and I can never make the right decision. No matter which decision I make I regret it.
 

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I'm a type 2 ENFP. Yes, I run away from conflict. I would rather be at zen with my environment. It's just what I prefer. I do, however, have the ability to prioritize relationships I consider to be essential even if they cause friction. I classify friends, family, and strangers within this bubble theory. Newer relationships that have formed with me (stranger's) bubbles have not gained the added defense to their bubbles, this magical forcefield keeping them from popping with me. Time and events can add to a person's forcefield. If they act like a bully or become confrontational with me in the new stage I often will put them on a permanent ignore list. Example someone pressuring me to reply just so he can be a bully is one of the times I would have added a person to ignore. Someone being negative to everyone can be added to the list. I don't hate, dislike, scorn, or associate negative feelings towards people on my ignore list if they're strangers. To gain that association I would have to trust someone first and love them, then be backstabbed. Anyways, people in my inner bubble system have been there for years and can turn me red in the face from being angry at them but because of their positive actions towards me, it prevents me from popping their bubbles. These people have shown they have the ability to fit with me like a great shoe even if after walking miles in them they may cause a blister. If I could walk 500 miles with someone as a travel buddy, they're in my life for a lifetime through all the tears and laughter. If someone can make it into my inner sanctum, I'm yours. All my friends will state I'm one of the most loyalists out of all of us. My relationship with my best friend is over 25 years in length.

 

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Yes, I deal with this dilemma. The question I always come down to is, "Is this person someone who is willing to listen and change?" If not, it might be better to run. You might be doing the exact right and smart thing.
(I want to edit this out, because I think I am in a reflective Si mood and it ends up not being constructive, but at the same time I learned a lot from the following experience and maybe you could too, so I'm leaving it...I guess...)
We ( my family) left the state we were living in mainly to get away from my crazy ESTJ mother in law and ISTJ father in law and STJ siblings in law! lol There were other reasons too, but that's the main one. So, my life coach said that this decision came out of strength, not cowardice. Basically I had the strength to leave, the strength to stand up for myself and the courage to build a new life in unknown territory. I'm going to take this interpretation and I believe it. You could see your own experience of "running" probably in the same light. It's really hard for me to not have confidence in my ability to fix relationships. It's also really hard for me to not have faith that there is good in people and that people can change for the better. That was the hope I'd been holding onto for so long. That one day the in-laws were going to figure out how abusive they were being and that one day the relationship would improve. Today I read over the "unhealthy ESTJ" thread and it re-affirmed to me again that our family did the right thing. It was the strong, smart thing to do. They were abusive and there was no way no matter what that they were going to let up and there was no way they were going to fess up to it. SO. I am protecting my husband (their son). I am protecting my kids (their grandkids) from them by "running". I have decided to say that we "eloped" after 14 years of marriage, makes it more romantic and shows the togetherness that the decision took-- we did it for love! I actually think it's not hard for us ENFPs to be brave! I mean, I HATE conflict, but if I think there is a chance for people to work together I will be brave every time. The hard part is giving up hope in people and knowing when I can't change things. Mostly I have a naive faith that I can change any situation. (I hope I'm making sense).
I also had to deal with the worry that I hadn't forgiven them-- but I have! My worries about the forgiveness were really just me still kind of clinging to the idea that maybe they might have changed. I have now moved on!
I don't know if this is just me or not-- but we ENFPs all hate conflict, that's for sure. And I think most of us work hard to diffuse conflict, and sometimes we work too hard at it when instead we should leave
Hope this helps!
Despite it being one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever had to make, I’m really glad you got out of a horrible situation Alesha. Like you, I almost refuse to see the bad in people. I do think there’s room for redemption (nobody’s perfect), but I always give people more chances than they deserve. When it comes to conflict, I’d much rather put the blame on myself or “run away” instead of dealing with my problems head-on. I think a lot of it is due to my not-so-pleasant childhood and it definitely explains why I constantly seek validation from others.

Not a healthy mindset to have at all but I'm working on it! :hampster:
 

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Despite it being one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever had to make, I’m really glad you got out of a horrible situation Alesha. Like you, I almost refuse to see the bad in people. I do think there’s room for redemption (nobody’s perfect), but I always give people more chances than they deserve. When it comes to conflict, I’d much rather put the blame on myself or “run away” instead of dealing with my problems head-on. I think a lot of it is due to my not-so-pleasant childhood and it definitely explains why I constantly seek validation from others.

Not a healthy mindset to have at all but I'm working on it! :hampster:
This is occurring more and more to myself.. I think there's an element to it (a huge generalisation that requires about a mug of salt)- where those people who may become better equipped for dealing with challenges in relationships/interactions (and in general life) are people who had upbringings with some conflict, but resolution as well. It develops you as someone who is more secure with conflict, and understands it as a necessary part of resolving problems at times. Even people who come from very sheltered and happy backgrounds (I can name one or two examples myself) might tend to avoid conflict- they'll be drawn to other people like themselves and if they find them they can be incredibly happy.. but if they don't they may struggle too.

If you're from a family where conflict was constantly linked with negative consequences- it's obviously going to affect you.
 

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This is occurring more and more to myself.. I think there's an element to it (a huge generalisation that requires about a mug of salt)- where those people who may become better equipped for dealing with challenges in relationships/interactions (and in general life) are people who had upbringings with some conflict, but resolution as well. It develops you as someone who is more secure with conflict, and understands it as a necessary part of resolving problems at times. Even people who come from very sheltered and happy backgrounds (I can name one or two examples myself) might tend to avoid conflict- they'll be drawn to other people like themselves and if they find them they can be incredibly happy.. but if they don't they may struggle too.

If you're from a family where conflict was constantly linked with negative consequences- it's obviously going to affect you.
I was actually talking to a friend about this the other day. She’s someone who pretty much sees the world through rose-coloured glasses and I really admire her for it. But I have noticed she takes her optimism and kindness a bit too far sometimes. The difference between us is while I do let people take advantage of me, I tend to bottle up my emotions, build resentment and in the end cut ties with those people lol. My friend, on the other hand, doesn’t mind if people act like that with her and if anything she encourages it because it makes her feel good knowing she can make others feel good (twisted, I know).

She had a fairly normal childhood and was well-liked by her peers but the more we dived deeper, I found that things were a bit more complicated. When she was little her father was physically abusive towards her mother and that really affected her growing up. I discovered her positive outlook on life was merely a defence mechanism and she subconsciously pushed the trauma she went through to the back of her mind. My friend speculates that the reason she has such a high tolerance for awful behaviour is because if she didn’t, she would then have to acknowledge that her father isn’t perfect and that would break her. Since she hasn’t received the closure regarding the situation with her dad, it’s made it hard for her to resolve current conflicts in her life and she would prefer just to avoid them altogether.
 

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Issa, thank you for your encouragement above, btw. It stuck with me! ty! I get your concern for your friend. I think its important to call things what they are. I try to call abusive behavior what it is. Its interesting that abuse can be so highly individualistic to cultures and to individuals. Its interesting how badly we need our parents to be good and I wonder how much Fe or Fi determines this need, must of us are able to grow up to see our parents as faulty humans and it won't threaten us at a certain age. I can see why she is having a hard time dealing with some things.
Going back to running. We hate conflicts, yes.
What if it is commitment we are running from? The INFJs always talk about ENFPs needing space. They talk about us running away from intense relationships. This surprises me and I don't quite understand it. I understand my need for freedom a bit differently, but I'm not sure how to explain it except that I do not feel i need space from healthy INFJs or space from intensity of devotion from my husband. "I have my freedom, but I don't have much time." --Rolling Stones. What do people think?

Detour....my twin 12 year olds are giggling at everything tonight. I'm showing them "Lost" for the first time and they are into it and keep saying "Ewww" at all the blood and making fun of the invisible monster and asking each other, "Is this a flashback?" "No remember this guy is from the..." Ahhhh, so fun!
Also.. just 2 hours until Stranger Things S2!
 
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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Going back to running. We hate conflicts, yes.
What if it is commitment we are running from? The INFJs always talk about ENFPs needing space. They talk about us running away from intense relationships. This surprises me and I don't quite understand it. I understand my need for freedom a bit differently, but I'm not sure how to explain it except that I do not feel i need space from healthy INFJs or space from intensity of devotion from my husband. "I have my freedom, but I don't have much time." --Rolling Stones. What do people think?
Actually that's partly what I was referring to. Although I was mainly referring to conflict, commitment was also something I was talking about. For example, I'm in a long term relationship right now with an ENFJ. I love him so much, and just like you I'm not afraid of his devotion or anything like that. I love him more than anything. But we have had our conflicts, and this is where I'm wondering if you guys relate. So if we get into a fight, all he wants to do is talk it out and constantly be around me, and I'm like, hey I need some space, you are suffocating me right now and I can't BREATHE. And I hate being like that, because I know all he wants to do is resolve whatever issue we are having... but when we do have an issue, it's like a gut instinct of mine to run in the opposite direction. He complains about how I "need too much space" when he wants no space after we have a conflict. I need tons of time on my own to decompress and he often can't handle this.

So the thing you say about what INFJs say about ENFPS (being my partner is an ENFJ) is extremely spot on it's almost weird haha.

Also.. just 2 hours until Stranger Things S2!
I binge watched the whole show this weekend lol!!
 

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I binged it too! I got my Stranger Things party! So awsome! I liked it just as well as Season 1, you?
 
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I binged it too! I got my Stranger Things party! So awsome! I liked it just as well as Season 1, you?
I actually think I liked it even better! It was a lot more intense than season 1, and the characters developed a lot more which was awesome. Overall great :chuncky: I told myself that I would only watch one episode, and I ended up watching all nine! I'm just pissed it was so short.
 

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Yes! <3 <3 <3 !!!
 

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Actually that's partly what I was referring to. Although I was mainly referring to conflict, commitment was also something I was talking about. For example, I'm in a long term relationship right now with an ENFJ. I love him so much, and just like you I'm not afraid of his devotion or anything like that. I love him more than anything. But we have had our conflicts, and this is where I'm wondering if you guys relate. So if we get into a fight, all he wants to do is talk it out and constantly be around me, and I'm like, hey I need some space, you are suffocating me right now and I can't BREATHE. And I hate being like that, because I know all he wants to do is resolve whatever issue we are having... but when we do have an issue, it's like a gut instinct of mine to run in the opposite direction. He complains about how I "need too much space" when he wants no space after we have a conflict. I need tons of time on my own to decompress and he often can't handle this.

So the thing you say about what INFJs say about ENFPS (being my partner is an ENFJ) is extremely spot on it's almost weird haha.
You see I get that feeling but I also get the feeling to run and I recognise them as different feelings.

I have an ENTP, so there's Fe there too. My ENTP always wants to understand the cause of the problem but not always in the most sensitive way.

I need space to process things. I never get that space without an incredible fight... We have different ways of working out problems. If I was given that space to begin with the problem would be much less but I'm not so it gets to the point of suffocation.

I also have the urge to run. I always do. Maybe that's not because things are tough. But even if things are just going well.
 
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You see I get that feeling but I also get the feeling to run and I recognise them as different feelings.

I have an ENTP, so there's Fe there too. My ENTP always wants to understand the cause of the problem but not always in the most sensitive way.

I need space to process things. I never get that space without an incredible fight... We have different ways of working out problems. If I was given that space to begin with the problem would be much less but I'm not so it gets to the point of suffocation.

I also have the urge to run. I always do. Maybe that's not because things are tough. But even if things are just going well.
Ah interesting. I feel the same. I think I also have an urge to run even when things are going well. It's not because I'm not happy, but just something within me that says commitment is dangerous and should be treated with great caution. Hell, I hate using pens because it gives me anxiety with the fact that I can't erase what I put down on the paper, lol! I usually ignore my "urges" to run though, since I know most of the time, at least in my case, it's best not to run when things get hard.
 

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Well, I don't have the answer for this one. After an argument I want to solve it right away. I don't let my husband decompress, which I guess he needs a bit, but at the same time I did see an actual STUDY about this. It showed that couples who fix things right away were more likely to stay together. I wonder if this is actually something that is taught. I mean, if members in my husband's family are upset they will throw everything and the kitchen sink at you. Their way of arguing seems so unconstructive, kind of childish, and overly-defensive. The original issue gets completely lost in the light of more hurt. My family-- hmm... my family does resolve things and my family apologizes and also looks in-ward to find out if the fault was theirs and what needs to change. I equate self-esteem with being able to be wrong. I heard once that kids who knew they were loved were more likely to admit when they are wrong. So I expect for arguments (as much as I don't like them) to become constructive plans.

It took me a while to commit to someone. I felt like running in the dating years all the time, and to tell you the truth after I was married I used to have lots of dreams (I'm talking about while I am asleep) that I was dating other people. I think it took me like 10 years in the marriage to stop my dream dating lol. So there's that P function working hard to keep options open. lol. But no, I have to resolve things. I can't stand walking around mad or hurt. Maybe I should give my husband a breather--- but NO then I'd just be thinking bad thoughts about him and that isn't allowed for me. Too happy being happy with him. I work it out with him, I think it's a good thing for our marriage that I'm this way.
 

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Ah interesting. I feel the same. I think I also have an urge to run even when things are going well. It's not because I'm not happy, but just something within me that says commitment is dangerous and should be treated with great caution. Hell, I hate using pens because it gives me anxiety with the fact that I can't erase what I put down on the paper, lol! I usually ignore my "urges" to run though, since I know most of the time, at least in my case, it's best not to run when things get hard.
It's difficult to know when your urges to run are valid or not when you get them so frequently.
 
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[in sententious mode] In my experience, sometimes it's wisest to run away, or practice a kind of focused forbearance, in order to keep the other person from getting into a situation which you know from experience will absolutely end badly through both parties' characteristic choices, frustrations, temper, personal dynamic with each other, etc. etc. I must admit that I've never understood the pushbutton adversarialism which many people practice, framing everything as a ME or YOU Battle to the Death. Call me naive all you want, if two (or more) people who are together can't learn about life and living with humility and a shared sense of the wonders of discovery in this short life we have, they really shouldn't be together in the first place. It's not about "Who wins, me or you?", it's about "How can we as two people who love each other make life better for both of us?" Frame it as a conflict, and you've lost the war. And so, yes, sure, absolutely, skedaddle, and skedaddle proudly, when the trenches are being dug and the tanks are moving in--more power to you: What if they gave a war and nobody came?
 

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I'm wondering if other ENFPs relate to this. So obviously, in the real world, relationships are rarely ever 100% perfect. There will always be obstacles and hurdles to get over and to overcome.

The problem with me is, I seem to have an extremely strong need to run when things get hard at all. When a relationship I'm in has any sort of problem, my gut reaction is to run away and block the person out of my life, even if I really love them.

It's something that has probably saved me a lot of heartache, because I'm quick to cut people out of my life, but it's also something that I don't like about myself, since I tend to overreact when people don't meet my expectations and I want to run. It's something I'm working to improve about myself, but I really would rather just run away than deal with the pain and problems of the situation that I'm dealing with at the time.

How about you other ENFPs?
hmm ...

If I may ask and put critical remarks, how readily or easily do you engage with someone into making it an official relationship though? Personally I take quite a bit of time before I give it my all and deem a person fit enough for me to sustain and share such a deep connection which (talking about love and romance, that is). I've ''only'' had one romantic relationship, for a little over two years. I've could have had more ''relationships'' if I wanted to, but then with these people I already felt beforehand that something was missing or something was not ''complete'', if that makes any sense.

Someone I truly love I couldn't possibly just give up or run away from.

I mean I assume you mean these sort of relationships, or are you easily affected or hurt by friendship-relationships as well? Expectation-management is definitely useful, so yeah that would be good to keep in check, that seems very wise of you :).

I know all too well how it feels like when my expectations of people don't come true, or i'm let down or disappointed. I blame part of it to my idealism, yet at the same time I also give a lot to others, so I may hold them to my own standards. More often than not the balance is off.
On the other hand it is fair to say that I also ''need'' to be the person giving more, so it's not as much of a surprise when the balance is off. Yet... that is fully my own responsibility then.
 

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I'm wondering if other ENFPs relate to this. So obviously, in the real world, relationships are rarely ever 100% perfect. There will always be obstacles and hurdles to get over and to overcome.

The problem with me is, I seem to have an extremely strong need to run when things get hard at all. When a relationship I'm in has any sort of problem, my gut reaction is to run away and block the person out of my life, even if I really love them.

It's something that has probably saved me a lot of heartache, because I'm quick to cut people out of my life, but it's also something that I don't like about myself, since I tend to overreact when people don't meet my expectations and I want to run. It's something I'm working to improve about myself, but I really would rather just run away than deal with the pain and problems of the situation that I'm dealing with at the time.

How about you other ENFPs?
How will you ever grow if you keep running away. It's like you keep delaying the inevitable. What's the point, how are you really saving heartache? You're here asking the question... so isn't it fair to say that you always have heartache anyway?
 
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