Saying "I love you" in a New Relationship

20345 Views 38 Replies 21 Participants Last post by pinkrasputin, Apr 30, 2013

nicomoon

Discussion Starter · Apr 22, 2012

Hello all!

This is my first post on PersonalityCafe, though I have been active on other personality boards. I am also a big fan of astrological signs, though I know you ISTJs don't put much stock in that.

So, my question is regarding my ISTJ boyfriend, who I have been dating for about 6 months. We are in our early 20s. As I am an INFJ, there have been some problems, but those mostly stem from the fact that it has always been a long distance relationship. I felt like I wasn't hearing enough from him when we weren't together, but recently I made it very clear to him that he needed to talk to me more, and he has stepped up his game.

I also care a lot about receiving words of affirmation, so it has been an adjustment for me to not receive them. I know, though, that when my ISTJ rearranges his schedule for me, does things he isn't interested in simply because I am, pays for things for me (since he rarely ever spends money on himself), that he cares deeply for me. He is also very kind to me, so I always find it interesting to hear the playful (but mean) sparring he does with his friends.

Basically, I'm getting to the point in the relationship where I feel like I need to shut my mouth to stop the "I love you" from falling out. I've always heard that you're supposed to wait for the guy to say it first, so not to seem overly clingy. I would do that, but I'm worried that if I do, that I'll never hear it from my ISTJ! Lately, I've been peppering conversation with the word love, in regards to things, etc, in an attempt to de-stigmatize the word a bit.

ISTJs, does the first declaration of love in a new relationship scare you? Any advice in this situation? This brings me back to when we were first dating and he assumed exclusivity, while I needed to have a talk to put labels and definitions on everything. Should I shut my mouth for a little while longer, and work on showing love in another way?

Thanks for all your help!

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Yardiff Bey

· #2 · Apr 22, 2012

Welcome to the boards, hope that we can help a bit.

I think that we're going to require a bit more information first. You say that this is a long-distance relationship. How long-distance? How much time have you *actually* spent together? Do you meet and hang out regularly (every weekend or two) or is it way more intermittent? What about talking on the phone? More information needed!

My personal thought is that unless you've spent a LOT of time around your ISTJ then you are way too early to be talking love. However, more info needed.

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nicomoon

Discussion Starter · #3 · Apr 22, 2012

I live 2-3 hours away, but we visit each other regularly. I am a nanny and live in someone else's house for the time being, so I mostly go there (though we split the costs of travel). I get a lot of time off, so many times I have gone to stay for a week with him. The longest period I've stayed with him has been 9 days. It is more likely that we won't see each other for a month, but then I will go stay for a week, than see each other twice a month for 2 weekends. It makes more financial sense, though it's hard for both of us to wait that long. He's very good about telling me he misses me.

We don't talk much on the phone, as it is long distance (living in Europe right now, so the 2-3 hours is another country), but skype often. He isn't much of a talker, so I try not to force him to talk too much. If on skype or on instant messaging, we'll normally talk for 20 min or so, every day or every other day.

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Rhee

· #4 · Apr 22, 2012

nicomoon said:
ISTJs, does the first declaration of love in a new relationship scare you? Any advice in this situation? This brings me back to when we were first dating and he assumed exclusivity, while I needed to have a talk to put labels and definitions on everything. Should I shut my mouth for a little while longer, and work on showing love in another way?

Does it scare me? No.
Does it embarrass me? Yep, enough that it makes me go mute and start to get red in the face.

My advice to you: Relax. He may or may not verbalize those words anytime soon, but he wouldn't be in this relationship if he wasn't crazy about you.

Meanwhile, if the words fall out of your mouth naturally just let 'em fall. Show your love in the way that you're most comfortable with. He's probably doing the same.

ex:

nicomoon said:
I know, though, that when my ISTJ rearranges his schedule for me, does things he isn't interested in simply because I am, pays for things for me (since he rarely ever spends money on himself), that he cares deeply for me. He is also very kind to me, so I always find it interesting to hear the playful (but mean) sparring he does with his friends.

nicomoon said:
He's very good about telling me he misses me.

Every time he tells you he misses you he's saying the "L" word.

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Flipit

· #5 · Apr 22, 2012

I'm not in a relationship, but I'm generally against using the phrase "I love you" too early. Love is so much more than just being "in love" and in a relationship with someone - it's caring naturally and conditionlessly for another person. When "I love you" is being used before a minimum level of conditionless affection has been reached, it starts losing its meaning - at least that's what I think.

I dislike the moments in movies where some characters fall in love, they get it on physically, and during this act they say "I love you". When a man sees a beautiful woman whom he's been in a relationship with for one month, and he's still madly infatuated by her, he could say "I love you so much". This is not love in its grand perspective. Once you reach a point where you can look at your mate with joy without getting carried away by your feelings or expecting anything in return for your momentary actions, you're scratching the true surface - go ahead with "I love you".
If you're just "in love", sure you'll want to show any possible kind of affection for one another - but I still think love is a very strong word to use this early.

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Yardiff Bey

· #6 · Apr 22, 2012

Flipit said:
If you're just "in love", sure you'll want to show any possible kind of affection for one another - but I still think love is a very strong word to use this early.

QFT. A year or so and I'd be thinking that the infatuation phase is over and it could be love and all.

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nicomoon

Discussion Starter · #7 · Apr 22, 2012

Yardiff Bey said:
QFT. A year or so and I'd be thinking that the infatuation phase is over and it could be love and all.

Ouch, ok. That one stung a little. Perhaps we have different definitions of love, but that is not the point. I did not come to the ISTJ board to discuss whether I felt love or infatuation. As an INFJ, if I know anything, it is my own mind. I merely came to seek counsel on how best to let my ISTJ know my feelings.

Hurt feelings aside, it's interesting to hear your input.

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nicomoon

Discussion Starter · #8 · Apr 22, 2012

Low browser speed, accidental repost.

Yardiff Bey

· #9 · Apr 22, 2012

nicomoon said:
Ouch, ok. That one stung a little. Perhaps we have different definitions of love, but that is not the point. I did not come to the ISTJ board to discuss whether I felt love or infatuation. As an INFJ, if I know anything, it is my own mind. I merely came to seek counsel on how best to let my ISTJ know my feelings.

Hurt feelings aside, it's interesting to hear your input.

Gotcha, sorry about the hurt feelings.

Hmmm...how to.

Seems you already know his love languages (qv) - reciprocate in kind?

Words can be spoken and accepted, at an exceptionally quiet and reflective and romantic moment. Your perception and judgement as to when and where would be most appropriate.

Don't be disappointed if he doesn't say anything immediately in return. He'll need time to take things in, process them, and examine his own feelings. (Us ISTJs don't handle feelings too well, takes a while to sort them out.)

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niss

· #10 · Apr 22, 2012

nicomoon said:
Ouch, ok. That one stung a little. Perhaps we have different definitions of love, but that is not the point. I did not come to the ISTJ board to discuss whether I felt love or infatuation. As an INFJ, if I know anything, it is my own mind. I merely came to seek counsel on how best to let my ISTJ know my feelings.

Hurt feelings aside, it's interesting to hear your input.

But ... it's all wrapped up together - do you see that?

To most ISTJs I've dealt with, whether IRL or on-line, we tend not to use the "L" word much. We value integrity and honesty in expressing feelings, and overuse of the word tends to make it (and whatever we've attached it to) as trite or inconsequential. Therefore, when @Yardiff Bey says it is too early to say "I love you" because you are still in the infatuation stage, not only is he likely accurate, more importantly he is expressing how ISTJs tend to think about romantic love in the bigger context of a long term relationship.

IOW, it is not a slam against you, calling you immature, or saying that you don't understand your own feelings. It is an objective look at relationships from the angle that an ISTJ tends to view them. Were I the ISTJ SO in your life, I would feel about the relationship much as Yardiff Bey has mentioned - staying engaged, but taking a slow approach to becoming 100% emotionally committed. Typically for an ISTJ, the breakdown of a romantic relationship is a violation of trust, so we are determining if we can trust you with that most vulnerable spot in the core of our being - our emotions and feelings. For once we let you in, then you are in. So we move slow and want to be doubly sure.

"Once burned, twice shy" was most likely coined by an ISTJ.

HTH

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Qadosh

· #11 · Apr 22, 2012

Niss said:
"Once burned, twice shy" was most likely coined by an ISTJ.

HTH

The Internet consensus is that the phrase traces back to an English printer (William Caxton), the first to publish a translation in to English of Aesop's tales -- in 1484.

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Yardiff Bey

· #12 · Apr 22, 2012

niss said:
"Once burned, twice shy" was most likely coined by an ISTJ.

Personally, I think that "twice" is an understatement for ISTJs. Depending upon how shy and vulnerable we are, and the nature of the burning.

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MBTI Enthusiast

· #13 · Apr 22, 2012

Qadosh said:
The Internet consensus is that the phrase traces back to an English printer (William Caxton), the first to publish a translation in to English of Aesop's tales -- in 1484.

Thank you Mr. Five. :wink:

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sarcastic stoic geek

· #14 · Apr 23, 2012

Yardiff Bey said:
Personally, I think that "twice" is an understatement for ISTJs. Depending upon how shy and vulnerable we are, and the nature of the burning.

Get burned bad enough and you'll never go back.

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PinkHippo

· #15 · Apr 23, 2012

nicomoon said:
Hello all!
I've always heard that you're supposed to wait for the guy to say it first, so not to seem overly clingy. I would do that, but I'm worried that if I do, that I'll never hear it from my ISTJ! Lately, I've been peppering conversation with the word love, in regards to things, etc, in an attempt to de-stigmatize the word a bit.

ISTJs, does the first declaration of love in a new relationship scare you? Any advice in this situation? This brings me back to when we were first dating and he assumed exclusivity, while I needed to have a talk to put labels and definitions on everything. Should I shut my mouth for a little while longer, and work on showing love in another way?

Thanks for all your help!

Welcome to the forums. :happy: One of the things that stood out to me was the bold statement above. Saying, "I Love You" doesn't necessarily mean you will seem overly clingy. Often there are other behaviors/factors that contribute to that perception. From my observation relationships that hit a rough patch because one partner is overly clingy, the "I Love You" is one straw in a stack of hay. If this is something that strongly concerns you, maybe something (gut feeling?) is telling you to hold off a bit. Just a guess.

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Doback

· #16 · Apr 23, 2012

Qadosh said:
The Internet consensus is that the phrase traces back to an English printer (William Caxton), the first to publish a translation in to English of Aesop's tales -- in 1484.

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Qadosh

· #17 · Apr 23, 2012

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Doback

· #18 · Apr 23, 2012

@Qadosh

I love you.

Too early?

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nicomoon

Discussion Starter · #19 · Apr 23, 2012

niss said:
It is an objective look at relationships from the angle that an ISTJ tends to view them. Were I the ISTJ SO in your life, I would feel about the relationship much as Yardiff Bey has mentioned - staying engaged, but taking a slow approach to becoming 100% emotionally committed. Typically for an ISTJ, the breakdown of a romantic relationship is a violation of trust, so we are determining if we can trust you with that most vulnerable spot in the core of our being - our emotions and feelings.
HTH

Thanks for the input on this, you are likely right when it would come to my ISTJ's reaction. For that reason, I think I may hold off for a while. In this relationship, the worry that he "won't say it back" is strangely absent. I'd just like him to know how I feel. But as you say, it wouldn't necessarily be something that would make him happy, so it would serve no real purpose. Though it will take some effort, I'll work on showing my love in other ways and not letting those words fall out of my mouth.

It's interesting, though, how un-ISTJ he can sometimes seem lately, in reference to his feelings. I can also be quite shy about overly romantic things; they can make me feel uncomfortable, so I generally only say things after I've thought them over for a while. It's lovely, though, to hear that he's "counting the days until he next gets to see me," as it's actually something I believe and not just a line.

PinkHippo said:
Saying, "I Love You" doesn't necessarily mean you will seem overly clingy. Often there are other behaviors/factors that contribute to that perception. From my observation relationships that hit a rough patch because one partner is overly clingy, the "I Love You" is one straw in a stack of hay. If this is something that strongly concerns you, maybe something (gut feeling?) is telling you to hold off a bit. Just a guess.

To be honest, I felt the same while writing that line.

It has more to do with advice given to me by my friends (selected advice from that crowd also includes, "Men are like dogs and children" and "Never wear your hair curly, men only like women with straight hair). So it doesn't have much to do with my relationship, fortunately. He doesn't think I'm clingy and I don't think he is. But even so, I see the sense in holding back for a little. Waiting a few months to say it won't harm the relationship, and if I end up letting myself say it sooner, then I'll just say it sooner.

Thanks, all! Your thoughts on this are invaluable. Is there anything I can help with in terms of INFJ-ISTJ relations? Anyone struggling with one of those pesky INFJ problems?

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Out0fAmmo

· #20 · Apr 23, 2012

In my case, I felt so comfortable around my SO that saying "I love you" felt natural. The "commitment" aspect of it doesn't scare me at all... in fact, I kind of like it :wink:.

For your ISTJ, I wouldn't beat around the bush too much. Let him know exactly how you feel, with no ambiguity. If you love him, say so. He should feel more comfortable expressing himself once he knows you feel the same. I don't suppose you know his Enneagram type? I'm guessing he's a 5, but I could be wrong.

The same applies for your love language, by the way: If you need Words of Affirmation, tell him. Relationships are about both parties compromising a bit and meeting in the middle. Whether or not he takes this step can potentiially speak volumes about his real level of commitment and whether he sees a future in your relationship.

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