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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
How do ISFJ's show their love?
Do they have trouble saying the words "I love you"?

*please note, I mean this all in the sense of friendship. None of this is romantic.

I have a friend who's I'm fairly sure is an ISFJ. She means a lot to me and has had a large impact on my life, and so I really do love her very much and i am incredibly grateful for her. And so I try to show her how much I appreciate her in whatever ways I can, including saying "I love you".
But the problem is, whenever I say "I love you" I just get the whole "you're so lovely. You just made my day :) xo" replies that i just don't know what to think of. She's obviously not going to say it back, and I've come to terms with that, and I don't really mind anymore. But what does worry me is WHY she won't say it back, and instead works around the statement. Is it because she really doesn't like having me around and doesn't consider me anything special? Or does she actually 'love me' when it comes down to it, but just has trouble saying those words and therefore avoids it?
She says that she will always be there for me... Well, in a 'round-a-bout sort of way. Her exact words were "I haven't ditched you yet have I? And I won't" and when I have previously questioned her about whether she actually wants me in her life and cares for me (I obviously didn't word it like that when asking her) she responded with "believe it not, but there are reasons for everything I do with you." And so both of those subtly imply to me that she does 'love me' or care for me at least a little.
But then it brings me back to the whole 'why won't she say "I love you" thing'
...I mean it's not like she's got anything to loose? Is it? -if so, please explain, because from how I see it I can't understand why she would be so afraid of saying those words to someone who clearly loves her back.

If she's not going to say it, then really, that's cool with me. I don't want to pressure her or manipulate her into saying something she doesn't mean, or feels uncomfortable about saying, as then the words wouldn't really mean anything anyway. But if there's anything I should be paying more attention to instead that is her 'way' of saying it back, if you guys could maybe point it out to me, that would mean a lot.
Because it would really mean a lot to me to know that she does love me back.

Thanks so much for your help guys!!! :)
 

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Okay PersonalityCafe directed me to an add when I was about to publish my reply, and now my response has been completely wiped. So I'll try to make this brief.

I'll answer this from my own perspective as an ISFJ! I have heard before that ISFJs like to show their love for people by helping out with menial tasks and giving them their undivided support. This is definitely true in the case of me and one of my best friends, also an ISFJ. I attend nearly all of the activities/performances that my friends participate in and I'm willing to go the extra mile when a friend needs my help in dire situations. My ISFJ friend is always willing to listen to the concerns of other people, including me, and talk it through with them.

What things does your friend do for you? What do you ask her for help with? You may find the answer to your question of "How does she say 'I love you' to me?" with this!

The whole "I'll always be there for you" thing sounds like a thing that my ISFJ friend and I say to eachother, and what I say to my other loved ones. I think it's important for my friends to know that they'll always have someone who is rooting for them, even if they don't always go to me for solving their crises. Knowing that someone out there cares about you can sometimes make a big difference!

It sounds like your friend does love you, even if she is not expressing it in the way that you would expect to see. However, if it feels like you're giving more to this friendship than she is or you feel like you're not getting enough emotional fulfillment from all of this, I would recommended reevaluating your relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Ahh that sucks! I hate it when that happens!! Thanks for still replying though!

She's always there when I need someone to talk to and she will drop whatever she's doing to talk to me and help me try and find a solution to whatever it is that is bothering me.
But then on the same token, she is a leader at our youth group, and this is one of the things she is expected to do as a leader. So it always confuses me as to whether she does these things for me out of 'duty' or because she personally really wants to help me and thats how she shows me she loves and cares. She's said before that if she really didn't want me around she would have bailed me off to one of the other leaders a long time ago. But even if someone was annoying her, I don't think she would have the guts to tell them to talk to someone else. She's too kind.

Yeah, it does make a big difference knowing she will always be there. But then sometimes I start to doubt she really means it.

Would it be a good idea to ask her? Like just straight out ask her if she does things for me out of duty as a leader because I'm one of the youth girls, or does she do it for other reasons?
As she would know the answer better than anyone else.
Or would she get offended and feel vulnerable?
 

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Well, if she seems to enjoy spending time with you, then yes, she probably appreciates you and does in fact "love" you. She just might not feel comfortable saying those three words back to you for whatever personal reason. It's pretty understandable in my opinion. They might be the kind of ISFJ to show their appreciation by doing favors, etc. as opposed to expressing it verbally all the time. I wouldn't write off her hesitation of saying "I love you" as something that has to do with you.
 

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I say "love you girl!" to my closest friends, it's reciprocated. I think it is getting past the first initial one which might be awkward, but normally that comes after some serious heart to heart discussion.
 

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How do ISFJ's show their love?
Do they have trouble saying the words "I love you"?

*please note, I mean this all in the sense of friendship. None of this is romantic.
I don't say "I love you" to anyone. Literally. In a relationship I would but definitely not for a while. Definitely have never said it to a friend. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. Idk if it's just me but yeah I have trouble saying it. I feel like it's implied with me being around still and I show it in being helpful, offering support/advice.
 
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I used to have a lot of trouble saying "I love you" to anyone (besides my dogs!). It really caught me off guard when I started hanging around people that would say it casually to me, and though I felt obligated to say it back, it felt weird. The thing about saying "I love you" to someone is it leaves you feeling vulnerable. Even now, I only really like saying it to one friend - she's an ENFP - and it's only because she's someone I truly respect and fully trust (and by that, I mean I'm willing to tell her practically anything, whereas I barely tell anything to anyone else). And when I say it to her, I don't exactly feel comfortable; I almost feel rejected for the brief moments before she says it back.

Yes, I did go off on a bit of a tangent there, but the point is, she might not have gotten to the point with you that she's willing to say it yet. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you - if she drops whatever she's doing to be there for you, that's not just out of duty; in my view, that means you're probably an important friend.

For me (I can't say it's the same for her!), if you're important, other than just saying it, I will eagerly listen to you and do every small thing for you that I can. I remember the smallest things you say and often ask you about them, like bringing you little presents, etc.

Of course, if she's your youth group leader, your relationship may not be quite the same. But her sort of avoidant statements don't imply anything negative; it's may just be kind of the way she talks. I thought it was just kind of an engineer-speaking thing, but maybe it's an ISFJ thing too.

If you just ask her, I think she would appreciate your honesty and the chance to clear up your concerns rather than having you continue wondering.
 

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To me, love is a word that is overly used. I don't like to say it back sometimes to people (aquantices) when they say it to me when I don't know them very well. Sometimes people just throw the word around and I don't feel like they really mean it. I feel like people have to earn my love and it makes me feel awkward when people (that I don't know well/am not close to) flippantly tell me they love me and I don't feel love back. ( Ex: "Thanks for the advice! Love ya girl!") If I said it back I would feel like I was lying.

When that happens I usually acknowledge it by saying something like, "Aww! That's so sweet! :)"
 
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In the past, I had no problem saying this to family, or at least if I did feel uncomfortable I didn't really notice it. These days, I get anxious when I feel like I have to say it even to my parents or something. There's a sense of vulnerability there that is what I think bothers me-- even if the other person already said it. I also have a feeling that sounds something like this: "What? I'm not allowed to say such a thing- I'm not good enough to express something like that!"
Yes, it's messed up and weird, and it's just kind of a vague feeling as opposed to those actual thoughts, but that's the sort of vibe it gives off for me.
You never know, people might just be really insecure~
 

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I am usually good with saying it to close friends, but they almost always are the first ones to say it. Once it's said, I'm in as long as it's true. We're talking the best of the best friends only.
 

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I am really cautious with my words. Although a billion things cross my mind, I only let out certain things that I feel will portray me appropriately for the image I wish to convey. I didn't swear/use foul language prior to being drunk for the first time (which was only a month ago or so) and I still have a hard time thinking it's appropriate to swear when I'm sober. "I love you" is one of those phrases that just doesn't roll off my tongue. I can say it to my mom and dad, and I can get it out to my best friend, but even with her I prefer not to say it like that. It usually turns into more of a gibberish "I wub you fwend a;ldjljkaf" type thing, especially since I'm always in a weird mood talking to her.

We mean what we say, but we don't always say what we mean. I've gotten more blunt lately, and when I'm drunk I let it all loose (I told a girl that I don't think she likes me, which is hilarious now because that was the truth and she probably forgot because she was way far gone), but I still have a hard time spitting out certain words and phrases.
 

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I dont think i would say I love you to a friend, unless they are a friend of years and dying. You either know that i care about you after a long time (because you are INFJ and you would pick up on that) or i dont care because we just met or youre annoying. I dont feel like its comfortable or appropriate for me to say it outloud. Do you by any chance have verbal as your love language?
 
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I would write it in a joking, teasing way to my friends, but I never say "I love you".

The closest would be "I'll never cheat on you". It gets amusing when I have more than one friend present and I say it to another friend right after I said it to one:laughing:
 

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Okay, first of all, ISFJs aren't really going to spend a lot of time around people they don't care about or don't love.

I can almost tell you without a doubt that her saying "I'll always be there for you" is definitely a way of saying that she loves you and cares for you. If I was her, it would be the same coming from me. Overall I think ISFJs like to show that they love someone more than saying it. There's a certain sincerity and genuineness that comes across when something is demonstrated without words, but understood. I don't say 'I love you' very much but I think the people in my life that I love, know that I love them very much. Honestly, it is a bit uncomfortable for me to say it. I express that I love people in a lot of ways aside from just saying it directly (compliments, encouragement, doing things for them, being there for them). Sounds to me like your friend wouldn't still be hanging around if she didn't love you. ISFJs don't really hang around unless they care. Just from what you've posted, it's obvious to me that she loves you!
 

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It's so hard to say "I love you". I used to say it to only my mother and brother when I was younger but as they stopped saying it, I stopped too. My friends never told me they loved me and quite frankly if they did, I would find it rather uncomfortable and it will be very hard to reply. Not that I do not care for them but just always being there for them and being in their lives would be enough for them to know that I love them.
My last SO had a problem with me not saying it though. I would always say "I love you" back but I was never first. So I had to program it in my head to say it more often because I guess some people need to hear it in order to believe it. Actions aren't just enough for some.
 

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It's extremely hard for me to say "I love you", even to my own family. If I have that much trouble saying it to them, then that means there is little to no likelihood that I'll say it to anyone else.
I just want to reiterate what everyone else had been saying that just because I don't say "I love you" doesn't mean that I don't love you. I show it through helping you, supporting you, and always being there for you. If I try to tell you "I love you", it comes out as "I'll always be there for you". To me, those phrases are equivalent.
Honestly, whenever I hear "I love you" just being thrown around in a casual manner, it makes me nauseous. I had some acquaintances in my freshman year who abused the phrase so much, that every time I heard it I resented them more. To me, this is a sacred phrase, but they just cheapened its meaning. It was clear they had no idea what it meant. It was a joke to them. Go figure, one year later all of those people are no longer friends. Were they always there for each other? Clearly, no. Was that love? Of course not. Just shallow words coming from shallow people.
Now this isn't to everyone who says it more often than others. If you really mean it when you say it to me, then I'll be extremely touched. I might not say it back, but my actions speak on my behalf.
To me, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. But that really only applies to me when it comes to expressing love. In whatever way someone wants to show they love me, than I'll appreciate it. That is, if you really mean it.
 

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The list of people I feel comfortable saying "I love you" to is limited to parents, sisters, nieces & nephews.
There are 2 other people I got those words out to one I backpedal fast and have to add (as a friend) he is of the opposite sex.
The other one I have been friends with forever, I don't see her as often as I should so can't always show my value for her through action.

There are other people I love that I show it to, I do my best to be there for them, but I would not use those words. I tend to use words like appreciate, value, be there for you. I show it by crying with them in sad times, laughing with them when humour is important, letting them into my heart and being vunerable with them.

It is not that I cant say it, its just that I feel actions speak much louder then words.
 

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Having lost someone very close to me unexpectedly, I've made it a point not to leave things unsaid to people that matter. If I love someone, they know it, friend or family. I tell them and I do little things that show them I love them too, but nothing really overboard. I don't necessarily expect anyone to return those words, and I don't really need to hear them.
 

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I usually say the word I love you but not to everyone... I say 'I love you' to my mom, dad, cats, dogs, my "Soul"sister (more than a bestfriend ) and my boyfriend. But I didn't use it with my old bestie, I use to say 'I like you a lot' but that's it.
I usually won't say it to my friends because that word is reserved to my special ones, the ones that are like a family to me :)
 
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