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:sad: friend wanted to introduce me to her friend in hopes of "something happening".

My reaction was fear, fear of it working out, fear of it not working out, fear of the relationship itself, the financial drain and what It would mean for my plan (constructing atm so keeping every expense at a minimum). :frustrating: similar reaction 2 years ago when a relationship got very serious. I got scared, I shut off emotionally and eventually bailed. When I did, I felt like a weight has lifted from me, free and alive.

:\ there is also this pressure, that I never feel good enough (so I may overcompensate in the beginning), but later I get disappointed because I think very highly of people initially (better then me).

:sad: wtf is wrong with me!? I ditched a date and have been ditching dates one after another ever since I got scared of the future and bailed.

 

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I'm in the same boat. I have friends always trying to be my wing man, but I tend to turn everyone down due to fear or whatever strange reason I think of at the time.

I've been trying to change this in myself though, and maybe having a different mindset towards it will lead you to change your views on dating (if you want to).

1. Don't let fear get the best of you.

It's understandable to be afraid, especially of something that is new to you and are afraid of how the future is going to turn out and what you're going to do with yourself once that time comes. But you will never grow as a person if you allow fear to keep you down and prevent you from experiencing new and possibly wonderful moments in your life with friends or even a significant other. You've made it this far in life, you've overcome several fears, this is just another obstacle, and you lose if you let fear win.

2. Everyone is pretty much the same.

Humanity does give pedestals to certain people (say, Oprah) and step on others (the minimum wage worker at McDonalds), but humanity doesn't know everything, and neither do you. You don't know if you're worse than someone else or not, maybe because the person you're with doesn't know you well enough to see the best qualities you have to offer, and vice versa. We all have flaws, we all have strengths. We're pretty much the same in that regard. Don't put yourself below or above anyone else. When you put yourself on an even playing field in terms of interaction, you learn the most about the other person as well as yourself.

3. Identify your fear.

I can't say for sure, but maybe you are afraid of losing a sense of freedom? Maybe you fear the future in general? Intimacy? You just don't feel a "spark" between the person you're seeing? I don't know. That's up to you to figure out. Once you've identified what is keeping you back, it is easier to overcome. (See #1)
 

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the most fun part in human earthly life is when you meet new people and fall for them. It's better than BJs. or not, i wouldn't know. why am i talking about this i usually avoid this part of the forum. i have headache now if you'll excuse me.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I'm in the same boat. I have friends always trying to be my wing man, but I tend to turn everyone down due to fear or whatever strange reason I think of at the time.

I've been trying to change this in myself though, and maybe having a different mindset towards it will lead you to change your views on dating (if you want to).

1. Don't let fear get the best of you.

It's understandable to be afraid, especially of something that is new to you and are afraid of how the future is going to turn out and what you're going to do with yourself once that time comes. But you will never grow as a person if you allow fear to keep you down and prevent you from experiencing new and possibly wonderful moments in your life with friends or even a significant other. You've made it this far in life, you've overcome several fears, this is just another obstacle, and you lose if you let fear win.

2. Everyone is pretty much the same.

Humanity does give pedestals to certain people (say, Oprah) and step on others (the minimum wage worker at McDonalds), but humanity doesn't know everything, and neither do you. You don't know if you're worse than someone else or not, maybe because the person you're with doesn't know you well enough to see the best qualities you have to offer, and vice versa. We all have flaws, we all have strengths. We're pretty much the same in that regard. Don't put yourself below or above anyone else. When you put yourself on an even playing field in terms of interaction, you learn the most about the other person as well as yourself.

3. Identify your fear.

I can't say for sure, but maybe you are afraid of losing a sense of freedom? Maybe you fear the future in general? Intimacy? You just don't feel a "spark" between the person you're seeing? I don't know. That's up to you to figure out. Once you've identified what is keeping you back, it is easier to overcome. (See #1)
:sad: UGH yeah I'm supposed to have courage here, I know. :\ I can think of tens of reasons at the same time why I shouldn't meet her, some of them quite logical, but thats just me rationalizing fear away.

I think I developed a general fear of commitment and feeling trapped in a relationship, but you are right, I'll never grow if I don't face it and push past it. I have been thinking and it seems to be influencing my relationship with mostly everything, not just intimate relationships. I really need to overcome this to grow it seems.
 

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Just stop thinking about it! Do what you want to do and focus on having as much fun as possible. This doesn't mean you have to be selfish. When you are doing what you want to do and having fun and feeling good then everything will click and you'll meet someone perfect for you as long as you love yourself.
 

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Heya :)
It's perfectly normal to feel that way,
It's a simple insecurity you'll have to try and get over,
The root cause is many a time due to lack of confidence,
Or fear of loss of independence!

So maybe find out where the insecurity stems from?

Or maybe you're simply just not ready yet :)
Relationships are not something to take on lightly!
 

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MOTM Nov 2012
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:sad: friend wanted to introduce me to her friend in hopes of "something happening".

My reaction was fear, fear of it working out, fear of it not working out, fear of the relationship itself, the financial drain and what It would mean for my plan (constructing atm so keeping every expense at a minimum). :frustrating: similar reaction 2 years ago when a relationship got very serious. I got scared, I shut off emotionally and eventually bailed. When I did, I felt like a weight has lifted from me, free and alive.

:\ there is also this pressure, that I never feel good enough (so I may overcompensate in the beginning), but later I get disappointed because I think very highly of people initially (better then me).

:sad: wtf is wrong with me!? I ditched a date and have been ditching dates one after another ever since I got scared of the future and bailed.
You couldn't be more 6 if you tried =)

Slow down, breathe. Accept that your mind jumps to figure out all the possible outcomes, especially the negative ones, however as long as you let them control you in the form of not taking opportunities, fear will win, and you'll beat yourself up over it. A cup of coffee isn't signing a mortgage together, it's just coffee and the girl may be just as fearful of outcomes, slow it down.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Heya :)
It's perfectly normal to feel that way,
It's a simple insecurity you'll have to try and get over,
The root cause is many a time due to lack of confidence,
Or fear of loss of independence!

So maybe find out where the insecurity stems from?

Or maybe you're simply just not ready yet :)
Relationships are not something to take on lightly!
Well right now I'm trying to get financially independent and secure...so one of the ways I rationalize this is that whenever I get into a relationship everything else suddenly takes a backseat and falls apart. I really do not want to mess up my very loose yet seemingly working plan of building that house. Bathroom is ready and the guest room, just need the second floor, roof and living room/work room, outside etc..

In order for me to meet her daily I'd have to travel to another city (travel alone takes 2 hours there and back), I'm working on weekdays 7:30 to 5 PM so its impossible to meet 5 days a week...on top of this I'm trying to conserve every last bit of cash I can, because I need it to build :\. The house is a good investment, I can sell it if I need to move, doesn't really lose much value over time, especially considering that the surrounding area is in development.

I'm not ready and I have no idea how to squeeze in even just a friendship with someone from another city right now. I have tried long distance before, but out of sight is out of mind with me and I seem to lose interest and affection for people who aren't directly in contact with me.

Not sure if its worth it, anxieties or not.
 

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Well right now I'm trying to get financially independent and secure...so one of the ways I rationalize this is that whenever I get into a relationship everything else suddenly takes a backseat and falls apart. I really do not want to mess up my very loose yet seemingly working plan of building that house. Bathroom is ready and the guest room, just need the second floor, roof and living room/work room, outside etc..

In order for me to meet her daily I'd have to travel to another city (travel alone takes 2 hours there and back), I'm working on weekdays 7:30 to 5 PM so its impossible to meet 5 days a week...on top of this I'm trying to conserve every last bit of cash I can, because I need it to build :\. The house is a good investment, I can sell it if I need to move, doesn't really lose much value over time, especially considering that the surrounding area is in development.

I'm not ready and I have no idea how to squeeze in even just a friendship with someone from another city right now. I have tried long distance before, but out of sight is out of mind with me and I seem to lose interest and affection for people who aren't directly in contact with me.

Not sure if its worth it, anxieties or not.

So essentially you want to keep your priorities straight,
And being in a relationship could endanger that for you?
Sounds reasonable and should work for you :)

I think what I've read from your reply,
Is that when you commit,
You commit on every level,
And you commit everything to your significant other,
But until your financially and physically secure,
You don't want to do it "half way".

It's a valid worry,
And I think it's best you not get into the relationship,
Just seems like it's coming at a wrong time!

But thats just me :)
 

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@FreeBeer, Why don't you just focus on friendships for now? - a lot less pressure and who knows?; one of them might actually lead to something else.

I myself, abhor pressure of any kind; therefore I really appreciate people who don't push me and allow things to happen (or not happen) at their own pace.
 

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I think I was the same way years ago. I missed opportunities or...wasted time worrying about what wasn't there. I also felt not good enough for other people. I thought that by meeting someone, I had to commit.

Be honest with the person you are going to meet. Tell her you are only seeking casual dating and start from there. Maybe it's better if you tell her you just want to be friends but are open for it to develop.

Come to terms with who you are, accept yourself and let people decide if they want to stay with the real you or not. Don't feel bad if they decide to not stay. I think if you meet this girl, you will at least have a new friend. :happy:
 

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@FreeBeer

I have much too much information on emotional unavailability than I care to admit.
(why? for more reasons than one).

If and when you are ready, I could recommend some good books on the subject.
A couple are specific for men, most are comprehensive.

If you're an abstract thinker ... unraveling this is actually easy. I promise. All you need is insight.
But if you are not motivated, I nor anyone else can help you.

Let me know if that is something you want.


Otherwise, bare this in mind with regards to relationships.

What you do, or don't do, communicates what you do, or don't want.

If I were in a relationship with someone who froze, and I wanted to keep the connection but my efforts of reaching out or authentically communicating(feelings) came to a halt ... I'd walk away. because it would appear that it is something they don't want(emotional connection).

I would do this because I have experience to know better. ..

If you are in this mode and someone doesn't walk away?

congratulations, you've found yourself a co-dependent relationship. Which is a safe haven for those who are emotionally unavailable. Just know, if you choose not to outgrow this, then you are signing a subconscious contract ... (example would be: you don't say anything about me being an alcoholic and I won't say anything about you being passive aggressive). so you've no room complain - down the line that is ...

I can only hope you choose to understand that 99.9% of people, in this day and age, are outgrowing some form of bullshit industrial age thinking passed on from their parents/society.

And there is no shame in being better than the sheeple too afraid to admit their human.
On the contrary, there is power/strength.

(your sig) ... fear is a cage .... fear is not a conscious choice.

you are currently out of control.
 

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:sad: friend wanted to introduce me to her friend in hopes of "something happening".

My reaction was fear, fear of it working out, fear of it not working out, fear of the relationship itself, the financial drain and what It would mean for my plan (constructing atm so keeping every expense at a minimum). :frustrating: similar reaction 2 years ago when a relationship got very serious. I got scared, I shut off emotionally and eventually bailed. When I did, I felt like a weight has lifted from me, free and alive.

:\ there is also this pressure, that I never feel good enough (so I may overcompensate in the beginning), but later I get disappointed because I think very highly of people initially (better then me).

:sad: wtf is wrong with me!? I ditched a date and have been ditching dates one after another ever since I got scared of the future and bailed.

It seems fairly clear to me that you are suffering from a general lack of compassion. Compassion is the so-called empty love, the constant love, that one should have for life, the universe, and everything.

Compassion is a grounded joy of pure existence. It surpasses ALL judgement. It can quench all judgement. Against others and against yourself. True forgiveness, true personal grace, springs from compassion.

As an exercise you can practice 'catching yourself' in an act of judgement. In a moment of fear based on some prediction for the future or comparison to the past that may or may not actually be the case. Just stop yourself halfway. Reward yourself for doing this, for attempting to learn and emerge compassion within yourself. Defer and delay judgement. Trust to fate and see what will come.

This doesn't mean you are inactive or touchy-feely foolish. If you see someone betraying you, denying their own compassion, then you point that out and affirm that you believe they can do better than that by exercising their own compassion. This is the appeal to the high road. Not wallowing in the muck of judgement and betrayal. It can work. Try it!
 

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Discussion Starter #15
@FreeBeer

I have much too much information on emotional unavailability than I care to admit.
(why? for more reasons than one).

If and when you are ready, I could recommend some good books on the subject.
A couple are specific for men, most are comprehensive.

If you're an abstract thinker ... unraveling this is actually easy. I promise. All you need is insight.
But if you are not motivated, I nor anyone else can help you.

Let me know if that is something you want.


Otherwise, bare this in mind with regards to relationships.

What you do, or don't do, communicates what you do, or don't want.

If I were in a relationship with someone who froze, and I wanted to keep the connection but my efforts of reaching out or authentically communicating(feelings) came to a halt ... I'd walk away. because it would appear that it is something they don't want(emotional connection).

I would do this because I have experience to know better. ..

If you are in this mode and someone doesn't walk away?

congratulations, you've found yourself a co-dependent relationship. Which is a safe haven for those who are emotionally unavailable. Just know, if you choose not to outgrow this, then you are signing a subconscious contract ... (example would be: you don't say anything about me being an alcoholic and I won't say anything about you being passive aggressive). so you've no room complain - down the line that is ...

I can only hope you choose to understand that 99.9% of people, in this day and age, are outgrowing some form of bullshit industrial age thinking passed on from their parents/society.

And there is no shame in being better than the sheeple too afraid to admit their human.
On the contrary, there is power/strength.

(your sig) ... fear is a cage .... fear is not a conscious choice.

you are currently out of control.
Link me them books plz. Yeah I know I have to do somethng about it, I don't want to cage myself further.

It seems fairly clear to me that you are suffering from a general lack of compassion. Compassion is the so-called empty love, the constant love, that one should have for life, the universe, and everything.

Compassion is a grounded joy of pure existence. It surpasses ALL judgement. It can quench all judgement. Against others and against yourself. True forgiveness, true personal grace, springs from compassion.

As an exercise you can practice 'catching yourself' in an act of judgement. In a moment of fear based on some prediction for the future or comparison to the past that may or may not actually be the case. Just stop yourself halfway. Reward yourself for doing this, for attempting to learn and emerge compassion within yourself. Defer and delay judgement. Trust to fate and see what will come.

This doesn't mean you are inactive or touchy-feely foolish. If you see someone betraying you, denying their own compassion, then you point that out and affirm that you believe they can do better than that by exercising their own compassion. This is the appeal to the high road. Not wallowing in the muck of judgement and betrayal. It can work. Try it!
Uh...yeah I can see this being the case too. Rough childhood, I don't really trust people enough, there is this wall and psychological distance I keep with most ppl.

I think I was the same way years ago. I missed opportunities or...wasted time worrying about what wasn't there. I also felt not good enough for other people. I thought that by meeting someone, I had to commit.

Be honest with the person you are going to meet. Tell her you are only seeking casual dating and start from there. Maybe it's better if you tell her you just want to be friends but are open for it to develop.

Come to terms with who you are, accept yourself and let people decide if they want to stay with the real you or not. Don't feel bad if they decide to not stay. I think if you meet this girl, you will at least have a new friend. :happy:
Yeah, that would be the opportunity I guess, thou idk if I can maintain a long distance friendship at this point. :p there is a reason my best friend calls me "The Lich King" -.- elusive rare spawn that wipes the raid lol. I have this bad habit of not staying in touch daily in long distance situations and then I appear one day as if nothing happened ^^ and tire people out with enthusiasm and stuff (dumb ENFP stuff).

I have to decide by next weekend, think I'll meet her and see what happens.
 
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