II. Can people even change? How do you turn over new pages?
Like how do you quit alcohol? people are like "I woke up one day and just knew, enough was enough", it's like RNG? like lootbox kind of thing? where as everyday your mind wakes up, you are hammered and you vomit, you open a lootbox, and in the lootbox there is 1 out of 1000 chance that your mind will be like click "enough is enough". And then you won!
There's actaully a subconscious work that's being done. Much like your computer, I can look at the screen and I can see an image, but there are thousands or millions of calculations going on the processor all the time.
People go to rehab, 2 weeks, they're clean, they leave, they are clean for 1 week, they relapse. "Oh, crap", back to square 1. This happens, they relapse, go back to square 1, back to square 1, back to square 1, except it's not back to square 1.
How do you change a bad habbit? everyone is like "turn over a new page man, I woke up one day and realised enough is enough, I've had enough". The question is: why couldn't you wake up yesterday and realise enough is enough?
Why couldn't I wake up 5 years and realise enough is enough?
What is going on? you wake up one day and your mind is like "yeah, I had enough" ? "I'm going to start living my life regular now".
The first thing to understand, is that our mind is subconsciouly changing, without our awareness.
We sort of understand this, kind of. You know when you are struggling to understand something and it clicks? That's an example of "I don't understand it, I don't understand it, I don't understand it" and it clicks "oh, now I get it".
But what is the process that is going on? Is it basically RNG? No. There's actually a sub-conscious work that's being done.
Much like your computer, you can look at the screen but there are a thousand or millions of processes in the background, even with the monitor off, there's like stuff going on. So your brain is the same way, your mind is the same way, there's tons of subconscious processing.
There's something that people with addictions really don't understand and it really causes problems. Some people are like "enough is enough, I'm going to be sober", they go to rehab, 2 weeks, they're clean, they leave, they're clean for 1 week, they relapse. Oh, crap, back to square 1. They go drinking for 6 months, come back "I need to get clean", "how long where you sober the last time?", "I was sober for 3 weeks, 2 of those were in rehab so I didn't have access to alcohol, so 1 week is what counts", "okay, let's give it another shot".
Go to rehab, 2 weeks, this time they are sober for 2 months. They relapse. Go drinking for 8 months, come back. So this happens, they relapse, go back to square 1, back to square 1, back to square 1, except it's not back to square 1, your brain is actually learning how to relapse less.
This is the skill.
We think about sobriety or these things with addiction in general as binary. Turn over a new page is binary. You either do it, or you don't. It's like clear progress form like A to B. The page is turned over. It's done. But it's not like that, the mind is fluid, we're going to flip that page back over, and then we're going to flip it again.
So what should you learn? you should learn the skill of flipping the page. Because right now what happens is - I flip the page once, I make progress, I'm sober for 30 days "whooho!", and then I relapse. And then I beat myself up.
Not only did I relapse, now I have to deal with the shame and the self-judgement of "I screwed it up, I had everything and I screwed it up, oh my god, I screwed it up". And then you need to drink even more. Because now there's not only addiction, but now there's the screwed up pscyhology, there is the shame that goes with that, there is the patheticness that goes with that, there is a sense of powerlessness that goes with that.
We pile up all these negative emotions because we turned over that page and it flipped over again and I am to blame. And so it makes it twice as hard.
So understand that turning the page is a skill, is a process, is not binary as in you either do it or you don't. It's you do it, you become better at it, then you relapse, then you do it again, you become better at it, then you relapse, then you do it, you become better at it. And with each new turning of the page you become better at it, your mind learns, it learns a new skill, you make progress, you get better and closer to full sobriety.
So don't have shame and self-judgement because it's part of the process. It's not a failure, it's part of the process.
So first thing you got to understand is that turning over a new page is a process. It's going to flip back over and we're going to learn how to flip it again. It's a subconscious process, it happens slowly, so there's certain things that you can do to accelerate it.
So turning over a new page is not like something that you just do, it's something that happens for a long time and then like it sort of gets done.
All we see is the people who go to gym everyday, we don't see the 4 years it took them to start going to the gym. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger said that his first contact with the gym was going to the gym, and then saying he will never go to the gym again. It wasn't until much later that he started going to the gym and be consistent at it without interruptions.
We don't see that. I mean, sure we see that, but we see it at everyone who is not at the gym. You go to the mall and there are like 1000 people who are struggling to go to the gym. But we don't realize, we don't connect those dots, so it's a subconscious process that happens slowly.
Now, there are certain things that you can do, to accelerate this process, this is the concept of stages of change & motivational interviewing.
There are people that are in 5 fundamental psychological stages.
The first is called pre-contemplative "I'm not thinking about it yet, I'm not thinking about turning over a new page, I don't new to turn over a new page, I don't want to turn over a new page", this is pre-contemplative.
In addiction is also called "denial". This person is in denial, they don't think they have a problem. They are not contemplating a change.
Second stage of change is called contemplative "Now I'm thinking about it, but I'm not ready to make a change". So there are advantages of turning over this new page, but there are also disadvantages, this is where most people trip up.
Because when we get to this sentence "I'm so miserable and I can logically improve my life easily if I could just get myself to do it". What does this person not understand? The downside of getting yourself to do it.
Because they are seeing that logically, I could get all these benefits, but what does it cost you? this is the contemplative stage.
So the contemplative stage is characterized by ambivolence.
Which means internal conflict. And so what happens is people look for solutions, but internally they're not motivated to change. This is why the self-help industry is a thing.
Why do people keep buying self-help books? because self-help books give you solutions that you're not going to engage in. So they work. They prey on the contemplative, because remember, the pre-contemplaive person doesn't have a problem. So he doesn't even need the self-help book. It's the contemplative person who is not motivated to change but wants to change, that will buy the book, that will make things easy for me. That's what you're looking for from a book, to make things easy for you.
Looking to magically remove the cost of changing. To magically remove all the sacrifices you have to give up.
So when you're contemplative you have internal conflict: there is a part of you that wants to change, there is a part of you that doesn't want to change. The problem is, all we see is "oh, my god, imagine how awesome my life would be, logically it would be so much better if I can change, if I can change, if I can change, OMG this would be great, this would be great, this would be great, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this" which doesn't work.
Or you can be like "Oh my god, if I don't do this in 3 months I'm done, oh my god I'm on thin ice right now and I need to do it, oh my god the situation is more risky right now and I really need to do it" which may give you a temporary short boost of ambition because "I don't do this in 3 months I'm done" so it's suddenly a risky situation and you feel motivated because of the urgency, because we don't like to lose things, even if its the temporary loss of decision making possibility "if I don't do that now, I will never be able to do it, so I need to get on myself and do it", this is why sales work because we feel that we lose our permanent decision making ability if we lose the sales so our freedom is cut in half and it boosts our sense of emergency and urgency, giving us motivation, but it's not sustainable. It's the fear of having your freedom limited because we don't like having our freedom limited "If I don't do this now, I will never be able to do it", which can boost you, but can only boost you for a limited amount of time, it's that sense of urgency that boosts you. The "oh my god, now the situation is dangerous, if I don't do it now I'll lose it" can give you a temporary short boost of ambition but it's not sustainable. This is why procrastinators who manage to complete everything in the last few hours manage to do it, it's that sense of emergency that boosts them. Because if they don't do it, they will have their freedom limited.
But in order to fully solve the issue from the bottom-up, instead of focusing on the positive or the sense of emergency or urgency, look of what it costs us to change.
And the truth of the matter is that the cost of changing is higher than the cost of staying the same. That's why we stay the same.
Why do people get and stay addicted to stuff? It's because "As long as I have the alcohol, I don't need to worry about my problems". It's a benefit, a plus, a benefit and plus that you lose once you give up on alcohol.
So like, now you give someone a choice:
A) Drink this, possibly you'll vomit, BUT, for the next 8 hours you won't have to worry about a damn thing in the world. Life is good.
"I don't want to worry about anything for 8 hours, I'll take the bottle", "because I won't vomit everytime".
There is a benefit to it, and people often don't see that. And that is the cost you need to pay when giving up an addiciton. Giving up on that hidden benefit you didn't know you had but were doing it for it.
So we don't think about the cost, we're stuck in this ambivolance. There's a part of us that wants to change, a part of us that doesn't want to change.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU'RE AMBIVOLENT? THINK ABOUT THE COST.
Really think about what would happen if I changed.
What would I have to give up if I changed?
This is where your mind will tell you "there's nothing, you are not giving anything up, there is no cost, there's no point, you're not getting anything from doing alcohol", of course you're getting something from doing alcohol. You would not be doing this unless you got something from it.
And the more idiotic it seems, the stronger the reinforcement is.
So we look at something like drugs addiction. Drug addiction ruins lives on a colossal scale: I'm going to get divorced, my kids are going to hate me, I'm going to burn through my life savings, I'm going to lose my job, I'm going to get HIV, I'm going to get other diseases, my teeths will fall off, I'm going to become homeless, I'm going to be assaulted, so why am I doing this? there is a benefit!
What do they have to give up if they changed? relaxation, a lot of relaxation. Why do they need relaxation? becuase their life is a mess and they need relaxation to ignore and forget the fact that their life is a mess. They don't want to deal with the demons they have in the basement, because they don't feel good when doing that.
Actually working towards improving your life doesn't feel good, it's a costly and tiring process. And they've already made a huge mess of their lives, so they already feel like they are playing with a handicap. Not to mention, they aren't even sure if they can make it right.
So when you're faced with that dielma of: experiencing negative emotions and steadily working towards actaully improving your life when you're playing with a handicap because of the mess you made in your basement and are not even sure if you can make it right in the first place, so all your efforts could be for nothing. Versus, relaxation, a lot of relaxation, to ignore and forget the fact that their life is a mess and not deal with the demons they have in the basement, because they don't feel good when doing that.
Are they willing to give up on the relaxation and accept the possibility that they are going to have to be playing with a handicap because they've made more mess in their lives than most people and have a lot of to fix and even then accept the uncertainity that there is the possibility of failure so all you're trying to do may not succeed even if you try? because that's quite the cost to take it.
Superficially, it may seen like the cost is a little relaxation in order to get yourself to work for yourself and the improvement of your future, it seems like one small decision with one clear good choice. But if the cost is so small, just having to give up on a little relaxation, why don't you do it? There is more beneath the surface, there is more beneath the iceberg, and the better you understand that iceberg, the better you get.
It's all about understanding the mechanism. If you can understand the mechanism, you can beat it.
So what people need to understand is: the more you throw your life away, think about how much the drug has to give you, think about how much that addiction has to give you in return.
In order to pay that price of losing your home, the benefit has to be greater than that. Remember we don't make trades that are bad for us. We don't make trades unless they are good for us, as human beings. So the addiction has to give you something greater in return.
So if you're stuck you really need to think about: what do I get out of being here?
And you may say "I get nothing, I'm miserable", no, you get something.
Because here is what happens: when you try to change you start paying that cost and that's why you don't follow through with the change.
Because you start paying that cost and you're like "oh, hell no!".
Because your conscious mind doesn't know the cost, or the benefit you get by not doing that, but your subconscious mind knows it. That's why you don't do it, that's why you don't feel like it despite wanting to do it, that's why it seems so easy and so logical and so much the right choice and so much in the right decision to do, but you still won't do it, in spite of that.
So, what you have to do is bring the cost or the benefit you get by not doing that to the conscious mind by doing that. Gaining a reality-check. Because when you actually do it, you start o realize the cost, you start to experience the cost, you start to actually see what it's like. That thing your subconscious mind was so afraid of, you will become aware of it now. And then, you will have a decision to make: is it worth it or not? is this worth it for the benefits or not? Maybe the addiciton of alcohol doesn't always give you something greater in return, but you percevive it as greater so you go for it.
You got to clear out all the blank spots.
When you're not doing it, it's hard to imagine the cost. Your mind will go like "it's nothing, it costs nothing, it's just that I'm lazy and I can't do it", no, you're not lazy, you're not not doing it because you're lazy, it's just that there is something there that is stopping you from doing it. A cost. A cost that you are not aware of. So you have to do it for a while, see what the cost is, and then ask yourself: am I willing to pay this cost for this benefit? is this worth it? What do I have to give up? What am I to gain from this?
Like going to the gym. What do you have to give up for that? Well, you will have to give up staying up until late, waking up later, eating unhealthy food and wasting your days doing video games. In other words, the cost is going to be that you're going to have to be a little more disciplined. Are you willing to pay that cost?
Again, you are not going to fully realize the cost until you start actually doing it and paying the price of that cost, until you start actually experiecing that cost.
Then you can see what the cost really is like, and whether it's really worth it or not. Maybe it's not really a bad cost, maybe just your mind perceived it as a bad cost and it wasn't.
Maybe this sedentary lifestyle doesn't always give you something greater in return and the cost you're going to have to pay isn't that great, you can take it, you can give up easily on that staying up until late, waking up later, eating unhealthy food and wasting your days doing video games for those long-term benefits, but you don't percevive as such so you don't go for it. You perceive the cost as greater so you don't go for it. This is why you'll need a reality-check. This is why you need to start doing it and paying that cost so you can realize what that cost is.
MAYBE THE SACRIFICE ISN'T THAT GREAT BUT YOUR MIND PERCEIVES IT AS SUCH.
Maybe you're like "it wasn't that bad". Or maybe not, and the cost was greater than the benefits, and then you still have to ask yourself: am I willing to pay that price? is this cost worth it?
Your subconscious mind knows the cost, that's why you are not doing it, but your conscious mind doesn't know the cost, and that's why you have no idea why you don't want to do it. That is why it seems logical and easy to do it, it seems like the right step, you just can't seem to get yourself to do it for some reason. You just need to do it for a little to actually realize that cost. And then decide for yourself if you are willing to pay that cost or not.
Bring it to the conscious mind and realize if the cost is worth it or not, that's how you train yourself in the skill of flipping the page. And as you flip the page, you become better and better at flipping the page because your brain trains itself to flip the page, your RPG character invests experience points in the skill of flipping the page, you learn how to flip the page and you become better, you become better at it.
This is the reason why it is always the hardest at the beginning. In any skill, including flipping the page, the beginning is always the hardest because you don't know what to do, you have 0 experience, you have 0 damage, you suck. But as you gain experience and skill points in that area, by doing it, by practice, it starts to become easier and easier. It starts to become more second nature.
It's like fighting a level 50 boss when you're level 1 versus level 10. Sure you still die at level 10, but you clearly did put up much more of a fight at level 10 than level 1. You survived longer and dealt more damage, because you have more experience and skill points.
True, you still die, you lost the game and now you flipped that page back, but now you got far more experience and are level 15 and with better stats and experience points in flipping the page, now you're going to last even longer against the Level 50 boss. Try to make the most out of your raid boss experience and you'll get even more skill points.
Sure, in most RPG games you don't get any XP if you don't beat the boss, but that's not how it works in real life, you get XP even if you lose to the boss. And the progression level is more like in Skyrim than in World of Warcraft, you gain more experience by actually doing it, you improve your one-handed swordman skill by doing one-handed swordman skill stuff rather than by investing points into one-handed swordman skill after you level up.
Wouldn't it be better if you were fighting a level 10 boss? sure, but the addiction and not going to the gym is your level 50 boss. There's no point farming mobs you can already beat. Just like in video games, you don't get much XP by that, and you stand still as a character. I suppose you can partionalize your goals to fight a much lesser boss, "I won't drink wine or wiskey, only beer" so you face a level 30 boss now, but it's equally possible and easy to fight that level 50 boss. There you get far more XP than against the level 30 boss. Whatever works best for you, the goal is to bring that cost to the conscious level.
That's what your mind says, so you have to honor that part, of the cost you have to pay. Because you don't want to pay that cost unless you know what it is.
Because turning over the new page isn't the problem, the problem is keeping the new page that way, not flipping it back, not slipping back into patterns.
So instead of people being like "oh, how do I go to the gym?", you've been to the gym hopefully once before. The question is: why did you stop?
What happened within you that caused you to stop? You stopped because you had to pay that price now. And you didn't liked it.
So after the contemplative phase, comes the planning phase. This is where people are like "okay, I really do want to change", people want to jump to one solution, where as in the planning phase we have to really think through our actions. What is the best way to change? what gives us the greatest chance for success?
SHOULD I GO TO THE GYM? SHOULD I DO CROSSFIT? SHOULD I ORDER WEIGHTS AT HOME? SHOULD I DO BODY WEIGHT EXERCISES? SHOULD I DO FITNESS STUFF ON YOUTUBE? WHAT WORKS FOR ME?
So you have to really think about whole stituation, what will set you up for success the best.
Then you give it a shot, then you go to the action phase.
The 4th cognitive stage, the action phase. If you set up your planning properly you'll make your action more likely to succed.
And then you enter maintainance & relapse which is the 5th phase.
SO YOU EITHER YOU'RE GOOD THEN. OR YOU SCREW UP AND YOU KIND OF GO BACK TO ONE OF THE EARLIER STAGES.
Like "eh, it's not for me", you're back to pre-contemplative. Or like "man, I really don't want to do that anymore, there is a part of me that wants to be healthy, but there is a part of me that doesn't", you're back to contemplative stage.
I think it's our lack of awareness of our internal conflict, which is why it feels like there is an iceberg underneath the surface when we try to change.
Because we're not aware of that iceberg, it's there, when you bring it to the surface. Through awareness.
And awareness of the cost is the first thing.
So if you're stuck, and you want to turn over a new page, the main question that you need to ask yourself is: what is the price of turning over the new page? what is it going to cost me? what do I have to give up on? can I do it? can I pay that price? am I willing to do it? Is all about awareness of the cost. The goal is to become more aware of the cost, because the more aware of the cost you are, the more willing you are to do it.
There is also the possibility of realizing "it's not as bad as it looks" or "it's not as bad as it seems". Being a difference between the actual cost of paying that price and the cost of paying that price in your mind. Being much greater in your mind than it is in reality. This is the case sometimes, in certain things, where you get to say, "oh, it wasn't that bad".
Maybe it's not really a bad cost, maybe just your mind perceived it as a bad cost and it wasn't. Maybe this current lifestyle of yours doesn't always give you something greater in return and the cost you're going to have to pay isn't that great. Like if you're playing video games, what are you going to have to give up for improving your life? a little entertainment.
But even in the events where it was that bad, you still have to ask yourself: am I willing to pay that price? is this cost worth it?
First and foremost you need to actually do it, to get a reality-check of the actual cost. Not the cost in your head, which can be greater or smaller than the actual cost. Either way, you're better off knowing the price than not knowing the price. Because then you can make your decisions objectively, much more realistically. And the best way to know that price is to actually do it for a while and see what that price is.
Realize what that cost is and start paying that cost. See what it's like, you're better of either way. Either, it's easy, and if the cost is so small, just having to give up on a little relaxation, why don't you do it? or it's hard, but at this point you have already evaulated your cost and can make a much more objective decision in terms of whether or not you are actually willing to do it. You know you're going to have to stop eating pizza and sleep at 12 PM at most if you want to go to the gym, you know you're going to need to have those 8 hours of sleep, this cost can be either hard or easy for you, you don't know, but the fact that you tried it already makes it a bit easier than it previously was, because you're building that flipping the page skill.
Maybe the addiciton of alcohol doesn't always give you something greater in return, but you percevive it as greater so you go for it. Maybe you're like "what the heck? why the heck did I even start drinking? this doesn't make any sense, because this, right now, is good". Or maybe you're like "I need more alcohol, give me more alcohol, I need more alcohol to make me forget, because if life is so crap right now, and everything is so shitty and my only shutting off solution is doing alcohol because I can't deal with reality, I have too many skeletons in my closet or demons in my basement that I need to deal with and I can't, too many dirty laundry", it needs to give you something in return, alcohol needs to give you something in return, the same is true for gambling or other types of drugs. It's an escape from reality. And if you want to get over it, you need to pay that cost of being in reality.
DO NOT LET QUESTIONS UNANSWERED, EXPLORE YOUR MIND. THINK OF ALL THE POSSIBILITIES AND THE QUESTIONS. DO NOT LET BLANK SPOTS. YOU GOT TO CLEAR OUT ALL THE BLANK SPOTS.
And your mind will jump to one answer, and you'll think "oh, that's not sufficient, that's easy price to pay", but then when you try to actually do it, you'll notice all kinds of other prices. Costs that you didn't realize.
And it's going to be small stuff too, like going to the gym means waking up at 7 AM, "holy crap", "I didn't even think about that", "I don't want to wake up at 7", "I'm not willing to wake up at 7".
Waking up at 7 AM means trying to go to bed at 10 PM which doesn't work because I can't sleep and I'm tossing and turning all night, because I'm used to stay up until late and sleep in the morning. And I could try spamming coffe in me in the morning and going outside without trying to go to sleep, so I can at least go to sleep at a more reasonable hour like 3 PM and then I'll wake up like 12 PM, which means I'll be awake and ready at 7 PM when I have to go to the gym. And then I can fix my sleep further to something like 6 PM or 8 PM, 9 PM to get a normal sleep schedule.
"But I'm not falling asleep anyway, let me just hop back in the computer, let me watch something", "it takes me 4 hours to fall asleep, screw that!", "and I'm tierd the next day, screw that too!".
So then your mind is thinking: why would I want to toss and turn for 4 hours to not go to the gym next morning because I'm too tierd? Because that's how you develop the habbit of going to the gym. You won't go to the gym today, but you will go to the gym the next day because you will develop the habbit.
SO YOU NEED TO STREAMLINE YOURSELF, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK RIGHT NOW.
That's the cost. Yeah, you got to do that again. "But I'm not even going to the gym, why would I have to pay the price of tossing and turning for 4 hours when I'm not even going to the gym?", because if you do that enough times maybe one day you'll go to the gym. "Pfft, screw that". And that's the cost. And that's why we don't change.
Why is it important to act like you're going to the gym even if you're not going to the gym? because even if you pay the cost and you don't go to the gym, you streamline yourself.
That is the cost of developing the habbit of going to the gym, constantly doing it, even if it doesn't work the first time. Even if it didn't work today, it will eventually work tomorrow because you will develop the habbit.
It's different from addiction where the cost is the pleasure, the relaxation or the lack of worries that you don't get, the escape from reality, but in principle it's similar because the cost is doing something you don't want to do so you can actually do that thing you want to do.
The cost is discipline in the case of gym, to streamline yourself, the cost is looking for ways to fix your sleep schedule and doing it, you have to pay the cost of trying to fall asleep and getting disciplined if you want to go to the gym the next day. And even if you fail, you have to pay that cost again. That's how you get disciplined with the gym, by paying the cost again and again until you make it. You have to wake up at 7 AM and be consistent in this if you want to go to the gym, and no more sleep schedule dereglation.
You know you are doing that for a good cause, subconsciosuly, but consciously, you don't want to pay the price. What do I need to do to achieve this goal? that's the cost. What do I need to give up on? that's the cost. In the case of gym is giving up on sleep schedule dereglation and having to wake up at 7 AM each day and be consistent. In the case of addiction you need to give up on the pleasure, the relaxation or the lack of worries that you get by avoiding reality. But that's how you get disciplined and train your mind, by paying the cost again and again until you make it. You play your role, pay the cost, and streamline your mind. You don't necessarily play your role, you learn, and become better at it.
Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger's case with the gym? He first went to the gym and left. Then went to the gym and left. It was only later that he went to the gym and became consistent at going to the gym, because he trained himself to go to the gym, he flipped that page fully but it wasn't before flipping back and fourth numerous times. Because remember, that flipping the page is a skill, is a process, is not binary as in you either do it or you don't.
Instead of focuing on the positive or the sense of emergency or urgency, look of what it costs us to change, to understand and internalize how does this work.
So how do you turn over a new page? Try to think a little bit about where you are on the spectrum. Is it really a problem? do you think is a problem? are you conflicted? and even after the conflict, have you really thought through the best way to turn over the new page?
Because once again we are thinking, turning over the new page is binary, how do we turn over the new page? no, there are 1000 ways to turn it over. Right? you can turn it over this way, you can turn it over that way, and they all make a difference for your likelyhood of success.
And then there's the action: you really have to plan it out. What am I going to do? when am I going to do it? where am I going to do it?
And then there's the action and then there's feedback over the action: it may not work, it may work, it may work partially. Ok, like, how do we want to change that a little bit?
"Everything is so hard", you're damn right it is.
BUT ONLY AT THE BEGINING.
The realization that everything is so hard, is a consequence of awareness.
Because our whole lives we try to forget, we try to forget our basement. And once we step into our basement, which we've been throwing crap into for a long time, it becomes clear there is a lot of mess in there and it looks overwhelming.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT IT ONLY FEELS SO HARD AT THE VERY BEGINNING.
The only reason it is so hard it's because we've left it and neglected it for a decade. That's why there's so much stuff to do.
If you feel like it feels hard, you're on the right path. You can even let it discourage you, but don't let it stop you from acting, do something. Tiny step, tiny step, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny step.
Keep taking steps. Because then what will do is will start to get easier and then you are off to the races. Then life becomes easy. And I kid you not, life can absolutely be easy. Life can be joyous, life can be easy, life can be successful, all of these things are possible if you can commit yourself to actually do it and get a reality-check of the actual cost, to become aware of the cost and work on that. And the great irony is that it turns out to be a lot easier than most people think.
Just like most things in life, once you get into it it turns out to be easier than you expected. Isn't it always a bit scary? Not always, the beginnings? sure. The beginning is always scary, when you're ignorant is always scary, when there is an unknown it's always scary. But once you know, once you have experience, once you have confidence, is there a danger? sure, but is it scary? no longer.
Because you have faith in yourself. Then, even the negative outcomes stop being scary. "But there are tragedies that are too devastating no?", they've been devastating thus far, they don't need to be going forward.
Like how do you quit alcohol? people are like "I woke up one day and just knew, enough was enough", it's like RNG? like lootbox kind of thing? where as everyday your mind wakes up, you are hammered and you vomit, you open a lootbox, and in the lootbox there is 1 out of 1000 chance that your mind will be like click "enough is enough". And then you won!
There's actaully a subconscious work that's being done. Much like your computer, I can look at the screen and I can see an image, but there are thousands or millions of calculations going on the processor all the time.
People go to rehab, 2 weeks, they're clean, they leave, they are clean for 1 week, they relapse. "Oh, crap", back to square 1. This happens, they relapse, go back to square 1, back to square 1, back to square 1, except it's not back to square 1.
How do you change a bad habbit? everyone is like "turn over a new page man, I woke up one day and realised enough is enough, I've had enough". The question is: why couldn't you wake up yesterday and realise enough is enough?
Why couldn't I wake up 5 years and realise enough is enough?
What is going on? you wake up one day and your mind is like "yeah, I had enough" ? "I'm going to start living my life regular now".
The first thing to understand, is that our mind is subconsciouly changing, without our awareness.
We sort of understand this, kind of. You know when you are struggling to understand something and it clicks? That's an example of "I don't understand it, I don't understand it, I don't understand it" and it clicks "oh, now I get it".
But what is the process that is going on? Is it basically RNG? No. There's actually a sub-conscious work that's being done.
Much like your computer, you can look at the screen but there are a thousand or millions of processes in the background, even with the monitor off, there's like stuff going on. So your brain is the same way, your mind is the same way, there's tons of subconscious processing.
There's something that people with addictions really don't understand and it really causes problems. Some people are like "enough is enough, I'm going to be sober", they go to rehab, 2 weeks, they're clean, they leave, they're clean for 1 week, they relapse. Oh, crap, back to square 1. They go drinking for 6 months, come back "I need to get clean", "how long where you sober the last time?", "I was sober for 3 weeks, 2 of those were in rehab so I didn't have access to alcohol, so 1 week is what counts", "okay, let's give it another shot".
Go to rehab, 2 weeks, this time they are sober for 2 months. They relapse. Go drinking for 8 months, come back. So this happens, they relapse, go back to square 1, back to square 1, back to square 1, except it's not back to square 1, your brain is actually learning how to relapse less.
This is the skill.
We think about sobriety or these things with addiction in general as binary. Turn over a new page is binary. You either do it, or you don't. It's like clear progress form like A to B. The page is turned over. It's done. But it's not like that, the mind is fluid, we're going to flip that page back over, and then we're going to flip it again.
So what should you learn? you should learn the skill of flipping the page. Because right now what happens is - I flip the page once, I make progress, I'm sober for 30 days "whooho!", and then I relapse. And then I beat myself up.
Not only did I relapse, now I have to deal with the shame and the self-judgement of "I screwed it up, I had everything and I screwed it up, oh my god, I screwed it up". And then you need to drink even more. Because now there's not only addiction, but now there's the screwed up pscyhology, there is the shame that goes with that, there is the patheticness that goes with that, there is a sense of powerlessness that goes with that.
We pile up all these negative emotions because we turned over that page and it flipped over again and I am to blame. And so it makes it twice as hard.
So understand that turning the page is a skill, is a process, is not binary as in you either do it or you don't. It's you do it, you become better at it, then you relapse, then you do it again, you become better at it, then you relapse, then you do it, you become better at it. And with each new turning of the page you become better at it, your mind learns, it learns a new skill, you make progress, you get better and closer to full sobriety.
So don't have shame and self-judgement because it's part of the process. It's not a failure, it's part of the process.
So first thing you got to understand is that turning over a new page is a process. It's going to flip back over and we're going to learn how to flip it again. It's a subconscious process, it happens slowly, so there's certain things that you can do to accelerate it.
So turning over a new page is not like something that you just do, it's something that happens for a long time and then like it sort of gets done.
All we see is the people who go to gym everyday, we don't see the 4 years it took them to start going to the gym. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger said that his first contact with the gym was going to the gym, and then saying he will never go to the gym again. It wasn't until much later that he started going to the gym and be consistent at it without interruptions.
We don't see that. I mean, sure we see that, but we see it at everyone who is not at the gym. You go to the mall and there are like 1000 people who are struggling to go to the gym. But we don't realize, we don't connect those dots, so it's a subconscious process that happens slowly.
Now, there are certain things that you can do, to accelerate this process, this is the concept of stages of change & motivational interviewing.
There are people that are in 5 fundamental psychological stages.
The first is called pre-contemplative "I'm not thinking about it yet, I'm not thinking about turning over a new page, I don't new to turn over a new page, I don't want to turn over a new page", this is pre-contemplative.
In addiction is also called "denial". This person is in denial, they don't think they have a problem. They are not contemplating a change.
Second stage of change is called contemplative "Now I'm thinking about it, but I'm not ready to make a change". So there are advantages of turning over this new page, but there are also disadvantages, this is where most people trip up.
Because when we get to this sentence "I'm so miserable and I can logically improve my life easily if I could just get myself to do it". What does this person not understand? The downside of getting yourself to do it.
Because they are seeing that logically, I could get all these benefits, but what does it cost you? this is the contemplative stage.
So the contemplative stage is characterized by ambivolence.
Which means internal conflict. And so what happens is people look for solutions, but internally they're not motivated to change. This is why the self-help industry is a thing.
Why do people keep buying self-help books? because self-help books give you solutions that you're not going to engage in. So they work. They prey on the contemplative, because remember, the pre-contemplaive person doesn't have a problem. So he doesn't even need the self-help book. It's the contemplative person who is not motivated to change but wants to change, that will buy the book, that will make things easy for me. That's what you're looking for from a book, to make things easy for you.
Looking to magically remove the cost of changing. To magically remove all the sacrifices you have to give up.
So when you're contemplative you have internal conflict: there is a part of you that wants to change, there is a part of you that doesn't want to change. The problem is, all we see is "oh, my god, imagine how awesome my life would be, logically it would be so much better if I can change, if I can change, if I can change, OMG this would be great, this would be great, this would be great, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this" which doesn't work.
Or you can be like "Oh my god, if I don't do this in 3 months I'm done, oh my god I'm on thin ice right now and I need to do it, oh my god the situation is more risky right now and I really need to do it" which may give you a temporary short boost of ambition because "I don't do this in 3 months I'm done" so it's suddenly a risky situation and you feel motivated because of the urgency, because we don't like to lose things, even if its the temporary loss of decision making possibility "if I don't do that now, I will never be able to do it, so I need to get on myself and do it", this is why sales work because we feel that we lose our permanent decision making ability if we lose the sales so our freedom is cut in half and it boosts our sense of emergency and urgency, giving us motivation, but it's not sustainable. It's the fear of having your freedom limited because we don't like having our freedom limited "If I don't do this now, I will never be able to do it", which can boost you, but can only boost you for a limited amount of time, it's that sense of urgency that boosts you. The "oh my god, now the situation is dangerous, if I don't do it now I'll lose it" can give you a temporary short boost of ambition but it's not sustainable. This is why procrastinators who manage to complete everything in the last few hours manage to do it, it's that sense of emergency that boosts them. Because if they don't do it, they will have their freedom limited.
But in order to fully solve the issue from the bottom-up, instead of focusing on the positive or the sense of emergency or urgency, look of what it costs us to change.
And the truth of the matter is that the cost of changing is higher than the cost of staying the same. That's why we stay the same.
Why do people get and stay addicted to stuff? It's because "As long as I have the alcohol, I don't need to worry about my problems". It's a benefit, a plus, a benefit and plus that you lose once you give up on alcohol.
So like, now you give someone a choice:
A) Drink this, possibly you'll vomit, BUT, for the next 8 hours you won't have to worry about a damn thing in the world. Life is good.
"I don't want to worry about anything for 8 hours, I'll take the bottle", "because I won't vomit everytime".
There is a benefit to it, and people often don't see that. And that is the cost you need to pay when giving up an addiciton. Giving up on that hidden benefit you didn't know you had but were doing it for it.
So we don't think about the cost, we're stuck in this ambivolance. There's a part of us that wants to change, a part of us that doesn't want to change.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU'RE AMBIVOLENT? THINK ABOUT THE COST.
Really think about what would happen if I changed.
What would I have to give up if I changed?
This is where your mind will tell you "there's nothing, you are not giving anything up, there is no cost, there's no point, you're not getting anything from doing alcohol", of course you're getting something from doing alcohol. You would not be doing this unless you got something from it.
And the more idiotic it seems, the stronger the reinforcement is.
So we look at something like drugs addiction. Drug addiction ruins lives on a colossal scale: I'm going to get divorced, my kids are going to hate me, I'm going to burn through my life savings, I'm going to lose my job, I'm going to get HIV, I'm going to get other diseases, my teeths will fall off, I'm going to become homeless, I'm going to be assaulted, so why am I doing this? there is a benefit!
What do they have to give up if they changed? relaxation, a lot of relaxation. Why do they need relaxation? becuase their life is a mess and they need relaxation to ignore and forget the fact that their life is a mess. They don't want to deal with the demons they have in the basement, because they don't feel good when doing that.
Actually working towards improving your life doesn't feel good, it's a costly and tiring process. And they've already made a huge mess of their lives, so they already feel like they are playing with a handicap. Not to mention, they aren't even sure if they can make it right.
So when you're faced with that dielma of: experiencing negative emotions and steadily working towards actaully improving your life when you're playing with a handicap because of the mess you made in your basement and are not even sure if you can make it right in the first place, so all your efforts could be for nothing. Versus, relaxation, a lot of relaxation, to ignore and forget the fact that their life is a mess and not deal with the demons they have in the basement, because they don't feel good when doing that.
Are they willing to give up on the relaxation and accept the possibility that they are going to have to be playing with a handicap because they've made more mess in their lives than most people and have a lot of to fix and even then accept the uncertainity that there is the possibility of failure so all you're trying to do may not succeed even if you try? because that's quite the cost to take it.
Superficially, it may seen like the cost is a little relaxation in order to get yourself to work for yourself and the improvement of your future, it seems like one small decision with one clear good choice. But if the cost is so small, just having to give up on a little relaxation, why don't you do it? There is more beneath the surface, there is more beneath the iceberg, and the better you understand that iceberg, the better you get.
It's all about understanding the mechanism. If you can understand the mechanism, you can beat it.
So what people need to understand is: the more you throw your life away, think about how much the drug has to give you, think about how much that addiction has to give you in return.
In order to pay that price of losing your home, the benefit has to be greater than that. Remember we don't make trades that are bad for us. We don't make trades unless they are good for us, as human beings. So the addiction has to give you something greater in return.
So if you're stuck you really need to think about: what do I get out of being here?
And you may say "I get nothing, I'm miserable", no, you get something.
Because here is what happens: when you try to change you start paying that cost and that's why you don't follow through with the change.
Because you start paying that cost and you're like "oh, hell no!".
Because your conscious mind doesn't know the cost, or the benefit you get by not doing that, but your subconscious mind knows it. That's why you don't do it, that's why you don't feel like it despite wanting to do it, that's why it seems so easy and so logical and so much the right choice and so much in the right decision to do, but you still won't do it, in spite of that.
So, what you have to do is bring the cost or the benefit you get by not doing that to the conscious mind by doing that. Gaining a reality-check. Because when you actually do it, you start o realize the cost, you start to experience the cost, you start to actually see what it's like. That thing your subconscious mind was so afraid of, you will become aware of it now. And then, you will have a decision to make: is it worth it or not? is this worth it for the benefits or not? Maybe the addiciton of alcohol doesn't always give you something greater in return, but you percevive it as greater so you go for it.
You got to clear out all the blank spots.
When you're not doing it, it's hard to imagine the cost. Your mind will go like "it's nothing, it costs nothing, it's just that I'm lazy and I can't do it", no, you're not lazy, you're not not doing it because you're lazy, it's just that there is something there that is stopping you from doing it. A cost. A cost that you are not aware of. So you have to do it for a while, see what the cost is, and then ask yourself: am I willing to pay this cost for this benefit? is this worth it? What do I have to give up? What am I to gain from this?
Like going to the gym. What do you have to give up for that? Well, you will have to give up staying up until late, waking up later, eating unhealthy food and wasting your days doing video games. In other words, the cost is going to be that you're going to have to be a little more disciplined. Are you willing to pay that cost?
Again, you are not going to fully realize the cost until you start actually doing it and paying the price of that cost, until you start actually experiecing that cost.
Then you can see what the cost really is like, and whether it's really worth it or not. Maybe it's not really a bad cost, maybe just your mind perceived it as a bad cost and it wasn't.
Maybe this sedentary lifestyle doesn't always give you something greater in return and the cost you're going to have to pay isn't that great, you can take it, you can give up easily on that staying up until late, waking up later, eating unhealthy food and wasting your days doing video games for those long-term benefits, but you don't percevive as such so you don't go for it. You perceive the cost as greater so you don't go for it. This is why you'll need a reality-check. This is why you need to start doing it and paying that cost so you can realize what that cost is.
MAYBE THE SACRIFICE ISN'T THAT GREAT BUT YOUR MIND PERCEIVES IT AS SUCH.
Maybe you're like "it wasn't that bad". Or maybe not, and the cost was greater than the benefits, and then you still have to ask yourself: am I willing to pay that price? is this cost worth it?
Your subconscious mind knows the cost, that's why you are not doing it, but your conscious mind doesn't know the cost, and that's why you have no idea why you don't want to do it. That is why it seems logical and easy to do it, it seems like the right step, you just can't seem to get yourself to do it for some reason. You just need to do it for a little to actually realize that cost. And then decide for yourself if you are willing to pay that cost or not.
Bring it to the conscious mind and realize if the cost is worth it or not, that's how you train yourself in the skill of flipping the page. And as you flip the page, you become better and better at flipping the page because your brain trains itself to flip the page, your RPG character invests experience points in the skill of flipping the page, you learn how to flip the page and you become better, you become better at it.
This is the reason why it is always the hardest at the beginning. In any skill, including flipping the page, the beginning is always the hardest because you don't know what to do, you have 0 experience, you have 0 damage, you suck. But as you gain experience and skill points in that area, by doing it, by practice, it starts to become easier and easier. It starts to become more second nature.
It's like fighting a level 50 boss when you're level 1 versus level 10. Sure you still die at level 10, but you clearly did put up much more of a fight at level 10 than level 1. You survived longer and dealt more damage, because you have more experience and skill points.
True, you still die, you lost the game and now you flipped that page back, but now you got far more experience and are level 15 and with better stats and experience points in flipping the page, now you're going to last even longer against the Level 50 boss. Try to make the most out of your raid boss experience and you'll get even more skill points.
Sure, in most RPG games you don't get any XP if you don't beat the boss, but that's not how it works in real life, you get XP even if you lose to the boss. And the progression level is more like in Skyrim than in World of Warcraft, you gain more experience by actually doing it, you improve your one-handed swordman skill by doing one-handed swordman skill stuff rather than by investing points into one-handed swordman skill after you level up.
Wouldn't it be better if you were fighting a level 10 boss? sure, but the addiction and not going to the gym is your level 50 boss. There's no point farming mobs you can already beat. Just like in video games, you don't get much XP by that, and you stand still as a character. I suppose you can partionalize your goals to fight a much lesser boss, "I won't drink wine or wiskey, only beer" so you face a level 30 boss now, but it's equally possible and easy to fight that level 50 boss. There you get far more XP than against the level 30 boss. Whatever works best for you, the goal is to bring that cost to the conscious level.
That's what your mind says, so you have to honor that part, of the cost you have to pay. Because you don't want to pay that cost unless you know what it is.
Because turning over the new page isn't the problem, the problem is keeping the new page that way, not flipping it back, not slipping back into patterns.
So instead of people being like "oh, how do I go to the gym?", you've been to the gym hopefully once before. The question is: why did you stop?
What happened within you that caused you to stop? You stopped because you had to pay that price now. And you didn't liked it.
So after the contemplative phase, comes the planning phase. This is where people are like "okay, I really do want to change", people want to jump to one solution, where as in the planning phase we have to really think through our actions. What is the best way to change? what gives us the greatest chance for success?
SHOULD I GO TO THE GYM? SHOULD I DO CROSSFIT? SHOULD I ORDER WEIGHTS AT HOME? SHOULD I DO BODY WEIGHT EXERCISES? SHOULD I DO FITNESS STUFF ON YOUTUBE? WHAT WORKS FOR ME?
So you have to really think about whole stituation, what will set you up for success the best.
Then you give it a shot, then you go to the action phase.
The 4th cognitive stage, the action phase. If you set up your planning properly you'll make your action more likely to succed.
And then you enter maintainance & relapse which is the 5th phase.
SO YOU EITHER YOU'RE GOOD THEN. OR YOU SCREW UP AND YOU KIND OF GO BACK TO ONE OF THE EARLIER STAGES.
Like "eh, it's not for me", you're back to pre-contemplative. Or like "man, I really don't want to do that anymore, there is a part of me that wants to be healthy, but there is a part of me that doesn't", you're back to contemplative stage.
I think it's our lack of awareness of our internal conflict, which is why it feels like there is an iceberg underneath the surface when we try to change.
Because we're not aware of that iceberg, it's there, when you bring it to the surface. Through awareness.
And awareness of the cost is the first thing.
So if you're stuck, and you want to turn over a new page, the main question that you need to ask yourself is: what is the price of turning over the new page? what is it going to cost me? what do I have to give up on? can I do it? can I pay that price? am I willing to do it? Is all about awareness of the cost. The goal is to become more aware of the cost, because the more aware of the cost you are, the more willing you are to do it.
There is also the possibility of realizing "it's not as bad as it looks" or "it's not as bad as it seems". Being a difference between the actual cost of paying that price and the cost of paying that price in your mind. Being much greater in your mind than it is in reality. This is the case sometimes, in certain things, where you get to say, "oh, it wasn't that bad".
Maybe it's not really a bad cost, maybe just your mind perceived it as a bad cost and it wasn't. Maybe this current lifestyle of yours doesn't always give you something greater in return and the cost you're going to have to pay isn't that great. Like if you're playing video games, what are you going to have to give up for improving your life? a little entertainment.
But even in the events where it was that bad, you still have to ask yourself: am I willing to pay that price? is this cost worth it?
First and foremost you need to actually do it, to get a reality-check of the actual cost. Not the cost in your head, which can be greater or smaller than the actual cost. Either way, you're better off knowing the price than not knowing the price. Because then you can make your decisions objectively, much more realistically. And the best way to know that price is to actually do it for a while and see what that price is.
Realize what that cost is and start paying that cost. See what it's like, you're better of either way. Either, it's easy, and if the cost is so small, just having to give up on a little relaxation, why don't you do it? or it's hard, but at this point you have already evaulated your cost and can make a much more objective decision in terms of whether or not you are actually willing to do it. You know you're going to have to stop eating pizza and sleep at 12 PM at most if you want to go to the gym, you know you're going to need to have those 8 hours of sleep, this cost can be either hard or easy for you, you don't know, but the fact that you tried it already makes it a bit easier than it previously was, because you're building that flipping the page skill.
Maybe the addiciton of alcohol doesn't always give you something greater in return, but you percevive it as greater so you go for it. Maybe you're like "what the heck? why the heck did I even start drinking? this doesn't make any sense, because this, right now, is good". Or maybe you're like "I need more alcohol, give me more alcohol, I need more alcohol to make me forget, because if life is so crap right now, and everything is so shitty and my only shutting off solution is doing alcohol because I can't deal with reality, I have too many skeletons in my closet or demons in my basement that I need to deal with and I can't, too many dirty laundry", it needs to give you something in return, alcohol needs to give you something in return, the same is true for gambling or other types of drugs. It's an escape from reality. And if you want to get over it, you need to pay that cost of being in reality.
DO NOT LET QUESTIONS UNANSWERED, EXPLORE YOUR MIND. THINK OF ALL THE POSSIBILITIES AND THE QUESTIONS. DO NOT LET BLANK SPOTS. YOU GOT TO CLEAR OUT ALL THE BLANK SPOTS.
And your mind will jump to one answer, and you'll think "oh, that's not sufficient, that's easy price to pay", but then when you try to actually do it, you'll notice all kinds of other prices. Costs that you didn't realize.
And it's going to be small stuff too, like going to the gym means waking up at 7 AM, "holy crap", "I didn't even think about that", "I don't want to wake up at 7", "I'm not willing to wake up at 7".
Waking up at 7 AM means trying to go to bed at 10 PM which doesn't work because I can't sleep and I'm tossing and turning all night, because I'm used to stay up until late and sleep in the morning. And I could try spamming coffe in me in the morning and going outside without trying to go to sleep, so I can at least go to sleep at a more reasonable hour like 3 PM and then I'll wake up like 12 PM, which means I'll be awake and ready at 7 PM when I have to go to the gym. And then I can fix my sleep further to something like 6 PM or 8 PM, 9 PM to get a normal sleep schedule.
"But I'm not falling asleep anyway, let me just hop back in the computer, let me watch something", "it takes me 4 hours to fall asleep, screw that!", "and I'm tierd the next day, screw that too!".
So then your mind is thinking: why would I want to toss and turn for 4 hours to not go to the gym next morning because I'm too tierd? Because that's how you develop the habbit of going to the gym. You won't go to the gym today, but you will go to the gym the next day because you will develop the habbit.
SO YOU NEED TO STREAMLINE YOURSELF, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK RIGHT NOW.
That's the cost. Yeah, you got to do that again. "But I'm not even going to the gym, why would I have to pay the price of tossing and turning for 4 hours when I'm not even going to the gym?", because if you do that enough times maybe one day you'll go to the gym. "Pfft, screw that". And that's the cost. And that's why we don't change.
Why is it important to act like you're going to the gym even if you're not going to the gym? because even if you pay the cost and you don't go to the gym, you streamline yourself.
That is the cost of developing the habbit of going to the gym, constantly doing it, even if it doesn't work the first time. Even if it didn't work today, it will eventually work tomorrow because you will develop the habbit.
It's different from addiction where the cost is the pleasure, the relaxation or the lack of worries that you don't get, the escape from reality, but in principle it's similar because the cost is doing something you don't want to do so you can actually do that thing you want to do.
The cost is discipline in the case of gym, to streamline yourself, the cost is looking for ways to fix your sleep schedule and doing it, you have to pay the cost of trying to fall asleep and getting disciplined if you want to go to the gym the next day. And even if you fail, you have to pay that cost again. That's how you get disciplined with the gym, by paying the cost again and again until you make it. You have to wake up at 7 AM and be consistent in this if you want to go to the gym, and no more sleep schedule dereglation.
You know you are doing that for a good cause, subconsciosuly, but consciously, you don't want to pay the price. What do I need to do to achieve this goal? that's the cost. What do I need to give up on? that's the cost. In the case of gym is giving up on sleep schedule dereglation and having to wake up at 7 AM each day and be consistent. In the case of addiction you need to give up on the pleasure, the relaxation or the lack of worries that you get by avoiding reality. But that's how you get disciplined and train your mind, by paying the cost again and again until you make it. You play your role, pay the cost, and streamline your mind. You don't necessarily play your role, you learn, and become better at it.
Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger's case with the gym? He first went to the gym and left. Then went to the gym and left. It was only later that he went to the gym and became consistent at going to the gym, because he trained himself to go to the gym, he flipped that page fully but it wasn't before flipping back and fourth numerous times. Because remember, that flipping the page is a skill, is a process, is not binary as in you either do it or you don't.
Instead of focuing on the positive or the sense of emergency or urgency, look of what it costs us to change, to understand and internalize how does this work.
So how do you turn over a new page? Try to think a little bit about where you are on the spectrum. Is it really a problem? do you think is a problem? are you conflicted? and even after the conflict, have you really thought through the best way to turn over the new page?
Because once again we are thinking, turning over the new page is binary, how do we turn over the new page? no, there are 1000 ways to turn it over. Right? you can turn it over this way, you can turn it over that way, and they all make a difference for your likelyhood of success.
And then there's the action: you really have to plan it out. What am I going to do? when am I going to do it? where am I going to do it?
And then there's the action and then there's feedback over the action: it may not work, it may work, it may work partially. Ok, like, how do we want to change that a little bit?
"Everything is so hard", you're damn right it is.
BUT ONLY AT THE BEGINING.
The realization that everything is so hard, is a consequence of awareness.
Because our whole lives we try to forget, we try to forget our basement. And once we step into our basement, which we've been throwing crap into for a long time, it becomes clear there is a lot of mess in there and it looks overwhelming.
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT IT ONLY FEELS SO HARD AT THE VERY BEGINNING.
The only reason it is so hard it's because we've left it and neglected it for a decade. That's why there's so much stuff to do.
If you feel like it feels hard, you're on the right path. You can even let it discourage you, but don't let it stop you from acting, do something. Tiny step, tiny step, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny step.
Keep taking steps. Because then what will do is will start to get easier and then you are off to the races. Then life becomes easy. And I kid you not, life can absolutely be easy. Life can be joyous, life can be easy, life can be successful, all of these things are possible if you can commit yourself to actually do it and get a reality-check of the actual cost, to become aware of the cost and work on that. And the great irony is that it turns out to be a lot easier than most people think.
Just like most things in life, once you get into it it turns out to be easier than you expected. Isn't it always a bit scary? Not always, the beginnings? sure. The beginning is always scary, when you're ignorant is always scary, when there is an unknown it's always scary. But once you know, once you have experience, once you have confidence, is there a danger? sure, but is it scary? no longer.
Because you have faith in yourself. Then, even the negative outcomes stop being scary. "But there are tragedies that are too devastating no?", they've been devastating thus far, they don't need to be going forward.