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It's been a while since I've been on PerC but life has driven me back here. I'm hoping some of you INFJs can give me some help. I was married for 12 miserable years to an INFJ. She was very controlling, uncompromising and over-sensitive to everything. She also was very sexually naïve and couldn't handle any sort of violent or tense entertainment, eg a PG film like Star Wars was off limits after 6 because she couldn't sleep afterwards.

I'm divorced now and have started communicating with an INFJ. I've noticed the typical chemistry is there, easy conversation, an intangible attraction, etc. I have a very strong instinct to be an aggressive pleaser in a relationship. I can feel it starting up again.

Having said that, as my title says, I'm scared to death of INFJs. If I had typed her earlier than I did I probably would have avoided her all together just because of the pain of my past experience.

I'm willing to be proven wrong but I'm very hesitant. Can you as a group give me some reasons why would be worth trying an INFJ relationship again.
 

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It's been a while since I've been on PerC but life has driven me back here. I'm hoping some of you INFJs can give me some help. I was married for 12 miserable years to an INFJ. She was very controlling, uncompromising and over-sensitive to everything. She also was very sexually naïve and couldn't handle any sort of violent or tense entertainment, eg a PG film like Star Wars was off limits after 6 because she couldn't sleep afterwards.

I'm divorced now and have started communicating with an INFJ. I've noticed the typical chemistry is there, easy conversation, an intangible attraction, etc. I have a very strong instinct to be an aggressive pleaser in a relationship. I can feel it starting up again.

Having said that, as my title says, I'm scared to death of INFJs. If I had typed her earlier than I did I probably would have avoided her all together just because of the pain of my past experience.

I'm willing to be proven wrong but I'm very hesitant. Can you as a group give me some reasons why would be worth trying an INFJ relationship again.
Honestly, I think just THAT INFJ was controlling. I could see INFJs being VERY controlling, but typically in their younger years. Hell, I've been told that I'm controlling in relationships, but lately, I've been told I'm quite detached. I'm also a 23 year old kid, so of course I have growing up to do.

I know a couple 35+ year old INFJs. They are incredibly loving (I think INFJs have the capacity to be EXTREMELY passionate lovers. The type that would go through the worst torture and pain for their loved ones), and are extremely appreciative of their spouses.

What I'm saying is, although INFJs, once on board, are very loving and seem like they fall in love easily, I think the reality of the matter is, they love very easily, but they fall IN love after a VERY long time. It takes A LOT of endurance and patience to finally reach that zone of "I know my INFJ is in love with me and will defy all laws of nature for me if he/she had to" zone.

So, I guess that can work in your favor. Accept this current INFJ as she is, and take things SLOWLY. Get to know each other EXTREMELY well (i.e. be comfortable taking shits in front of each other :p....just joking) before falling too deep for each other.

Easier said than done of course, but love is so rewarding because it is so confusing and transcends logic. It isn't something that can be added up linearly.

As for the sex, I know INFJ females that are lost in the bedroom, and I know INFJ females that are EXTREMELY erotic. Perhaps this may be an enneagram thing?
 

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That wasn't an INFJ you were married to. That was an INFP.

The Fi dominant Ne creative type (which is called INFP in MBTI and EII/INFj in socionics) is a supervisor type to the ENTP. This means that they can see the weakest spot of your personality and you won't be able to do anything to fully please them. They will always find something wrong with you and always nag you about things that hurt you the most. Supervision marriages tend to be miserable and you should stay away from your supervisor types in the future. There is more written about it in this article Supervision Relations Read this article putting yourself in place of supervisee and her in place of supervisor and see how it matches your experience.

The part about not being able to handle violent films was the first clue. Since INFPs are Fi dominant they are almost hypersensitive emotionally and often cannot stand any type of cruelty or violence.

If you study socionics intertype relationships, you can avoid these unpleasant matches.
 

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Even within personality types there is tremendous variety. I'd recommend you hang around the INFJ forums a little and take note of the variety of behaviors and attitudes.

Much of what you are describing sounds more like upbringing than personality type. We can be oversensitive, and we need people around us to tell us to lighten up from time to time, but I'd still say that it's worth giving the relationship a chance.
 

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There are "healthy" and "unhealthy" people in all personality types. I know if I believe in something I will stick to it. And the more I get to know people the more they see what I stand for and what I view as acceptable or not (ie your wife's disgust of violence). Everyone and anyone can be extreme.
Ive never personally been with an entp nor do I think I even know one. But I would give the girl a shot:). If there is a connection and you guys have the same morals and values and goals in life, it seems like a match to me! Just take it slow (which I think infj's like to anyways).
 

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From my very short brief experience dealing with your type, I mean this in a good way. It is most likely a bad mix.
 

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That wasn't an INFJ you were married to. That was an INFP.

The Fi dominant Ne creative type (which is called INFP in MBTI and EII/INFj in socionics) is a supervisor type to the ENTP. This means that they can see the weakest spot of your personality and you won't be able to do anything to fully please them. They will always find something wrong with you and always nag you about things that hurt you the most. Supervision marriages tend to be miserable and you should stay away from your supervisor types in the future. There is more written about it in this article Supervision Relations Read this article putting yourself in place of supervisee and her in place of supervisor and see how it matches your experience.

The part about not being able to handle violent films was the first clue. Since INFPs are Fi dominant they are almost hypersensitive emotionally and often cannot stand any type of cruelty or violence.

If you study socionics intertype relationships, you can avoid these unpleasant matches.
this. is completely and totally right on.

INFP and ENTP starts out so magical and wonderful, and falls apart so insanely badly.
 
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That wasn't an INFJ you were married to. That was an INFP.

The Fi dominant Ne creative type (which is called INFP in MBTI and EII/INFj in socionics) is a supervisor type to the ENTP. This means that they can see the weakest spot of your personality and you won't be able to do anything to fully please them. They will always find something wrong with you and always nag you about things that hurt you the most. Supervision marriages tend to be miserable and you should stay away from your supervisor types in the future. There is more written about it in this article Supervision Relations Read this article putting yourself in place of supervisee and her in place of supervisor and see how it matches your experience.

The part about not being able to handle violent films was the first clue. Since INFPs are Fi dominant they are almost hypersensitive emotionally and often cannot stand any type of cruelty or violence.

If you study socionics intertype relationships, you can avoid these unpleasant matches.
I think this can be true of INFJs too. I think INFJs have the ability to 'see into' a person's weaknesses and flaws, even when the subject goes to great lengths to hide their flaws. INFJs are that good.

I think younger or unhealthier INFJs will have trouble accepting these flaws. They have their idea of 'the perfect person' (usually tailored to the subject) and they expect the subject to be that person.

Once INFJs realize that NO ONE is perfect (not even themselves, all though, initially, they probably think they are), THAT'S when they are on their way to maturity and personal growth.
 

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I just put a post about infp / entp in the entp forum.

infj's might turtle up, but they have never been accused of being unkind.
 

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There is great variety of people with different personalities that make up the type. Life experiences and other factors play a huge part in personality development. Be mindful of what tendencies are deal breakers for you and make your needs known. I would recommend getting to know this specific individual better and perhaps discussing your worries when time is right.
 

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From my very short brief experience dealing with your type, I mean this in a good way. It is most likely a bad mix.
Depends on the person. I've met ENTPs that I thought their heads were stuck so far up their ass that I wanted nothing to do with them, and I met wonderful ENTPs that I could see as lifelong friends.

And I have the strangest suspicion that I'll probably seriously date at least one ENTP in my lifetime. I find them to be the most amazing creatures (when healthy and mature).
 

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keep in mind not all INFJs are selfish and infantile in the same way that ENTPs are not all selfish and infantile

give it a shot but try to look for warning signs while at the same time trying not to make mountains out of molehills

you got a tough task ahead of you but what the hell
 

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You're making the assumption that all INFJs are the same. Are all ENTPs the same?
If you claim your own individuality from an MBTI group, you can't logically deny someone else theirs as everyone is an individual.

Because of this, your hesitation to enter a relationship with an INFJ is not even valid, so don't worry.
 

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I'm not trying to offend anyone so pardon me, but why should we convince you to like us by type? Get to know the person, the INFJ you were married to does sound intolerable, but she was an individual. You say you wouldn't have spoken to this other person, should you have known they were an INFJ, but you say you feel something for them. Surely then that is your error, to simply ignore people based on type, even if knowing them would lead to your happiness? You can't stay away from a specific type of person because of one person. We're all individuals.

Talk to them, see how it goes. If you don't like where it's headed then leave it alone. You have to give people a chance now and then..
 

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Hmm, not totally sure if that was an INFJ you were dealing with, but a lot of that is choice too. Not all INFJs act that way. I've always made it a point to try to avoid being controlling of others. And at least so far I haven't been accused of being manipulative or unkind. Usually the opposite. One person doesn't represent an entire group accurately. But I hope things work out for you. Just be careful to judge by that person's actions and not your ex-wife's.
 

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We are all individuals. Her not standing to watch "violent" movies (though I consider Star Wars to be pretty harmless, especially the original trilogy) has nothing to do with her personality type, but probably with her upbringing. Maybe her parents kept her away from crime, thriller and action movies. I know friends of mine who are scared to death whenever someone in a movie pulls out a gun and points it at someone. It's because they never got to see anything like that at home. All the read was horse books and all they watched were romantic comedies. Whereas I already sat down next to my mother at the age of 7 and watched the movie Braveheart and my mother would read out fairytales to me, which are - at least if you read the original versions - extremely brutal and dark. But I got used to stuff like that and I'm not afraid of action and violence in movies.
I wouldn't consider myself as controlling either. As a child I behaved a little bit controlling towards my other friends, but probably because I was a little bit older and I thought that gave me the right to behave like that. But that changed after a while. I only feel like I need to take control of things when I'm surrounded by people who can't handle anything, are lazy and dumb and don't do what is good for the group. I think of certain group projects in school now, in which I at the end did all the work on my own, because the rest of my group wouldn't participate.
So, if it was me, I can imagine, that I would only take control over my partner if I felt that he can't care for himself properly. But that would put me in a situation where I act like his mother and not like his wife/girlfriend and would leave me unfulfilled after a while.
Concerning sex, I think, it's very important to communicate about that. If your partner doesn't want to try something new, that has to be respected. There are things I would consider as humiliating, which other women would enjoy very much. I don't know. Doesn't have anything to do with being an INFJ, either. But as a woman I can say, that I know some female friends who aren't really happy with being a woman - not in the way that they are intersexual, but they feel extremely disgusted of themselves whenever they have their period, which is by the way something that is also linked to the fear of violence. They are afraid of blood. They get nauseous whenever they see it. They don't like to talk about sex either, somehow they are extremely frigid. It all comes together, though I don't know they exact reasons for that, but I would suppose it's the mother's fault.
All in all, it's more of a gender issue than an INFJ thing, I think.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Thanks everyone for posting. This person does seem a little different, but as any of you who have been badly hurt in life know things that remind you of painful experiences can bring out a knee jerk reaction.
 

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That wasn't an INFJ you were married to. That was an INFP.

The Fi dominant Ne creative type (which is called INFP in MBTI and EII/INFj in socionics) is a supervisor type to the ENTP. This means that they can see the weakest spot of your personality and you won't be able to do anything to fully please them. They will always find something wrong with you and always nag you about things that hurt you the most. Supervision marriages tend to be miserable and you should stay away from your supervisor types in the future. There is more written about it in this article Supervision Relations Read this article putting yourself in place of supervisee and her in place of supervisor and see how it matches your experience.
I think this can be true of INFJs too. I think INFJs have the ability to 'see into' a person's weaknesses and flaws, even when the subject goes to great lengths to hide their flaws. INFJs are that good.

I think younger or unhealthier INFJs will have trouble accepting these flaws. They have their idea of 'the perfect person' (usually tailored to the subject) and they expect the subject to be that person.

Once INFJs realize that NO ONE is perfect (not even themselves, all though, initially, they probably think they are), THAT'S when they are on their way to maturity and personal growth.
INFJs can see ENTP's weaknesses, but they communicate them in a soft Fe form to which ENTP is receptive to and capable of learning from, because of ENTP's tertiary function is also Fe. Things turn awry when the ENTP has to spend time with INFP who is not only acutely observant of all of his ethical mistakes, but also overly sensitive and easily offended, and speaks of his offenses in terms of Fi which ENTP is unable to understand. At the same time the INFP is able to find an approach to any person, and get along with everyone, which makes ENTP feel awkward in comparison. Spending time around the INFP, the ENTP begins to feel himself as a social klutz, unwanted or undesirable, and generally a horrible person. This makes the ENTP miserable in the long term and deals severe blows to his self-esteem. ENTP then begins to fear the INFP and dread spending time together, as the OP has described. This doesn't happen with INFJ because first of all INFJ's Feeling function is only secondary i.e. INFJs are more tolerant of certain measure of insensitivity from their partners than INFPs with their dominant Fi, and secondly, because INFJ is able to constructively correct ENTP's behaviors since they speak the same Feeling language of Fe, which doesn't occur around INFP. On his side, the ENTP has a lot of trouble explaining anything to the INFP and influencing INFP's reasoning because INFP will completely ignore or even feel irritated by ENTP's Ti (Fi and Ti oppose each other). This trouble doesn't arise with the INFJ because INFJ shares ENTP's preference for Ti, which is INFJ's tertiary function.

Saying that, there are certainly unhealthy INFJs around, but ENTPs usually perceive them as equal partners. The fact that the OP said he started to fear them was the clue that he's probably dealing with an INFP, an partner on unequal footing whom he sees as detrimental or deleterious to himself. ENTPs and INFPs can be friends as long as they keep at a certain distance, but I've often seen INFPs ruin the plans and experiments of ENTPs with their strict Fi moralizing that has no tolerance for ENTP's Ti logic. That's why in socionics they are placed in position of supervisor to the ENTP. INFPs can stop ENTPs dead in their tracks.
 

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INFJs can see ENTP's weaknesses, but they communicate them in a soft Fe form to which ENTP is receptive to and capable of learning from, because of ENTP's tertiary function is also Fe. Things turn awry when the ENTP has to spend time with INFP who is not only acutely observant of all of his ethical mistakes, but also overly sensitive and easily offended, and speaks of his offenses in terms of Fi which ENTP is unable to understand. At the same time the INFP is able to find an approach to any person, and get along with everyone, which makes ENTP feel awkward in comparison. Spending a long with with the INFP, the ENTP begins to feel himself as a social klutz, unwanted or undesirable, and generally a horrible person. This makes the ENTP miserable in the long term and deals severe blows to his self-esteem. ENTP then begins to fear the INFP and dread spending time together, as the OP has described. This doesn't happen with INFJ because first of all INFJ's Feeling function is only secondary i.e. INFJs are more tolerant of certain measure of insensitivity from their partners than INFPs with their dominant Fi, and secondly, because INFJ is able to constructively correct ENTP's behaviors since they speak the same Feeling language of Fe, which doesn't occur around INFP. On his side, the ENTP has a lot of trouble explaining anything to the INFP and influencing INFP's reasoning because INFP will completely ignore or even feel irritated by ENTP's Ti (Fi and Ti oppose each other). This trouble doesn't arise with the INFJ because INFJ shares ENTP's preference for Ti, which is INFJ's tertiary function.

Saying that, there are certainly unhealthy INFJs around, but ENTPs usually perceive them as equal partners. The fact that the OP said he started to fear them was the clue that he's probably dealing with an INFP, an partner on unequal footing whom he sees as detrimental or deleterious to himself. ENTPs and INFPs can be friends as long as they keep at a certain distance, but I've often seen INFPs ruin the plans and experiments of ENTPs with their strict Fi moralizing that has no tolerance for ENTP's Ti logic. That's why in socionics they are placed in position of supervisor to the ENTP. INFPs can stop ENTPs dead in their tracks.
Those are some VERY interesting points you make. Well done!

My thing is, I would think that this would actually turn the ENTP ON to the INFP.

I've gotten to know a few ENTPs fairly deeply. Deeply than they even know. I think all but one of them got scared because of it.
 
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