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I did post this in what are you thinking about right now, but I decided to also post this here (plus some more info about the situation) because I really need advice. I am desperate for solutions to this because it is ruining everything that makes my daughter an amazing person and turning her into just a shell of herself.

I am at a loss. What do you do about bullying when it's been going on for three straight years and the school nor the police care enough to do anything about it? What can I do anymore? For three straight years she gets off the bus in tears, I have decided to walk her to school (no car, plus its quite a walk) but what.. what else can I do.

It's not even just at school anymore, they stole her bike. I got that back, they will come in the middle of the night banging on doors and windows, call the police, they don't care. I've had a ton of meetings with the school who do nothing but victim blame my daughter. It's seriously effecting her self esteem and her overall personality. I feel helpless. She can't even play outside in the yard like a normal person. I've even gone to the people who raise these kids (they don't have parents, just grandparents) and nothing. In the past two months, they stole the bike, threatened to drown her in the creek at the park during day camp, and now threatened to beat her up and try to break into my house to get her bike back (lol yeah try me kids) But seriously, this is getting so out of hand.

And to add to that, people just go "tell her to hit them." Okay, how does that solve anything? How? That solves jack shit. That just makes it even worse. The school already sees her as being the one to blame. I mean she's freaking seven years old, and she gets off the school bus and they will literally hang their heads out the window calling her a whore (and a wet back, and "stupidese" them trying to make a witty pun about her being asian.) The bus drivers are "powerless" apparently, but I just think no one wants to get involved.

I mean she's not even the same girl. At only seven years old she thinks she is stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, all those things. And now slightly insecure over her RACE? I am so upset. I could just scream. I will walk her to school tomorrow, and I will stay there with her until the bell rings, and I will walk her home. But that's still all day there without me and who knows what they will say/do next.
 

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Wow, sounds like these bullies have really crossed the line.

In elementary school, I was bullied walking to and from school for about a year. I was always confused as to what to do because my dad would say stuff like "Son, ya gotta fight back, it's the only way you'll get respect" but on the other hand, my mom would say "just ignore them and be the better person". Then they would argue with each other about who had the better solution.

In your case, though, it seems way more severe. And what a shame Andy and Barney down at the station won't help you. And I'm not sure, but I guess some kind of law has been passed with the bus drivers having to be neutral to situations. Why, back in my day (oh no, am I really starting a sentence with that? :/) the bus driver would kick the bullies off the bus and tell them to walk home/to school! I remember this bus driver with a Russian accent. He grabbed two kids by their coats and took them right off the bus for picking on someone. Dropped them off in front of the police station along the route. lol

Could be that their legal guardians are encouraging their behavior. I've seen that while growing up, parents telling their kids to "go kick that little *******'s ass, he/she deserves it!" but then acting innocent in front of other adults. What a mess.

Sorry I couldn't offer any good advice. Except that maybe you could sacrifice their souls to the Night Goat (or add fun deity here).
 

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If the school is allowing this after 3 years, I would get a video of the kids yelling things & put it on Youtube, then show it to the school superintendent & tell them it stops NOW or you'll sue the shit out of them. It's the school's responsibility to not allow this to happen. You are paying their salary with your taxes. They work for you. This happened to my niece 2 years ago. The school did nothing. The principle was a burned out, deadbeat paper pusher who should have chosen another career. Her mom was told, "Oh, they're just being kids". No, she was getting beaten up. Sometimes people only respond to either a lawsuit or having a news camera & microphone stuck in their face as they leave work. That is their wake up call, otherwise they're in a world of apathy & denial. (FWIW-Everyone in my family except me was a teacher or principle. None of them would have allowed it & my dad would have fired any teacher or bus driver who allowed bullying).
 

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1) I'd consider moving to a different neighborhood if it's at all possible.
2) See if there any Catholic schools or charter schools she can transfer to.
3) File a police report at the police station if there is any violence.
4) Document all your interactions with school officials (date, description, school action) so you can sue the school if anything happens.
5) I wouldn't let her out of my sight, especially if the bullies are boys.
6) You may want to visit the local city hall and bring up the issues there; many of them have open mic sessions where residents can voice their complaints.
7) Do the same at the school board meetings.

Good luck and I'm sorry she's going through this.
 

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I believe a lot of these are good suggestions. Having your child undergo any sort of confidence-boosting activity would also help (karate or some form of self defense comes to mind, but not actually for the self defense part; the confidence in the child is key).

I wish you the best here, and hope this gets resolved quickly.
 

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You visibly getting involved will do nothing but make it worse.

Bullies love the fear and helplessness they inspire in their victims, and Mama coming to the rescue just says she doesn't believe she can solve this, herself.

No, violence is likely not the answer - but neither is asking for help from "authority" figures.

Look... my mother is a bully - she always has been, always will be. She loves to get in people's faces and torment them. I've a sort of unique perspective on what works on them. The one thing they won't go after and torture is a victim who doesn't care. That doesn't mean a victim who stands up to them like in some kids movie. That never works. That just means that they've made an impression and they WILL seek revenge. What it means is she has to not care. Instead of some grand gesture, it has to be more like walking up to her and taking control of the situation and going "What, exactly, is your problem? No, no shut up. I'm not done yet. I'm tired of you showing up at my home and following me around. Knock it the f*** off, you hear me? NOW you can speak. Go. Make it quick, I don't have all day." like you're annoyed that they're wasting your time, and are sick of dealing with their bs. There can be absolutely no fear, no apprehension, no "but... but what if she hits me?" anywhere in her mannerisms or voice. If this girl and her little friends actually HAVE an issue, they might say something, and whatever it is, she needs to immediately belittle it and flip it around to look and sound ridiculous and idiotic. The kind of "You have got to be joking. This is not happening to me right now. THAT has been what's on your mind this whole time, and instead of using words, like a human being, you try to torment me and, what? Non-verbally send me the message? Or were you going to spell it out on my driveway in bicycle spokes? If that's the angle you were going for, chalk is a bit more easily readable. Do you HAVE nothing better to do?" and just keep going like that. Don't bring friends, that says "I'm scared, and need support." Going up to the main girl and being like "What? Spit it out. You obviously want something from me, or you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about me. What could you possibly want from me?" says I'm not scared of you and you're not getting to me, instead you're annoying me, and if you don't figure out something else to do with your time, we're going to be spending time together, and you can explain it to me in detail in the E.R, because my foot is going to be lodged in your ass.

They only do this to her because she either gets flustered when they pick on her or looks afraid. She has to figure out how either not to care what they have to say about her, or how to not show it. It makes them feel powerful. She has to show them that she's no longer afraid of them, she's annoyed by them, and that they've moved from the lurking tiger in her life to a mosquito buzzing about. Kids will continue to laugh at the kid who drops their lunch and then scampers off to cry. They'll quickly forget, if when it hits the ground and half of it skips across the floor, the same kid laughs to themselves, picks it up and continues on with their day. It's the reaction that causes the continuation of the teasing.

I know this because I was that kid. One day, I went to school, and the same girl who had tried to make my life hell for a year tried to ridicule me, and instead of breaking down in tears, I was actually annoyed about something else, and I just looked at her annoyed, looked her up and down like she was nothing, and went "Sorry, can I help you?" and she just stood there, and I went "well, if you're entirely done, I've a class to get to," and walked away after rolling my eyes. She never said another word to me because now I was untouchable. The next week, she had a new target. The next time someone tried something similar, I reacted roughly the same way, and that nipped it in the bud.

Because this has gone on for so long, she may have to keep it up for a little while, but eventually, if she continues, this girl will get the message and find someone else to torment. There might be some posturing from the other girl, sure, it's possible, but 99% of the time, it's empty, and to keep face.
 
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My little sister also deals with bullying also and shes 9.

She came home the other day in tears because someone called her a "cunt" and they also called her "fat."

She has even had kids threaten to hurt her and it not only terrifies her but it effects her self-esteem.

Her reaction to being bullied is that she shys away.

She shuts down a lot even with family because she doesn't know how to deal with even simple problems because she expects every little thing to have this huge disaster to come of it.

She has been through so much having her father beat our mother in front of her so she is petrified of a confrontation.

Its sad to see a kid hollow out from how cruel kids can be.

I was in the same school as she is and they drove me insane, but I've also realized that kids will always be mean no matter where you go.

Let her know she has a right to be angry, but you are also right about your philosophy that trying to resolve it with more violence perpetuates violence. She can talk her way through things or at least learn to deal with it without effecting her as much but let her know if she has to fight don't be afraid to.
 

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If the school is allowing this after 3 years, I would get a video of the kids yelling things & put it on Youtube, then show it to the school superintendent & tell them it stops NOW or you'll sue the shit out of them. It's the school's responsibility to not allow this to happen. You are paying their salary with your taxes. They work for you. This happened to my niece 2 years ago. The school did nothing. The principle was a burned out, deadbeat paper pusher who should have chosen another career. Her mom was told, "Oh, they're just being kids". No, she was getting beaten up. Sometimes people only respond to either a lawsuit or having a news camera & microphone stuck in their face as they leave work. That is their wake up call, otherwise they're in a world of apathy & denial. (FWIW-Everyone in my family except me was a teacher or principle. None of them would have allowed it & my dad would have fired any teacher or bus driver who allowed bullying).

I couldn't agree with this more! From what it looks like, you don't seem to be effectively handling the situation. In hard tims its like theres nothing you can do when no one will help. Fortunately I can help you help yourself. I've been a nanny for 5 years and have worked with kids who have temperment problems ranging from anger issues-adhd and I can perceive why you are failing, and how you can succeed in getting these future losers to stop pestering your daughter, and potentially experience a behavioral change.



First You need a plan.
Step 1 Get a video camera.
Step 2. Record the Brats in action. I know you're trying to avoid humiliating your daughter any further, but look at is as an investment. In this day and age, this is how wars are won.
Step 3. Show their grandparents the harsh reality of their poor parenting, and be assertive. Make sure they are hearing you loud and clear. You will not be tolerating this behavior any longer. Speak factually, as if they do understand you and validate them that they are doing the right thing by being on your side. Make sure they understand you lol. Its not like they want to raise a punk. They're not going to yell at their kids if you don't show dominance. Trust me once these kids find out you have the power to get them into deep trouble they're going to respect you and your daughter a little more. You also need to talk to the kids with their grandparents present right after. Lead the kids into understanding, allow them to explain why it is wrong to say the things they are saying, then why they are doing it, and then if its ever ok to do that. Try to understand how they think. If they don't know, explain calmly the correct answer, no matter how much you want to yell, that the answer is: "Never. Its never ok to do that," Then ask them why. This process could take a little while, but its worth it to stay calm and find out if they actually know the answers.

Keep getting them to explain why. Ask theoretical questions based on their actions. Oh yeah keep the question short and ethical. If they don't like it, too bad, tell them "You need to sit down, we're not finished talking," if they are that deranged, which I'm sure they are. Ask them why they are walking away, if they say "its stupid" Repeat last sentence again. Otherwise if they stay seated, just wait paitently for a reply each time. If the grandma/grandpa starts to talk for the child, tell them that you want to hear what _kids name_ has to say. Explain to them that you don't like what they're doing and that it is disrespectful to do that. Ask themif they know what "disrespect" means, I'm quite sure they will know the definition. Keep asking for examples, and ask them when it is ok to disrespect someone, like your daughter, because she does not want to be disrespected. Ask him if he thinks its ok to disrespect her. If he says no, explain his actions to him, say those are disrespectful things, why is it ok to do that then? He'll say I don't know or something, he might keep saying idk, then say "its not ok (calm not pissed off angry) and you need to stop because those are disrespectful things and as you just said, its not ok to disrespect people. Right?" Perhaps morals are not given the time of day in their house and this is the first time they're having a talk about right and wrong. It sounds crazy, who wouldn't teach their kids the difference between right and wrong? A LOT OF PARENTS. At the end if they give you the right answer say that you believe they understand, and ask them if this is going to be a problem again? Then wait for a no. Try to believe them, unless they're smirking, then you might have to keep going.
If you can remember this you might solve your problem and, just stay strong. When you're leaving, say
"I'd like for you to talk with __kids name__ after I leave and make sure he fully understands what we talked about here. I don't want my daughter coming home in tears again and have to do this all over again." They will not want to do it again, trust me.

I have effectively handled situations like this and its vital to ask them questions because explaining their answers helps kids learn better. Its like 1000% more effective than being yelled at or hit, its scientifically proven. Sorry if it was too long. :)
 

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The trouble is at seven years old (I presume this is how old the bullies are) the police do have their hands tied. I don't think you can be held legally accountable until a certain age.

Does the school have an anti-bullying policy? I don't know about where you live, but where I'm from, it's a legal requirement (anti-racism measures most certainly should be in place). By not doing anything to stop these children, go through it and highlight every part they've breached. Take it to them, and say if they don't take action, you'll report them. Keep going higher and higher - don't stop, not until someone listens.

I really feel bad for you. I feel twice as awful for your daughter. Here's the thing - just because someone doesn't listen, doesn't mean you should give up. Every day, go into that school and ask them 'what have you done to help my daughter?' If talking won't make them listen, persistence sure as heck will.

If that fails, just move her to another school. Just... get her out of there.

Also, may I suggest - the next time those children come to your house - you hose the little fuckers? Animals do need negative reinforcement, after all.
 
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JFC this makes me absolutely sick to my core. People don't realise how much bullying can completely ruin somebody's life, and even still affect them way further down the line.

I really don't know what to suggest... you've tried everything I would have seen as a possible alternative.

Maybe you do need to move her to a new school. That all depends on the child, though. I was bullied slightly in my first school, moved to a new one (not because of the bullying) and it got ten times worse. Make sure it's the right kind of school.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Moving is out of the question, and this is the only elementary school in the town I live in.
 

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Document everything you can so there is a specific record of this happening. Push the school with the clear documentation (video is good) and if they don't do anything, find a lawyer. It's sad you have to do this but it seems like lawyering up in a lot of cases is the only way to get things done. Moving would also work but if it's not that far away, the kids could know other kids in the different schools and they could talk and your kid could become a target of bullies at the new school.
 

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Those are damaged little kids. What about calling protective services on their grand parents and telling them your dilemma? It might mean a difference between incarceration and growing up sane.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I do appreciate all of the advice offered, moving is out of the question but documenting everything that happens is a really good idea, and it gives me something to show for all the crap that happens, the past few days have been better though. I need some time to do some more thinking, thank you so much for the advice.
 

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Have you gone to the school district administration about this? Usually, public school district administrations take this seriously. Especially with a lot of the recent suicides and violent crimes that have sprouted around these issues.

The people who run the school directly; like principles, vice principles, counselors, and some teachers...despite the fact they are providing your child education, often are not equipped with the knowledge around these issues in order understand or even know how to deal with the social travesties that happen on the "playground", so to speak. The fact is, they don't witness what is happening so in their eyes, it's a playground fight and nothing more. Often times direct family of the offenders see a different side to their children. Kids can be very two-faced...I know I was when I was growing up. I was a terror on the playground, but a sweetheart at home. It's unfortunate, but often times in these situations, you need evidence.

Send your daughter to school with a recorder that she can easily hide in her pocket. Have her record the threats as they are happening (discretely). Maybe set up a camera so you can record when they are trespassing...
 

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i would suggest a new school- maybe a different one that is close enough. Also, try boosting up her self esteem- tell her she is the best and that the bullies just have low self confidence and feel insecure (I'm not there so I can't see for myself, but chances are if they have no parents raising them they may be jealous that your daughter has you to watch over her and may be taking it out on her). Don't mention this to her, but just say how the bullies may be low in self confidence and they are just taking their insecurities out on her.
if they are being violent on the bus there may be something you can do to get them kicked off the bus- either for bullying or for another safety hazard.

Also, remember that the kids are 7. I know that some kids can be really mean at even that age, but they are still young kids, not masterminds. You are older than them, and even if you get a principle or someone they are scared of to talk to them and warn them of consequences (such as sitting out of recess and such) they may just get scared of authority and stop bothering your kid on school ground (just a thought)
 
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