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I would say I give out a fairly decent amount of advice to friends and family on a regular basis. However, I can't say that I necessarily invite those same individuals to offer me suggestions in my own life. I do try to let others help me when I can remember to not be so independent, but even then, I often reach out to them when I have already made my decision.

Example: I changed the degree I was pursuing from Business Administration to Linguistics without any consultation other than my own desire. It took a year or so for me to even explain to my parents what I wanted to do with this degree (and another year to convince them that this was something I was sold on, because I would have to take classes further away from home).

Advice for me is usually taken as a confirmation of what I have already planned to do, but I've never been in the position where I realized someone made a decision for me. Does anyone else mostly have "soundboard" confidantes in their lives, and not so many counselors?

I find it hard to articulate exactly why I'm doing something, and find it tiresome to 'sell' someone else on my decision, which is why I don't ask for input until I've gotten past the actual choices, and can just say "I chose this. What do you think?"
 

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I used to have the same problem. Exactly the same.

I've always felt, as an INFP, I understand others really well, but they don't always understand me. So, I'd give advice, because I listened very carefully, but didn't always feel like they were listening to me. If that makes any sense.

Although, I've found the following to be helpful. I now categorize people as "experts" and "non-experts." I do the same as mentioned above, but I'll take the advice of an expert (of his or her field, of which he or she is giving an opinion) even if I don't feel listened to. As long as I feel they're understanding the problem on their own terms; I'll take their advice. Unless I'm also an expert... then it's a longer process.
 

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I used to have the same problem. Exactly the same.

I've always felt, as an INFP, I understand others really well, but they don't always understand me. So, I'd give advice, because I listened very carefully, but didn't always feel like they were listening to me. If that makes any sense.

Although, I've found the following to be helpful. I now categorize people as "experts" and "non-experts." I do the same as mentioned above, but I'll take the advice of an expert (of his or her field, of which he or she is giving an opinion) even if I don't feel listened to. As long as I feel they're understanding the problem on their own terms; I'll take their advice. Unless I'm also an expert... then it's a longer process.
Hmm.. this is really helpful. I think I need to try presenting my conflicts more objectively so I can receive unbiased information in return rather than it being (incorrectly) tailored to fit what I need. My biggest issue with reaching out is that my motivations are generally missed, so maybe kicking them out of the equation entirely will help a bit. Thank you for this! :)
 

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Hmm.. this is really helpful. I think I need to try presenting my conflicts more objectively so I can receive unbiased information in return rather than it being (incorrectly) tailored to fit what I need. My biggest issue with reaching out is that my motivations are generally missed, so maybe kicking them out of the equation entirely will help a bit. Thank you for this! :)
Thank you for sharing :) If you ever need any help, so many of us on PerC are here for you :) We're all in this together :)
 

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I tend to do this fairly often as well.

I like to internally process my feelings and decisions, before speaking about it. It is a lot easier for me to comprehend the issues. So most of the time, I tend to make decisions independently and report it to my inner circle. In a way, I think I report it due to the feeling of obligation as well too. Provide something to talk about.

But I have come to realize too much of privacy can cause a problem--you forget how to state it when you need the help. And it turns into a snowball effect. I don't want to ask for advice because I am unable to seek it. Or I am unable to handle their responses, because it does not align with what I wanted to hear. In that way, I created an unnecessary trap for myself. So I think it is very important to know when you truly want to make a decision independently (you are allowed) or you want to seek help, but do not know how.

So I am practicing how to speak clearly when I do need advice, and developing a skill to say and finish all of my sentences in an orderly manner (I tend to ramble). It's kind of like a checklist. Did I state my question? Did I mention my motive? Did I give enough details? Am I ready to take criticism if it is valuable? and so on.

I find it hard to articulate exactly why I'm doing something, and find it tiresome to 'sell' someone else on my decision,
I thought it would naturally be tiresome to sell your decision if you are having trouble articulating. At least, that is how I felt. In my experience, the less articulate I felt, more turbulent I felt. I wasn't sure of my decision in front of others because I couldn't articulate it. No matter how sure I felt about it when I was alone. I think presentation skills are important when interacting with people.


Going back to your question, I do not seek advice too often, but try to recognize when I do need help.
 
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Yep. I have never asked for advice irl, never, not even from my parents. If I have a doubt or need extra input, I'm more likely to ask online to people that I know have more knowledge about the subject.

Irl, I make the decision first on my own, and then I might -might- casually tell a friend/partner/family "I've been thinking that I'm going to do X", and of course I already know that they will insert their opinion. But I'm not asking for their opinion, I'm just informing them.
I will sort of listen to their opinion only if it's someone whose judgment I trust. Like I would never trust my parents because their lives are fucked up and always have been, and I don't respect their thinking, but I have a couple of acquaintances whose judgment I trust, so I will listen and then filter what they say through my own opinion and see if it makes sense or not. But my decision is already made, and the chances of it being influenced by another person are super low.

I actually get annoyed when people in my irl ask me to give them definite advice and say that they will make a choice about their life based on my advice. I lose respect for the person. I can't respect anyone who doesn't filter advice and just does whatever others think is best for them. I have an acquaintances who does exactly this, and drives me insane to watch him make decisions based on what other people advice to him. It's a 36-y/o child in my eyes.
 

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I go through the same. There's been a gradual reduction of explaining 'The explanation' in my life, after coming to terms with that very few will understand. Even the few that understand can have a tendency to project their insecurities of your decision making onto you, when your heart is in it and theirs is not, because of that they don't see what you see. Usually it means i cant do what i need to do with them. I'm gravitating to only showing the results of my efforts, and saving the explaining. After all actions speak louder than words in a world of false promises.

Similarly, as the other user dlb said i analyze the authenticity / general competence of other peoples advice / insight and adopt it to find how it fits with the grander puzzle such as life, the more that area is satisfied the more defined my path gets. Rinse, repeat.

A big smile came on my face when i saw your avatar. That's a really accurate depiction of what its like to be INFP type 5 enneagram. It would be nice on a shirt. On the back though, because the front is too exposed. :th_wink:
 

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Discussion Starter #8
But I have come to realize too much of privacy can cause a problem--you forget how to state it when you need the help. And it turns into a snowball effect. I don't want to ask for advice because I am unable to seek it. Or I am unable to handle their responses, because it does not align with what I wanted to hear. In that way, I created an unnecessary trap for myself. So I think it is very important to know when you truly want to make a decision independently (you are allowed) or you want to seek help, but do not know how.

So I am practicing how to speak clearly when I do need advice, and developing a skill to say and finish all of my sentences in an orderly manner (I tend to ramble). It's kind of like a checklist. Did I state my question? Did I mention my motive? Did I give enough details? Am I ready to take criticism if it is valuable? and so on.
Thank you for this!

The checklist is a really great idea. I have a hard time getting my thoughts to 'translate', and I misspeak a lot (hooray for dyslexia), so maybe doing a mental outline of everything before asking for input will help me get the answers I need.
 

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Yep. I have never asked for advice irl, never, not even from my parents. If I have a doubt or need extra input, I'm more likely to ask online to people that I know have more knowledge about the subject.

Irl, I make the decision first on my own, and then I might -might- casually tell a friend/partner/family "I've been thinking that I'm going to do X", and of course I already know that they will insert their opinion. But I'm not asking for their opinion, I'm just informing them.
I will sort of listen to their opinion only if it's someone whose judgment I trust. Like I would never trust my parents because their lives are fucked up and always have been, and I don't respect their thinking, but I have a couple of acquaintances whose judgment I trust, so I will listen and then filter what they say through my own opinion and see if it makes sense or not. But my decision is already made, and the chances of it being influenced by another person are super low.

I actually get annoyed when people in my irl ask me to give them definite advice and say that they will make a choice about their life based on my advice. I lose respect for the person. I can't respect anyone who doesn't filter advice and just does whatever others think is best for them. I have an acquaintances who does exactly this, and drives me insane to watch him make decisions based on what other people advice to him. It's a 36-y/o child in my eyes.
Same here! I tell my friends all the time (after I've spent an hour counseling), 'but, it's your choice. you need to do what's best for you'. I only want to encourage, not to force!
 

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I go through the same. There's been a gradual reduction of explaining 'The explanation' in my life, after coming to terms with that very few will understand. Even the few that understand can have a tendency to project their insecurities of your decision making onto you, when your heart is in it and theirs is not, because of that they don't see what you see. Usually it means i cant do what i need to do with them. I'm gravitating to only showing the results of my efforts, and saving the explaining. After all actions speak louder than words in a world of false promises.


A big smile came on my face when i saw your avatar. That's a really accurate depiction of what its like to be INFP type 5 enneagram. It would be nice on a shirt. On the back though, because the front is too exposed. :th_wink:
Agreed. :)


Ah haha, I feel more like Donald about the world, the secrets are locked away and I want to find them! There wouldn't even be a keyhole if I were on the other side, you have to blast me down to get to the soft center. :laughing:
 

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Well, first, I definitely give advice openly. I enjoy giving it and people IRL seem to seek it from me. As for me seeking advice, well, I'm an e6 soc, and I do tend to do the "surveying" thing... asking many people a question to get a pool of responses and a sense of proportion. There are certain people I go to for certain kinds of advice, and I can decidedly say I don't yield to all the advice I'm given. What is perhaps most helpful for me though is someone who is good at picking up on the direction I'm leaning, since often I seem to already have a nascent opinion but have a hard time grasping it for whatever reason.
 

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Sometimes I don't feel like I have best friends or even friends at all because I go to a wide range of people for help or "tips", as I think of it. I suppose I also think of it in the expert/non-expert dichotomy. If someone is a non-expert, I don't talk to them about it, and they don't even know that I'm weighing a choice at all. My parents are the exception though, and I'll usually chat with my mom about it—even though she likes to offer advice to me!

I have to swallow a ton of pride if I want to ask anyone for actual advice, and even then, I take their information at arm's length, not really applying it or internalizing it until I've thought about it. I often have multiple conversations, each one taking it a step further. I tend to phrase my questions so that they include several options for someone to choose. The word "advice" has always been a revolting word to me ever since I was a kid! :laughing: "Advisory council/committee" sounds much better to my ears!
 
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I don't ask advice much because the vast majority of advice I've received is just unusable. Maybe it's a Fi thing (a lot of advice is just 'not me'). Maybe it's because I don't share much of myself with potential advice-givers. Only my wife and my therapist really know me. I did ask for a lot of advice from teachers when I was getting my teaching degree. That was valuable because in teaching it's more kinda 'here's an experience I can share so you don't have to blindly screw up in this situation', instead of 'here's precisely how you do a, b, and c'.

Can't remember the last time I've given advice either. My wife and I ask each other for advice. A couple of moves ago one of the movers asked us for relationship advice. He was about to pop his GF the question and wanted to know how to keep a relationship going strong. It was really cute.
 

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Well, a few *issues* with me about advice:

1. Let's say I have 13,000 posts. My guess is about 8 out of 13,000 are advice-giving. I usually ask for people to figure it out themselves.

2. I don't usually ask for help because I can figure things out and I want to live my own life and preferences. If someone says to me "do this... do that..." it's too much not what I want to do. It's their way, not mine. Mostly, I have a history of listening to awful, not helpful advice.
 

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Well, a few *issues* with me about advice:

1. Let's say I have 13,000 posts. My guess is about 8 out of 13,000 are advice-giving. I usually ask for people to figure it out themselves.

2. I don't usually ask for help because I can figure things out and I want to live my own life and preferences. If someone says to me "do this... do that..." it's too much not what I want to do. It's their way, not mine. Mostly, I have a history of listening to awful, not helpful advice.
The ones I'm not close to but still are fond of, I let them figure it out. For people in closer circles, I try to guide them up to a certain point, then let go of the bicycle seat and yell for them to brake! I would never want that power in someone else's life to make a decision, partially because I utterly despise when people try to do that for me.

It amazes me at how ..terrible people are at analyzing my situation in any given time. That makes no sense to me considering I can view their situation and circumstances clearly and offer just the right help. That's another reason why I don't readily accept advice. Sounds like they are reading off a Cosmopolitan article to me. :frustrating:
 
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