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Discussion Starter #1
For those who don't know me yet, I am Sei, resident butler of Personality Cafe.

I brought sushi!

So. Uhm. Hi. I hope you like Asian food.

I'm exploring the site beyond the INFJ corner, and I must say that I like ENFPs. I used to hang out a lot on an ENFP server on Discord. It takes a bit of energy for me to socialize though, and I'm older than most people there.

I'm almost 30! I want to settle down! Relying on the internet for social needs and not having a proper partner or close friends is embarrassing by now. Then there's the lack of a real career, but that's not what this is about.

I need a support system. A social safety net, if you will. I may have 4 in my tritype, but the social aspect is a deal breaker for me. I don't like being too different. I'd willingly give up on my dreams if it means being with someone I care for. I'd throw everything else away for someone to love.

But not everyone can be that person for me... I need to find a few others who I can be myself with, without having to go all out. Yes, I'm flirty and romantic but I can also be friendly and platonic. It's just that when I have only 1-3 friends I tend to love and want and need them too much. Of course they can't handle that.

I'm generally fond of these topics:
- anime and Japanese culture
- classical music
- literature (for personal and business reasons - I'm co-owner of a secondhand bookshop)
- Asian cultures (mostly Chinese and Southeast Asian, where I'm from)
- foreign languages and translations
- some odd stuff here and there

I like being sweet and cuddly, especially with the girls when they don't feel awkward with me. I prefer women to men. I don't mind intellectual discussions but I hate debates and smartasses.

Forgive me if my social skills are off. I have Asperger's syndrome and it's hard for me to read people, even online.

I'd love to chat with you and hear your suggestions and feelings!
 

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@Sei35. What a nice offer! You co-own a second-hand bookshop???? Like that's SO cool! So romantic sounding. I love going into second-hand bookstores. I'll spend hours. You ARE so cool-- all your interests. You should have mentioned that you are multi-talented in music. If I could go over to where you are living and find some ENFP girls and point you out to them, I surely would.
 
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@Tridentus I know right. Such beautiful food. I love Asian food.
@Alesha Woah there girl! No need to oversell me. Our bookstore is online and I'm not that good in any instrument.
@Ultra Violet Yay! Thanks for the welcome!
@HumanBeing What turns them on? I must know!
 

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@Sei35 If you consider ENFP energy creatures, then they like bouncing around energy, it's how they get energy (looks at Ne :laughing:) as well. In the best of cases they are expressing their values in ideas, if they can have bidirectional communication of this style, then that's powerful for them. They have slower ways to emote as well, but I wouldn't expect to see those at first. What @Alesha did was just share a bit, it's very like her. You could have simply thanked her and explained the story why it's an online store, and the history that involves your learning instruments, that would have extended the energy instead of "kill" it. I know this is weird for an Ni dom at first, because Ne extroverts what a Ni dom does inside their head, even I am not a master of this.

Regarding your question, this is my frontier as well, but i'll try answer as best as I can. In the end ENFP seem to be looking for someone they can feel connected to. That means practically unconditional love, no judging them for who they are, and being there for them no matter what. They are sensitive creatures after all, that don't like criticism against their identity, how they are doing things you can usually talk about without any trouble, but don't try to convince them *to feel different*. Their feelings are closely tied into their values, and thus their identity, Fe style attempts to change how they feel, especially when they have slowed down, and are thus a little bit more "naked" than their higher power Ne mode, is unlikely to have the desired effect. They have a nose for fakeness, so preferably just be you completely, they love the stories of different people, because it gives their Ne new ideas again.

An interesting Ni/Ne analogy that I heard once, Ni can be like a heavier stellar object that has some sort of fixed course. Ne is orbiting that stellar object and continuously moving, and feeding Ni with new ideas. Ni them slowly alters course based on the total set of ideas. What this means is you can give an Ne dom some additional sense of direction, by giving them a choice, preferably multiple, especially when making such a choice is important, but don't force it upon them. They ultimately want to be free to make their own choices, but they will appreciate you being there when are facing the seeming near infinite choices that Ne offers. Whatever their choice ends up being, assuming it isn't some terrible relationship breaking thing, don't withdraw your love, they just had a hard time and considered many different angles, and would like to feel accepted for who they are.

Almost forgot, in case it wasn't obvious, ENFP are idea creatures, so they need an intellectual as well as an emotional connection. So time to share what you've been keeping in that Ni storage of yours :wink:
 

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@HumanBeing. Well that was cool (said as an understatement from the orbiting body to the heavier stellar object). Lol. Really cool, I learned stuff there. @Sei35. I was over the top and I know you don’t mind too much and neither do I. I was trying to write quickly and usually I sensor my !!!!!S down to only 3. Lol. Also you do play instruments and I think it’s super cool.
Also, I’m still sick. I feel like I’m not quite with it.
Also you all are awesome. I love my PerC friends. (This now feels like the usual Alesha over-the-topness...but it’s pretty close to the time of night that I start giggling at everything...lol). ><
 

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@Alesha I'm afraid I've already turned into a total fangirl :laughing:, this hybrid SFP/NFP approach is a way better way to be with people, I still love the NTJ for things, don't get me wrong. I'm enjoying the greater flexibility (except those core values, lol) to be what should made sense all along, but didn't for many years of my life, and I'm afraid I've already started to use the word ramble in real life once or twice :tongue:

Although now I continuously have two people to put together (again, lol), but I suppose that is among the nicer challenges.

Which somehow reminds me of this book, totally recommended for better understanding both the masculine and feminine within humans in general (from a Jungian perspective).
@Sei35: Don't expect P-types to never diverge in a discussion, just like a i sidetracked your topic now, lol Go with the flow, may the force be with you :kitteh:
 

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@HumanBeing. Yay! and I’m giggling. By the way (I keep having to say this) but I don’t drink. I just get giggly...
 
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@HumanBeing. Yay! and I’m giggling. By the way (I keep having to say this) but I don’t drink. I just get giggly...
This reminds me of the time I laughed so hard at work that I couldn't stand upright, and people asked me what I was on, nothing, life maybe. I don't drink either, although I can let myself go occasionally consciously :tongue:
 

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@HumanBeing and @Alesha I enjoyed reading your posts, so it's okay to get sidetracked lol.

That kind of thing would throw me off sometimes. It sounds to me like you're very close. I'd probably only be that chatty with someone if we were dating. There are a number of reasons why my replies tend to be short(er). Last night I had to find a way to respond to everyone without leaving anybody out. And I had a limited amount of time to do so.

But there's a deeper reason I tend to censor myself. I've met so many people irl who just don't get me, and the few friends I got had torturous experiences with me. People with Asperger's tend to have special interests and would monologue with little regard for the other person. In friendships, we tend to "absorb" people we really like - I stuck to some people like glue and thought they were special, it's a deadly combination. I'd lost many friends this way. I've improved my social skills a lot in the last decade, so now I'm more friendly and approachable, but heavily suppressed inside. It feels very fake tbh, and if my experiences weren't so bad I might not have done that.

There's also the chance of making myself cry when I dig too deeply about a topic. Ugh.

I hope you both like spicy noodles.


Some anime music. This song is what ENFPs remind me of.
 

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@Sei35 I really can't over-sell you, but there's no need. Please just keep being you and doing whatever you want to do and meeting with whoever you want to meet with. You're so awesome....I know we are all works in progress. I know there is more to over-come, but you've gained so much wisdom. There is no way you wouldn't be accepted here in ENFP land. I just want to see what happens in your life at this point.
 

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@HumanBeing and @Alesha I enjoyed reading your posts, so it's okay to get sidetracked lol.

That kind of thing would throw me off sometimes. It sounds to me like you're very close. I'd probably only be that chatty with someone if we were dating. There are a number of reasons why my replies tend to be short(er). Last night I had to find a way to respond to everyone without leaving anybody out. And I had a limited amount of time to do so.

But there's a deeper reason I tend to censor myself. I've met so many people irl who just don't get me, and the few friends I got had torturous experiences with me. People with Asperger's tend to have special interests and would monologue with little regard for the other person. In friendships, we tend to "absorb" people we really like - I stuck to some people like glue and thought they were special, it's a deadly combination. I'd lost many friends this way. I've improved my social skills a lot in the last decade, so now I'm more friendly and approachable, but heavily suppressed inside. It feels very fake tbh, and if my experiences weren't so bad I might not have done that.

There's also the chance of making myself cry when I dig too deeply about a topic. Ugh.
Let me start by saying there is nothing wrong with crying :wink:

Even though I don't walk in your shoes, there are some things I want to say, you can kick my butt later for it :tongue:

First, suppression is pretty much always a bad approach. I've done it with emotions when I was young, until it exploded in my face. The person I am today is largely because I was able to confront this (and many other) parts of myself, and see it for what it is, and slowly be able to do something constructive with it.

Second, you're not supposed to feel fake, you're you. Why pretend to be anyone other than you? There are billions of other people out there, who can be that other person. I know this doesn't always resonate well with Fe and the drive for harmony, but this is your identity, your own personal truth at stake here. It's sad to see someone writing that they hide themselves. I'll gladly poke through that and give the real you a big :hug:

I wouldn't have immediately guessed ASD based on your writing. If you ever want to talk about people, theory of mind, cognitive empathy, free expression of emotion, how to make a trade-of between feedback/feed-forward mechanisms in communication and still retain authentic expression, how making yourself uncomfortable can make you in return comfortable, being less afraid of making mistakes, how to turn a death stare into a love stare, confronting your shadow, loving yourself, or just plain how to be weird and still get around. Just ask, it can also be via PM. I've seen my own darkness, so I'm not really shocked by "weird" questions. I might even be able to tell how a bit on how to connect with/love an ENFP, although I'm still exploring this :tongue:
 

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@Sei35:

Almost forgot, thanks for the food, my stomach is still recovering from sickness, otherwise I would have loved to have some. Food taste wise I could have easily fit into in south east Asia (compared to Europe), especially China, I've eaten local Sichuan food, which usually has interesting taste, and can be very spicy sometimes.
 

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@Alesha If you weren't married I'd be all over you, no kidding. But it seems to me that people in relationships tend to be more open. They can talk about feelings because they are in a safe place emotionally.

I have two friends on Discord, an ENFP girl and an INTJ boy (sounds very much like you and HB, right?) and they'd been so sweet with me over chat. Spoiling me, really. I had to leave because I was getting too attached and even sexually frustrated. The girl has a bf and the boy isn't interested in a relationship. Even if he was, we wouldn't make a good couple. Well, it's all my fault but that's also why I left the ENFP server. I need time to be with myself and not be too attached to people in general.
@HumanBeing My mental health condition really messes up my typology. In real life it is much harder because writing is my strong suit and not real time communication. INFJs with Asperger's tend to sound like INTJs.


My only real life relationship was with my INTJ ex-bf. He's not my type and I'm not his but we love each other and chances are, we'll end up with each other. I miss the romance and passion that comes from being in love, especially with a girl, but I don't think I'll find that irl. Like I said, I'm old, I want to settle down.

The thing about INTJs (and other Ts) is that they hurt my Fe. You could intellectualize the hell out of things I feel. When I talk to an INTJ friend, I have to turn my internal smartass alarms off lol. And not present any deep beliefs so you can't criticize anything that I hold dear.

The thing about INFPs (and other NFs) is that they're all about authenticity. With all my previous loves, they were appalled at the idea that I would give up my own dreams just to pursue them. They want me to have my own ideals and not just adopt their own. They can't accept the idea that I put people above everything else, so yes, I could live and die for someone I love.

I see myself as only a supporting role in a relationship. I want an achieving, probably extroverted partner, who I can be proud of and dote on at the end of the day. I don't see myself going for success or achievement on its own but I love helping other people out. I've mentioned that I'm my writer friend's proofreader. I can write, and my English is a lot better, but I don't write. Instead I edit someone else's writing. He's the same guy as my INTJ ex, and that's the kind of relationship we've always had. He's the dreamer, I'm the supporter.
 

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@Sei35 I wrote you a PM, which you probably know by now.... but I feel really good about my idea. =) <3
 

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@Sei35 I wrote you a PM, which you probably know by now.... but I feel really good about my idea. =) <3
Yeah, I got it. Thank you so much, dear.
I'm just too depressed right now to do anything about it.
 

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*crickets*
Oh dear. I should probably do something different to get people to come here. But after food, music and conversation, I have no idea what to do next...
@HumanBeing Being repressed or suppressed wasn't a conscious choice. It's part of adjusting to other people irl.

Update:
Was trying to get into online dating, but... They keep on asking my location. What is it about my location. If it's just a matter of finding people near me, there's no problem, I'm surrounded by people. People who are not interested in me and neither am I in them.

I went back to Discord but didn't join any big servers, so mostly DMs now.
 

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@Sei35

But what of your own story? Hypothetically speaking, if I were to look you deep in the eyes and ask you who are you? What would you tell me?

The way I look at it, if I ever find someone with whom I can truly be, I will be far more naked than merely being without clothes.
 
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