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I have a problem. I already knew this, but what I'm still working on is figuring out exactly what that is and how to stop it. I've been writing about my mother, about the horrible things she put me through as a child. I've recently become aware that she probably had a large amount of Narcissism, due to her inability to cope with what her own Narcissistic mother put her through. She also had a lot of anger about her past, and channeled much of that anger toward me as a child. Every day for as long as I can remember, I was subjected to cruelty and harsh criticism that was irrelevant to growth, or improvement, or anything beyond hate. Every day, I was told that I'm useless, that I can't do anything right, that I will never amount to anything, that the problems of everyone else in the house were somehow my fault, and that I don't deserve anything. For eighteen years, this was the norm. My brothers were bullied into going along with it, and my stepfather got caught up in her version of reality and started taking out his frustrations on me as well.

Now that I finally got out of the house, I don't even know where to start with recovering. I've been trying to forget about it, ignore all my weird quirks and just deal with things, at least until I got a job. But my subconscious is still constantly trying to attack me, as if I've done something wrong and need to be punished. I stop myself before starting tasks that I need to do because I know in my gut that I can't do it right. This isn't just a feeling - to me, it is a fact. I know for a fact that I am useless and will never accomplish anything. Why? Because that's what I've been told all my life. No matter how much I try to fight it, this is my view of reality. The only time I can manage to do things is when I feel angry, or when I feel like I'm being punished. I'm terrified of these habits, the need I feel to be punished for everything even if I do it right. It's easier to just ignore everything and spend all day doing nothing, because then someone will hopefully yell at me and I'll be in the right place again.

Beyond the lack of motivation, there are the seriously self-defeating habits that I can't seem to control. I constantly scratch at my face and my acne (and even little bumps or bug bites on my arms) until I'm covered in red blotches. I feel the need to make myself ugly on the outside because I don't feel beautiful on the inside. Even though I'm aware of this problem and keep trying to stop, it comes back easily during stress or when I'm not paying attention. I'm also an enormous perfectionist, and can be horribly mean to myself every time I do something mildly wrong or forget something. I hear voices in my head all the time screaming about how stupid and useless and pathetic I am. I've made an effort to stop any of the more noticeable ones - I stopped physically hurting myself, and I try to stop talking about myself negatively to other people. Still, I can't really hide from it. It's my upbringing - everything I've ever been told about myself from my family.

I would really appreciate any suggestions for things I can do to try to overcome this. I don't want to keep living like this. I know that I can't erase the past, but I want to become stronger so I can feel like a real person, and make something of myself.
 

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No matter how much I try to fight it, this is my view of reality. The only time I can manage to do things is when I feel angry, or when I feel like I'm being punished. I'm terrified of these habits, the need I feel to be punished for everything even if I do it right. It's easier to just ignore everything and spend all day doing nothing, because then someone will hopefully yell at me and I'll be in the right place again.
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I'm also an enormous perfectionist, and can be horribly mean to myself every time I do something mildly wrong or forget something. I hear voices in my head all the time screaming about how stupid and useless and pathetic I am. I've made an effort to stop any of the more noticeable ones - I stopped physically hurting myself, and I try to stop talking about myself negatively to other people. Still, I can't really hide from it. It's my upbringing - everything I've ever been told about myself from my family.
You'll need to spend time changing your view of reality then and persuade yourself what what your family told you is not true. Going to take time, but you'll make it there. If you cannot afford professional counseling I would recommend going to the bookstore and reading books on child/family abuse and recovery as well as on anything related to improving self-esteem. May be look up AvPD as sometimes people develop this disorder being subjected to a lot of criticism in their childhood. Some of the symptoms of AvPD are severe low self-esteem, constantly feeling inferior to others, being highly self-critical to the point of beating yourself up over small mistakes.

Beyond the lack of motivation, there are the seriously self-defeating habits that I can't seem to control. I constantly scratch at my face and my acne (and even little bumps or bug bites on my arms) until I'm covered in red blotches. I feel the need to make myself ugly on the outside because I don't feel beautiful on the inside. Even though I'm aware of this problem and keep trying to stop, it comes back easily during stress or when I'm not paying attention.
That sounds like OCD tendencies triggered by anxiety. I'm not sure how this gets treated. This sort of stuff seems to be common. One of my friends used to pick her nails until they would bleed. Pain and sores did not stop her. There is also something called Dermatillomania, which is obsessive skin picking, which is classed in the same group of disorders as OCD. I assume it gets treated by trying to reduce the anxiety that causes it in the first place. So you're probably replaying some thoughts in your mind that brings up high levels of anxiety for you and then it triggers you to pick your skin. Once you manage to get rid of those thoughts or at least lighten them up a little, then the need for anxiety reducing behavior will decrease. You may also want to try meditation.
 

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You need therapy. Working through this yourself will take forever.
 

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You'll need to spend time changing your view of reality then and persuade yourself what what your family told you is not true. Going to take time, but you'll make it there. If you cannot afford professional counseling I would recommend going to the bookstore and reading books on child/family abuse and recovery as well as on anything related to improving self-esteem. May be look up AvPD as sometimes people develop this disorder being subjected to a lot of criticism in their childhood. Some of the symptoms of AvPD are severe low self-esteem, constantly feeling inferior to others, being highly self-critical to the point of beating yourself up over small mistakes.


That sounds like OCD tendencies triggered by anxiety. I'm not sure how this gets treated. This sort of stuff seems to be common. One of my friends used to pick her nails until they would bleed. Pain and sores did not stop her. There is also something called Dermatillomania, which is obsessive skin picking, which is classed in the same group of disorders as OCD. I assume it gets treated by trying to reduce the anxiety that causes it in the first place. So you're probably replaying some thoughts in your mind that brings up high levels of anxiety for you and then it triggers you to pick your skin. Once you manage to get rid of those thoughts or at least lighten them up a little, then the need for anxiety reducing behavior will decrease. You may also want to try meditation.
Thank you very much. This is very helpful information, and I will definitely look into it. I am trying of course to work with myself and realize my own worth, but I want to be sure that I am completely on the right track. After all, fixing one's own problems can often lead to the exact opposite result.

You need therapy. Working through this yourself will take forever.
It's probably true, I should be in therapy for a long time. I've had therapists before, though, and they were all pretty useless. I made no more progress than I normally would on my own, usually less because I had to waste precious time and money getting out there every week and then dealing with the therapist's immature reactions. For some reason, none of them knew what to do. I ended up having to do my own research, present them with the problem and solution, and then requesting that we focus more on solving the problem than gossip and random unrelated thoughts. People keep saying, "You know therapists are only human, and they have emotions too, so you should be patient with them!" But why should I be taking care of my therapist's feelings and insecurities? They have a job, and if they can't do it then I have no need for them.
 

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Quite a few therapists do seem to be incompetent. We had free counseling services on campus I attented and I went to see 3 different therapists but it seemed like they wouldn't really get to the bottom of the issue and do real cognitive therapy but instead give coined useless advice like "you need to exercise more!" or "you need to sleep more!". I later did end up meeting a real therapist that was extremely empathic and she would work with your on deconstructing the harmful perceptions and thought patterns. So they do exsit if you keep on looking. Another thing that helped me was a support group on campus which somehow was of more use than those 3 therapists combined. If you don't attend a school you can also try seeking support groups in your area via craiglist or may be even meetup.com website. I also recommend this forum if you haven't see it already Psychology & mental health forums Though their registration seems to be closed at the moment they have some good stories and advice posted on there. They even had a link to what sounded like exactly your situation (Golden Child Scapegoat - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers). Interestingly enough they say that the Scapegoat child is actually lucky in some respect because the narcissistic mother ends up clinging to the Golden Children in the family over the long term and applies all her powers of manipulation to them.
 

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Quite a few therapists do seem to be incompetent. We had free counseling services on campus I attented and I went to see 3 different therapists but it seemed like they wouldn't really get to the bottom of the issue and do real cognitive therapy but instead give coined useless advice like "you need to exercise more!" or "you need to sleep more!". I later did end up meeting a real therapist that was extremely empathic and she would work with your on deconstructing the harmful perceptions and thought patterns. So they do exsit if you keep on looking. Another thing that helped me was a support group on campus which somehow was of more use than those 3 therapists combined. If you don't attend a school you can also try seeking support groups in your area via craiglist or may be even meetup.com website. I also recommend this forum if you haven't see it already Psychology & mental health forums Though their registration seems to be closed at the moment they have some good stories and advice posted on there. They even had a link to what sounded like exactly your situation (Golden Child Scapegoat - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers). Interestingly enough they say that the Scapegoat child is actually lucky in some respect because the narcissistic mother ends up clinging to the Golden Children in the family over the long term and applies all her powers of manipulation to them.
This sounds exactly like the dynamic with me and my younger brother... and also between my mother and her younger sister. My younger brother was the weak one and easier to manipulate. Both my brother and my aunt had social disorders (autism and bipolar) and both were constantly trying to impress their mother by mimicking her actions and beliefs. This is really disgusting actually, how it travels through families. I get the disturbing feeling that my grandmother was the golden child and her sister the scapegoat. Her sister's family is pretty much void of mental issues or insecurities and my whole family is screwed up.
 

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Is there anything that you are good at and you know you are, that you could use as a foothold for more positive thinking?

I think it is terrible that parents do this by the way... even when some do it with the perspective of "I want you to try harder and prove me wrong", kids don't have that perspective... to them it's only "if mom says it then it must be true". It's really sickening the impact it can have.
 

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Is there anything that you are good at and you know you are, that you could use as a foothold for more positive thinking?

I think it is terrible that parents do this by the way... even when some do it with the perspective of "I want you to try harder and prove me wrong", kids don't have that perspective... to them it's only "if mom says it then it must be true". It's really sickening the impact it can have.
If you look into narcissism... that's really not how my parents were at all. The message I got was, "You're the black sheep of the family and you'll always be inherently evil."

But yeah, I'm trying to figure out things that I'm good at. I know I'm an extremely fast learner, and very adaptable. I'm good with computer software and problem solving, puzzles, and I have a strong will, somehow. I've become pretty good at drawing and computer art, I think... and I'm very good at singing and linguistics. Really I have a lot to appreciate about myself, it's just hard to remember or value it most of the time since it was always so overlooked. I've had multiple people tell me they wish they had a child just like me, and I always thought it was painfully ironic.
 

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If you look into narcissism... that's really not how my parents were at all. The message I got was, "You're the black sheep of the family and you'll always be inherently evil."

But yeah, I'm trying to figure out things that I'm good at. I know I'm an extremely fast learner, and very adaptable. I'm good with computer software and problem solving, puzzles, and I have a strong will, somehow. I've become pretty good at drawing and computer art, I think... and I'm very good at singing and linguistics. Really I have a lot to appreciate about myself, it's just hard to remember or value it most of the time since it was always so overlooked. I've had multiple people tell me they wish they had a child just like me, and I always thought it was painfully ironic.
Indeed it is hard, but the process of figuring it out in itself can be helpful. :laughing: Just in addition to what has been mentioned above, that is (and it may even come up if you do go for therapy, depending)

IMO self defeating tendencies are really just not looking at what is good in you. That is why it happens. Everything will of course look bad if you are forgetting to look at the good... but looking for it does take work, so it isn't an overnight thing, of course.
 

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Just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of your post, especially about the thinking it's reality part. I'm personally too conscious daily of my past myself to somehow sincerely wake up on any new giving morning and dismiss it as if it had never happened, since the effects are still with me to this day, and me saying it's in the past doesn't help me get far away at all from how much of an impact it has left on my entire life.

However, although facing it doesn't help much, I still try to convince myself in the good things that come that the past doesn't have to be the whole of how I have to live, it's never easy, but in my case I can honestly say that I am helped tremendously by the encouragement of my best friend's constant support, otherwise there would be no convincing me that I would be good for anything.

So, since I'm kind of in the same situation you are, I can't offer much advice other than knowing - that if possible, associations with people in our lives that do belittle us, and are not family, and thus not being forced to live with them, should be avoided if it's within our power.

Family, you can't really get away from, but whoever else you might meet along the way that shows traits of thinking less of you, we have the ability to not keep them around.
 
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Just wanted to say that I can relate to a lot of your post, especially about the thinking it's reality part. I'm personally too conscious daily of my past myself to somehow sincerely wake up on any new giving morning and dismiss it as if it had never happened, since the effects are still with me to this day, and me saying it's in the past doesn't help me get far away at all from how much of an impact it has left on my entire life.

However, although facing it doesn't help much, I still try to convince myself in the good things that come that the past doesn't have to be the whole of how I have to live, it's never easy, but in my case I can honestly say that I am helped tremendously by the encouragement of my best friend's constant support, otherwise there would be no convincing me that I would be good for anything.

So, since I'm kind of in the same situation you are, I can't offer much advice other than knowing - that if possible, associations with people in our lives that do belittle us, and are not family, and thus not being forced to live with them, should be avoided if it's within our power.

Family, you can't really get away from, but whoever else you might meet along the way that shows traits of thinking less of you, we have the ability to not keep them around.
Thank you. :) It's good to know that there are other people out there making progress. I think my biggest asset as far as support right now is my boyfriend, which scares the hell out of me. I really don't want to be dependent on a relationship for a personal need like that, but I guess sometimes we just have to take the hand we're given. It makes me constantly paranoid of any controlling tendencies, which is hard on him. :( He really is a good guy, and yet I don't trust that because of the experiences I've had in the past.
 

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Hello there. Fighting the inner demons, huh? Come and join the team :happy:

Well, I'm not dealing with the same as You do, I think, my case is somewhat milder, but still destructive. I've recently discovered that my childhood influences the way I perceive the world (I hate it and can't wait to get out), personal relations (I feel like no one would be sorry if I randomly disappeared one day) and myself (inferiority, self-hate, low self-esteem... yeah, been there, done that). And I have the destructing habit too: I bite my nails. Now I know that there are many people who do that, but I just don't seem able to stop, I've tried but it doesn't work because even if I consciously prevent myself from doing it, I still do this without even noticing so how can I prevent that :frustrating: I have been doing this forever, ever since I remember. Sometimes the way I do it seems compulsive :confused:

Try doing research on parent-child relationships and problems with those, such as parental favoritism or lack of parental acceptance. This is what I've come across and I think it might be helpful:

http://vm.uconn.edu/~rohner/intropar.html

http://www.isipar.org/files/Newsletters/ISIPAR Newsletter vol 1 number 3.pdf

I'm not sure but it might help. At least I was able to distract some useful info from those.

And it doesn't take forever to win! It took me very long to get to the bottom of my problems and I had to go through a lot of shit to arrive there, but You already know where the problem lies! Congratulations, because not everyone realizes such things :happy: You're on the right way to being healthy.

What worked for me is that I realized how it affects my current life. I realized that it's not actually my life, but it's something determined by the way my mother treated me. And then I thought that it should be my life and I should be the one to decide what to do with it. I don't have to live with the past forever and neither do You. Your mother has her life and let her fiddle with it; but don't give her Your own life to destroy, because You're in charge here.

Also, I realized that my low self-esteem and the way I perceive myself really really does not stem from the way I am, but from the way others treated me. Who said they treated me fairly? And if Your friends say You're really great, who says Your mother knows better? Who said that one woman with clear problems with herself knows better and judges You more accurately than a whole bunch of different people who actually made the effort to get to know the real You, not just dismissing Your personality on a whim? You're not stupid/ugly/bad etc., You have simply been mistreated. You haven't been given the credit You deserve, You have not been treated appropriately to who You are. It's not Your problem, it's her problem which happened to affect You so much.

You are probably searching for approval of someone else, some other significant person in Your life. It's natural in this situation, but be careful. It's true that You must avoid people who don't accept You the way You are, because if the situation gets out of hand it gets really nasty. I had this happen to me while I was still unaware of the problem and it was bad. Really bad.

I think You can dismiss the skin habits for now. I can't be 100% sure, but I think it will go away automatically if You deal with the real problem.

Hope this somehow helps. Good luck! :happy:
 

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Hello there. Fighting the inner demons, huh? Come and join the team :happy:

Well, I'm not dealing with the same as You do, I think, my case is somewhat milder, but still destructive. I've recently discovered that my childhood influences the way I perceive the world (I hate it and can't wait to get out), personal relations (I feel like no one would be sorry if I randomly disappeared one day) and myself (inferiority, self-hate, low self-esteem... yeah, been there, done that). And I have the destructing habit too: I bite my nails. Now I know that there are many people who do that, but I just don't seem able to stop, I've tried but it doesn't work because even if I consciously prevent myself from doing it, I still do this without even noticing so how can I prevent that :frustrating: I have been doing this forever, ever since I remember. Sometimes the way I do it seems compulsive :confused:

Try doing research on parent-child relationships and problems with those, such as parental favoritism or lack of parental acceptance. This is what I've come across and I think it might be helpful:

http://vm.uconn.edu/~rohner/intropar.html

http://www.isipar.org/files/Newsletters/ISIPAR Newsletter vol 1 number 3.pdf

I'm not sure but it might help. At least I was able to distract some useful info from those.

And it doesn't take forever to win! It took me very long to get to the bottom of my problems and I had to go through a lot of shit to arrive there, but You already know where the problem lies! Congratulations, because not everyone realizes such things :happy: You're on the right way to being healthy.

What worked for me is that I realized how it affects my current life. I realized that it's not actually my life, but it's something determined by the way my mother treated me. And then I thought that it should be my life and I should be the one to decide what to do with it. I don't have to live with the past forever and neither do You. Your mother has her life and let her fiddle with it; but don't give her Your own life to destroy, because You're in charge here.

Also, I realized that my low self-esteem and the way I perceive myself really really does not stem from the way I am, but from the way others treated me. Who said they treated me fairly? And if Your friends say You're really great, who says Your mother knows better? Who said that one woman with clear problems with herself knows better and judges You more accurately than a whole bunch of different people who actually made the effort to get to know the real You, not just dismissing Your personality on a whim? You're not stupid/ugly/bad etc., You have simply been mistreated. You haven't been given the credit You deserve, You have not been treated appropriately to who You are. It's not Your problem, it's her problem which happened to affect You so much.

You are probably searching for approval of someone else, some other significant person in Your life. It's natural in this situation, but be careful. It's true that You must avoid people who don't accept You the way You are, because if the situation gets out of hand it gets really nasty. I had this happen to me while I was still unaware of the problem and it was bad. Really bad.

I think You can dismiss the skin habits for now. I can't be 100% sure, but I think it will go away automatically if You deal with the real problem.

Hope this somehow helps. Good luck! :happy:
Thank you for the wonderful advice! I am very glad that you found a way to accept yourself. I have noticed that since I started recognizing my situation and taking control, I haven't been touching my face as much. :) I still have to catch myself a lot, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

Also, my boyfriend is a victim of physical abuse, and he does the nail biting as well, so bad that his fingernails actually started growing into the skin because they're so short. It's definitely a serious physical outlet, but at least you're not doing serious damage to yourself. I hope you can feel good enough about yourself in the future to grow your lovely nails back out. :)
 

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I have a problem. I already knew this, but what I'm still working on is figuring out exactly what that is and how to stop it. I've been writing about my mother, about the horrible things she put me through as a child. I've recently become aware that she probably had a large amount of Narcissism, due to her inability to cope with what her own Narcissistic mother put her through. She also had a lot of anger about her past, and channeled much of that anger toward me as a child. Every day for as long as I can remember, I was subjected to cruelty and harsh criticism that was irrelevant to growth, or improvement, or anything beyond hate. Every day, I was told that I'm useless, that I can't do anything right, that I will never amount to anything, that the problems of everyone else in the house were somehow my fault, and that I don't deserve anything. For eighteen years, this was the norm. My brothers were bullied into going along with it, and my stepfather got caught up in her version of reality and started taking out his frustrations on me as well.

Now that I finally got out of the house, I don't even know where to start with recovering. I've been trying to forget about it, ignore all my weird quirks and just deal with things, at least until I got a job. But my subconscious is still constantly trying to attack me, as if I've done something wrong and need to be punished. I stop myself before starting tasks that I need to do because I know in my gut that I can't do it right. This isn't just a feeling - to me, it is a fact. I know for a fact that I am useless and will never accomplish anything. Why? Because that's what I've been told all my life. No matter how much I try to fight it, this is my view of reality. The only time I can manage to do things is when I feel angry, or when I feel like I'm being punished. I'm terrified of these habits, the need I feel to be punished for everything even if I do it right. It's easier to just ignore everything and spend all day doing nothing, because then someone will hopefully yell at me and I'll be in the right place again.

Beyond the lack of motivation, there are the seriously self-defeating habits that I can't seem to control. I constantly scratch at my face and my acne (and even little bumps or bug bites on my arms) until I'm covered in red blotches. I feel the need to make myself ugly on the outside because I don't feel beautiful on the inside. Even though I'm aware of this problem and keep trying to stop, it comes back easily during stress or when I'm not paying attention. I'm also an enormous perfectionist, and can be horribly mean to myself every time I do something mildly wrong or forget something. I hear voices in my head all the time screaming about how stupid and useless and pathetic I am. I've made an effort to stop any of the more noticeable ones - I stopped physically hurting myself, and I try to stop talking about myself negatively to other people. Still, I can't really hide from it. It's my upbringing - everything I've ever been told about myself from my family.

I would really appreciate any suggestions for things I can do to try to overcome this. I don't want to keep living like this. I know that I can't erase the past, but I want to become stronger so I can feel like a real person, and make something of myself.
Hziegel, I am really sorry you had to go through this. Through your posts, I always felt as though you have a calm spirit about you, that you are very intelligent, and confident.

Could it be that buried underneath it all, you are confident, intelligent, and are afraid to let the part out when those feelings resurface? It seems like there is a sense of hiding it for when things actually are going great, but the self-sabotage is something so strong, profound and familiar, that you bury it within you?

I may be overly speculating. I get this feeling that you are also a strong spirit. It takes a lot to move out and be on your own. That fiery passion is within you. It keeps repeating itself when you doubt yourself? These are all possibilities.

Whatever it is, there is something inside that is glowing. I hope that you listen to that passion that's kept you alive and strong every day. It's there. Know it!
 

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Hziegel, I am really sorry you had to go through this. Through your posts, I always felt as though you have a calm spirit about you, that you are very intelligent, and confident.

Could it be that buried underneath it all, you are confident, intelligent, and are afraid to let the part out when those feelings resurface? It seems like there is a sense of hiding it for when things actually are going great, but the self-sabotage is something so strong, profound and familiar, that you bury it within you?

I may be overly speculating. I get this feeling that you are also a strong spirit. It takes a lot to move out and be on your own. That fiery passion is within you. It keeps repeating itself when you doubt yourself? These are all possibilities.

Whatever it is, there is something inside that is glowing. I hope that you listen to that passion that's kept you alive and strong every day. It's there. Know it!
Thank you for your inspiring words. :) In fact you aren't over speculating at all. Fear of my own strength has been one of my largest struggles, and probably still is. Sometimes I feel like there's a demon inside me, and if I stop hiding or doubting or abusing myself it would come out and destroy everything. I know this is probably just because of how my mother spoke about me, but I still feel it all the time. Most people seem more okay with letting their inner strength show, but I can't help but feel that there's something so strong inside it could be destructive... or that if I let it show, I'll lose myself.
 

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It's quite simple.

Chances are a lot of people here have had a rough childhood, not necessarily as extreme as yours was, but some possibly even worse. Point however is, that doesn't make you anywhere more/less important. You are what you are and will become what you will want to become, if you take the necessary steps towards your goals.

You are responsible for your life, not anyone else. Suck your past up for what it was; shitty. I have done the same. Cut loose and realize that from there out on you make your own path/way that is entirely yours. No matter how shitty it may have been, or currently is, it is not a reason to dwell yourself in the same environment or the same niveau. It's always an option to rise above them, as well as yourself.

If you can't let go of your past you perhaps, as already suggested, can try counsellings, truth be told however, I don't think anyone but yourself can help to come to terms with it. Accept it for what it was and leave it behind you, but don't forget, for it is responsible for who are, to a degree anyway. Make the best of your strengths and get some self-esteem as opposed to dwelling in un-necessities.
 

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It's quite simple.

Chances are a lot of people here have had a rough childhood, not necessarily as extreme as yours was, but some possibly even worse. Point however is, that doesn't make you anywhere more/less important. You are what you are and will become what you will want to become, if you take the necessary steps towards your goals.

You are responsible for your life, not anyone else. Suck your past up for what it was; shitty. I have done the same. Cut loose and realize that from there out on you make your own path/way that is entirely yours. No matter how shitty it may have been, or currently is, it is not a reason to dwell yourself in the same environment or the same niveau. It's always an option to rise above them, as well as yourself.

If you can't let go of your past you perhaps, as already suggested, can try counsellings, truth be told however, I don't think anyone but yourself can help to come to terms with it. Accept it for what it was and leave it behind you, but don't forget, for it is responsible for who are, to a degree anyway. Make the best of your strengths and get some self-esteem as opposed to dwelling in un-necessities.
Thank you. I don't mean to dwell on these things unnecessarily, but I want to be absolutely sure I sort through them before trying to forget again. I got a book that I think will help a lot, and I'm going to figure out how I feel and what needs to be done. Only once I understand and accept these things will I be able to move on. Otherwise I risk the chance of developing an even further psychological problem.
 

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Thank you. I don't mean to dwell on these things unnecessarily, but I want to be absolutely sure I sort through them before trying to forget again. I got a book that I think will help a lot, and I'm going to figure out how I feel and what needs to be done. Only once I understand and accept these things will I be able to move on. Otherwise I risk the chance of developing an even further psychological problem.
I don't think it's even possible to develop a psychological problem if you're consciously aware of it, but some sort of dwelling. We all have our quirks, I used to bite my nails tons when I was a child, I still do today on occasion, but not subconsciously, but because I'm too lazy to get a pair of scissors.

It perhaps isn't a really dramatic example, point however is, once you're aware of your quirks you can consciously change the habits. A lot of people probably went through phases in their youth (including myself) where it was 'cool' to just spit around to no end. That as well turns into a subconscious habit quicker one would like to believe, however, in return it's also curable a lot quicker one would think once you grew aware of that mis-habit.

Awareness is all you need to tackle a problem, a problem is only a real problem if you're unaware of it :tongue:
 

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I don't think it's even possible to develop a psychological problem if you're consciously aware of it, but some sort of dwelling. We all have our quirks, I used to bite my nails tons when I was a child, I still do today on occasion, but not subconsciously, but because I'm too lazy to get a pair of scissors.

It perhaps isn't a really dramatic example, point however is, once you're aware of your quirks you can consciously change the habits. A lot of people probably went through phases in their youth (including myself) where it was 'cool' to just spit around to no end. That as well turns into a subconscious habit quicker one would like to believe, however, in return it's also curable a lot quicker one would think once you grew aware of that mis-habit.

Awareness is all you need to tackle a problem, a problem is only a real problem if you're unaware of it :tongue:
Besides the fact that I still am not fully aware of nearly all the things that have impacted me, I still personally need to know why. I won't be satisfied until I understand what happened to me that made me this way, and I don't know how I could possibly change any of it without knowing what it is. For many people, just recognizing their problems is enough. For me, I need closure. This is not just an INTP thing, but also specific to the condition of my problem: My parents, the people I trusted and needed the most, never showed me love or appreciation, or anything but disappointment and anger. They led me to believe that everything was my fault, and convinced me that I was useless and hopeless. Yes, I need to recognize my issues with self esteem and work on them, but I also have to come to terms with the fact that my mother will never love me as a mother should. She has a psychological disorder, and until I can understand that and come to terms with it, I will always be trying to please her. Even now, it takes all my will power to do things she wouldn't approve of, and I'm three thousand miles away from her. I have to live with the fact that I will never have parents who care for me, and I have to stop trying to replace them. People who do not recover from this condition... well, my mother is one of them, and so is her mother, and hers. They thought they could forget about it.
 

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It's quite simple.

Chances are a lot of people here have had a rough childhood, not necessarily as extreme as yours was, but some possibly even worse. Point however is, that doesn't make you anywhere more/less important. You are what you are and will become what you will want to become, if you take the necessary steps towards your goals.

You are responsible for your life, not anyone else. Suck your past up for what it was; shitty. I have done the same. Cut loose and realize that from there out on you make your own path/way that is entirely yours. No matter how shitty it may have been, or currently is, it is not a reason to dwell yourself in the same environment or the same niveau. It's always an option to rise above them, as well as yourself.

If you can't let go of your past you perhaps, as already suggested, can try counsellings, truth be told however, I don't think anyone but yourself can help to come to terms with it. Accept it for what it was and leave it behind you, but don't forget, for it is responsible for who are, to a degree anyway. Make the best of your strengths and get some self-esteem as opposed to dwelling in un-necessities.
Obviously posting and asking for pointers is a way taking the initiative. Its not as simple as "quit it!" - when there is a lifetime of conditioning involved.
 
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