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Discussion Starter #1
Do you often do this? Whenever I want to get to know someone, I don't ask them questions (I don't like prying into people's privacy), but instead, I'll self-disclose some really deep stuff about myself, hoping that they will reciprocate back and start to self-disclose about themselves too.

Does anybody here do the same thing too? When trying to form a connection with people, do you self-disclose a lot?
 

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Absolutely!

On the healthier side of things, I will do this so the other person feels safe, and at ease around me. If one shows vulnerability, or lets the soul shine through a bit, or lets the mask down, then I think it helps form a bond between people, rather than being guarded, and you can understand someone in a more authentic way through this vulnerability and sharing.

On the unhealthier side of things, if I have a feeling about someone, but don't want to ask them out right, I will disclose something about myself in the same vein of what the thing is (not a lie, generally), and it will open up the conversation. I don't like the manipulative/controlling side that comes with it.
 

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Yep. It creates an atmosphere where they'll be willing to share. It sounds like textbook Fe, going around instead of thrusting directly.
 

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I don't know the name for this condition, but it's when one deliberately puts themselves out there, then turns around to complain of depression and being hurt by the same people who they spilled their guts to.

Meaning, we can't have it both ways in that we continuously claim that we are hurt by others, but then turn around and thrive on the idea of self-disclosing our deepest thoughts to others.

Not judging or imposing my views- just commenting on an observation that can lead to more mental/personality disorders..
 

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Do you often do this? Whenever I want to get to know someone, I don't ask them questions (I don't like prying into people's privacy), but instead, I'll self-disclose some really deep stuff about myself, hoping that they will reciprocate back and start to self-disclose about themselves too.

Does anybody here do the same thing too? When trying to form a connection with people, do you self-disclose a lot?
This is when high level of social interaction comes into play because if you are in an environment with many A-type personalities, they will smell you and test you. The best way to overcome this as an INFJ is to demonstrate competence, which then displays confidence. If not, you will be eaten alive by these ego-maniacs.

Trust me, I learned the hard way because many of the them don't like to hear the "deep stuff". For them, it's an opening into your soul- which they will then torment you until you break.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I don't know the name for this condition, but it's when one deliberately puts themselves out there, then turns around to complain of depression and being hurt by the same people who they spilled their guts to.

Meaning, we can't have it both ways in that we continuously claim that we are hurt by others, but then turn around and thrive on the idea of self-disclosing our deepest thoughts to others.

Not judging or imposing my views- just commenting on an observation that can lead to more mental/personality disorders..

This is when high level of social interaction comes into play because if you are in an environment with many A-type personalities, they will smell you and test you. The best way to overcome this as an INFJ is to demonstrate competence, which then displays confidence. If not, you will be eaten alive by these ego-maniacs.

Trust me, I learned the hard way because many of the them don't like to hear the "deep stuff". For them, it's an opening into your soul- which they will then torment you until you break.

Well, I'm selective in who I self-disclose to. I don't just self-disclose to anybody, but I only self-disclose to someone when I find them good-natured and they are someone whom I want to form a deeper connection with. I don't self-disclose about myself to people whom I find mean-spirited, because they might use those information against me someday.

To me, self-disclosing and having the courage to be vulnerable is the key to forming a connection with someone. If you aren't your vulnerable self around a person, you will never be able to form a connection with them, because they don't know the real you and to form a connection with someone actually requires them to know the real you, and in order for people to learnt the real you this would require you to show your vulnerabilities around them.

If people ever get hurt from self-disclosing, it's because they self-disclose to the wrong people. They didn't take the time to be observe people's character and they ended up picking mean-spirited people to self-disclose to, and then end up getting hurt when those information is being used against them.
 

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I self disclose and ask questions. I think people tend to like being asked questions so long as they are appropriate to the kind of bond you have! You can always learn about someone with fun hypothetical questions!
 

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If people ever get hurt from self-disclosing, it's because they self-disclose to the wrong people. They didn't take the time to be observe people's character and they ended up picking mean-spirited people to self-disclose to, and then end up getting hurt when those information is being used against them.
I learned this the hard way. I was too naive. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who use your 'weakness' as a stepping stone. Others don't understand why you would show that you are an imperfect human being. So I tend to shut it, nowadays.
 

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Do you often do this? Whenever I want to get to know someone, I don't ask them questions (I don't like prying into people's privacy), but instead, I'll self-disclose some really deep stuff about myself, hoping that they will reciprocate back and start to self-disclose about themselves too.

Does anybody here do the same thing too? When trying to form a connection with people, do you self-disclose a lot?
I find myself doing this sometimes although not all the time. This will usually happen after my analysis of the person with whom I am talking with and observation etc. to see what kind of person they are. After I do this, I will then share bit by bit about myself to make the person comfortable and thus make it easy for them to speak to me. However, there are times when I will just not do this at all, and it won't matter if the person is good or bad. Just how I will feel at the given moment will determine what I will do.
 

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I do both...sometimes one more than the other depending on the person and the setting -- what is appropriate and all + how shy am I feeling that day. I'll try not to ask questions in a way that sounds inappropriate or intrusive though. But if I am wanting to get close to someone, I am interested in knowing about personal details about them and I want to share personal details about me so they can decide whether they truly like me and are still interested in being friends or not.

Generally speaking, most people like to answer questions about themselves though so it's usually not too much of a problem unless the feeling is not mutual and they're not really interested in forming any sort of connection with me. In that case, I won't feel very motivated to dig any deeper into them nor share myself.

There have been times I've shared too much too soon because the person seemed trustworthy - only for me to regret it later. It happens. That's life. But I guess in hindsight, it sort of acted as a test, in a way which kind of did me a favor.
 

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I only do this with highly selective people. Meaning, I read them first. If I feel like it might be okay to self-disclose because I feel like they could understand or relate, then I do. I wouldn't do it with just anyone though. Not everyone I meet (and I mean 99.9% of people that I meet) deserve to know those types of things about me.


BUT FOR SOME REASON, I let that happen within hours of (minutes of an actual conversation) meeting my ENFP. Weird. He understood completely and made my brain do a 180 in the sense of where I was and where I actually wanted to be at the time. And now I'm there. That was almost four months ago. So. I think that was a good decision. But anyone else? Nahhh.
 

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As far as self-disclosing...


Are you familiar with this website? She talks about how this is related to Fe, and yes, I agree, but the way she describes it seems more applicable to ExFJs. I've never known an INFJ to consider themselves an "eternal blabbermouth" as she does. I've definitely seen that in ExFJs. INFJs are generally very private people. I think what she says about INFPs would apply to introverts, and I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually an extrovert.

INFJ or INFP? a closer look

Of course some of this is related to age. Younger INFPs tend to be more private than younger INFJs, who may get caught up in runaway self-disclosure and not stop talking about themselves. As we grow older, we all tend to mellow a bit around this distinction -- so you may want to consider whether your self-assessment holds true for most of your life.


My husband and I probably have our worst fallouts over this preference -- he hates it when I reveal private information about him without his permission, and I am the eternal blabbermouth. (No doubt he'll scream when he learns I revealed that!) So don't assume I'm saying you should tell all by what I've written here!
 

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Interesting article. I recently met an old woman who always self discloses with me; and I really found myself enjoying how she speaks or has a conversation... that I've sort of begun to do it myself.
At least, consciously now. Maybe I do do it just not realize.

I realize it sort of has the same feeling as gossip; so people do that in the same way...

I admit I'm not the most socialized person. As in, having met many different personalities. I find I can be more focused mentally, like analysing ideas with people.
I also tend to tease as a way to form connections I guess or calm waters. Ice breakers...
 

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I can relate to this part of the article - I may disclose info which aren't too private to build a connection. But these info are usually things I don't consider too private.

"Last night I encountered a woman in a public toilet who had spilled coffee on her white dress, and I found myself babbling about something similar happening to me as a way to create relationship and eliminate the tension of being strangers."

the way she describes it seems more applicable to ExFJs. I've never known an INFJ to consider themselves an "eternal blabbermouth" as she does. I've definitely seen that in ExFJs.
I agree. My ESFJ friend is definitely more talkative and less discreet. For e.g. she practically told the whole world details about her divorce.
 

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I do this both ways. Often I will divulge snippets of information about my own life to try to get someone to put their problems on the table.
Other times when someone puts something out there that they might not be comfortable sharing too much I'll share a similar experience to tell them that what they're going through is normal in a way.

I'm not always comfortable asking questions about specific things though. I don't want to scare someone away if they don't feel comfortable sharing things.
 

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I don't know the name for this condition, but it's when one deliberately puts themselves out there, then turns around to complain of depression and being hurt by the same people who they spilled their guts to.

Meaning, we can't have it both ways in that we continuously claim that we are hurt by others, but then turn around and thrive on the idea of self-disclosing our deepest thoughts to others.

Not judging or imposing my views- just commenting on an observation that can lead to more mental/personality disorders..
Seems unrelated. I didn't note the OP complaining or feeling hurt. Nor have I known anyone with such a complex.
 

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I do some version of what you're saying. Though I'm not looking for reciprocation as much as fishing for a potential connection and stepping over the inhibited stage of conversation (smalltalk). Being candid makes for much more interesting interactions. You just have to be willing to risk making the other person feel awkward, or potentially alienating yourself some. Risks I'm usually happy to take.
 

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@mistakenforstranger
I can relate to this part of the article - I may disclose info which aren't too private to build a connection. But these info are usually things I don't consider too private.

"Last night I encountered a woman in a public toilet who had spilled coffee on her white dress, and I found myself babbling about something similar happening to me as a way to create relationship and eliminate the tension of being strangers."

I agree. My ESFJ friend is definitely more talkative and less discreet. For e.g. she practically told the whole world details about her divorce.
Yeah, I'm still very closed up on meeting people for the first time. I struggle with social anxiety and second-guessing myself that I never say anything, even if I may want to strengthen the connection. It would also never be anything private, just similar things and experiences we may have in common. Though, I definitely wouldn't think to strike up conversations with strangers in the bathroom, like Miss Vicki Jo lol. I'm thinking Enneagram may play a role here too, and I suspect she's a Type 2. Yeah, I've known an ESFJ, also Type 2, to be very open about private details of their own life and others. That's never a problem for me. If you tell me something privately, I know to keep it private, and besides, I hardly know many people to even tell it to. INFJs will keep your secrets. ;) I struggle to see an INFJ as a blabbermouth. If you're familiar with The Office, it reminds me of when Jim told Michael about a secret crush he had, and the whole office ended up knowing about it at the end of the day, and then Jim is like, "What happened?" Michael's an extrovert lol.
 

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I have that weird happening where I just talk normally to people, with very down to earth attitude and go about what makes life special, how to enjoy hobbies / passions a bit more and then folks I talk to are always astonished that they're getting very personal to basically, a complete stranger

Been told a couple of times that I have a warm / comforting aura, maybe that's why ? it's even more pronounced with women who usually - typically are feeling more confident all of a sudden, and let lose. Like you can tell that with other people they're withholding, but not so much with me lol

I can't really tell you how or why but it's been that way since forever

Fun fact, the last Infj I talked to, she basically only has sisters and showed me her most private writings about a brother she was longing for, maybe one hour or so after we started talking for the first time. Everyone was confused because she never did this with anyone else lol
 
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