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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Self improvement / Loneliness(deep connection) / Following your heart instead of mind

Hi all, I like to share my heart (will try to keep it short) and hope to get some feedback.

In the recent months I am actively working on myself, not that I am depressed just have the feeling that I am missing something in life.
Had a girlfriend for 4 years (broke up half year ago), always thought I missed some connection with her (she is an ESFJ) but the more I think of it, probably it relates to missing something in myself aswell.

As an INTP (or ENTP not sure yet) I think of everything, when I am in a social situation that doesn't stimulate me enough I return in my head. Don't get me wrong I can be pretty social so nobody would guess I am an INTP, but when I am missing a deep connection or fun, I am returning in my head (dreaming, philosophising etc.).

I always thought that this analytical way of thinking is the best way to live life. I never made bad decisions. Decent job that I liked with good salary (although not my passion), kind family, kind friends (although already for around 15 years, and therefore partly different interests).
Nice house, car, education, job, good looking, 30 years old, but I have the feeling not being (showing) the true me. Already made a thread some weeks ago about keeping up myself as a social guy (how I think the world likes to see me), what I am actually not always (deepest fear is not being accepted).

But to be honest I feel lonely sometimes. When I was with my girlfriend, I could videogame, play poker, live in my head, for the whole weekend, without seeing anybody, but now I broke up I miss real connection and feel lonely.
I could hang out with colleagues, friends, family other people I know, I like that but it is not satisfying.
I think my loneliness is because I miss the real deep connection with other people of similar interest (philosophising about the meaning of life on a deep deep level).

Three weeks ago I missed a move on a colleague/girl that was pulling me onto the dancefloor (and saying please dance with me, see was also quite drunk), nevertheless I really liked her, but I thought:
- If I dance with her, I need to kiss her,
- all my colleagues are around,
- I barely know her,
- afraid of showing myself to someone so close in my life I see every day and
- it is better if I find a girl who also likes philosophising (although I don't know if she doesn't)
so better for me to go tinder first (had my first tinder date the next day).
Result: next week all attraction is gone and actually no idea what to say to her, because there are always other colleagues around (I could kick my head just for not following my heart, and missing for open goal).

The tinder date was fun, went on a 2nd date (her choice, I already cutted it off a bit) and nothing more. But when I look back, I was keeping up an image, not being vulnerable, not being the real me, see was distant for that reason (arms crossed, closed posture), I was talking to much small talk and to less about feelings/things that matter.

Not specifically due to this colleague or girl, because there are more girls. But the conclusion in my life is: too much thinking and too less being myself, being my real me, following my passion, my heart. I need to change this, I like to conquer my fears.
 

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XSFJs don’t allow for improvement (the Animus isn’t as good for that as Jung told us). I think it’s more the shadow you need to look into for self improvement in your relationships,

the beneficial relationships I’ve formed have been from xNxJs, but mostly XNTJs, (I’m seeing now, is most ideal).xSFJs are attractive but unfortunately, I don’t end up learning a damn thing from them, not improving at all. They use all my immature functions, I use their immature functions, and we don’t see eye to eye on anything that’s truly important.

but anyway, self improvement is not always relationship related, but also work related. Take up activities that better reflect your sense of self, and identity and you will find fulfilment in them and develop your sense of worth of your identity, and expand that into your external world. Creativity, and the difference in your self expression. Stuff like that.
 

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If you are putting up a persona then you will never feel that connection your seeking. You seem like you have your shit together, what is holding you back?
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
If you are putting up a persona then you will never feel that connection your seeking. You seem like you have your shit together, what is holding you back?
I have my shit together but it is according to the general standard in society, not specifically mine.
What is holding me back (good question) is probably living to much for the outside world (also listing to much to the superego of Sigmund Freud) instead of to myself (the ID). Will work on that.

Interesting now I mentioning Sigmund Freud, are 'NT' types more influenced by the superego, because they are the thinking/analysing type?

XSFJs don’t allow for improvement (the Animus isn’t as good for that as Jung told us). I think it’s more the shadow you need to look into for self improvement in your relationships,

the beneficial relationships I’ve formed have been from xNxJs, but mostly XNTJs, (I’m seeing now, is most ideal).xSFJs are attractive but unfortunately, I don’t end up learning a damn thing from them, not improving at all. They use all my immature functions, I use their immature functions, and we don’t see eye to eye on anything that’s truly important.

but anyway, self improvement is not always relationship related, but also work related. Take up activities that better reflect your sense of self, and identity and you will find fulfilment in them and develop your sense of worth of your identity, and expand that into your external world. Creativity, and the difference in your self expression. Stuff like that.
You are right, it relates a lot to living for yourself.
 

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Practice being yourself more. Talking to people online is a good way to start, as it is anonymous and there is no real risk in showing the "real" you. Once you feel comfortable being yourself, you can try it out during a Tinder date, as the stakes are quite low there too, since you really have nothing to lose from being rejected.

If you want to really connect to someone, you have to learn to put yourself, your real self, out there. It can be hard, it can be boring and it can seem pointless or ineffective, but I think it's really the only way you have a chance of finding someone you can really connect with.
 

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Here's what I was told by a "life coach" years ago who helped me figure things out. She introduced me to the whole myers-briggs thing. "You are too analitical" She told me that sometimes just got to stop thinking quite so much about everything. Our F is inferior but it needs fed. Opening up and being the real me, as scary as that was at first, was the beginning of my really getting to know girls, and dating being fun until I me the one I married. Of course at first I had to figure out who I really was, find those things I was passionate about, so I had something to talk about.

As far as finding someone you can philosophize with deeply on a regular basis. Let me tell you brother, in my experience, they are few and far between in this world. Probably what brings a lot of us to this site. My wife will have these talks with me, but they are not as frequent as I would have them, because it is not as much her thing.

Sounds like you've established yourself pretty good, and may need to start exploring some new things. Remember being wise and being practical aren't always the same thing.
 

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My sister is ESFJ. We eventually learned to get along, and lived together for several years as adults, but it wasn't always easy. I can see how INTP man-ESFJ woman could work. But for deep conversations and so on, no.

You made a decision not to get too involved with someone from work, and it sounds like your reasons were good.

Online dating has changed a lot since I did it, but it certainly increases the possibility of meeting the kind of person you really want. You can really look for a person with certain interests, lifestyle, etc., instead of ending up with someone from your small circle of acquaintances, or with someone who's attractive on the outside but not compatible with you.

Yes, be yourself, follow your passion, etc. You figured out how to get this far in life, now you need more.

Having said that, I think loneliness is just part of being INTP. But you can still learn how to do two things: Find people you can relate to, and learn to please yourself even when you're alone. Both of these might entail leaving some of your current life behind. For example, you might say no to a family activity in order to go on a date or to do some solitary project.

If you want to apply MBTI, try looking for ISTP (Ti-dom like us, although ISTP women seem rare) or INFJ/ENFJ (interested in what makes people tick, can be insightful conversationalists). Even if these types aren't right for you, you could use what you learned and move on to something else.

Good luck!
 
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