[entpreter]

How old were you when you started dating more seriously? A few of my ISTJ friends seem very focused and don't let men get in the way of their goals until they are ready. Like they will schedule them in to their lives. One is now at the settling down stage in her life, but the other has never been serious about guys, nor does she seem to want to be any time soon (which is fine).

 

[Psilocin]

I didn't even attempt a relationship until 18.

I thought almost all kids my age, at that time, were incapable of a fully-functioning, healthy relationship.
That opinion still stands with kids my age.
And the children older than myself.

 

[niss]

First serious relationship? I was five...:tongue:

 

[Elysia]

A few of my ISTJ friends seem very focused and don't let men get in the way of their goals until they are ready.

That pretty much describes me. I don't know if I could put my best into both study and a relationship.

I didn't even attempt a relationship until 18.

I thought almost all kids my age, at that time, were incapable of a fully-functioning, healthy relationship.
That opinion still stands with kids my age.
And the children older than myself.

I think that way too. Guys my age still seem so immature (20). I don't feel that I myself am ready either (perhaps a super later bloomer? :crazy.

First serious relationship? I was five...:tongue:

More details! :tongue:

 

[Qadosh]

I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 21. Your friend that does not seem interested is probably interested, just doesn't show it. I have never been one to talk much about that sort of stuff with friends.

 

[Elysia]

I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 21. Your friend that does not seem interested is probably interested, just doesn't show it. I have never been one to talk much about that sort of stuff with friends.

I only talk about that sort of stuff with my closest friends. My view about starting a relationship is "if it happens, it happens" but the likelihood of it happening is pretty much zero considering I don't do anything to increase the chances of it happening (and in fact take preventive measures).

 

[Sela]

Way too soon, in my case. Carry on.

 

[RedFairy]

I think that way too. Guys my age still seem so immature (20). I don't feel that I myself am ready either (perhaps a super later bloomer? :crazy.

I find that my serious relationships have been with men at least 6 - 8 years older than I am... I don't plan it that way though, it's just that I have always found men my age immature so I tend to be attracted to older men.

 

[Darner]

Didn't start with serious dating yet and I don't plan to for at least another decade ...

 

[fievre]

I began my first relationship 5.5 months ago (I'm 20), but I suppose it has a serious tone. For me it's a serious thing. I'm dating this guy because at this point, it's not hard to imagine myself spending the rest of my life with him. I've known him for a bit over two years so now it's just time to experiment with that thought a bit through an exclusive romantic relationship.

I do have terms, though considering the youth of the relationship have been kept to myself so far. I will not be married until I am out of school (he's 26, hope he's willing to wait through grad school for me). If the only place I can get a decent career is a different locale and he makes me choose between my financial independence and him, I have to choose the former. The following quote by Lady Gaga has been a bit of a specter that personifies the way I've always felt about love, “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore."

I do anticipate tough choices, but I love him so I am willing to see how it plays out.

 

[entpreter]

I only talk about that sort of stuff with my closest friends. My view about starting a relationship is "if it happens, it happens" but the likelihood of it happening is pretty much zero considering I don't do anything to increase the chances of it happening (and in fact take preventive measures).

Why do you take "preventative measures?"

 

[nightowl]

I had my first relationship during my last years of high school. At the time i took it for what it is and didnt have any deeper plans. Currently I havent been in a relationship for some time. For me there are certain things that have higher priorities that dating/relationships.

If your trying to pin down a specific age, i dont think you will find it. There are alot of factors to look at to answer this question

 

[entpreter]

I neither think that my ISTJ friend needs a relationship nor do I think that there's a specific age when the desire for a serious one will kick in. Just curious as to the reasoning behind it or if there are other ISTJs like her. She's now 25 and has only had one real relationship and it lasted about 3 months. Again, it doesn't matter to me. Just curious.

 

[nosilla]

I've never had a romantic relationship with any guy- and I certainly don't plan on starting one anytime soon. Most of the guys in my age group are stupid anyways (I am 19). I am waiting to find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I don't want to find that person through dating. One of my prereqs for a relationship is that we have to be good friends first. If I have not had a relationship by the time I am 30, I honestly think that I will just throw myself into my career and find a job that would be hard for a person with a family to do.
I also sorta take "preventative measures"- I do not want the silly unintelligent guys. That's why I have the prereqs in place- plus, I generally try to send out the "I'm taken" and/or "not interested" signal.
Although lately I have been feeling especially lonely, and I have been falling into that "if I only had a boyfriend..." way of thinking. Maybe that means I should lower my prereqs/standards/expectations a little. I don't know.
I do know that I need to fix myself a bit before I ever begin a relationship.

 

[Elysia]

Why do you take "preventative measures?"

Cost/Risk vs Benefit. Do I want to risk wasting thinking time with crushes and perhaps act on them which may end up a waste of time? To embark on getting to know someone better (who I currently don't know well) is very costly to me because I find it very hard to do and I also find it hard to approach people unless they are friends.

By preventative measures I'm referring to that fact that if I ever start going down a path in my thinking that may lead to me crushing on someone I shut down those thoughts both mentally and by not seeking interaction with them (because I think it's illogical to like someone when you don't really know them). These preventative measures are in place for people I don't know well. On the other side of the coin, I guess it is self-defeating in that it prevents me from getting to know someone better unless they take the initiative and not give up after the first few tries. It also means that I reduce the chance of gaining a potential close friend.

I'm talking about preventative measure in terms of how I think about acquaintances /friends instead of close friends. If someone is my close friend the cost/risk would be much less as I already know them and am more in a position to determine whether they would suit me and vice versa. If someone was crushing on me and interacted with me more because of it I would probably let that continue until I knew whether or not it would lead to anything (and also because it doesn't really cost me to maintain that sort of interaction). If it wasn't going to lead to anything I'd just tell the person as I wouldn't want to waste their time either.

Then again maybe the only reason my preventative measures have 'worked' so far is because I haven't met the right person :crazy:

I also don't fully endorse my way of thinking :crazy: I appear to be quite the anomaly among my peers.

One of my prereqs for a relationship is that we have to be good friends first.

Definitely.

If I have not had a relationship by the time I am 30, I honestly think that I will just throw myself into my career and find a job that would be hard for a person with a family to do.

If I haven't had a relationship by the time I am 30 I'd probably start trying to break free of my introverted 'chains' and extreme judging trait and attempt to be more comfortable taking 'risks' :crazy: I don't actually want to end up 'alone' or only with platonic friends. Some of my friends joke that I'm going to be the old woman with her many cats :crazy: I don't mind them saying that, because it wouldn't be surprising the way I am now, however I don't think I will end up being like that (hopefully!)

I generally try to send out the "I'm taken" and/or "not interested" signal.

I send out the 'not interested' signal, however in some situations it would be great if I could genuinely use the "I'm taken" line. I also try to be very careful in not accidentally sending out an "I'm interested in you in that way" signal when I'm just being friendly, there appears to be this fine line of being "friendly" and "too friendly". If only things were clear-cut and people knew if someone just wanted to be platonic friends and not something else.

Although lately I have been feeling especially lonely, and I have been falling into that "if I only had a boyfriend..." way of thinking. Maybe that means I should lower my prereqs/standards/expectations a little. I don't know.
I do know that I need to fix myself a bit before I ever begin a relationship.

My friend feels that way especially as she is surrounded by couples. She was also saying that perhaps one should have 'practice relationships' with people she knew she wouldn't end up with so that she would be more experienced when it comes to 'the relationship'. I told her that the experience gained from a relationship with the wrong person wouldn't be the experience needed to prepare her for the experience with the right person. One could argue this point as I have taken it to the extreme but experience gained from interacting with people are based on the type of person the other person is.

If you know that you need to 'fix yourself' then you should probably do that before starting a relationship, unless being in a relationship could potentially help to 'fix you'.

 

[Sela]

Maybe that means I should lower my prereqs/standards/expectations a little. I don't know.

DO. NOT. DO. THIS.
While compromise is part of any healthy relationship, do not lower your standards. You are special just the way you are, and the right person will eventually see and appreciate that.

 

[Rhee]

How old were you when you started dating more seriously?

I've never been NOT serious when I date. I've always been serious about about the person that I'm with, and serious about the relationship. I've done half-assed jobs on rare occasions, but I've never done a half-assed relationship because there's another person involved in it who happens to be important to myself.

A few of my ISTJ friends seem very focused and don't let men get in the way of their goals until they are ready. Like they will schedule them in to their lives. One is now at the settling down stage in her life, but the other has never been serious about guys, nor does she seem to want to be any time soon (which is fine).

I understand where that's coming from. We take our own futures pretty seriously; establishing a secure, satisfactory livelihood early on is something that we strive to do.
On the other hand, I personally think that finding love is something just as important in life. One has to 'work at it' just as rigorously, too - I had to learn to get up off my arse and actively keep searching for the right person (because she wouldn't just come along if you sit and wait... you have to find her), invest time and effort, undergo trial-and-error, and eventually learn to be better at dating. By better I mean how I conduct myself around the other person, communicate, express my feelings, 'quarrel well' and 'make up well' (for the lack of a better word).

Mutual love and respect is the basis of any romantic relationship, but in addition one would have to know these specifics in order to make it a strong, lasting one. Experience makes you recognize the right person when s/he comes, too. And you're freer to make mistakes the younger that you are, IMO, so it might be a good idea for anyone to keep the window of opportunity open, so to speak. Younger ISTJs should focus on establishing their careers, but not eliminate all possibilities of dating altogether. I for one have never regretted the time I spent crushing on someone, confessing love, dating, falling in love, falling out of love, having my heart broken, getting depressed, getting elated, courting, entering into a relationship etc etc. It made me grow as a person, and I've always been a sucker for love.

 

[Wake]

I've never been NOT serious when I date. I've always been serious about about the person that I'm with, and serious about the relationship. I've done half-assed jobs on rare occasions, but I've never done a half-assed relationship because there's another person involved in it who happens to be important to myself.

Probably applies to more than just Rhee here.

We are purposeful and don't like to just consider a significant other just a temporary game we are playing till we grow bored and move on. That seems like it should tug on the conscience of people but sadly it doesn't.

 

[Wake]

Maybe that means I should lower my prereqs/standards/expectations a little. I don't know.

*hits you over the head with newspaper* bad, BAD NOSILLA!

 

[Sunflower]

I am 25 and have never been in a dating relationship.

High school - focused on studies, parent said no boyfriends & I followed that rule (I don't think I wanted one anyway).
18 - 20 - focused on further education.
20 - 25 - focused on job, moving house, etc - liked maybe 3 guys, liked the idea of them asking me out, but they not seem interested. Enjoying my own space!! :crazy:

Am now liking the idea of a relationship, but haven't really taken any steps to make it happen... will soon I think though... maybe. I think I'll get a dog first! :wink: