[giraffe11]

Female INFP here. Had a brief fling with a male INTP. It was intense and fun. We live in different states and don't keep in touch.

I might be pregnant and am making a doctor's appointment to confirm. Now I am mentally/emotionally preparing for a possible talk.

What would your reactions be?

All questions welcome.

Edit: I'm 30. He's 32.

 

[feeg1]

I'd ask for time to think. I'd guess most other INTPs would as well. Once he's thought it through a logical response is likely.

 

[angelcat]

I agree with feeg1, tell him about it and give him time to think about it; don't pressure him for an answer immediately (do that, and you'll stress out his inferior Fe).

 

[that]

I'd fucking run as fast as possible and hide under a very large, extremely heavy boulder.

 

[feeg1]

I'd fucking run as fast as possible and hide under a very large, extremely heaving boulder.

But since the boulder is heaving wouldn't it be easier to find you?

(The informal definition of heaving is extremely crowded)

 

[that]

But since the boulder is heaving wouldn't it be easier to find you?

(The informal definition of heaving is extremely crowded)

This is the best typo I've made in a while.

 

[anarchitektur]

What would your reactions be?

I think my immediate reaction would be your standard, run-of-the-mill heart attack. Assuming I survived that, I'd probably follow up with some pacing and hyperventilating for a while, and then for the encore, sit in a catatonic state for a few hours.

After I took care of all that, the initial reaction of sheer terror would start to subside, bringing me to a state of unmitigated panic instead. Eventually, my brain would regain the capacity for rational thought and I'd be able to ask the pressing question, "Are you sure?"

But, then again, I'm only 30... maybe in two years the thought of becoming a parent won't terrify me like it does now.

 

[giraffe11]

Anarchitektur, thanks for taking my question seriously. I like the sequence of automatic reactions and thought process. Well, not 'like' as in something I'd want to impose on other people. I appreciate the description. Now I can plan for giving the INTP plenty of time and space to cope with his own emotions. I can only imagine that he'd want to panic in the comfort of his privacy, and have lots of time to do it.

I've anticipated that "are you sure" question. If I were my younger INFP-self, I'd probably feel hurt that I was even asked that. Now that I'm older, I can see it as a legitimate question that is at least a little related to the fear/panic. Thank god I'm not my younger self.

So my next question is... what kinds of thoughts would you have next?

 

[anarchitektur]

So my next question is... what kinds of thoughts would you have next?

One of the things that makes me panic the most is having to make decisions based on incomplete information... and the panic I described previously would be the result of having a "bomb" dropped on me-- a single piece of emotionally-charged, theretofore unknown information which causes my brain to spin out of control, filling in all manner of inferences for all conceivable eventualities and their consequences, which basically results in my brain becoming overloaded as it processes that deluge of information (that's the catatonic state).

So, leaving off from that point, I find myself at a cross-roads. I see what the potential outcomes are. I have a pretty good idea of what each entails. But I'm still paralyzed, because I'm missing vital information. Namely, what your thoughts are. When I hear those, corrections can be made... clarity begins to form. The fog of panic (which is still very present, mind you) begins to dissipate.

Now I'm ready to have a conversation that resembles something of coherence rather than the gurgling sounds of someone in the throes of a mild stroke.

So, to answer your question more directly: I, personally, would want to hear your thoughts before I share mine because until I have, my thoughts are still not solidified. The INTP gift/curse is that all thoughts have a transience... in light of new information, we can totally forsake everything we thought we knew previously. Things I would want to know from you would be like: do you plan to keep the baby? If yes, what level of involvement do you want/need/expect from me? And I'd probably ask one last time, for clarity's sake, "You're really, really sure that you're pregnant?"

 

[giraffe11]

I see what the potential outcomes are. I have a pretty good idea of what each entails. But I'm still paralyzed, because I'm missing vital information. Namely, what your thoughts are. When I hear those, corrections can be made... clarity begins to form. The fog of panic (which is still very present, mind you) begins to dissipate.

...

I, personally, would want to hear your thoughts before I share mine because until I have, my thoughts are still not solidified. The INTP gift/curse is that all thoughts have a transience... in light of new information, we can totally forsake everything we thought we knew previously.

I liked the way you described the transition. I experience that too, for better or worse. I work and revise my thoughts, feelings, and actions based on what the other person or group has to say.

Things I would want to know from you would be like: do you plan to keep the baby? If yes, what level of involvement do you want/need/expect from me? And I'd probably ask one last time, for clarity's sake, "You're really, really sure that you're pregnant?"

At this stage, I can't answer these questions for myself. I plan to spend a good deal of time contemplating as many relevant questions as possible (and coming up with answers) before I approach the INTP with any sort of conversation or news.

 

[AijA]

At this stage, I can't answer these questions for myself. I plan to spend a good deal of time contemplating as many relevant questions as possible (and coming up with answers) before I approach the INTP with any sort of conversation or news.

Yes!
And I would strongly suggest to give all important informations at once.

 

[anarchitektur]

At this stage, I can't answer these questions for myself. I plan to spend a good deal of time contemplating as many relevant questions as possible (and coming up with answers) before I approach the INTP with any sort of conversation or news.

For me, it's less important to hear well-prepared answers as it is to hear your thoughts. Answers are ideal, of course, but in the absence of any decision on your part, hearing that you yourself don't know what to do sort of validates my not knowing what to do. Just as long as we're on the same page that we're both out of our depth... that's typically enough for me to be able to start a discussion.

 

[Nordom]

My best friend is an ENFP and he was in a similar situation though he was maybe 21 and she was 18. For 13 years he had no contact with his son and had no idea where he even lived though paid child support. Then he ended up getting married and his wife eventually encouraged him enough to try and reach out. They now regularly visit each other and both parties are very happy they got in touch. This is probably the rather best case scenario. You mentioned that you are both older so he may have a much more mature outlook and understand his responsibilities.

My personal reaction would depend on what I thought the % chance of you getting pregnant were.
If I thought it couldn't possibly happen, I would probably freak out and then either completely cut off contact for a while at least (being either VERY angry or completely baffled or a mixture of both).
If there was no protection and we both knew that then I would definitely assume some sort of responsibility and mostly feel like I was at your mercy for whatever decision you made. I'd eventually just live with that decision if it really was just a fling or try and rationalize if it was more than just a fling.

 

[giraffe11]

For me, it's less important to hear well-prepared answers as it is to hear your thoughts. Answers are ideal, of course, but in the absence of any decision on your part, hearing that you yourself don't know what to do sort of validates my not knowing what to do. Just as long as we're on the same page that we're both out of our depth... that's typically enough for me to be able to start a discussion.

Oh wow, didn't expect to hear that. I thought my not knowing would add to the panic... so thanks for pointing this out. I know that this is what you would personally feel, yet this information seems helpful.

 

[giraffe11]

If there was no protection and we both knew that then I would definitely assume some sort of responsibility and mostly feel like I was at your mercy for whatever decision you made. I'd eventually just live with that decision if it really was just a fling or try and rationalize if it was more than just a fling.

It was this.

 

[anarchitektur]

Oh wow, didn't expect to hear that. I thought my not knowing would add to the panic... so thanks for pointing this out. I know that this is what you would personally feel, yet this information seems helpful.

It certainly wouldn't assuage my panic, but, it wouldn't make me panic more. Like they say, there's safety in numbers... so if we're both clueless, then at least we're in good company. That's my rationale, anyway.

 

[passmethecookies]

I'd only go into full panic mode once I am sure the baby is mine. But then, I'm a woman and no matter what they say, we tend to be more pragmatic in this sort of situation.


ETA: Just in case, I'm not implying anything about you and your specific situation.

 

[giraffe11]

I'd only go into full panic mode once I am sure the baby is mine.

This is a legitimate fear.

I'd only go into full panic mode once I am sure the baby is mine. But then, I'm a woman and no matter what they say, we tend to be more pragmatic in this sort of situation.

What would be going through your mind during and after panic mode?

 

[passmethecookies]

This is a legitimate fear.




What would be going through your mind during and after panic mode?

Well, in case the woman decides to have the baby, not taking responsibility is not an option for me so, during the panic attack, I'd have mostly selfish fears: I'll be a dad now, my way of life may be disrupted, my independence may be thwarted, the plans I have will have to be ajusted to the needs of the child, etc. After the panic mode, I'd stil hold fears but not longer selfish: Will I be able to provide for that child as I think a parent should? Would I be capable of helping raise a good person? Will I be a good dad or a lousy one? What if what I think it's good for the child isn't from the mother's perspective? Will I live up to the task? etc.

I think in cases like this (casual relationships) it's the woman's right to decide entirely, so I wouldn't interfere with her choice, I'd only try to make sure she's thought it through. In other cases (more established and/or long term relationships) I think the man deserves to at least have a say, but that's just my personal view. I accept that others may not see it that way.

 

[giraffe11]

Some more hypothetical questions to prepare myself...

Let's say the question of paternity was out of the way. For men, would you be blunt and suggest an abortion?

If the woman was on the fence but decided to keep the child and left involvement levels up to you, what would you decide?