[Anahata]

Hello there! I'm writing because I need help and insight from the scientists about another of your tribe. I'm going to make an extreme effort to be concise and effective.

Here's the situation:

I met this INTJ when he first came to the place he works at now. I studied with him for a time and I cultivated the hope that someday we'd be friends, both of us being in committed relationships, and though I find him attractive cheating is abhorrent to both of us.

March of when I'm studying with him: he starts going through a divorce. He never said one word about the divorce, but I knew what was happening to him all the same. I couldn't reach out though because of his silence.

September of last year: he comes back off of summer with no wedding band, I ask for his friendship. I'm still married. I'm still very much sensing that this would be a fulfilling relationship for me because of the compatibility of our personalities. Most of last year was spent grieving for him and he shut me out. We went out a few times, but there was little or no interaction.

This summer: my own relationship dissolves under my feet, and I struggle with the horrible decision of staying or leaving.

This September everything for the INTJ has changed as regards the silence he has given me. I'm his friend, he texts me, asks me out with him, spars with me, is sensitive and kind in every regard.

Three weeks ago I filed for divorce, and I told him about it. Ever since then he has kept up a steady stream of kindness and openness: extreme openness. "Call me anytime." "Come over and stay at my place." He starts letting me into his life in ways I can sense he doesn't allow others in. I'm grieving and hurting so I permit it. The strangest thing is the level of communication has tripled and the openness of the subject matter has also tripled. I can sense that he doesn't give that to many people either.

Recently in a passing conversation amongst other acquaintances he observes to me that he'll never consider a former student for a relationship that's romantic. Last night while he was helping me pack at my house, I decided to ask which category I fit into. "Former student... But I hope that's not the only category. You're certainly a great friend, a colleague, an alumna, etc."

Please help me! What does this man want? Is he being sincere? Is this normal for INTJ's to give such openness in one sense and then for safety's sake hold the relationship at a distance?

Just in clarification: I don't need a romantic relationship right now, anyways!!! I'm in so much agony I can't think about anything outside of surviving, but I find myself compelled to post this if only to understand what this person wants from me, if he's being honest with me, and to get a read on how I should act in order to keep this "friendship" from also falling apart.

Thank you in advance for any insight you could give me. :dry:

 

[calliope]

We can have strong beliefs that are the opposite of what we want and not know it. He may not know his emotion. He may have formulated the belief of not being with a student and not be able to see the grey areas or exceptions to the rule. It may a belief that is not updated. He may have a time lag and won't know what he feels until some time in the future.. Sometimes we can't read our own body language or our own actions even though to others it is obvious what we feel. Or he may be not decided on if he wants to be with you that way and needs more time or way less pressure and is giving you the message to not have expectations and let it fall whichever way it falls. There is no way to know.

Anything wrong with becoming very close friends with him and getting your emotional relationship needs met without the verbal reassurance of the romantic element? Some people fear rebound relationships. Any possibility that your feelings for him were a subconcious way for you to be able to leave your marriage with less pain/more security knowing there was the possibility of future a relationship?

 

[jbking]

Just a guess...

None of us, aside from him, can know what he wants. However, there are a couple of different scenarios that are quite possible here to my mind:

1. Close friend - He has let you into his world and wants to be close to you. The openness and kindness are sincere in that he is seeing a friend who is hurting and wants to help. There may be some distance if you aren't as open back in a sense, as by letting you to the degree you are there is a price for that. Another way to picture this is to consider that he may think of you like a sister whom he respects, appreciates, etc. Thus, you do have the kind of relationship that may be hard to break here.

2. Possible girlfriend/wife - This is another possibility where his remark about not being romantic with a former student had a few more qualifiers on it than he stated. By not being only in that category, you are possibly someone he'd date but there is something missing from going down this route yet.

I don't think the friendship will fall apart unless you shut him out so much that he doesn't want to be near you. He likes being around you and having you in his life, that's how I see it.

 

[Anahata]

Anything wrong with becoming very close friends with him and getting your emotional relationship needs met without the verbal reassurance of the romantic element? Some people fear rebound relationships. Any possibility that your feelings for him were a subconcious way for you to be able to leave your marriage with less pain/more security knowing there was the possibility of future a relationship?

Nothing wrong with it whatsoever! It's confusing to me is all... In my own eyes (and it's terribly hard to admit this) I have no future with this man-- at least what's foreseeable to me. I suppose that there is a slight chance in the realm of possibility... But it is so incredibly tiny. I am going away to grad school soon, he's staying here, we may never be in the same vicinity again as long as we live. I did not leave my marriage hoping for this man as a life partner. I left my marriage knowing that I had no life partner there, I was living a farce and that neither I nor my husband would be healthy if I stayed any longer.

I tell you what, though. I am so grateful for my friend. He's a genuinely good person, and I don't meet many of those in the RW. Thank you for your input.

 

[ertertwert]

I'd say don't think about it too much. He wants to be your friend and likewise with you. Just follow the ride and let it go wherever it leads.

 

[curious0610]

i agree. follow the flow and see where it goes. ironic i'm saying this because i also analyze every little thing! but regardless of his intentions, just be clear in your intentions. i found that once i clarified what i wanted, it was easier to step back and just go with the flow and see where things went from there. nothing to lose right? friend or more, as long as you are sure of your own intentions and give each other respect for the other's decisions, i think all is well!

 

[Expat in Japan]

Hello there! I'm writing because I need help and insight from the scientists about another of your tribe. ...

Please help me! What does this man want? Is he being sincere? Is this normal for INTJ's to give such openness in one sense and then for safety's sake hold the relationship at a distance?

Just in clarification: I don't need a romantic relationship right now, anyways!!! ...

Thank you in advance for any insight you could give me. :dry:

Decide what you want and take the relationship that direction.

And/or: Ask him.

 

[Jomama]

Like the others, I couldn't begin to presume what's going on in his mind, but his comment regarding romantic relationships with former students speaks volumes. It seems he wishes to remain friends at this time.