[Amarose]

So you can either say I've had a bad night or an enlightening night, but let me tell you what has been going on.

I've been trying to figure out if there's a reason behind the way I behave and react, and I thought I had it for once, Avoidant Personality Disorder, butI must have been mistaken. This isn't the first time I've looked at specific disorders, but I sually end up saying "no, that's not me, so that doesn't fit." Well, I asked my mom to read the description and give me feedback, she responded by saying this "I suppose it fits, but why do you keep wanting to find something wrong with you?" Well, either that sent me over the edge or it opened my eyes to what was actually going on, that I'm just being an idiot trying to find answers in something that shouldn't be an answer.

Well, that's the rundown of what's been going on recently, but here's more. So, I removed myself AGAIN from a kind of online support group and told the person I talk to there that I'm never coming back again and proceeded to remove everything from my profile. I also proceeded to post on facebook that I'm "ready to bend to others"

Now, I've done stuff like this before, sometimes even more intense. I would lash out, remove myself from everything that I seemed to hold dear and disconnect myself from others that i was even remotely close to. I go to extremes when I can't handle things, but why do I go to these extremes (extreme may not be as bad to you as I seem to be portraying it as btw). This is what I would describe as becoming increasingly impulsive, and I can't stop myself, I have this mentality that it needs to be done, that it's the right thing to do. Or I also have the mentality that I don't deserve any of the stuff or people I just disconnected from.

I'm sure there's much more to this, just can't think of it at this very moment.

So what the heck is wrong with me? Please ask questions, anything, it doesn't matter to me, and if I don't want to answer I simply won't, but I usually do. What do you all think?

 

[Marac]

I'm sure that there is less wrong with you than what you think.

We all have our flaws and we all have our problems. It is pretty human to handle on our impulses and the fact you removed yourself from the support group probably just means that you probably felt an urge to distance yourself from it.

So, you are normal. Welcome to the club! :kitteh:

 

[Jewl]

It could be you are "normal" (how do you even define normal?), but due to circumstances and feelings and basically life, you feel as though something is wrong with you. You could just be very off. Stressed, whatever. It could be a lot of things. Maybe something is "wrong" with you. I know I have a friend, a very good friend, who recently went through a stage where she was "avoidant" during school. She got very depressed. It definitely effected her. However, it was due to the circumstances. Her age, pressure, stress, her parents, just life that built up. Her own worries. It took some time, but she got over this and bounced back.

@Amarose, you may want to consider attempting to answer your mom's question. Tell her about it. Tell her your concerns. You could go to a psychologist or something, you know, if you are that concerned. I'm afraid there's only so much advice I can give you. I hope that everything turns out for you. ^^

 

[Amarose]

@Julia Bell thanks for putting "normal" in quotation marks for one thing LOL, I actually hate the word "normal" to me it equals boring, mundane, uninteresting, so I don't use that word unless to describe something like "this food looks normal" LOL

I did answer my mom's question, saying I just wanted to find answers, but then I sort of snapped and told her nevermind, that she's right, that I'll bend to her. Yeah, last night I really snapped LOL.

I guess I just hate the feeling of "normal" it's so boring, it's not worth anything to me, but what can I do?

I"ll probably never see another therapist, but that wouldn't change anything anyways would it, since apparently nothing is wrong. Guess I just need to vent here. That I want to lose all sanity, lose all worries, all stress, all nonsense, to ignore the world around me and just lose it. Maybe I'm just bored, that's probably it, I'm probably just really bored.

Well, I'm not sure what to say, so................ yeah.

 

[LadyO.W.BernieBro]

Typology has explained more for me than any diagnosis ever could.

But, some people truly have a disorder. I don't know, you sound like you feel you can't control your actions sometimes. To me that means you're not "defective" or anything, but would probably benefit from therapy or some kind of treatment to at least make you feel more stable.

There are a lot of things I've learned about myself through MBTI, most of the types will share traits with at least one of these disorders, lots of people who have those traits still don't need a diagnosis IMO but some would truly benefit.

 

[MsCheshire]

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? If you are under say...22 - I wouldn't worry so much about it. If you are over 22, you may want to see a psychiatrist and see if they think you have bipolar disorder. I say over 22, because I have two daughters and as a woman myself, know that when I was teen - I didn't always think or act rationally - they don't always either. The way I was then is light years from who I was even 5 short years later. But if you are older and this is happening, that can be a sign of a chemical imbalance. It's actually quite common, and usually shows itself in people in their early 20s. It's not something that you can control or something to feel ashamed of...just make sure you see a psychiatrist and not a general doctor.

 

[Amarose]

@MsCheshire I'm 20 years old, and my mom has told me that bipolar has been known to show itself in our family. I don't think I've gotten that far, but I know what you're getting at.

I've seen a psych before, they pointed me at to a therapist (things like anxiety). So I saw two therapists (different times), and each time pretty much freaked out and stopped seeing them, saying to myself that I wasn't worth their time, that others deserved my slot more, and that they couldn't help me at all.

 

[MsCheshire]

@MsCheshire I'm 20 years old, and my mom has told me that bipolar has been known to show itself in our family. I don't think I've gotten that far, but I know what you're getting at.

I've seen a psych before, they pointed me at to a therapist (things like anxiety). So I saw two therapists (different times), and each time pretty much freaked out and stopped seeing them, saying to myself that I wasn't worth their time, that others deserved my slot more, and that they couldn't help me at all.

There are tons of online bipolar self tests that you can take. Read up about it and go to a psychiatrist with an exact list of your symptoms. Esp if you have a family history. A therapist can't help you. If it is a chemical imbalance, only medication can help. That is why seeing a brain doctor (psychiatrist) is so important. To be put on the wrong meds or misdiagnosed can make things FAR FAR FAR worse if you do have bipolar. The good news, if you look at it that way, is the bipolar is all chemicals. The right medication can make a huge difference.

 

[Bear987]

About you trying to find out whether there's a reason behind the way you behave: there is. There's always a reason for the things we do or say and how we do or say them. Even if we are not aware of them, humans set (themselves) goals they'd like to achieve. We become less aware of these goals when either our own conscience or environmental pressure (parental or peer) tell us that the goals we set ourselves are undesirable, uncool or just plain wrong.

So instead of wondering whether there's a reason, know that there is and start wondering about what goals you are (unconsciously) trying to achieve. Don't write yourself off too quickly by assuming that you must have been setting yourself some lousy objectives; sometimes a shortage of realistic goals is what sends us drifting - we all are only human. Setting yourself some realistic, short-term goals could be a good way to get some grip fast.

When trying to understand, or type yourself - it is important to realize that humans are build in a way that actually prevents them from looking at themselves. We had to invent mirrors to see ourselves more clearly. The way our eyes are set up however, does allow us to take a good look at others around us. That's why a therapist, but also your mother or your peers, can be a huge help to you when you strive to understand yourself better.

I reckon your mother's words (why do you keep wanting to find something wrong with you?) illustrate quite well what I just said. Your mother's instinct to look for patterns in your behavior (notice how she said "keep", apparently you have been at this for a while) is actually what a decent therapist would do also. Patterns in behavior are important, because they're undeniable hinting at the goals you've set yourself. To reach any goal, specific behavior is needed - and only until you've reached your goal (read: when you get what you wanted all along), this specific behavior will stop popping up.

You say you also keep removing yourself from support groups. How come? What does this behavior tell you about yourself? To answer these questions more effectively, try to look at your own behavior as if it were somebody else's. This will prevent feelings of embarrassment, guilt or shame to interfere with your thinking. So, how come somebody would keep removing themselves from a support group, only to sign up for another one shortly after? What does that say about that person?

Next to those questions, think about these also: What difference would it make to you, if and when you find out that there's definitely something wrong with you? In what ways will a specific prognosis help you? When answering these, or similar questions, remember to project your thoughts and behavior onto someone else (make someone up in your mind) to avoid the restraints that possible embarrasment, shame or guilt put on your thinking.

Hang in there!

 

[Amarose]

@Bear987 I am so so sorry I didn't see your post until recently (I have no clue how that happened actually lol). I see what you're saying, but trying to apply that makes it all seem ridiculous. Maybe my "goals are stupid ones, maybe I've already identified them. I think in my mind different or strange mentality makes someone more interesting, and I find myself entirely uninteresting. That's one part of it. As for the original post, and the disconnecting from others (including, friends, family, groups, therapists, so on), I think that has to do with not being able to handle stress effectively, instead I want to run away from it all (this I've pretty much already figured out). That ineffective handling of stress and confusion can cause me to do impulsive-like things, as absolutely pathetic and uninteresting as that sounds.

Now, let me take a stab at your questions

About removing myself from groups (was never in a support group actually, this was a common interest group), why would I do it, again ineffective handling of stress, trying to get away from other things/people that can cause stress. At the time of the removal from that group I was dealing with severe money stress, so it snapped in my mind and I disconnected, avoiding basically. If you meant this to the therapist thing, how I've had two and removed myself from both. Again I think it was stress and thoughts that all of it was ridiculous, that nothing was being helped because there was no actual issue, just poor coping strategies for stress, so the things I said felt false while still being true, but they weren't necessarily true in the context I put them in.

I noticed the other day this poor stress handling when I snapped at my friend and from a tiny argument over buying tickets to an event I felt like breaking off the 7 year friendship we've had because I couldn't handle the stress the argument brought.

Poor stress handling and obssessions with psychology seem to have screwed with my mind. Maybe I just want a name, a much more interesting name (I have that obssession with being interesting too lol) to explain behaviours, to feel like there's a need, a reason for the support and help that could be so beneficial to me. Without those, maybe it just feels pointless, like I have to figure it out by myself because there's no real reason for me to be there, no "label" that can be helped. That's the difference it would make to me, it would give me a valid reason to ask others to help me learn better ways to cope, to manage (and maybe get over the stupid obsessions).

 

[Bear987]

@Amarose Hi! It's fine you didn't answer right away, I don't check my "mentions" every day either (yes, I do) nor do I reply straight away to them (I mostly do). I am kidding - it's fine, because the questions were meant to help your thinking along; you don't owe me anything. That doesn't mean that I am indifferent to your answers or the fact that you replied - cause I read your latest post twice and am still thinking about it right now

(Un)funny thing is, I can relate to wanting to be more interesting and also about being interested in psychology and feeling like a fraud when talking about myself. Just yesterday I wondered if I just haven't been successful at constructing a well-defined personality - cause I don't have answers to questions like: who am I, or what do I want to do in life. This is what mostly keeps me obsessing over psychology or psy related information. I don't care for particular disorders however - I would like to define things my own way.

So, right now I wonder, do you think of yourself as someone with a well integrated personality? A sound structure that makes you you, and that has all the answers to questions about the self, like the ones I mentioned earlier (who am I, what are my passions, where do I want to go, what type of relation am I looking for, where do I want to work, what am I good at - etc.)

 

[RamblingMan]

.

 

[Amarose]

@Bear987 Thanks for replying

Let's see, do I consider myself as someone with a well integrated personality? Not really LOL (as is the never-ending struggle of the enneagram type 9) I don't know for certain what makes me who I am, I know things I like to do, but does that define me? I don't often stick with those things for a very long time, so I guess they don't fully define me.

I do a lot of self-reflection, but feel I've not even touched the surface yet, that there must be more to me, and I wonder if I'll ever find those answers, if I'll ever be able to dive even deeper and reach the knowledge and satisfaction I seek.

Maybe in the twisted corners of my mind, having a name to describe behaviours, thoughts, and desires is something equal to finding answers to these questions that are asked, like it'll help define who I am so I can stop wondering so much. I think that's a possibility lol.

Well, the search continues LOL

 

[StElmosDream]

@Amarose
I honestly can't help but wonder if you feel trapped by your existing lifestyle choices and feel unsure how to cope with stresses or anxieties present in life; in contrast I am uncertain whether or not the absence of life focus or goals are keeping you anchored to aspects of life you may feel unhappy with in some way*... if you ever wish to do problem causation brainstorming with me I would happily accept PM's.

*Admittedly a lack of information is provided, but I get the sense that your avoidance periods or unplanned changes of mood may be your bodies way of telling you either there is something undiagnosed causing stress or boiling-over points that your not picking up upon, just possibly. However I may be wrong about your stress triggers and there effects, yet it is harder to identify in such public settings where people may be inclined to filter out aspects... moreso when the information age has made self diagnosis easier, often telling us less.

 

[Amarose]

@StElmosDream I will tell you I do feel trapped by my current lifestyle (not that it's necessarily my choice, it's just societies rules as well as the lack of money to do other things that I actually want to do). I do have life focus and goals, I am going to university to get a degree in education, but maybe there's that underlying thought that it's basically a requirement now and that annoys me.

I would love to do that problem causation brainstorming with you though, just pm me I like having someone to talk to and brainstorm with.

I keep wondering if there's an underlying, un-diagnosed issue as well, but I keep having that idea shot down so I try not to bother with it, but obviously I'm still searching. Whatever is going on, hopefully it can be helped, even if just finding better ways to handle stress without having to blow my top and lose my mind (even if just for a while).