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Discussion Starter #1
First of all I hope no one will feel offended by this, these are just my observations and Im asking outta curiosity

Pretty much all INFPs (male or female) honesty long for a romantic romantic relationship, with both parties being super in love, real love and being healthy and able to be completely themselves etc. the One basically, but so many are and/or stay too long & frequently in crappy relationships.

Before I got together with my INFP baby, she was always in relationships with either unhealthy dudes or ones that just wanted a girlfriend or sb to fuck or whatever (from what I witnessed and what she told me).
I never did that, in fact I went to the other extreme where I missed out on a lot of experiences because I wasnt interested if she wasnt the one, at least potentially (not unusual XNFJ behavior). If I could go back now with more maturity, I would've taken certain opportunities, but still I dont really care too much, none of them really mattered, thats why I never made a move, so I dont regret anything saying single the whole time I would never even think about trading that in for crappy relationships. Iono, it also kinda fucks up my ideal of what a real relationship is supposted to be, it'd be impossible to not feel like I'd be lying to myself and the girl.

But my GF changed now that she's a lil older, after her last abusive relationships she stayed single over a year until she started with me, so maybe thats more younger/immature INFP behavior (I almost feel like XNFPs go through the most changes post-adolescence).

Im just irritated because yall are so loyal and committed, caring partners & so idealistic, but then you settle for less in relationships.

It really seams to be about personality because I see yall doing this all the time, and
while NFJs are just as idealistic when it comes to their romantic relationships, they much much rarer settle for less, they just stay single until the right one shows up and thats that.
Why is it so hard for yall to wait? Or do you struggle with believing youll find / deserve better?

again not trying to personally offend anybody
 

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I haven't been in a relationship yet, but I often find myself thinking how I might have to settle for less. That probably sounds sad haha but yes, it's for that reason exactly. I don't think I'll be able to find the person I'll get to completely be myself around or tell my true feelings to. I know relationships--or people for that matter--can't be and aren't perfect, which is something I willingly accept. But someone who won't judge or mock me, who won't make me feel the need to hide... Haha.

Actually, it's funny that I say so because I'm absolutely not interested in being in any kind of human relationship like that (where less is settled for). But I do find myself with that thought.

Also, none taken.
 

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Well, I'm not offended by your post. You don't need to sugarcoat things. We usually appreciate honesty and authenticity and as long as you don't deliberately try to hurt us, we're cool ;)

the One basically, but so many are and/or stay too long & frequently in crappy relationships.
I'm guilty of this as well. I've been thinking for a long time about why I was in unhealthy relationships for so long in the past.
There are probably many reasons for this:

a) Low self-esteem is something that the INFP typically has to deal with in young adulthood. The self-esteem problem can be often explained by looking at our dominant functions. I won't go into too much depth here but say that our low-self-esteem in younger years leads us to stick to unhealthy relationships. This can be overcome later in life by moving on, broadening our horizons, going on adventures, and creating new memories that help us to rewrite our history and let go of the past. We usually develop from that a sense of optimism and positive self-worth which brings us later into a position where we are much quicker willing to end an unhealthy relationship.
b) Our fear of conflicts unnecessarily extends unhealthy relationships. INFPs can be very charming which hinders us to clearly communicate "It's over!" I don't know if all INFPs do, but I've tried for a long time to make even toxic relationships work out which is wrong because nobody deserves to be treated like a piece of crap.
c) Due to extraverted thinking (Te) function, past pain and the feeling to be inferior, we can be caught in a loop where we overthink everything.
e) We are full of paradoxes and I also made the mistake of not trusting my intuition enough in the past. I had relationships with men who seemed literally perfect on paper. My Intuition warned me very early on and signaled that something was off. Somehow my thinking function popped in and grouched: "What else do you want? He's perfect. Come on, give him a chance"... I've learned from that. If my gut feeling tells me that something is wrong, there is usually a very good reason for it behind.

Why is it so hard for yall to wait? Or do you struggle with believing youll find / deserve better?
Trust me. I can wait. ;) I don't wanna have a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. It is a complete waste of time. Time and energy are way better invested differently (see point a) "adventures"). This has perhaps nothing to do with INFPs, but I have seen that younger people are more willing to compromise and have to try themselves out to know what they really want later in life.

I hope my answer makes sense. May you enjoy a good day.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
@taixfai
See, we idealistic types often get told our problem is idealisation and unrealistic expectations. Which is kinda true, but not really. The idealisation is a problem, in that you dont see whats really there but what you'd like to see, that is overcome though simply through more life experience. While our high expectations are nothing but a strength, if applied correctly, and when it comes to romantic relationships thats where I see NFJs doing it better than NFPs (who usually figure this only out way after adolescene).
Finding the right one is not too much to ask for. It's exactly what you're supposted to do.
Finding the person you'll get to completely be yourself around or tell your true feelings is exactly what you should be aiming for, thats not a fault thats the purpose of an ideal. You shouldnt beat yourself for not having that ideal relationship yet, but you should never think that aiming for the Ideal is a problem. If you dont aim too high you aim too low - J. Cole, lol.

Yes perfection isnt real, but finding the right one A) still is not perfection. Most importantly it takes two healthy Individuals as well as lots of work and plain luck. And for all you know they could be hit by truck tomorrow. Or they have to move away to due to their career. Or fall for somebody else they love even more than you. Or you make mistakes in the relationship. Or or or or. It's never perfect, even when you find the perfect one... And B) it won’t feel real anyways lol trust me. Still cant believe somebody like my girlfriend exists AND actually feels the same way about me. Feels literally like a dream... come true.

@Daughter of Elysium
So you too think its immaturity and low self esteem? = meaning 99% of young INFPs lol.

And you say you can definitely wait but it's just you got "tricked" into thinking somebody is somebody they actually weren't.
Thats again a sign of an immature, young Empath. But you mentioned your long history of bad relationships (again the common theme, you were younger). Thats just so foreign to me. See, what could happen to me is I'd enter a toxic relationship but I dont know yet its toxic (probably not anymore though since I learned). But that was A) always friendships not romantic relationships. And B) the moment I'd realize whats going on I'm out. It seams to be like you guys can sometimes stay for so long while being aware that you're not getting what you deserve & they dont deserve you.
It just makes me so sad that so great caring people & partners give their devotion, energy, time, intimacy, love, pleasure, body to people like that. Like you are so great friends, why, being so romantic individuals, not apply this to relationships... Thats where I would especially apply it, more than anywhere else

thank you :) Ill try, you too
 

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@drizzy lake - Your opening post is 100% relatable in the sense that I want and feel similar to how you view romance and how you view other INFPs ..... even though I am INFP myself.

I've seen quite some other INFPs possibly settling for less like you describe it, including my INFP ex I guess. They seemed to move on quite readily while 5+ years later I am still by myself since I haven't found anyone or anything quite to my idealistic romantic taste. Yet, I don't understand how other INFPs do it. At the same time I also know this INFJ female that was 10 years committed to this guy but then decided to quit and move on with a new guy within months and still long term committed (years) to this ''new'' guy. Honestly I cannot fathom this at all. The whole idea of falling in love (or rather, falling in romance) so deeply for someone takes a lot of time and effort (and even more so to unbind it again). How in the world can you get with someone else within a year (heck, even that seems fast).

Of course, the biggest difference is always the one leaving and the one being left behind. Everyone is different though, but the whole notion is something that has been a lifelong question mark for me as well. And yes, I too often wonder whether or not I have squandered opportunities for relationship experiences in the past, but ehh ..... I feel completely like you do on that one. It would feel like a lie, like a fake commitment to someone. Not giving your all and not being able to truly connect with them.

It saddens me though, as i'm sure the other INFPs or whomever that move on with others more readily must surely have fulfilling lives and relationships regardless. It is solely a ''problem'' of the self, rather than of others. I mean, I am the odd one out, not them. So yeah, it leaves me feeling empty-handed and feeling like they are the ones that got away. Ugh ... why must I feel like this? Why can't I just be struck by the ideal romance without it having to be that one in a million?

However ... never settle for less! It is my motto.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Ugh ... why must I feel like this? Why can't I just be struck by the ideal romance without it having to be that one in a million?
Could you eloborate on that part? I aint right get it 😅
Like why is it so hard/rare to find the right one?
 

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Relationships are very difficult for me. Like some have mentioned, self-esteem is an issue for me even into middle age. Due to that, and other reasons, I find myself exceptionally reluctant to approach the opposite sex. I'm certainly not attractive, and can viscerally feel the ick factor from being approached by an unwelcome male. So I either have to be absolutely certain of the other party's interest, or have to be approached by her instead. Neither happens very often.

Despite this, I was in a long-term relationship with an INFJ for eight years. I find online dating services to be easier to navigate - I can just put up a profile and see if anyone is interested. And so we met online. As has been mentioned about INFPs I abhor conflict, and fortunately she felt the same way. We had fights, but they were bizarrely civil and usually pretty rational. It being both of our first real relationship, we kind of had to feel our way through it.

I found that it was important to communicate about problems early before they become festering resentments. And it takes a certain kind of bravery to bring up a subject that can be a "deal-breaker" and end the relationship. But I found it to be necessary to having a good relationship, at least with my INFJ. But we learned to communicate effectively, and we loved each other very much. Sadly, she passed away about 3 years ago.

In the time since, the only serious romantic interest I've noticed has been from a married woman. That's a quagmire I don't want to dive into, and she also seems to have some anger management issues. Either factor alone is enough to dissuade me. So I continue to wait patiently...
 

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Could you eloborate on that part? I aint right get it 😅
Like why is it so hard/rare to find the right one?
That it seems that for other people the chance of ''it'' romantically feeling right for them with someone else is 1 in 100, instead of 1 in 1000000
 

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Discussion Starter #10
That it seems that for other people the chance of ''it'' romantically feeling right for them with someone else is 1 in 100, instead of 1 in 1000000
I'd say, personally, its like 1 in 100 that I'd be attracted to inna way where.. Well I could see doing them. Like 1 in 100 girls. And then its like 1 in 1000 I could see dating.
I mean lets actually do the math.. I live in a city of like 600.000 people, half of them dudes, two thirds of the rest will be too old/young. So thats like 100 left. That ain't thaaat bad.
Then its like I guess 1 in 10000 where I know they're the One and all I ever want.
So thats like a handful... Seams accurate.
But with 1 in 1000000 you are probably a lil exeggerating. :p
If it was that bad sure that be terrible, but its probably not :p
 

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Unsure if it’s settling for less but I have been in relationships that lag on longer than it should have due to the hope of rekindling what was felt at in the beginning of the relationship when I was younger( very young early teen ).
I’m also not that picky when it comes to entering a relationship- if I connect with the person and they amuse me that’s enough for me to enter a relationship- I don’t think long term goals nor would the person I choose to enter relationship with hold any significance beside me wanting to know more about them - it’s upon entering the relationship that connection either gets deeper or not . I notice xnfj once enter a relationship they devote their entire self to that partner which opposes from me ( enfp) however I don’t think this situation is type related. Love doesn’t deal much with cognitive functions or personality type imho


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Discussion Starter #12
Hmmm you said its not type related but then you explained how it is type related?
How you explain NFJs is exactly how I am and most NFJs I know, while you didnt had to tell me your ENFP, bec I already knew, you just described every (young) ENFP I know :p
You're open to the possiblities and just there to explore (Ne), while the NJ cant help but see the long term vision and also knows from the start how its likely going to turn out (Ni)
 

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Hmmm you said its not type related but then you explained how it is type related?
How you explain NFJs is exactly how I am and most NFJs I know, while you didnt had to tell me your ENFP, bec I already knew, you just described every (young) ENFP I know :p
You're open to the possiblities and just there to explore (Ne), while the NJ cant help but see the long term vision and also knows from the start how its likely going to turn out (Ni)
Thats one way to look at it , but from experience with what I’ve observe online and off I’ve seen many enfps who would want to know the person for months before entering a relationship with them and wouldn’t date someone if they think the relationship wouldn’t last , and I’ve and encounter Infjs ( on this site and in real life- like my close guy friend in high school ) who enter relationships on a whim - so you can’t really use functions to describe how one act or approach a relationship . I mean I’ve been with my istp partner since my late teens and that’s supposedly not a norm for enfp or istp


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Thats one way to look at it , but from experience with what I’ve observe online and off I’ve seen many enfps who would want to know the person for months before entering a relationship with them and wouldn’t date someone if they think the relationship wouldn’t last , and I’ve and encounter Infjs ( on this site and in real life- like my close guy friend in high school ) who enter relationships on a whim - so you can’t really use functions to describe how one act or approach a relationship . I mean I’ve been with my istp partner since my late teens and that’s supposedly not a norm for enfp or istp


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Yeah, I know an INFJ who also has 'settled' with someone completely toxic and I'm the one not settling (INFP). I think OP doesn't realise this isn't type-based
 

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I'd say, personally, its like 1 in 100 that I'd be attracted to inna way where.. Well I could see doing them. Like 1 in 100 girls. And then its like 1 in 1000 I could see dating.
I mean lets actually do the math.. I live in a city of like 600.000 people, half of them dudes, two thirds of the rest will be too old/young. So thats like 100 left. That ain't thaaat bad.
Then its like I guess 1 in 10000 where I know they're the One and all I ever want.
So thats like a handful... Seams accurate.
But with 1 in 1000000 you are probably a lil exeggerating. :p
If it was that bad sure that be terrible, but its probably not :p
If you really want accuracy that bad, then you still have a lot of work to do as well ... oh dear.
 
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