[ENTPfemme]

So I was thinking today, what would you INFJ types, be looking for in a close platonic friend relationship. This is theoretical, obviously. We can't walk around with clipboards all day and check things off with people as we meet them in day to day life. But, IF you could go shopping for a friend the way you pick apples at the market, what would be on your top 7 list? Also what is the big deal breaker for you?


I know I'm ENTP but it's my Curiosity with compatibility that has me asking this question.
Here is my top 7 list:

Similar Morality - can't get into stupid arguments with people if we both have similar maps

Reasonableness - if you can prove your point logically, then I might change my mind or at least see another point of view whether I ultimately agree or not

Humility - Goes along with the above, if you are wrong, apologize and move on, low drama is low hassle, low hassle=is low stress

Eccentricity - please be interesting, have interesting hobbies, original ideas, or at the very least, weird hobbies, or I will be bored into stupor. Be an uphill thinker. Life is very short, and I have a lot to learn and do, so I'm not just here for your entertainment. Go rent a movie if you want that.

Intelligence - demonstrated in expression, humour, and wit. In passionate discussions and intelligent actions.

Humour - please laugh if something is funny. Don't be a priss. No one likes a killjoy. If you're being funny, I will feed off that and our relationship will grow and thrive, platonically, obviously

Passion - Do you believe in something? Convince me. Be it by your work(s) or by your commitment, or by your sheer animated expressions. Show me you really believe that thing, or you will never convince anyone it is of any value whatsoever. Least of all me.

Dealbreaker - Intentional Selfish Deception and Duplicity - (aka disgusting)
I could forgive, but it would be difficult to trust again, or take a long time to anyway for me.

 

[Arclight]

I look for people who don't have predetermined lists to judge people against.. I prefer people who allow for the natural dynamics between people to flourish.
For example.. Some people bring out my sense of humor better than others. This is why INFJs like to get one on one with people.. I have something specifically for you. If you come to me with a list.. You have already lost and I guess so have I.

Deal breaker?? People with predetermined lists.

I am being tongue in cheek.. It's just that expectations are the killer of friendships and love.

 

[The Ultimate Square Peg]

Well, I feel a little silly writing this after @Arclight wrote that... But I'm going to do it anyway! Because the truth is, I do have things I look for in a friend, and I'm hard to please. And I also don't have a lot of friends.
...
So.
That being said, here's some things I look for...

-good sense of humor
I know it sounds petty, but I just can't relate to people who don't get my humor. If you can make me laugh, and you think I'm funny, that's enough for me.

-loyalty
This is really important to me...be my friend, and don't go back on it. Don't be friends with my enemies. Don't pretend like you're closer to me than you really are. Stick with me and take my side when I need you.

-trustworthiness
I need to know that anything I tell you stops there. If I hear that you've been talking to someone else about what I've told you, you can bet I won't be telling you things anymore.

-interest (or at least openness) in psychology
It's not so much that I would reject someone who didn't love talking about people and psychology and other things like that, but it makes conversation hard for me, as this is what I love to talk about. Even if you don't already know about things, the interest in it is what's important. If you blow me off when I try to talk about someone's personality, I'm going to have a lot less things to talk to you about.

-honesty
If you lie, I'll leave. Pretty simple.

-intelligence
I want to be able to have a level conversation with you...if you obviously don't get things and can't keep up intellectually, I get bored pretty fast. I don't care if you're a genius...but if you're not somewhat intelligent, I'm probably not going to spend a lot of time getting to know you. (That's harsh. I heard it too.)

-emotional availability
When I need you, I want you to be there for me. When you're upset, I want to be there for you. If we can't be emotional together, I can't get close. And if you're not emotionally available to me, you can bet I won't ever open up to you.

dealbreaker: spiritual agreement
This is likely to offend someone out there, but it's nevertheless true. It's just one of those things I can't compromise.
Yes, that means that I won't get real close to anyone who doesn't agree with me spiritually. Now, I definitely have friends who are in that category. But I don't have close friends who are. When you believe something so deeply and it affects who you are at the core, you need your close relationships to meet you there. Otherwise it's a natural rift in the relationship.

 

[emerald sea]

traits: i want someone i can truly trust, someone compatible with my deepest values.

compatibility is an inimitable *something* that is difficult to narrow down to a list of highly specific traits. my closest friends vary from one another in their traits and their personality types...you just know compatibility when you experience it. it's possible to *click* on a deep level with anyone whose heart is a mirror of your own, even if their outward behavior doesn't mesh with your "list."

i don't think i could stay close friends with anyone who broke my trust in a major way (betrayal). it would be impossible to trust them on the level required for close friendship, again.

 

[SilentScream]

1. Ability to withstand my long disappearances [This is a direct note to some of my friends here that I haven't touched base with in ages]

2. Able to recognize that I put people through "tests" before I let them into my innermost world and that it's a sacred place where only a select few are let in.

3. That sharing my feelings is extremely hard for me, and one of the most sacred gifts I can give someone and once I've done that, I've pretty much bonded with them for life. Being abandoned by someone after telling them about my innermost feelings is like being gutted - being amputated - torn limb for limb and hung out to bleed dry.

Dealbreaker: Don't misjudge me ... don't drain me .. don't force me to do something against my will. Don't attack any of my loved ones. I'll walk away and be gone for good never to be heard from ever again.

 

[angularvelocity]

Humor - A similar sense of humor will always make for a good time and bonding.

Committed - Friends can't always be with friends all the time as we all have our own lives but there should at least be a regular routine of seeing each other to stay connected.

Loyal - Flakely behavior is a no-go for me. Dependable also falls under loyal.

Humility - As OP wrote, ability to be accountable for one's own actions is EXTREMELY important.

Random - I love hearing random jokes or doing spontaneous things.

Intelligence - AS OP STATED.

Dealbreaker - Flakely behavior or something deemed undependable.

 

[Pjb]

I have a large variety of friends with many varying traits, but the one they all hold in common is kindness. Without it, the best we could ever be is acquaintances. It seems to me, that kindness brings the companion qualities of loyality, trustfulness and humility.
There is no qualifying what will make a close friend, it's a spark, a gift.

A truely close friend reflects back to you a better image of yourself.

 

[Owfin]

(Not an INFJ)

I can only really name one trait that I "need" in a friend:

Giving a shit intellectually. You don't have to be super cerebral or smart to think, evaluate, and consider. If you try, it doesn't matter how much of a braniac or a ditz you are.

And the dealbreaker? Intellectual laziness. This can include moral laziness, where you don't care to consider whether your actions are right or not.

 

[Ntuitive]

-Laughs constantly.
-Can talk about something deep.
-Is kind to people.
-Spontaneous.

I'm pretty open to spending time with different kinds of people though.

Some how with my best friend we spend more time laughing than talking. He laughs at everything though, and in the most hysterical way. But we have the same humor so I guess I evoke it out of him. If we have any actual conversations he usually starts them and they're about something deep that's on his mind.

I don't know any deal breakers. The worst thing any friend has done has just been ignoring me intentionally.

 

[SilentScream]

The worst thing any friend has done has just been ignoring me intentionally.

A friend did that to me for 6 months. At first I was devastated. But then I worked up enough anger to go and literally bang down his door. I found out that a racist mutual friend had manipulated him into breaking ties with me. And I also found out another secret which actually allowed us to bond even more deeply. Our friendship has lasted over 16 years despite that experience

Not really relevant to the OP, but I just wanted to share. What I learnt from that experience is that sometimes when it seems like a friend may be ignoring us on purpose --- maybe they're going through such a hard time in their own life that they've withdrawn completely and are waiting for their walls to be breached by an empathic friend.

*sigh* yah .. I'm an Fe dom to the core.