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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have no shame, I know.

I am an INTP female and I really like to be submissive during sex. My husband is not really the dominating type. I have used logic and I asked him to create a schematic for our bedroom (he loves making plans and tinkering). None of this has worked, any suggestions? Or questions?
 

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Just tell him exactly what you want him to do the first few times, and unless he does something way out of line, don't criticize or he'll never want to try it again.

I wonder if wanting to be submissive is an INTP thing lol.
 

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Schematic? Like an architectural schematic? Or like a list of "Kinky Things We Will Do"?

Dan Savage seems to deal with the "I would like/my partner would like to incorporate some BDSM into the bedroom" issue. Archive search over at Seattle's The Stranger (which has the full article archive)?

Something-something try a blindfold, something-something maybe some handcuffs? Something-something would role-play be sexy? Something-something perhaps you can ask him about his fantasies and incorporate one of them into the scene to get the juices flowing?

Also possible: he might not be into kink, but you might as well give it a shot before you give up on it.
 

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Why didn't you discuss this at the beginning of your relationship? When it comes to many turn-ons and turn-offs, you either have them or you don't. Still, power dynamics in the bedroom are very interesting intellectually. Perhaps you can describe to him the psychological and mental significance of it all, and see if that gets him into it. Quid pro quo applies, so even if he doesn't love it he should do it once in a while (same applies to you!), but I wouldn't push it too much.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Why didn't you discuss this at the beginning of your relationship? When it comes to many turn-ons and turn-offs, you either have them or you don't. Still, power dynamics in the bedroom are very interesting intellectually. Perhaps you can describe to him the psychological and mental significance of it all, and see if that gets him into it. Quid pro quo applies, so even if he doesn't love it he should do it once in a while (same applies to you!), but I wouldn't push it too much.
We did, we have been together for 8 years now. People change, tastes change, especially for the curious.
We are really open people, and he says he likes the idea. I do whatever he asks once I get my mind around it.
The power dynamic is what interests me for sure.

I bet you donated him a whip without the necessary 792 pages manual.
I don't like whips, just him being in control and me being immobile. Maybe that is why he's hesitant, because he doesn't have a set of instructions. Probably. Also I don't like it all the time, just sometimes. Mostly I like vanilla sex.

Schematic? Like an architectural schematic? Or like a list of "Kinky Things We Will Do"?
No like figuring out where to put the tie downs.

It's weird, he says yes and gets excited, then just doesn't. I thought maybe this was a INTJ thing, but maybe it's just him.
Thanks for all the input
 

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I don't know if this is an INTJ trait, but I have a very hard time with anything submissive.
It doesn't turn me on at all. I absolutely hate people controlling other people.
Independence turns me on. Mutual gain/fun turns me on.

I would have a very hard time with a submissive sexual wife.

I'm pretty sexual in all other ways. If it feels good, I'm more than game for almost anything. I don't really have any barriers in that sense.

I understand, this might just apply to the bedroom and it's just how you like to have sex, but I'm just saying the submissive thing is not a turn on for me. It might be the same for your husband. As far as I'm concerned, you might as well ask me to pretend I'm having sex with a dead body or a kid or something. Alright, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but submissiveness is really a turn off in that sense for me.

It's definitely not an attribute I'd want to associate with my wife... and this of course extend to the bedroom.
Maybe you could bring it out in him somehow.
Maybe with enough role play/fantasy
Maybe there's a way so he feels he is not controlling you, but you still feel like he is in charge of the bedroom
Maybe you two can get a little drunk before having sex.

But all I am saying is that submissiveness is definitely a turn off for me, and I could see myself having a hard time with it in your husband's shoes.
 

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I'm fine with a woman wanting to be submissive, it's their natural position; her acting dominant would feel too forced, and be an immediate deal-breaker. I don't want to feel like I'm having sex with a man in a woman's body, pure woman only for me.
No. Just no to your sexism.


@OP: Giving him an instruction manual might be the best way if he shows interest in doing this. Perhaps something like SM 101: A Realistic Introduction or The Loving Dominant. You can also get in touch with your local BDSM group and get a mentor to talk out what you want so that your husband understands to how to go about it properly. Have safe fun!

Edit: One more. The Control Book. Also, as others have mentioned, this may just not be his thing.
 

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No. Just no to your sexism.


@OP: Giving him an instruction manual might be the best way if he shows interest in doing this. Perhaps something like SM 101: A Realistic Introduction or The Loving Dominant. You can also get in touch with your local BDSM group and get a mentor to talk out what you want so that your husband understands to how to go about it properly. Have safe fun!

Edit: One more. The Control Book. Also, as others have mentioned, this may just not be his thing.
I deleted it because I knew a feminist would show up.
 

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I deleted it because I knew a feminist would show up.
No, I'm just realistic and understand that women aren't "submissive by nature" and that a woman is still a woman when she's of a neutral or dominant nature. That when a woman is dominant it is not "forced", it is in fact part of who she is. That she is not a "man in a woman's body" as you state.

I also understand that not all men are "dominant by nature" and that they are still men when they are neutral or submissive.
 
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