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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Right, so I'm trying to figure this one out at the moment.

1. Is this possible??

2. Is it more possible for males than females?

3. Do females do this as much as males (but just don't talk about it)?

4. How does one detach themselves emotionally from such an intimate action?

My friends tell me it's something I should do. My guy friends do it...I just can't seem to fathom the concept...

Weighing up the pros and cons here.
 

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Yeah it's possible. I think we can't really understand our subconscious emotion though but we may be too consciously numb (? is this a thing?) to feel anything on the surface.

I can do a sort of switch flip and pull away completely from the moment and not have any awareness of feeling something. I don't think this is normal or something to strive for though. It seems to be from a period of my childhood where my main caregiver would cause physical pain to me and this was mainly our intimacy together so you learn to pull away from what you're feeling because you want to be touched. There's a saying for it right? Uh..."any attention is better than none"? I think that's it but I digress, it is possible to pull away from your feeling center at least consciously and simply observe what is being done to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yeah it's possible. I think we can't really understand our subconscious emotion though but we may be too consciously numb (? is this a thing?) to feel anything on the surface.

I can do a sort of switch flip and pull away completely from the moment and not have any awareness of feeling something. I don't think this is normal or something to strive for though. It seems to be from a period of my childhood where my main caregiver would cause physical pain to me and this was mainly our intimacy together so you learn to pull away from what you're feeling because you want to be touched. There's a saying for it right? Uh..."any attention is better than none"? I think that's it but I digress, it is possible to pull away from your feeling center at least consciously and simply observe what is being done to you.
You know, I kind of get that psychology, and I'm not "striving" for it I just want to understand if I do decide to do it.

I am totally used to being alone - it's not as bothersome as some might think, and I don't crave the attention (and mostly I don't like it when I get the attention). However, lately, my friends keep telling me it's something I should try, the whole 'friends with benefits' or just encouraging me to "get out there".

I have no problem detaching myself from people in every day life, I'm just curious how to do it in a sexual situation. I mean, do people just sleep with someone once, maybe twice and then think: meh, whatever.? How can I program myself to think like this with sex?

Not sure I see it as 'something that is done to me' but rather something I can just do and not think about again.
 

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I think it's possible, but what do I know?
Then again, you can separate pleasure from love so if you just think about your own pleasure, essentially you can "fuck and run" lol.
 

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I don't understand what you mean by "emotion". You can experience many different types of emotion while having sex- angry, playful, sad, happy, estatic, frustrated... and any amount of intensity- from mild annoyance to intense passionate yearning.

When I have sex with my best friend, we're doing it mostly just because it feels good, and we are mentally memorizing what the other feels like to have a stronger sense memory of each other for when we fantasize- because we prefer using each other as a fantasy object when we masturbate. Because that's more fun; as good as the sex is, the fantasy is better; and it's something we share in common. (We are talking my best friend, here.) Often, we get distracted during and stop to have more conversation, before getting distracted again, from seeing our sexy ass selves and go back to sexing. Emotion? Not really. It's just a friendly hanging out vibe. We love each other, but we're not the conventional idea of what "Being in Love" is. I'm not sure WHAT his MBTI is; he's hard to classify.

When I have sex with my mate, it's very emotionally charged, we have our preferred actions, and an order to which we do them- but even so, my mate can evoke a lot of different deeply expressed emotions in me. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, but I feel so in the moment and in touch. It's highly cathartic. He IS my true love, though- sometimes I just like him as a buddy, sometimes I am "falling in love" with him, and sometimes I am deeply "in love" with him. He's ISTJ.

Do you mean "emotion", as "commitment"? Both are fun, both are highly valuable for what they are, without equivocation.
 

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Ah I see. I'm not sure how to program yourself to do it. I suppose you could try small things like when you accidentally stub your toe, try not to react to what has just happened to you. Don't hop around, don't scream, don't allow the feeling to make you react. I guess I can't really expand on that because I'd tread hardcore into "harm yourself" which I think is not a good idea.

Uh...yep I'm at a loss now. I suppose you could watch something that scares you, a movie or t.v. show and instead of allowing the images to affect you, remain detached. Sometimes it's hard to get rid of one emotion so if you can't detach easily then turn the emotion into another emotion.

Like the movie the ring, it scares the crap outta me to think of someone crawling really awkwardly but I take all that feeling and then imagine her doing something ridiculous like trying to climb the wall and falling over, then awkward silence and me saying "Uh...should I help you up or?" and her being like "No! I'm a scary monster, you don't help scary monsters up!"

Essentially what you're trying to do is divorce yourself from emotional attachment. Try it in ways that you can continually repeat like watching the scary movie but not allowing it to scare you and work your way up from there. I hope this made sense. :frustrating:
 
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I think women do this as much as men, in my experience but not as likely to talk about it because of public views. Fuck who you want to fuck, is what I say. Men are probably more at ease with the idea because they aren't going to get pregnant accidentally, so don't care about the consequences. Safety is still paramount, though.
 

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^^ I think she is saying that it's hard for her to do so, like she naturally feels attachment after sex.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I don't understand what you mean by "emotion". You can experience many different types of emotion while having sex- angry, playful, sad, happy, estatic, frustrated... and any amount of intensity- from mild annoyance to intense passionate yearning.

When I have sex with my best friend, we're doing it mostly just because it feels good, and we are mentally memorizing what the other feels like to have a stronger sense memory of each other for when we fantasize- because we prefer using each other as a fantasy object when we masturbate. Because that's more fun; as good as the sex is, the fantasy is better; and it's something we share in common. (We are talking my best friend, here.) Often, we get distracted during and stop to have more conversation, before getting distracted again, from seeing our sexy ass selves and go back to sexing. Emotion? Not really. It's just a friendly hanging out vibe. We love each other, but we're not the conventional idea of what "Being in Love" is. I'm not sure WHAT his MBTI is; he's hard to classify.

When I have sex with my mate, it's very emotionally charged, we have our preferred actions, and an order to which we do them- but even so, my mate can evoke a lot of different deeply expressed emotions in me. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, but I feel so in the moment and in touch. It's highly cathartic. He IS my true love, though- sometimes I just like him as a buddy, sometimes I am "falling in love" with him, and sometimes I am deeply "in love" with him. He's ISTJ.

Do you mean "emotion", as "commitment"? Both are fun, both are highly valuable for what they are, without equivocation.
I mean emotion as in falling in love.

And seriously, I was confused by your post (a lot) simply because I can't comprehend fucking my best friend. If it's right for you, that's super. But for me it was a conflict in my mind just reading it. I'm not opposed to it, it just grosses me out to think of my friends sexually.

But anyways, I think I'm focusing more on random people than people you actually know.

Also, I thought friends with benefits was more along the lines of someone you called just when you needed it, not someone that you actually share a friendship with...obviously my interpretation was incorrect...
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
^^ I think she is saying that it's hard for her to do so, like she naturally feels attachment after sex.
That's it!

I don't get attached to people or things, it's just more with sex, I can't fathom having sex without emotion...is this 'normal'?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Ah I see. I'm not sure how to program yourself to do it. I suppose you could try small things like when you accidentally stub your toe, try not to react to what has just happened to you. Don't hop around, don't scream, don't allow the feeling to make you react. I guess I can't really expand on that because I'd tread hardcore into "harm yourself" which I think is not a good idea.

Uh...yep I'm at a loss now. I suppose you could watch something that scares you, a movie or t.v. show and instead of allowing the images to affect you, remain detached. Sometimes it's hard to get rid of one emotion so if you can't detach easily then turn the emotion into another emotion.

Like the movie the ring, it scares the crap outta me to think of someone crawling really awkwardly but I take all that feeling and then imagine her doing something ridiculous like trying to climb the wall and falling over, then awkward silence and me saying "Uh...should I help you up or?" and her being like "No! I'm a scary monster, you don't help scary monsters up!"

Essentially what you're trying to do is divorce yourself from emotional attachment. Try it in ways that you can continually repeat like watching the scary movie but not allowing it to scare you and work your way up from there. I hope this made sense. :frustrating:
I detach in most everything I do - seriously, there is absolutely no problem there what so ever.

It's just the whole sex without caring thing that gets me.

I'm going to try to stub my toe as hard as possible and try not to react ;-)
 

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I detach in most everything I do - seriously, there is absolutely no problem there what so ever.

It's just the whole sex without caring thing that gets me.

I'm going to try to stub my toe as hard as possible and try not to react ;-)
That's actually super super intriguing.

Could you explain what happens for you emotionally after you have sex? The whole process whether it's minutes, hours, days, weeks, months after you have sex with a person, whatever the amount of time it takes for your emotional attachment to end.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
That's actually super super intriguing.

Could you explain what happens for you emotionally after you have sex? The whole process whether it's minutes, hours, days, weeks, months after you have sex with a person, whatever the amount of time it takes for your emotional attachment to end.
It's weird...it's not actually after sex - it's before sex.

I think to myself, is this person worth my time. If the answer is yes, then I start to think about what they have to offer me in future. It's think super weird thing that I do. I don't give most people the time of day, they really have to work for it.

Not sure if I do it to distance myself from others before anything happens. I'm pretty logical in the way I look at things or read situations. And I've never before questioned sex. But lately, a few of my friends have told me it's something I should try/do.

I'm cool being single/alone - it's really no big deal, I have friends, books, work etc. However, since I've heard this a few times (and outwardly rejected it) I realised that I'm dismissing something I've never tried - and I want to get to the root cause of the dismissal.
 

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Right, so I'm trying to figure this one out at the moment.


1. Is this possible??
Not for me. I can't enjoy it without some level of trust and some sense of a connection. That said, I may not "fall in love" or expect a commitment, so there can be "no strings attached", but without any emotions would sound unpleasant.


2. Is it more possible for males than females?
I could not tell you, but I doubt it. That said, men and woman are socialized differently when it "comes" :)-P) to sex. I mean there is more of the expectation that men will want to have sex all the time with lots of different people and women are expected to treat sex as something sacred (and may be slut shamed when they are into casual sex). So, I could see that maybe our socialization may affect how men and women, on average, view sex differently and creating different expectations, which may make it easier for men, but I don't think it is less possible for women.
Also, I think age and/or experience may play a role. I think when I was younger I thought I needed to find that "one" to be happy and I may have felt more needy about love and I idealized sex more. But as I got older, I loosened up in those areas (don't get me wrong, I still find love important and I think sex can be special, but I know I can be happy alone and not all sex has to be super special, but I think there still needs to be a bond there, at least for me)


3. Do females do this as much as males (but just don't talk about it)?
Well, looking only at heterosexual sex acts with only two people (who are both cisgender) at a time, well women would have to be involved in such types of sexual acts as much as men (well also I should stipulate where both partners are being honest about their intentions ... no one is leading anyone on or no one is hoping for something more). I suppose that may not answer your question, but I think it shows that, at the very least, women try it as much as men do.


4. How does one detach themselves emotionally from such an intimate action?
I don't think it is about detaching emotionally so much as accepting that you are just close friends and nothing more, but that does not mean you can't love each other (does not have to be a romantic love/being "in love", like one may feel with an S.O.) and express that in a sexual way.


My friends tell me it's something I should do. My guy friends do it...I just can't seem to fathom the concept...


Weighing up the pros and cons here.
Why are your friends telling you that you "should" do that?
You don't have to do anything and you "should" approach sex the way you want to approach sex (and not how others want you to approach sex. Well, besides the obvious, such as sex should always be consensual). Now, if you want casual sex, it would be a lot easier on you and it will probably hurt less (which may mean enjoying it more in the long run, but only you can decide that) if you don't always feel like you are falling in love with the person. But that is only if you want more casual sex (and, although the casual sex I mostly was referring to was a fwb, as there is a connection there, I suppose if you wanted one night stands that you may want to be emotionally detached? idk, but me personally, I think one night stands with strangers may be a bit over-rated, imo, but others would disagree and I suppose you can't really know unless you tried it, but it is up to you if that is even worth trying to begin with).

I suppose I ramble a lot, so I will summarize: Although it can be good to take suggestions from friends, don't let them push/pressure you into something that makes you uncomfortable. Sex can be an intimate thing, so it is important that you feel safe (physically and emotionally). But, I don't think one needs to detach in order to have casual sex (but I think it is helpful to accept that it may not lead anywhere and to learn to be okay with that).
 

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I wasn't able to have sex without attachment until I got my heart broken. I started to view men and sexuality different after that point. For other women, I know it's most definitely possible, but I don't know what the scale is on how healthy it is for your psyche. For some women, sex without attachment is like breathing, and for others, it can be incredibly damaging. I honestly wish I had never started. My advice is that if you do "try" this version of sex, particularly in a FWB relationship, have a thorough discussion with your partner beforehand. When one of my friends recently asked if this was something I was interested in, we covered all our bases, because if this was something we were going to enter into, I did not want our friendship to be put in jeopardy, and I was partly protecting myself. I listed out the pros and cons with him too.
Pros: Sex is fun, I find him attractive, Learning experience, No romantic expectations, etc. Oh, and sex is fun.
Cons: If not careful could get attached, He'd be another that I add to my "list", in the end I'm still lonely, and we would have to hide it from my roommates, etc.
This is just something that I have to do because I overanalyze, but I also want to make sure I know what I'm getting into. I've had situations where my partner would get attached to me (ironically) from a FWB fling, and it almost ruined our friendship. Again, this is what I would do, but not everyone needs to do that. This is about having fun after all, right?
 

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I mean emotion as in falling in love.

And seriously, I was confused by your post (a lot) simply because I can't comprehend fucking my best friend. If it's right for you, that's super. But for me it was a conflict in my mind just reading it. I'm not opposed to it, it just grosses me out to think of my friends sexually.

But anyways, I think I'm focusing more on random people than people you actually know.

Also, I thought friends with benefits was more along the lines of someone you called just when you needed it, not someone that you actually share a friendship with...obviously my interpretation was incorrect...
I don't know how common my perspective is. There are plenty of people who are acquantinces, or that I'm friendly with- but I cannot fathom being that emotionally intimate with a *best friend* that I would NOT want to have sex with. Like, if I had a friend who I didn't want to sleep with- they must not be someone I want to be close with. That'd be like- the people I know. I know a lot of people- I have very few real friends. My best friend I sleep with. Close friends I don't sleep with, but I would if I thought it was appropriate. If I don't want to sleep with someone, I don't think they'll be there, long term, the way a good friend would.

(Context- it takes at least five to seven years for me to attempt romance with a friend- so that's probably part of it.)

You're probably correct in what the common definitions are- but for *me*... common people don't seem very happy. I'd rather not-conform in areas where *my* way is happier.
 

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Of course some people do it, is there anything "some" people wouldn't do? I don't do it because I think it would suck(no pun) and I think it would be silly if someone were to force it. I know of a girl who tried to force herself to do it with several men to teach herself to like it(long story, pathologies of feminism) and hated herself after.
 

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... is a lie.

Just moving the human body around requires emotion. So saying sex without emotion is not possible. Also embedded in that lie are concerns about the human biochemistry. Your body will blast you with chemicals and dope you up during and for a while after sex. Go research that. These chemicals will induce emotion, despite your effort to remain as emotionless as possible.

That means you are in denial in several ways if you attempt sex without emotion. First that you had no emotions going in and second that your body will not change that situation with or without your consent.

Pleasure causes emotion. You can suppress it, but it was there first and then you suppressed it.

Approaching any act, ANY ACT, with repressed emotions should be a reactionary situation and not a pursued one. Your emotions should be fully open when you involve yourself in a wise act. You want to experience the full resonance of each moment.

If you then say well dammit I am not concerned about wise acts, then you are freely admitting you intend to be unwise. Yet here you are asking for advice. Maybe you want the devil shoulder and not the angel one?

I suggest you not pursue this unwise course. Prefer wise sex. Prefer open and full expression of emotion and make sure your partner wants the same thing. The route of unwise sex, or emotion supressed sex, is destructive to you and your partner.
 
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Sex without any emotion at all I do not think is possible. Unless the person is a sociopath.

Sex without romantic emotion tho, yes that is possible which is I assume what your talking about

I have had romantic sex but honestly thats rare. I have had sex more often with other emotions. I ONLY save romantic affections and love making sparingly. To the contrary of misplaced belief of some that think I devalue romantic feelings, quite the opposite. Its why I do not give that out friviously. I think many people attach romantic affections friviously to ease their conscious or convince themselves their actions a line with their morality. I think people that friviously give romantic love and attach it easily like liter are interesting. In society they are often seen as people who have value but say someone who just says they go fuck someone for lust is often looked at twice. Interesting really. So the disposal of romantic feelings and attaching them with ease is smiled upon but people that do not associate them with sex alone and give them sparingly are seen in a frowned upon matter.

The kind of sex I have depends on where I am in life and with whom. How I feel that day etc etc. I do not agree with your friends in the glorifiction and promotion promiscuity just in itself like your friends sound like their doing (they sound like tools). I do believe that people have many varied transitions and levels of depth they go thru in life and if you feel compelled to fuck someone for the fun of it, or the anger of it, or the lust of it, or the experience of it, well go ahead. You should not experience it because your friends over glorify it in a weird pop culture way. But you should make no apologies to other human beings about however the fuck you chose to express your sexuality if your not hurting others and its thru consent.
 
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