[jungify]

So, I know this isn't really an ENFJ thing but I like to think of you guys as folks who know how I think, so why not ask these sort of questions here!

What are your typical expectations of intimacy, in terms of frequency per week?

If you aren't getting enough, how do you approach the problem?


My personal answer would be 3-4 times a week. After reading around online, it so happens that's actually a pretty smack dab in the middle expectation. Most couples who live together actually end up around 150 times a year.

I've been going through a rather sexless relationship now for several months, and despite trying a lot of things I feel like progress is being made, but rather glacially.

I'm wondering at what point do I give up and move on, or keep trying to move things closer to where I'd be happy. It's not uncommon for me to go as long as 8 to 10 days sometimes with my partner, and having originally approached it with a negative response I unsurprisingly made things worse.

I'm trying to be patient, and understanding, but it's really hard to be when my needs aren't being met and the other person doesn't understand the frustration I'm going through.

Any advice would help. I feel like I've had to become a different person just to cope. Don't really feel like myself anymore because when I am I just make things worse.

 

[Aelthwyn]

I'm certainly not a great one for answering this as I have relatively little interest in sex myself...so I'm on the opposite side of this issue from you. Sometimes I worry about my husband regarding this. It just doesn't occurr to me to initiate sex very often, and sometimes when he does I just really don't feel like it. I think there has to be give and take as people aren't always going to be in the mood at the same time. It sounds like you're feeling like you're the only one compromising regarding this issue - have you asked how your SO perceives themselves to be giving/taking in this area?

One thing I would say is that it's important to determine why your SO doesn't want sex as often as you do. I would guess that many people experience a lack of interest in sex from their partner as something that lowers their self esteem and makes them wonder if their SO really loves them or if they are trying to distance themselves. From my experience this is not necesarily true. While it could indicate a lack of interest in you, it could also just indicate a lack of interest in the act of sex. I don't know if you've thought to ask this, but it's possible that there is something else that your partner is fullfilled by(and craves) in a similar way - are they getting enough of whatever that may be? Obviously I don't know what all you've already discussed together, but it may be very helpfull to ask them to just talk through their own feelings on the matter so you can better understand the situation.

 

[basementbugs]

One thing I would say is that it's important to determine why your SO doesn't want sex as often as you do. I would guess that many people experience a lack of interest in sex from their partner as something that lowers their self esteem and makes them wonder if their SO really loves them or if they are trying to distance themselves. From my experience this is not necesarily true. While it could indicate a lack of interest in you, it could also just indicate a lack of interest in the act of sex. I don't know if you've thought to ask this, but it's possible that there is something else that your partner is fullfilled by(and craves) in a similar way - are they getting enough of whatever that may be? Obviously I don't know what all you've already discussed together, but it may be very helpfull to ask them to just talk through their own feelings on the matter so you can better understand the situation.

I would very much second all of this advice, as that was the first thing that went through my mind when reading the first post.

To answer your question about our personal expectations of the frequency of sexual activity, I'd say that I have none. It never really occurs to me to think, "Hey, I'd like sex right about now..." and I'd be perfectly happy never having sex again, if that was the way things turned out. At the moment, my husband and I haven't done so in several months... well over two, possibly about three. It doesn't bother me at all and I don't feel I'm missing anything; actually, I prefer it this way. I know this is likely very far off the norm, though... all I can say is that there's an obvious reason my husband and I met on an asexual forum, haha. He's also not bothered by the lack of sex in our relationship. We've been curious enough to do it at times, and sure, it can feel good and all... but I don't have a need to keep doing it on any regular basis. Any more than twice a month at best would drive me nuts. Besides, we're very physically intimate pretty much every single day in non-sexual ways, so I don't feel like I'm lacking any physical closeness.

But yes, as far as advice, I'd say it's really important to find out why your partner isn't interested in sex with the same frequency you are. That's the best starting point, at least.

 

[Aelthwyn]

To answer your question about our personal expectations of the frequency of sexual activity, I'd say that I have none. It never really occurs to me to think, "Hey, I'd like sex right about now..." and I'd be perfectly happy never having sex again, if that was the way things turned out. At the moment, my husband and I haven't done so in several months... well over two, possibly about three. It doesn't bother me at all and I don't feel I'm missing anything; actually, I prefer it this way. I know this is likely very far off the norm, though... all I can say is that there's an obvious reason my husband and I met on an asexual forum, haha. He's also not bothered by the lack of sex in our relationship. We've been curious enough to do it at times, and sure, it can feel good and all... but I don't have a need to keep doing it on any regular basis. Any more than twice a month at best would drive me nuts. Besides, we're very physically intimate pretty much every single day in non-sexual ways, so I don't feel like I'm lacking any physical closeness.

I feel the same way as you ...funny we're the first two to answer this thread. I totally agree that it's possible to feel very physically intimate without actually having sex. Cuddling and kissing are all I need to: A) feel desirable, B) communicate and maintain a deep connection, C) fullfill my yearning (because what I desire most is a sense of closeness). If I'm looking for shivers of ecstacy, a back or head-rub is more likely to do the trick than sexual stimulation.

Again just offering some food for thought to perhaps help others understand the perspective of a less sexually interested partner.

 

[Tminus]

I think sex is very important in a relationship. While I'm not someone who walks around all day thinking about it, I am someone who thinks sharing it with my partner is very important. It is a big indicator to me in my relationships about the health of the relationship. In just about all my relationships I've avg about 4 -5 times a week. It isn't something that I've ever felt either me or my partner was pushing for, it was something that came naturally to both of us. Maybe that is considered "high" by some, however maybe I've been with people who have the same amount of drive as myself.

I can honestly say however the times I've been single that its something I've not worried about at all. Its only when in a relationship that I seem to have the drive.

If I was going through the same issues, I would have concerns to be honest. I would absolutely respect the other person, however I would want to "work" on things with that person if its something over the long term that our needs were being met.

 

[Marimeli]

Oh, jungify, I have the same problem. I have a VERY high libido and I could have sex (and frequently want it) at least every day. I consider it a very significant expression of love, for myself, and a way of providing pleasure to my partner. My husband is like the ladies who responded here. He doesn't really think about it that much. It's something we struggle with a lot. I've tried everything I can think of to interest him but when he's not in the mood, he's just not. It's hard, too, because there are added societal stigmas associated with being a guy who can't satisfy his wife, or an oversexed woman, that can put added pressure on someone who's already reluctant to perform.

 

[Stable Genius]

Why don't you just have an affair? :crazy:

 

[garmypoo]

...I'm trying to be patient, and understanding, but it's really hard to be when my needs aren't being met and the other person doesn't understand the frustration I'm going through...

Ahhh boy... There have already been some other posts here that possibly give perspective on why its okay not to have frequent sex. Thats all fine if both partners are happy as was mentioned... Obviously this is an issue for you. Its a great thing that you're addressing it now after several months as it is much more difficult after several years!!!

First, don't feel guilty for wanting more sex. It doesn't make you a bad person and you shouldn't feel shame or anything. But it seems (in my opinion) that "society" somewhat demonizes the partner that wants more and excess desire should be curbed through self-discipline etc... BLAH...

Anyway, for some good reads go google "Dan Savage sexless" and you'll find a bunch of people in similar situations (and mostly worse if you're lucky enough to be going only 8-10 days without). If you're not into a gay sex/relationship advice columnist, check out some religious sights and you'll find startlingly similar advice: that surprise-> sex can play an important part in a successful romantic relationship.

I'm not as coherent as I'd like to be right now, so I'll stop here and go take a nap... I hope after examining things you find there is something you can do to create a better atmosphere of emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship to satisfy both partners...

 

[Stable Genius]

Ahhh boy... There have already been some other posts here that possibly give perspective on why its okay not to have frequent sex. Thats all fine if both partners are happy as was mentioned... Obviously this is an issue for you. Its a great thing that you're addressing it now after several months as it is much more difficult after several years!!!

First, don't feel guilty for wanting more sex. It doesn't make you a bad person and you shouldn't feel shame or anything. But it seems (in my opinion) that "society" somewhat demonizes the partner that wants more and excess desire should be curbed through self-discipline etc... BLAH...

Anyway, for some good reads go google "Dan Savage sexless" and you'll find a bunch of people in similar situations (and mostly worse if you're lucky enough to be going only 8-10 days without). If you're not into a gay sex/relationship advice columnist, check out some religious sights and you'll find startlingly similar advice: that surprise-> sex can play an important part in a successful romantic relationship.

I'm not as coherent as I'd like to be right now, so I'll stop here and go take a nap... I hope after examining things you find there is something you can do to create a better atmosphere of emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship to satisfy both partners...

Savage Love huh. Are you from Detroit?

Also, @jungify Don't feel bad for needing more sex, but you should allways try to get your woman to have a slightly higher sex drive then you. Do you know what you're going to do about it yet? Will you talk to her or move on?

 

[basementbugs]

Why don't you just have an affair? :crazy:

I hope that's not a serious suggestion...

If two people can't find a compromise and meet each other's needs at least to some extent, it's better to just end a relationship honestly than it is to cheat. Cheating is not sustainable for the long term, and I can't imagine any decent person feeling okay with doing that for very long. Besides, why waste time with someone you're not compatible with in a very important way, when you could be finding someone with whom you do work well? (Edit: Which is NOT to say I'm suggesting that the OP should just give up on his current relationship -- quite the opposite, actually.)

Anyway, as I said above, the first step is to find out why one's partner is disinterested. Nothing will get resolved if no one talks about it -- in a mature and non-confrontational way, of course.

 

[jungify]

@Aelthwyn
@basementbugs
I've spoken with my SO about it and she said it's not because she doesn't find me attractive or doesn't find it enjoyable, she just isn't much in the mood. She also admits she didn't used to be like this, but due to a new birth control method she took some time ago before we met her sex drive totally changed afterwards. We've been trying to just give it a shot 'more often' in order to see if her only issue is that she just got out of the swing and needs to get back in. However this doesn't appear to be working because she still barely if ever initiates (she initiates maybe once every month, at this rate, lately and that sounds like a generous guess).

 

[jungify]

I feel the same way as you ...funny we're the first two to answer this thread. I totally agree that it's possible to feel very physically intimate without actually having sex. Cuddling and kissing are all I need to: A) feel desirable, B) communicate and maintain a deep connection, C) fullfill my yearning (because what I desire most is a sense of closeness). If I'm looking for shivers of ecstacy, a back or head-rub is more likely to do the trick than sexual stimulation.

Again just offering some food for thought to perhaps help others understand the perspective of a less sexually interested partner.

While that may be great for some people, it's absolutely unacceptable for me. Even other forms of sex, such as blow jobs, doesn't do it for me. To each their own. I'd never criticize someone for not wanting to have as much sex as I, but if my partner can't be at the same level or at least close it's a deal breaker for me in an intimate relationship.

 

[jungify]

I think sex is very important in a relationship. While I'm not someone who walks around all day thinking about it, I am someone who thinks sharing it with my partner is very important. It is a big indicator to me in my relationships about the health of the relationship. In just about all my relationships I've avg about 4 -5 times a week. It isn't something that I've ever felt either me or my partner was pushing for, it was something that came naturally to both of us. Maybe that is considered "high" by some, however maybe I've been with people who have the same amount of drive as myself.

I can honestly say however the times I've been single that its something I've not worried about at all. Its only when in a relationship that I seem to have the drive.

If I was going through the same issues, I would have concerns to be honest. I would absolutely respect the other person, however I would want to "work" on things with that person if its something over the long term that our needs were being met.

4-5 is a bit closer to what I averaged in my last relationship. It felt perfect, and I never thought to myself that I'm unsatisfied. To the countrary, our sex life was exciting, adventurous, frequent and with a lot of play and give/take. I'd be lying if I didn't say I think about how much I miss that large aspect of a healthy relationship in my current one, making me very depressed and spiteful that I have such problems in my current one.

Also agree that I never concern myself with frequency outside of a relationship. God help me if I wanted to have sex 3-5 times a week while single! I'd feel more like a womanizer or sex addict than someone who just finds it an important part of being really close to someone. Besides, sex with people you don't know really well can sometimes be good, but is often bad. With someone you know, they know everything you like and really take care of you. It's just not the same with casual partners / hookups.

It's getting harder and harder for me to deal with honestly. When our relationship first started, our sex life was pretty great. Once we got a bit more comfortable with each other she backed off and it became sort of like it's now been for several months. She admits she has a problem likely caused by hormonal problems, but has taken every opportunity to go to the doctor and get help and has made excuses for going, forgotten, or pushed it off.

 

[jungify]

Oh, jungify, I have the same problem. I have a VERY high libido and I could have sex (and frequently want it) at least every day. I consider it a very significant expression of love, for myself, and a way of providing pleasure to my partner. My husband is like the ladies who responded here. He doesn't really think about it that much. It's something we struggle with a lot. I've tried everything I can think of to interest him but when he's not in the mood, he's just not. It's hard, too, because there are added societal stigmas associated with being a guy who can't satisfy his wife, or an oversexed woman, that can put added pressure on someone who's already reluctant to perform.

Sigh, sorry to hear this I feel your pain. The hardest part about dealing with it me honestly has been that because her sex drive is gone, she doesn't even see a need or reason to change. To her, everything's perfectly fine. To me, I'm slowly getting more and more depressed and frustrated. I end up lashing out and being negative, further pushing her away from getting help to solve the problem. I wish I had the patience and self control to be more supportive and nice about it, but it's hard when you've been going through it for months on end and your partner doesn't seem to be putting in their fair share of effort to solve the issue. In her defence, she is putting in some effort to try and solve it but actually saying yes more often when I come on to her, but she's often not really in the mood and just sort of appeasing me. It makes for pretty terrible sex. It isn't solving the underlying issue. She still also never comes on to me, which isn't the greatest feeling from my perspective even if it isn't intentional.

I'd suggest you ask your husband to do the same thing I've asked of my SO: go to the doctor and see if there's something they can do. I hope it doesn't ruin your marriage because it certainly can.

 

[jungify]

Why don't you just have an affair? :crazy:

I did this once in a past relationship. It was the most awful thing I've ever done, it tore us apart and ultimately ruined a 3 year relationship. Suffice to say after all that pain and suffering, I'd sooner break up with someone than cheat on them. Not worth it.

 

[jungify]

A
First, don't feel guilty for wanting more sex. It doesn't make you a bad person and you shouldn't feel shame or anything. But it seems (in my opinion) that "society" somewhat demonizes the partner that wants more and excess desire should be curbed through self-discipline etc... BLAH...

I've long since realized I don't and shouldn't feel bad for that. Some people just have different needs / expectations in life. Nothing wrong with that. And sex is a natural part of being human, so I'm not going to feel bad about wanting part of what makes me what I am. That's just stupid.

Anyway, for some good reads go google "Dan Savage sexless" and you'll find a bunch of people in similar situations (and mostly worse if you're lucky enough to be going only 8-10 days without). If you're not into a gay sex/relationship advice columnist, check out some religious sights and you'll find startlingly similar advice: that surprise-> sex can play an important part in a successful romantic relationship.

I do often feel pretty silly for complaining so much that once a week isn't enough, cause I know some people go through once a month or every few months even. But, my expectations / needs for fulfillment are higher. It just is what it is. It's not like mine are even that high, based on reading around. I'm actually pretty average. She used to be pretty average too. It'd be one thing if I was asking her to be someone she just isn't. I'm not. I'm just asking her to try and get a known problem solved and return to her former self.

 

[jungify]

Oops, I dupe replied. And it won't let me delete this post!

 

[chimeric]

@Aelthwyn
@basementbugs
I've spoken with my SO about it and she said it's not because she doesn't find me attractive or doesn't find it enjoyable, she just isn't much in the mood. She also admits she didn't used to be like this, but due to a new birth control method she took some time ago before we met her sex drive totally changed afterwards. We've been trying to just give it a shot 'more often' in order to see if her only issue is that she just got out of the swing and needs to get back in. However this doesn't appear to be working because she still barely if ever initiates (she initiates maybe once every month, at this rate, lately and that sounds like a generous guess).

Has she tried switching birth control methods, getting off birth control (if she isn't already), or eliminating other factors from her life that may be contributing to the lowered sex drive (stresses)?

 

[Angelus]

Why don't you just have an affair? :crazy:

This makes me wish there was a "dislike" button.........

 

[zamshed]

Why?! I know few couples who have made similar arrangements and are perfectly happy with it.