Rape fantasy types like me are the worst poison to the people I want to care about because basically it's a guilt coping mechanism I've had for life that causes me to devalue my partner to the status of victimizer, thus making me the true rapist. Rapist of his dignity and inherent value. My need to be uncondemned comes out as an inability to really love the person I'm with. I have to "hate him" so I can feel better about myself, only it backfires and I still feel lousy, guilty about yet another thing.
Guilty sex makes no one happy long run. A river running dry...
Also explains why I get off on empathetic feelings for my lover. Empathizing with the agressor boosts your sense of innocence. Innocence all you ever really wanted. Sex ceases to be relational in this case, it's all about getting you through the day. Comfort. A willing victim. Finding comfort in the arms of strangers and users.
Only they can't do that job of comforting. Because by now you're cold as ice. Better to be alone. Then I have no guilt and plenty of warmth to give. Celibacy would seem viable in this case if not for my huge sex drive which is what made me feel guilty in the first place as a child. If I could learn to love instead of just desire, proactivity instead of guilt, maybe the cycle would be broken and I could actually make someone happy in a way that is fair to them.