Sexual orientation vs love

Sounds like platonic love, but I wouldn't enter a sexual relationship with someone of whom I wasn't sexually attracted to.
Sounds like a sure fine way to end up disappointed depending on how much one values sex but despite that I think it'd just be unfulfilling to push self to do something like that when there is no interest to.
I would just think that I rather not risk denying aspects of myself even for a great bond, though I would still hope to maintain the bond but just not let it amount to something that I couldn't sustain.

PZelda said:

Assuming one is not bi or pan sexual, do you think it's possible that one's great love could be someone of the sex opposite to the one they're attracted to? There is the connection, the trust, the understanding, intellectual satisfaction, depth, etc, but no sexual attraction. Would you pursue a relationship like that, if everything was there except the sex? Why/why not?

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Disclaimer - I don't believe in the concept of having a 'great love' as in someone you are destined for. I threw that idea out the window along with new ageism a long time ago. So your question is kind of moot, because assuming there aren't any destined people out there you would never be confronted with such a choice.

Now, onto the question of whether or not I could be with someone of the same gender given enough attraction.

I fell in love with a transwoman, who was still entire. After a bit of getting my head around it I decided that if she didn't go for the operation I could probably be in a relationship with her. The logistics of V & V sex though didn't excite me, but if she was okay with possessing a penis then that would be fine. I know how that sounds, that I didn't really accept her as being female, more as a man who liked to dress oddly and perhaps that is true. So I suppose you could say for me....no I wouldn't be in a relationship with another woman but I could be entirely accepting of a man's daily cross dressing, and behaving like a woman and believing she is a woman and I suppose you could throw in identifying as a woman.....You know what....not really sure of what I was agreeing to now. :frustrating:

But if I was confronted with a genetic woman with whom I got along with really, really well I very much doubt I would ever jump into the sack with her. Maybe besties....if I believed in besties or more likely maybe just fond memories of that person I got along with really well.

PZelda said:

Would you pursue a relationship like that, if everything was there except the sex? Why/why not?

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i think people are missing this part . . .

i don't think i would. dk if it's sensible or not but i think of sexual relationships as the only thing that turns a non-related person into a member of your 'family'. it's almost like it admits them or appoints them in an honorary kind of way into your own genetic group (not automatically, but it's there as an option).

i'm sure there probably is an alternative way to make a platonic commitment have the same status because there are people who've done it. but i find myself with blinkers on that keep me from seeing just how it would be done.

PZelda said:

Assuming one is not bi or pan sexual, do you think it's possible that one's great love could be someone of the sex opposite to the one they're attracted to? There is the connection, the trust, the understanding, intellectual satisfaction, depth, etc, but no sexual attraction. Would you pursue a relationship like that, if everything was there except the sex? Why/why not?

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Sex isn't the be all end all in a relationship for me by any means, but in a relationship I do think being physical is an important part of intimacy.

I wouldn't flat out reject the possibility that I could form a relationship with someone of the gender I don't find myself generally attracted to, but I'd have to be able to invision some sort of physical component and the liklihood of that to me is pretty close to zero. Platonic relationships are friendships.

@Wellsy Darn INFP's posting in INTJ sub forum's pssstttt.

PZelda said:

Assuming one is not bi or pan sexual, do you think it's possible that one's great love could be someone of the sex opposite to the one they're attracted to? There is the connection, the trust, the understanding, intellectual satisfaction, depth, etc, but no sexual attraction. Would you pursue a relationship like that, if everything was there except the sex? Why/why not?

Edit:
I thought it would be understood that when I said "great love", I didn't mean destined, but it seems it may not have been clear, so to clarify - great love means just that; strong mutual feelings of love.

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Great love? No. Great friend? Yes. I find connections like those intimate so I'd feel like I was wasting my time pursuing them. It'd feel arbitrary because in the end all of the emotional/mental effort I put in would have no foreseeable payoff.

I wouldn't pursue someone intimately to such a degree because I couldn't have kids with them regardless of my emotions. The sole reason I wish to be romantic is to find a connection with someone I can have a genetic future with. If kids are not in the picture in the long run' Neither am I.

The only way I could ever have a relationship like that with someone of the same sex is if the pieces just fell together. I wouldn't go out of my way to form a relationship like such but I do believe that people can find futures with people of the same sex. It's kinda what makes Humanity amazing.

Hope it makes sense.

Wellsy said:

Sounds like platonic love, but I wouldn't enter a sexual relationship with someone of whom I wasn't sexually attracted to.
Sounds like a sure fine way to end up disappointed depending on how much one values sex but despite that I think it'd just be unfulfilling to push self to do something like that when there is no interest to.
I would just think that I rather not risk denying aspects of myself even for a great bond, though I would still hope to maintain the bond but just not let it amount to something that I couldn't sustain.

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couldn't have said it better myself

ItsSunnyOutHere said:

@Wellsy Darn INFP's posting in INTJ sub forum's pssstttt.



Great love? No. Great friend? Yes. I find connections like those intimate so I'd feel like I was wasting my time pursuing them. It'd feel arbitrary because in the end all of the emotional/mental effort I put in would have no foreseeable payoff.

I wouldn't pursue someone intimately to such a degree because I couldn't have kids with them regardless of my emotions. The sole reason I wish to be romantic is to find a connection with someone I can have a genetic future with. If kids are not in the picture in the long run' Neither am I.

The only way I could ever have a relationship like that with someone of the same sex is if the pieces just fell together. I wouldn't go out of my way to form a relationship like such but I do believe that people can find futures with people of the same sex. It's kinda what makes Humanity amazing.

Hope it makes sense.

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Of course. To you having children is an integral part of why you would want to be in a relationship, so it is understandable that you'd seek that connection exclusively with someone who shares that aim for the future.

PZelda said:

Of course. To you having children is an integral part of why you would want to be in a relationship, so it is understandable that you'd seek that connection exclusively with someone who shares that aim for the future.

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I would say so, yeah. It doesn't have the be the foundation for the relationship but as long as my Significant Other knows what I'm aiming for in the future we're perfect. Lol

Wellsy said:

Sounds like platonic love, but I wouldn't enter a sexual relationship with someone of whom I wasn't sexually attracted to.
Sounds like a sure fine way to end up disappointed depending on how much one values sex but despite that I think it'd just be unfulfilling to push self to do something like that when there is no interest to.
I would just think that I rather not risk denying aspects of myself even for a great bond, though I would still hope to maintain the bond but just not let it amount to something that I couldn't sustain.

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Well put. I was thinking something along those lines myself, and wondered of the perspective of other INTJs. As you said, even if the bond is great, ultimately there is will disappointment. Either the attraction will be one sided from their end, or both people will end up frustrated because to some degree, they would want to express their sexuality and be intimate. I suppose my own answer would be that eventually the mental/emotional/intellectual bond would not hold without physical intimacy to separate and elevate it from other platonic relationships. Thanks for your insight.

PZelda said:

Lol. It's not the reason why you would be in the relationship, but a reason to continue or discontinue it.

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PZelda said:

even if the bond is great, ultimately there is will disappointment.

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the more i think about this topic, the less relevant preference seems to me. whether a person is gay, straight, bi, pan or anything else, it seems to me like it's more a question of whether sex matters to someone or not, and if so how much and in what kinds of context. i think i've known straight women who wouldn't care at all who their partners slept with, if it weren't for the social and emotional loading that sex has to them - i.e. they're not all that into it, but it still feels like they're being undermined or abandoned somehow if their partners take that part of themselves to someone else. and for all i know there are men who feel the same way since basically people are people, of whatever sex. it's just that i don't usually encourage men to tell me about stuff like that.

Either the attraction will be one sided from their end,

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idk. again, i think it depends on more subtle things than plain orientation, or maybe it only seems that way to me because i'm seeing it from too far within my own private perspective on stuff. personally, just because someone is of my 'oriented' gender (i.e. male) and also someone i care intensely about . . . still doesn't mean i'd feel any physical sense of attraction to them. so it doesn't necessarily follow in my world at least that there ever would be that 'sense of attraction' even if the other person were profoundly significant to me in all of the other senses.

i have actually had more platonic friends who i was closer to than i've had relationships that i felt the same way about. actually, the first three relationships that i had were far more throwaway and forgettable than almost any of my solid friendships. but the thing that stops me from saying i'd ever consider the kind of configuration that i think you're talking about is the fact that i know i'm not asexual. so there's always the possibility that having made a 'relationship' level of commitment to a platonic friend, i might not live up to it. and i wouldn't want to do that, so i wouldn't do it.

basically, i guess i feel it's more ethical to hold to the highest common denominator in one's nature, than it is to aim lower than that and run the risk of betraying the other person. because i do think i believe the betrayal would be just as heinous.

INFP (sorry for jumping in but this might be interesting for y'all due to unconsouisness)

Wow this happened to me about a year ago with my first love.

Freaking awesome, talented, smart, nice, successful, everything I never imagined and more that I ever wanted in a female partner including mannerisms and innuendos was in an INFJ male who kept hitting on me.

It didn't bother me but we got really close and he was the first person I felt like I didn't have to put any barriers between. In fact, I randomly started to feel the need to cuddle someone. It took like a week for me to realize that I was subconcously falling in love with him and it was mutual. When I realized it a started imagining myself kissing him but then immediately felt sick and conflicted.

When we finally talked about it in the mall, my brain started to crash. It was like I was broken and suffering from PTSD. Then again I sort of had a childhood of suppressing my sexuality or romance for girls so it just hurt extra as in I thought to myself, "wow not only have I had no intimacy or even a first kiss, but my love and romance life is so bad that my first love was a guy". I got paranoid on what seemed to be on a primitive level and "couldn't trust him" for a while. Seems like a psychological ego defense mechanism was triggered.

We managed to talk again a few days after that talk and he is still my closest friend. It was scary though the mind trip I went through, but I think it had more to do with child hood suppression than anything else.

He spoiled me. It felt nice to have someone constantly find me attractive and sexy and say it (indirectly in his case). Unfortunately I doubt any woman would do the same to me and I even feel unattractive that since no women approach me like he did.

I still wish he was a woman. I don't think any surgery aside from a brain transfer to a female body would work for me.

Don't do it especially if you are a straight guy. Ugg. I feel like I am mentally romantically to guys (and rarely some women) and mainly only physically attracted to women after that whole episode and experience.