[pclaradactyl]

I'm confused.

I'm starting to suspect that I may be asexual--or demisexual, gray-A, etc (I dunno, there's too many labels )--but there is something about the definition I just don't understand:

"An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction." -- AVENwiki

The fact that I'm about to ask this is probably a huge indicator, but... what exactly is 'sexual attraction', and how do I know if I experience it?

 

[Impermanence]

For me it's when I see a good looking girl and get the thought "I wouldn't mind having sex with her because she's pretty".

 

[Narrator]

If I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to someone my lips may tingle if I imagine kissing them, otherwise it's a half dead, much more mental notion to me. If I'm not sexually attracted to someone I'll likely feel uncomfortable with certain physical things if I percieve they mean something more, a touch of the knee might disturb me. But if I'm attracted to them, it's much more likely I'll enjoy their touch and have to struggle against resisting it - like a physical/emotional kind of magnetism/my brain slows down.

Emotional attraction plus a degree of some physical attraction will make me feel drawn to them emotionally, like my heart and attention is dragged in their direction. I feel a bit ambiguous about it myself. It'll be interesting to see what others say.

I should add you age may have an influence, or you may just find it rare to find people you are attracted to, equally you may fit one of the labels up top.

 

[RoughEstimate]

I suffer, too. I tried explaining it to one of my friends night before last.
I can appreciate a "good looking guy" but it never goes beyond that.
I was so afraid of looking like some lesbian in middle and high school that I started to choose a few random guys to have crushes on.
One reciprocated after a friend told him I was interested, all the shit ran downhill from there.
This is all irrelevant, just trying to let you know you're not alone.
I figure someone will eventually meet me on my field or I'll just play the loner card my whole life.
Either is fine with me.

 

[pclaradactyl]

For me it's when I see a good looking girl and get the thought "I wouldn't mind having sex with her because she's pretty".

Is it obvious? What does it feel like? Do I just not understand that feeling because I haven't had sex myself yet, or is it something I should be able to recognize before having sex? If I'm nineteen and still don't understand what it means to be sexually attracted to another person, does that mean I never will?

One person described it as hunger and how someone may see food and think, "Oo, that looks good. I would eat that"--and trust me, food isn't confusing. I don't need to sort through my feelings about food to decide whether I'd eat it. There's no calculation or misunderstandings there. It's clear. It's obvious. It looks tasty or it doesn't.

I met one of my friends brothers once and my other friend asked me, "Was he hot?" I looked at her, and had to honestly say, "I dunno." Maybe I just wasn't paying attention or didn't think to look at the guy in that way. But what I do know is that I don't think I've ever met a guy who I could look at and just say straight off that bat: "He's hot." And any instance where I have, I had to pause to think about it, and it resulted in more of a "Well.... I guess he's kind of... cute, maybe."

.....Is that sexual attraction? Because from what I understand, it's not--but then I'm not sure I could ever understand it.

 

[nonnaci]

I'll tell it from a guy's perspective who has no primary sexual attraction but is demisexual. A beautiful women walks by and we make eye contact. I think to myself... hrmm she may be interesting, I want to get to know her better and pick apart her mind. Conversation ensures but most of the time leaves me disappointed.

Now if there was primary attraction, I can probably envision there would be an urge for the touchy-feely and an extensive use of the physical imagination.

 

[sanari]

To quote myself:

Well, I think people try too hard to label themselves. Personally, I almost never think about sex [1% of the time]. And that one percent was lower the first time I typed it, but I knew someone would have aught with my made up percentage. So I rounded up. But I go through my days, just not thinking about it...I can't say I have a sex drive and tend to feel sorry for those who are plagued with it. But when a guy I am attracted to shows up, and our minds touch and play, hmmmmyeah. I get turned on....and feel great. But I like myself this way. I would never want to have that feeling going 24/7.

Most people who feel this way label themselves Asexual. But really, there's no need for the label. It's excessively detailed...like instead of calling blue, blue - you call it teal turquoise light blue. Unnecessary, imo.

 

[Impermanence]

Is it obvious? What does it feel like? Do I just not understand that feeling because I haven't had sex myself yet, or is it something I should be able to recognize before having sex? If I'm nineteen and still don't understand what it means to be sexually attracted to another person, does that mean I never will?

One person described it as hunger and how someone may see food and think, "Oo, that looks good. I would eat that"--and trust me, food isn't confusing. I don't need to sort through my feelings about food to decide whether I'd eat it. There's no calculation or misunderstandings there. It's clear. It's obvious. It looks tasty or it doesn't.

I met one of my friends brothers once and my other friend asked me, "Was he hot?" I looked at her, and had to honestly say, "I dunno." Maybe I just wasn't paying attention or didn't think to look at the guy in that way. But what I do know is that I don't think I've ever met a guy who I could look at and just say straight off that bat: "He's hot." And any instance where I have, I had to pause to think about it, and it resulted in more of a "Well.... I guess he's kind of... cute, maybe."

.....Is that sexual attraction? Because from what I understand, it's not--but then I'm not sure I could ever understand it.

Yes it is very obvious when you have the feeling. It is much like food on whether it looks appetizing or not. Within three seconds of looking at a girl I categorize her as someone I would be "just friends" with or someone who I could have "sexual intercourse/a relationship" with. I'm not sure if all guys do that, but it's just a screening system that I have always used to place different girls in. I either find them attractive, average or not attractive at all. The girls who are average and I would have a relationship with them if we had really good chemistry, which would make up for the lack of her looks.

Even before having sex for the first time, I felt that way towards girls. Then again, I kissed this friend of mine on the cheek in kindergarden who lived just down the street from me, so maybe I was just an early bloomer? You shouldn't have to second guess on whether or not you are sexually attracted to someone because you should know just by looking at them within a few seconds after checking them out.

 

[Drewbie]

The fact that I'm about to ask this is probably a huge indicator, but... what exactly is 'sexual attraction', and how do I know if I experience it?

Sexual attraction is the feeling some people get that causes them to desire sexual contact with a specific other person. It's usually pretty self evident, but if it's not something you've experienced the best way I would describe is as a either a physical or mental sexual 'awakening' upon seeing or interacting with a specific person. Even if it doesn't trigger someone's sex drive right away it makes them aware of themselves as a sexual person and aware of the other person as a possible option of a shared sexual experience.


Sexual attraction, it should be noted, is not the same as sex drive. A person can experience no sexual attraction and still have a sex drive and enjoy sexual contact either alone or with a partner. Likewise, a person can experience sexual attraction but have very little sex drive motivating them to follow through with or act on their desire either alone or with a partner.

Whether you think you have or could possibly experience sexual attraction and whether you decide to identify as asexual/gray-sexual/demisexual or not is entirely up to you and there really is no wrong answer. Sexuality is fluid. If you don't experience sexual attraction, and so decide to identify as asexual, but then experience it later on there is no fault in that.

 

[pclaradactyl]

Well, I think people try too hard to label themselves. Personally, I almost never think about sex [1% of the time]. And that one percent was lower the first time I typed it, but I knew someone would have aught with my made up percentage. So I rounded up. But I go through my days, just not thinking about it...I can't say I have a sex drive and tend to feel sorry for those who are plagued with it. But when a guy I am attracted to shows up, and our minds touch and play, hmmmmyeah. I get turned on....and feel great. But I like myself this way. I would never want to have that feeling going 24/7.

Most people who feel this way label themselves Asexual. But really, there's no need for the label. It's excessively detailed...like instead of calling blue, blue - you call it teal turquoise light blue. Unnecessary, imo.

Yeah. I'm not too interested in labeling myself. I find that doing so would be more limiting and restrictive than it should be. However, I recognize that there is this difference between me and some of my more sexual friends when it comes to things like this, and I believe that understanding where I fit in relation to them on the spectrum will help me understand them better and myself--which I'm always a fan of.

Yes it is very obvious when you have the feeling. It is much like food on whether it looks appetizding or not. Within three seconds of looking at a girl I categorize her as someone I would be "just friends" with or someone who I could have "sexual intercourse/a relationship" with. I'm not sure if all guys do that, but it's just a screening system that I have always used to place different girls in. I either find them attractive, average or not attractive at all. The girls who are average and I would have a relationship with them if we had really good chemistry, which would make up for the lack of her looks.

Even before having sex for the first time, I felt that way towards girls. Then again, I kissed this friend of mine on the cheek in kindergarden who lived just down the street from me, so maybe I was just an early bloomer? You shouldn't have to second guess on whether or not you are sexually attracted to someone because you should know just by looking at them within a few seconds after checking them out.

Huh. That's so interesting to me. I do not identify with that at all.

I would say that the closest I've ever been to being attracted to someone was a guy I met in my first year at college. But even then, I only like him after I got to know him. And even more, I don't think I could say that I had any interest in sex. I just really wanted to know him, and him to know me. I desired a relationship, but not sex. If we had gotten into a relationship, I would have accepted the sexual aspect to be an activity that would increase intimacy and bond together--but only in the same way that any other activity would have.

But like I said. That was one guy. And those feeling only occurred after I got to know him.

Sexual attraction is the feeling some people get that causes them to desire sexual contact with a specific other person. It's usually pretty self evident, but if it's not something you've experienced the best way I would describe is as a either a physical or mental sexual 'awakening' upon seeing or interacting with a specific person. Even if it doesn't trigger someone's sex drive right away it makes them aware of themselves as a sexual person and aware of the other person as a possible option of a shared sexual experience.

Sexual attraction, it should be noted, is not the same as sex drive. A person can experience no sexual attraction and still have a sex drive and enjoy sexual contact either alone or with a partner. Likewise, a person can experience sexual attraction but have very little sex drive motivating them to follow through with or act on their desire either alone or with a partner.

Whether you think you have or could possibly experience sexual attraction and whether you decide to identify as asexual/gray-sexual/demisexual or not is entirely up to you and there really is no wrong answer. Sexuality is fluid. If you don't experience sexual attraction, and so decide to identify as asexual, but then experience it later on there is no fault in that.

Yep. That sounds a lot more like me.


I was talking to one of my friends about it earlier and she made a couple points. One was that guys and girls approach those relationships differently. I don't know if she completely understood what I was trying to explain to her, but like in matt1991's explanation above... does the same go for girls who consider themselves sexual? Or is that more of a guy's approach?

Her other point was that I've never really been in a relationship or even kissed a guy. She thinks that if I had experience in that area of life, then I might think differently when I interact with guys. However, I'm leaning more towards the possibility that it's my lack of sexual attraction that has an affect on my past (lack of a) dating life. But does she have a point? I mean, I'm nineteen. If sexual attraction is still something I would grow into, then I'm a fairly late bloomer. <.<

 

[Drewbie]

Yep. That sounds a lot more like me.


I was talking to one of my friends about it earlier and she made a couple points. One was that guys and girls approach those relationships differently. I don't know if she completely understood what I was trying to explain to her, but like in matt1991's explanation above... does the same go for girls who consider themselves sexual? Or is that more of a guy's approach?

Her other point was that I've never really been in a relationship or even kissed a guy. She thinks that if I had experience in that area of life, then I might think differently when I interact with guys. However, I'm leaning more towards the possibility that it's my lack of sexual attraction that has an affect on my past (lack of a) dating life. But does she have a point? I mean, I'm nineteen. If sexual attraction is still something I would grow into, then I'm a fairly late bloomer. <.<

There is more than one way to develop sexual attraction, it's not all instantaneous. The two main types of sexual attraction are primary and secondary. Primary sexual attraction is sexual attraction based on things that are immediately evident; looks, first impressions of personality, smell, etc. Secondary sexual attraction is attraction that develops over time as either a relationship or emotional connection (neither necessarily romantic) is formed. People of any gender may be capable of experiencing either of these. Most people who experience sexual attraction experience both of these but demisexual people are those who experience only secondary sexual attraction.

I am not personally a fan of seeking experience that is undesired, I find it often has unpleasant results. Don't pressure yourself into things, especially sexual things, you don't want. There is nothing wrong with not experiencing sexual attraction, being asexual, or 'blooming' later than usual.

 

[pclaradactyl]

There is more than one way to develop sexual attraction, it's not all instantaneous. The two main types of sexual attraction are primary and secondary. Primary sexual attraction is sexual attraction based on things that are immediately evident; looks, first impressions of personality, smell, etc. Secondary sexual attraction is attraction that develops over time as either a relationship or emotional connection (neither necessarily romantic) is formed. People of any gender may be capable of experiencing either of these. Most people who experience sexual attraction experience both of these but demisexual people are those who experience only secondary sexual attraction.

I am not personally a fan of seeking experience that is undesired, I find it often has unpleasant results. Don't pressure yourself into things, especially sexual things, you don't want. There is nothing wrong with not experiencing sexual attraction, being asexual, or 'blooming' later than usual.

Oh definitely. I'm perfectly content with the idea of being asexual or not having sexual attraction. I'm also okay with the idea that maybe my time just hasn't come. I do know I have a sex drive--but as someone pointed out, sexual attraction is more associated with specific people, and I haven't experienced that. If I have, maybe as a form of secondary like you explained, but in my example above... I don't know what kind that was. Romantic maybe, but physical/sexual affection was not a main motivator for it.

 

[Psilo]

To quote myself:

It's not always that simple. While it's a good idea to not use labels as a guide to build yourself around, there's also no harm in using a label to describe yourself. Especially in a case like OP when looking for a sense of community or normality. I would love for people to stop over thinking sex, but until heterosexual monogamy is not the presumed default with "deviations" being either erased or ostracized, these labels will have a use.

If You Can See The Invisible Elephant, Please Describe It « Writing From Factor X

 

[Palaver]

I lost my virginity a few weeks ago. Sex is definitely overrated. I won't get married for sex--and sex (regularly) was my main motivation for taking any such vows of fidelity. I have had three other encounters since then. They have gotten progressively worse and I'm thinking of calling it quits.

My last encounter (hopefully) was with a much older woman. Nothing happened for me. I liked her, but I wasn’t sexually attracted to her which caused a few hiccups in bed. We just sort of cuddled for the whole night. I actually liked that part. Then I went home and masturbated.

If I could get orgasms through hugs, I would be in heaven. However, the more that I think about it deeply... what is it that I really like about my orgasms? Is the pleasure in achieving my desire or being liberated from my desire? Sex is gross. It's the feeling of liberation that is great. I dislike sex and I may actually dislike orgasms. Pleasure is most intense right after the experience of pain--even without the kinky sex. It's in not being a slave to those desires that I find ecstasy--even if it only lasts a few hours. I still have my libido. I can't describe myself as being asexual. Perhaps, I should describe my sexuality as "anti-sexual". That is to say, my lust is self annihilating. I'm not satisfying it. I'm trying to kill it.