[snc1878]

I've been into a ESFJ for some time (he says he also tests as ESTJ), but, not even sure we are dating now, though we did briefly at one point. I haven't seen him in awhile due to both of us traveling, but he hasn't been in touch, which has been hard. I had stayed over with him for a second time and began feeling a little insecure because I didn't know where I stood with him. We didn't have intercourse, but just about everything but.

The issue I'm having is that getting sexual with him quickly (not really intended) triggered some insecurities for me and I don't know if it is worth sharing any of that with him. If he already is unsure, it isn't like I want to feel like I'm bringing up too much heavy stuff. I wanted to just be friends and appreciate him, be there for him and get to know him because I admire him and wanted to develop connections on other levels. I've been hurt in the past, especially men not treating me right or seeming to just want to hook up and not give me more...so I was nervous of that happening, and was concerned about getting defensive or uptight around him based on old fears. My personality changes quickly if I'm not sure where I fit or how much someone likes me, especially after putting so much of my self out there.

I was also sexually assaulted a couple years ago, which he doesn't know about it. I feel usually at peace with him, and actually the first night I stayed over with him I was so happy -- like none of the other stuff mattered...but I don't take sharing myself with him lightly because of this and really sensitive towards feeling like a sexual object. I know it wasn't just a hook up, but the silence hasn't helped that. I don't know if this is worth sharing and how he would react. His J is really strong, and I see him get upset or bothered by choices other people make or behaviors that he doesn't understand or that he finds annoying. I really wanted a friend, and he shared with me his most prize possession, which I thought meaningful., and the last I saw him was his birthday party, and got to meet his cousin, etc. And I have always wanted to understand him and explore the connection, but he hasn't been in touch...and wondered if my insecurity showed over staying over with him. I said awkwardly that I hoped we could do something with our clothes on next time we saw each other, more in reference to needing more of a connection with him and not going too fast physically. Sexually we are very compatible and I love being with him, and didn't know if perhaps he was sensitive and took it the wrong way. He is very systematic and gets busy, and always hard for me to read, because just when I think I don't matter or he doesn't care, he says something appreciative or flirts/kisses me.

Thanks for any thoughts!

 

[ESFJdude]

Sorry to hear about your situation about being assaulted.

I'm an ESFJ male and your story reminds me very much of me and my ex, so I'll share. I don't know if you two are separated or I can help you, but I'll respond. I was in a long distance relationship with a girl that I truly loved and cared about. We got pretty physical pretty fast but like you, we never had intercourse however because I don't want to have sexual intercourse until I'm married. As an ESFJ being physical was my way of showing that I cared and loved her. Just holding her in my arms was good enough for me. We were very sexually compatible as well.

My ex gf became very insecure immediately after this, I don't know why. But it sounds quite similar to your situation. Everytime we visited each other she would accuse me of being emotionless. I spent countless of hours making sure she was ok and felt horrible about myself only to realize that she was telling me everything was ok; when it wasn't.

To me, not telling me the truth no matter how painful is the same as lying to my face. By that time, I was at my breaking point; yes we have breaking points; so I broke off the relationship. There's only so much I could take.

Anyways, without boring you with my story and getting to the point.

Being defensive or uptight may be interpreted by him as "There is something wrong with me"

Before that I could tell she was not being honest with me. She was hiding something from me. For ESFJ's honesty is the biggest thing. We can tell if something is going on with you; and if you don't tell us, we'll think there is something wrong with us. We are known to put the heavy burden and blame on our shoulders if we do not understand the situation.

We show our love by serving those we love and we will do everything in our power to see a smile on your face. If we cannot provide that and make people happy, we feel there is something wrong with us, and move on.

What You Can Do:

If you have been defensive and showing your insecurities, you may want to tell him. He should be able to take the reasons why you are like this, and will help clear things up with him. Just make sure when you say it it doesn't sound like you are pointing the fingers at him because yes we can get pretty defensive fast. Just be straight to the point and tell him your past history. He should understand. But don't wait too long because we move on fast.

Good luck ; hope things work out