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Lotus Jester
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Yes, I realize that there is already a multiple paged thread (http://personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/178420-growing-up-narcissistic-parent-how-impacts-mbti-relationships-life.html) on this subject but I wanted to hone in on the lies that children who are raised by (a) narcissist(s) grow up to learn about themselves, life and other people.


1a) You are not important. x
xb) You don't really deserve to exist.
xc) In order to survive, you must accept the reality that your reality is irrelevant.

2) You can't trust other people not to exploit you.

3) People who really treat you well are impossibly nice, delusional and will ultimately realize your truth lack of worth.

4) You don't have any right to have feelings that make other people you care about uncomfortable.

5) If you are ever courageous enough to confront significant others in your life; they will surely punish you for doing so.

6) No one - even people you are closest to, actually gives a fuck about the real you and your needs and feelings.

7a) You are incompetent, a failure at life and you're a fool if you think otherwise.
xb) Corollary: if you manage to overcome years of gaslighting and actually make something of yourself; you are an imposter and have some how gamed the system.

8) You are a freak, a devouring ball of need that will ultimately destroy those you care about - if you don't ultimately drive them away first with your "neediness".

9a) You are forever tormented by boundary issues: either by be adverse to or wanting yet fearing closeness
xb) Intimacy is all about pain and suffering: engulfment and abandonment, because you are ultimately too weak to handle it.

10a) You don't deserve to be happy.
xxb) Nothing really makes you happy and never will.


I hope this will help others who have/are suffering from this to wake up, confront and ultimately free themselves of the soul destroying self-destructive lies they have/are telling themselves.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_abuse
 

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Uhg, all of this. It's taken me years to be able to have any semblance of a healthy relationship. But this one in particular is bothering me right now:

Corollary: if you manage to overcome years of gaslighting and actually make something of yourself; you are an imposter and have some how gamed the system.
I'm finally living a happy and healthy lifestyle. I have a boyfriend who I love very much and my career is just starting to take off. And I feel like a total bitch somehow. Like the idea that I could deserve any of this can't seem to sink in, so I keep thinking, "Did I just get lucky? Am I the laziest person in the world who just had these things fall into her lap?" And of course whenever friends jokingly say they're jealous of my life I feel like the worst person ever, because I'm never supposed to have a better life than anyone around me. >.< When I logically think about it, I've worked really hard toward my goals - reading books and articles, shadowing agencies, finding mentors, doing internships, networking, staying up all night on projects, etc. But it doesn't FEEL like I've worked at all, especially when I take a day off or get sick for a while. It still feels like, in my mother's words, I am lazy, ungrateful, spoiled, evil and a fuckup.
 

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@devoid
That's probably because deep inside you still somehow believe this to be true. I'm not a psychotherapist, but I'd suggest that whenever you catch yourself thinking that way, realize that it's just a lie. Your mother said these things but it doesn't make them true. She's just a human being, like all of us, just another one.
 

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@devoid
That's probably because deep inside you still somehow believe this to be true. I'm not a psychotherapist, but I'd suggest that whenever you catch yourself thinking that way, realize that it's just a lie. Your mother said these things but it doesn't make them true. She's just a human being, like all of us, just another one.
Yeah, I know. It will take some practice. I've already made so much progress, yet I still have a ways to go. I finally stopped slouching everywhere I go and tripping over my own feet when I walk. ._.

The thing about growing up with a parent like that is that you don't even think about it. It just feels natural to assume that I'm lazy, immature, pathetic, etc. I would never dream of thinking otherwise, and when people say otherwise I just assume they're trying to make me feel better. It's like a natural state of being, to suck at everything. Trying to disprove that to myself isn't just a matter of ignoring what someone thinks of me; it's a matter of completely changing my world view.
 

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Er, wow. A lot of those seem to hit painfully close to home, but I don't think I was raised by a narcissist; I think I'm more of a narcissist than she is. There were some things during my upbringing, of course, that I didn't agree with, but I think they were intended in my best interest, or else just natural human weaknesses rather than a fundamental pathology of sorts.
 

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When you are raised by crazy, "normal" becomes a strange thing.
 

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Many if not all of those lines are used by narcissists to get attention, in fact almost everything goes around that: getting attention. Here: me having a problem with "me not feeling worth whatever" is not enough to tell if I have a problem of self esteem, was raised with negative programming or I'm just trying to get your attention. Even in therapy the same lines are not taken 100% as true, the pro goes with care around everything being seen to come up with an idea, not based on what the person says.

A huge problem is: people coming from abusive families/parents are MOSTLY abusers. Found this on psychological literature and on several talks with friends psychologists, the problem is didn't say "mostly" it said ARE, but me, as a person refuse to believe everyone ends up like that. What does has to do with narcissists? most people from narcissist parents become/show the same trait at some point.

Problem:

Wikipedia on narcissism: pursuit of gratification blah blah admiration. We can easily say is based on admiring good stuff or supposedly good stuff, etc but the text goes on.
Wikipedia on Narcissistic personality disorder: a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and others. It is a cluster B personality disorder.[SUP][1][/SUP]

What I tried to point out there is, we can have narcissistic people trying to get attention based on pity, illness, being sick, etc. Totally negative stuff compared to the description of narcissism, instead of admiration, pity, compassion, etc. The thing is... whatever they try, they can't afford to become invisible, they are always trying to get attention. The short version of my comment goes about: whatever they talk, well the thing is "about them".

Love and relationships: we all experience problems but when it's related to this kind of disorder, almost no problem has a solution because every encounter and conflict becomes about THEM and not the problem, falling into a never ending spiral.
 

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Many if not all of those lines are used by narcissists to get attention, in fact almost everything goes around that: getting attention. Here: me having a problem with "me not feeling worth whatever" is not enough to tell if I have a problem of self esteem, was raised with negative programming or I'm just trying to get your attention. Even in therapy the same lines are not taken 100% as true, the pro goes with care around everything being seen to come up with an idea, not based on what the person says.

A huge problem is: people coming from abusive families/parents are MOSTLY abusers. Found this on psychological literature and on several talks with friends psychologists, the problem is didn't say "mostly" it said ARE, but me, as a person refuse to believe everyone ends up like that. What does has to do with narcissists? most people from narcissist parents become/show the same trait at some point.

Problem:

Wikipedia on narcissism: pursuit of gratification blah blah admiration. We can easily say is based on admiring good stuff or supposedly good stuff, etc but the text goes on.
Wikipedia on Narcissistic personality disorder: a person is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and others. It is a cluster B personality disorder.[SUP][1][/SUP]

What I tried to point out there is, we can have narcissistic people trying to get attention based on pity, illness, being sick, etc. Totally negative stuff compared to the description of narcissism, instead of admiration, pity, compassion, etc. The thing is... whatever they try, they can't afford to become invisible, they are always trying to get attention. The short version of my comment goes about: whatever they talk, well the thing is "about them".

Love and relationships: we all experience problems but when it's related to this kind of disorder, almost no problem has a solution because every encounter and conflict becomes about THEM and not the problem, falling into a never ending spiral.
The solution is for the child of a narcissistic parent to take personal responsibility, rather than blaming their parents or lack of self esteem for their actions. It's difficult to take responsibility for your own problems, when they come with so much baggage from your past. But that's the only way to break the cycle.

When I learned about NPD and realised my mom was a narcissist, I had to then learn what was normal behavior and what was unhealthy. Now the struggle is to keep trying to instill healthy behaviors in myself without blaming my mother or circumstances for my shortcomings. Many people never get that far, and spend the rest of their lives blaming their parents or other people or circumstances. Responsibility is a hard thing for a child to learn, and much harder to learn as an adult by yourself.
 

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The solution is for the child of a narcissistic parent to take personal responsibility, rather than blaming their parents or lack of self esteem for their actions. It's difficult to take responsibility for your own problems, when they come with so much baggage from your past. But that's the only way to break the cycle.

When I learned about NPD and realised my mom was a narcissist, I had to then learn what was normal behavior and what was unhealthy. Now the struggle is to keep trying to instill healthy behaviors in myself without blaming my mother or circumstances for my shortcomings. Many people never get that far, and spend the rest of their lives blaming their parents or other people or circumstances. Responsibility is a hard thing for a child to learn, and much harder to learn as an adult by yourself.
YES, THIS. I only fully realized there was something very wrong with my parents about four years ago. Finally got confirmation from both my girlfriend at the time and the therapist my parents forced me to go to. Then I spent two years blaming my parents, feeling like they fucked me up beyond repair, and that I'd be broken forever. I wasn't suicidal, but I wanted to die. It seemed like I couldn't escape the grasps of my parents and I'd blame every little thing I felt I couldn't do right on them. Then, I don't really know why, but something changed.

I was going to be away for a couple months in another country with about 40 people I'd never met. This was the first time I'd ever really met many people and fully had a label for the shit my parents did and had also found validation online. So I kind of just convinced myself that I didn't have to let them still hold me back, even when their grip on me was far weaker than it ever had been. I ended up making some great friends and met a girl (now my ex lol) who I, for some reason, just told everything to one night. I don't know what made me do that but I do tend to be very, very good at first impressions and judging peoples' general dispositions, something I'd also attribute to my upbringing and walking on eggshells for the entirety of my first 18 years. Regardless of how much our personalities weren't a great fit and how I never really felt thaaaat strongly for her and how we both ended up not being faithful to each other (something she doesn't know I know but I'm also not sure if she knows about me), it was a very positive experience and helped me learn a lot about myself. Honestly, as much as she said she was a bad girlfriend, whatever, she was far better for me than I was for her. She not only filled a void and helped me realize I was somewhat in the relationship to run away from problems back at my school and with my "friends" but she also helped me figure out my career goals. I think, overall, neither of us were in the relationship for all the right reasons but it was also much more good than bad for the both of us.

Since the end of that relationship, I've stopped running away from my problems and have gone through a ton of personal growth. I was definitely happy being with her for much of the relationship but I think I'm happier and more confident than I've ever been. While the thoughts of my parents don't escape me, and while I do occasionally have to vent about them or even just cry to myself about it, I haven't actually put blame on them in a long time. And I think that's exactly the key to freeing yourself from narcissistic parents. Taking personal responsibility. It's not cutting them out of your life and blaming them for your problems. It's not saying you're helpless to them and allowing them to dictate your life and trying to get pity for it. Venting about the problems they've caused and pouring out your feelings about it is a healthy thing. But the most important thing to do is to take control of your own life, figure out who you are as a person and not who your parents wanted you to be, and work to overcome the inevitable disadvantages you were forced to endure. Because, ultimately, it's your life and nobody but yourself can actually "fix" you.
 

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Er, wow. A lot of those seem to hit painfully close to home, but I don't think I was raised by a narcissist; I think I'm more of a narcissist than she is. There were some things during my upbringing, of course, that I didn't agree with, but I think they were intended in my best interest, or else just natural human weaknesses rather than a fundamental pathology of sorts.
Same here. There was dysfunction, sure, issues of control, but not narcissism. If anything I'm the narcissist.
 
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Same here. There was dysfunction, sure, issues of control, but not narcissism. If anything I'm the narcissist.
Control issues were major, definitely. There were a lot of power struggles, which could have been partly alleviated if I were less self-centered (though I had some reason to enforce firmer boundaries as well).
 

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Actually, imposing your will, even seemingly benevolently, over someone could be a form of narcissism as well. That was discussed in the link about the narcissistic mothers.
Here, lets see if I can remember how she did this:

Metasentient, you poor thing! I know the other kids tease you, but maybe it's just because you're ugly and never brush your hair. It's not your fault you're the oddball kid who has trouble making friends. Maybe you just shouldn't play with the neighbors anymore because they don't like you anyway.
 

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Here, lets see if I can remember how she did this:

Metasentient, you poor thing! I know the other kids tease you, but maybe it's just because you're ugly and never brush your hair. It's not your fault you're the oddball kid who has trouble making friends. Maybe you just shouldn't play with the neighbors anymore because they don't like you anyway.
Hey, how'd you know my hair never looks brushed?!

Oh god. I don't recall getting that, but I got plenty of "tough love" ("If you don't get on that treadmill, all the boys are going to point and laugh at you and call you a fat pillow when you get to high school" (that didn't happen) "Someone was mean to you again? When are you going to stop being a pathetic doormat?" "You got 99%? Why not 100%?" "You should love yourself more.")

Really not NPD though, just strict, I suppose. It stopped when I started forming more of a personality.
 
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