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MOTM Feb 2011
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Discussion Starter #1
Am I doing the right thing by reaching out to my ESFP ex-best friend who caused alot of dramas for me before?
Her husband has left (2 weeks after she had their 2nd child) and her mum is having chemo. I definitely can't do the demanding, intense thing anymore but I can be there for her in a smaller way right?

My issues with her:
*She has repeated very personal things I told her in confidence,
*she didn't stand up for me when another friend of hers attacked me verbally, instead she phoned the person up as soon as I had left her house and repeated more things giving the person more fuel to aim at me.
*she was always so self absorbed that she was just not always there for me when I had struggles in my life. She became a fair weather friend. She was happy if I was sanguine.
*She is very demanding and intense (the flip side is that she can also be alot of fun).

There are so many reasons not to be her friend. ....But I do miss the good things about her. And I feel sad that her marriage may be over for good this time and that her mum is ill. I think that the past 4 years I played a big part in why her & her husband stayed together. Because every time they fought I tried to input positive words into her and I never treated him with contempt when I saw him (as one of her previous friends did). He even said to her once that she should hold onto me because I was a good friend to her).

She is ESFP and I wanted some ESFPs to look at this because I wondered if they always have intense relationships or if they are in fact capable of being more chilled out in a friendship. The main reason I type this is because I feel wary that she only has one setting and that is full on. Besides the above issues, I am not capable of giving too much at the moment due to being in the grieving process from my dad and looking after my mum in this process too.
 

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You can be friends with a person and just control the information that you allow to exchange between the two of you. This may be one of those rare cases where using honesty could be beneficial. If you are intelligent enough you should be able to create a friendship that is mutually beneficial.
 

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I know how you're probably feeling. I've been in the same situation a few times, with my ex-best friend (ESTJ).

You don't have to be here friend or exchange personal information with her, but if I were you... I'd definitely try forgiving her (if you haven't already) and being there for her as much as you could, even if it's just a little bit. I know it can be hard at times, with people who don't/won't reciprocate the help you give them, but... just help. Be a good, helping person (but don't take on more than you can handle, since you have stuff going on in your life right now, too)...and things will work out positively in the end.
 
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MOTM Feb 2011
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Discussion Starter #4
You can be friends with a person and just control the information that you allow to exchange between the two of you.
Yes I understand. I have another friend who I am like this with. I gave her another chance, changing the dynamics of the friendship a bit, partially because our husbands are great friends. Luckily this has worked well for us. The difference is that this woman is "choleric" so she is alot more independent by nature and doesn't feel the need to be constantly around her friends. So when we do meet up I am able to enjoy the moment, provided that I watch how personal the conversations get.
 

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MOTM Feb 2011
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8,074 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I know how you're probably feeling. I've been in the same situation a few times, with my ex-best friend (ESTJ).

You don't have to be here friend or exchange personal information with her, but if I were you... I'd definitely try forgiving her (if you haven't already) and being there for her as much as you could, even if it's just a little bit. I know it can be hard at times, with people who don't/won't reciprocate the help you give them, but... just help. Be a good, helping person (but don't take on more than you can handle, since you have stuff going on in your life right now, too)...and things will work out positively in the end.
Thanks. Yes I have forgiven her. Being able to forgive is a very necessary part of a healthy life, I understand that well.

And the things that you have said are exactly what have been going around in my head. I guess the thing that worries me is that she has a way of getting information out of people and getting them to do what she wants without it appearing so. She is very skilled at this. I am naturally a giver (hence ENFJ) and so I do things for people often without even thinking about it. But I don't want to be taken for a ride. I suppose as long as I have my 'eyes open' I should be fine doing this. It's been about 3 months since I backed right off so I know now what I do and don't want to accept in a friendship.
 

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well be her friend, by not forgiving her you are being pretty much like her...but dont tell her your secrets!
 

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MOTM Feb 2011
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Discussion Starter #7
well be her friend, by not forgiving her you are being pretty much like her...but dont tell her your secrets!
thanks, but if you read the post above yours you would see that I have already done the forgiving.
 
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