[Daniel6]

I've done my best to keep this brief; sorry if this seems lengthy. Hopefully this suffices as an explanation.

Around a year ago, I dated a certain INFP. When we began dating, it was very obvious to both of us that neither of us had ever met, much less dated, anyone like the other person. Needless to say, we became very close and attached to each other, although certain realizations I had of blatant dishonesty on her part led me to break up with her. She admitted fault, but as time progressed I began to become increasingly aware of how emotionally wounded she was by our break-up and how remorseful she was for the mistakes she made.

A few months ago I asked her out for coffee somewhere, not as a date, but mainly to give her an outlet to be her genuine self--as an INTP in a world engulfed by SPs and SJs at almost every turn, I believe I can partially identify with the sense of alienation and solitude that some INFPs report. I could tell that she really enjoyed herself, as her emotions have always seemed to express themselves automatically and unequivocally, and I'm also not sure if I've ever seen her that overflowingly happy.

We've gone out to talk a couple more times since then with practically the same aforementioned results each time, although we've stayed out progressively longer each time. I also have to admit that at our most recent night out she was at the most attractive I've ever seen her, with the outfit she wore and the way she had arranged her hair. And it also seemed to me that she wanted to hug before we left with the way she somewhat abruptly turned and directly faced me, and a few other nonverbal actions of hers occurring simultaneously with that repositioning also seemed to suggest this--although here I may simply be overanalyzing or misperceiving the situation.

Unfortunately, I've personally experienced an internal emotional reaction each time we've gone out, these emotional reactions seem to be getting stronger, and I've realized that the concept of living as though I have no emotional nature is immature and foolish. It would be a complete lie for me to say anything other than the fact that I'm not sure if I've ever perceived time to move so fast as when we've gone out together.

In light of all this, I wonder if I should give her another chance. She completely broke my trust before I broke up with her, and with the way a few certain circumstances currently are I'd be hesitant to trust her again. On the other hand, it's obvious that she's matured as a person since our break-up, her moral standards have improved significantly (we're both Christian), one of the factors inhibiting my trust for her is apparently diminishing, and I'm somewhat confident for a number of reasons that if I asked to date her again, she would say yes.

Of course, this is a highly compacted depiction of what's taken place, but I would very much appreciate if any of you INFPs would be so kind as to reveal any insights, thoughts, feelings, or advice pertinent to this situation. I suspect that you could understand or empathize with this INFP's experiences and feelings more accurately than I can, which is why I'm deferring to you guys for advice and "detective work."

Thanks in advance.

 

[jeffbobs]

I've done my best to keep this brief; sorry if this seems lengthy. Hopefully this suffices as an explanation.

Around a year ago, I dated a certain INFP. When we began dating, it was very obvious to both of us that neither of us had ever met, much less dated, anyone like the other person. Needless to say, we became very close and attached to each other, although certain realizations I had of blatant dishonesty on her part led me to break up with her. She admitted fault, but as time progressed I began to become increasingly aware of how emotionally wounded she was by our break-up and how remorseful she was for the mistakes she made.

A few months ago I asked her out for coffee somewhere, not as a date, but mainly to give her an outlet to be her genuine self--as an INTP in a world engulfed by SPs and SJs at almost every turn, I believe I can partially identify with the sense of alienation and solitude that some INFPs report. I could tell that she really enjoyed herself, as her emotions have always seemed to express themselves automatically and unequivocally, and I'm also not sure if I've ever seen her that overflowingly happy.

We've gone out to talk a couple more times since then with practically the same aforementioned results each time, although we've stayed out progressively longer each time. I also have to admit that at our most recent night out she was at the most attractive I've ever seen her, with the outfit she wore and the way she had arranged her hair. And it also seemed to me that she wanted to hug before we left with the way she somewhat abruptly turned and directly faced me, and a few other nonverbal actions of hers occurring simultaneously with that repositioning also seemed to suggest this--although here I may simply be overanalyzing or misperceiving the situation.

Unfortunately, I've personally experienced an internal emotional reaction each time we've gone out, these emotional reactions seem to be getting stronger, and I've realized that the concept of living as though I have no emotional nature is immature and foolish. It would be a complete lie for me to say anything other than the fact that I'm not sure if I've ever perceived time to move so fast as when we've gone out together.

In light of all this, I wonder if I should give her another chance. She completely broke my trust before I broke up with her, and with the way a few certain circumstances currently are I'd be hesitant to trust her again. On the other hand, it's obvious that she's matured as a person since our break-up, her moral standards have improved significantly (we're both Christian), one of the factors inhibiting my trust for her is apparently diminishing, and I'm somewhat confident for a number of reasons that if I asked to date her again, she would say yes.

Of course, this is a highly compacted depiction of what's taken place, but I would very much appreciate if any of you INFPs would be so kind as to reveal any insights, thoughts, feelings, or advice pertinent to this situation. I suspect that you could understand or empathize with this INFP's experiences and feelings more accurately than I can, which is why I'm deferring to you guys for advice and "detective work."

Thanks in advance.

sorry but may i ask what the deceptions where?

 

[bromide]

Hmm, this is a tough one. It's obvious that both of you still have feelings for each other, but feelings without trust do not make a stable relationship. I would say that if you do decide to pursue a relationship again, you'll need to have some serious discussions about boundaries. People can mature, I've seen it happen firsthand, but there are certain trust violations that cross the line into irreparable and it's up to you to decide for yourself what those are.

 

[snowbell]

I've done my best to keep this brief; sorry if this seems lengthy. Hopefully this suffices as an explanation.

Around a year ago, I dated a certain INFP. When we began dating, it was very obvious to both of us that neither of us had ever met, much less dated, anyone like the other person. Needless to say, we became very close and attached to each other, although certain realizations I had of blatant dishonesty on her part led me to break up with her. She admitted fault, but as time progressed I began to become increasingly aware of how emotionally wounded she was by our break-up and how remorseful she was for the mistakes she made.

A few months ago I asked her out for coffee somewhere, not as a date, but mainly to give her an outlet to be her genuine self--as an INTP in a world engulfed by SPs and SJs at almost every turn, I believe I can partially identify with the sense of alienation and solitude that some INFPs report. I could tell that she really enjoyed herself, as her emotions have always seemed to express themselves automatically and unequivocally, and I'm also not sure if I've ever seen her that overflowingly happy.

We've gone out to talk a couple more times since then with practically the same aforementioned results each time, although we've stayed out progressively longer each time. I also have to admit that at our most recent night out she was at the most attractive I've ever seen her, with the outfit she wore and the way she had arranged her hair. And it also seemed to me that she wanted to hug before we left with the way she somewhat abruptly turned and directly faced me, and a few other nonverbal actions of hers occurring simultaneously with that repositioning also seemed to suggest this --although here I may simply be overanalyzing or misperceiving the situation.

Unfortunately, I've personally experienced an internal emotional reaction each time we've gone out, these emotional reactions seem to be getting stronger, and I've realized that the concept of living as though I have no emotional nature is immature and foolish. It would be a complete lie for me to say anything other than the fact that I'm not sure if I've ever perceived time to move so fast as when we've gone out together.

In light of all this, I wonder if I should give her another chance. She completely broke my trust before I broke up with her, and with the way a few certain circumstances currently are I'd be hesitant to trust her again. On the other hand, it's obvious that she's matured as a person since our break-up, her moral standards have improved significantly (we're both Christian), one of the factors inhibiting my trust for her is apparently diminishing, and I'm somewhat confident for a number of reasons that if I asked to date her again, she would say yes.

Of course, this is a highly compacted depiction of what's taken place, but I would very much appreciate if any of you INFPs would be so kind as to reveal any insights, thoughts, feelings, or advice pertinent to this situation. I suspect that you could understand or empathize with this INFP's experiences and feelings more accurately than I can, which is why I'm deferring to you guys for advice and "detective work."

Thanks in advance.

Welcome to PersonalityCafe

I would.

You say blatant dishonesty - maybe she was lying about whatever it was because she was afraid to tell the truth or didn't know how?

Usually I don't think it's a good idea to give someone a second chance in case they hurt you again, but from what you've said it sounds like she has made an effort (and a big effort at that) to try and improve. It seems pretty clear that she likes you and that you like her (take a look at the bolded bits of your post, except the first one). If she's trying to improve and be better, and knows that she did hurt you and is remorseful then I don't think it'd be bad to give her another shot - everyone does make mistakes and so far you can't say it's a repetitive thing (ie from what you say it's not like this has been going on for 6 years and she's been breaking your heart every 6 months).

Either way it's your call but if you give her another shot and she does hurt you, well at least you can say you know for certain and aren't going to be left wondering what would have happened.

Oh, and as a suggestion - if you do get back together make sure it's at a pace she's comfortable with. That way if she's not being rushed into something she won't be tempted to panic or something - you could probably have a few "amnesty" conversations where you just talk about where you want things to head, and see how to get on the same page and go from there so that neither one of you feels pressured and/or rushed into doing something unwanted or uncomfortable (that could be another reason why she was dishonest with you).

Best of luck .

 

[perfectcircle]

I've done my best to keep this brief; sorry if this seems lengthy. Hopefully this suffices as an explanation.

Around a year ago, I dated a certain INFP. When we began dating, it was very obvious to both of us that neither of us had ever met, much less dated, anyone like the other person. Needless to say, we became very close and attached to each other, although certain realizations I had of blatant dishonesty on her part led me to break up with her. She admitted fault, but as time progressed I began to become increasingly aware of how emotionally wounded she was by our break-up and how remorseful she was for the mistakes she made.

A few months ago I asked her out for coffee somewhere, not as a date, but mainly to give her an outlet to be her genuine self--as an INTP in a world engulfed by SPs and SJs at almost every turn, I believe I can partially identify with the sense of alienation and solitude that some INFPs report. I could tell that she really enjoyed herself, as her emotions have always seemed to express themselves automatically and unequivocally, and I'm also not sure if I've ever seen her that overflowingly happy.

We've gone out to talk a couple more times since then with practically the same aforementioned results each time, although we've stayed out progressively longer each time. I also have to admit that at our most recent night out she was at the most attractive I've ever seen her, with the outfit she wore and the way she had arranged her hair. And it also seemed to me that she wanted to hug before we left with the way she somewhat abruptly turned and directly faced me, and a few other nonverbal actions of hers occurring simultaneously with that repositioning also seemed to suggest this--although here I may simply be overanalyzing or misperceiving the situation.

Unfortunately, I've personally experienced an internal emotional reaction each time we've gone out, these emotional reactions seem to be getting stronger, and I've realized that the concept of living as though I have no emotional nature is immature and foolish. It would be a complete lie for me to say anything other than the fact that I'm not sure if I've ever perceived time to move so fast as when we've gone out together.

In light of all this, I wonder if I should give her another chance. She completely broke my trust before I broke up with her, and with the way a few certain circumstances currently are I'd be hesitant to trust her again. On the other hand, it's obvious that she's matured as a person since our break-up, her moral standards have improved significantly (we're both Christian), one of the factors inhibiting my trust for her is apparently diminishing, and I'm somewhat confident for a number of reasons that if I asked to date her again, she would say yes.

Of course, this is a highly compacted depiction of what's taken place, but I would very much appreciate if any of you INFPs would be so kind as to reveal any insights, thoughts, feelings, or advice pertinent to this situation. I suspect that you could understand or empathize with this INFP's experiences and feelings more accurately than I can, which is why I'm deferring to you guys for advice and "detective work."

Thanks in advance.

I wish I knew the nature of the deception to better understand...
I think maybe you could give it a shot but put your cards on the table in an honest, gentle discussion. If you ask her out again, make it clear, "I'm putting my trust in you again, if you can't do it, just tell me now." I honestly hope she would not enter into such a thing with a promise beforehand of trustworthiness secure in hand.
You say you can see she is genuinely remorseful, I think there is a chance, but I wonder what the deception was... was it something like cheating or more along the lines of, hiding things or white-washing things because she has a hard time revealing herself? Some immature or extremely shy infps have such a hard time exposing themselves to others, to risk, to potential rejection, they hide away large parts of themselves or information out of fear. They wish to present only a pleasant side to themselves all the time, and it's impossible to keep up, be it hiding their real feelings or only going out with others when fully dressed up or cutting others off at the hint of someone seeing you as flawed. If she can't face up to being honest, yet, and she seems to be an "avoidant" personality, then I'd avoid it entirely. From what you've said though, she does not seem that way.

 

[okaydrifter]

no relationship can ever work without trust. you need to talk to her honestly about whatever it was that she did or lied about.

i've done some pretty terrible things but i've also realized they're not "me". i did something terrible to an ex, but if we were together now there would be none of that. i'm not the same way anymore, and i really do mean that.

I think INFPs do this thing where they... they're not perfect. but they know, when they do something, how awful it feels afterwards. i think once they see how they hurt someone, or experience remorse on their own terms, i think they really can and DO deserve second chances.

but it all depends on if she's at that point or not yet. if she even truly is sorry. i don't know what it was she lied about, but whatever. haha.

anyway my actual honest suggestion would be to keep hanging out as friends and see how it goes. i wouldn't get involved yet, it seems like things aren't totally settled yet... i dunno. talk to her!

 

[Daniel6]

Thank you very much for all of the replies.

sorry but may i ask what the deceptions where?

No offense, but I'd rather stay fairly vague here for a number of reasons. I suppose it could be said that it was a form of cheating, although it was a bit more complex and twisted than that. I will say that the people who know what happened considered my leaving her as reasonable.

Hmm, this is a tough one. It's obvious that both of you still have feelings for each other, but feelings without trust do not make a stable relationship. I would say that if you do decide to pursue a relationship again, you'll need to have some serious discussions about boundaries. People can mature, I've seen it happen firsthand, but there are certain trust violations that cross the line into irreparable and it's up to you to decide for yourself what those are.

It wasn't the worst type of trust violation possible, but it was also obviously enough to cause me to leave. Circumstances have changed significantly since that time, and I suspect that, as another poster said elsewhere, this mistake on her part was just one of those stupid little things that growing INFPs commit once and never repeat. I really appreciate your recommendations about discussing boundaries, by the way.

Welcome to PersonalityCafe

I would.

...

She definitely knew how to tell the truth, but she also knew that I would leave her immediately if I happened to find out. I've never asked her why she did it, and to do that at this point in time might suggest interest in her on my part--something I'm simply not willing to suggest unless I believe that it would be logical to be with her again. I don't want to "lead her on" or hurt her somehow, and I'm not quite comfortable yet with the idea of discussing future relationship possibilities with her.

Yes, she was definitely remorseful over it. She expressed this directly and indirectly more than once, and I once personally saw the regret written all over her face and body language and heard it in her greeting when I happened to walk by her in public somewhere; I think she was as close as possible to the state of crying without actually crying, and I don't think I've ever seen such a clear expression of sadness before.

I also think you're right in regard to discussing pace and understanding and such. This was something I partially neglected when we first began dating--somewhat due to inexperience.

I wish I knew the nature of the deception to better understand...

...

That advice about directly "laying the cards on the table" makes sense...

Yes, there's not a single doubt as to whether she was remorseful or not. As for the dishonesty involved, I'll disclose that it was similar to cheating, although I don't think it was as simple as that word's connotations suggest.

And no, this girl was and is a very open type of person around me, so what took place does not seem to be something common to the more avoidant, secretive INFPs.

no relationship can ever work without trust. you need to talk to her honestly about whatever it was that she did or lied about.

...

Agreed.

I think the rest of what you said is spot-on for this particular situation. I think she was just too subjective and immature to regard my warning as reasonable and she had to get burned to learn the lesson, just like some young animals have to actually come in contact with an electric fence before they truly understand it.

Yep, I'll keep trying my best to be friends with her. But anticipating and outwitting emotional influences (from both of us) is difficult, to say the least.

 

[gaudy316]

I dated an INTP briefly several years ago. The difference between now and then is that I believe I understand her a LOT better. We INFPs pride on becoming a better person each day. I think if you give this girl another chance, she will be very delighted. I know I relish second chances I pray for them.

The INTP female I dated wanted honesty from me. It is a simple term but I couldn't fully wrap my head around it. Now I do, but it's 5 years too late. I wasn't honest with her because I was afraid to speak my mind on what I wanted out of our relationship, even though she put her trust in me.

If you're going to give someone a second chance, an INFP will probably appreciate it better than anybody else would (my 2).

 

[Daniel6]

I dated an INTP briefly several years ago. The difference between now and then is that I believe I understand her a LOT better. We INFPs pride on becoming a better person each day. I think if you give this girl another chance, she will be very delighted. I know I relish second chances I pray for them.

The INTP female I dated wanted honesty from me. It is a simple term but I couldn't fully wrap my head around it. Now I do, but it's 5 years too late. I wasn't honest with her because I was afraid to speak my mind on what I wanted out of our relationship, even though she put her trust in me.

If you're going to give someone a second chance, an INFP will probably appreciate it better than anybody else would (my 2).

Now that is interesting. Somehow I figured someone would opine that she would like another chance, although I think in this particular case she would be a bit too fearful and timid to voice that thought without my first eliciting it; there's almost no way I can imagine her "making the first move" in this situation.

Anyway, I figured if anyone could give advice pertaining to an INFP I dated, it would be other INFPs. The next time I go out with her, I'll apply the advice and recommendations that you guys have offered, as they seem sound. Thanks again for all of the responses.

 

[unclebigs]

Liars and cheaters will always be liars and cheaters. I'm sure they feel remorse and can reform for awhile but ultimately they will slip up again. I would move on. Once trust is broken, it can't be recovered. Start fresh with a person you can trust.

 

[dann]

Definitely not worth it! A tryst maybe, but a real relationship is out of the question.