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I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, suicidal for three years now. There is nothing beautiful or good about my life. I'm ugly af, sensitive ah, dumbest girl ever, dysfunctional family that makes me go crazy and want to kill myself even more. I've always tried to be happy, to seek the good side in everything, as I know myself and the small thngs that could make me happy, but i've only ever known disappointement, pain, rejection and failure in my life. It's like I am a cursed person. I'm so unlovable that people who are nice and friendly to everyone would be awful only to me, something any other person would think i'm crazy if I told them, but that I have experienced endless times. I've always been confused throughout my life, not knowing how I should continue through my days being constantly torn between wanting to be happy and everything else that makes me hate myself. I'm so broken and hopeless I find death as my only solace.
 

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I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, suicidal for three years now. There is nothing beautiful or good about my life. I'm ugly af, sensitive ah, dumbest girl ever, dysfunctional family that makes me go crazy and want to kill myself even more. I've always tried to be happy, to seek the good side in everything, as I know myself and the small thngs that could make me happy, but i've only ever known disappointement, pain, rejection and failure in my life. It's like I am a cursed person. I'm so unlovable that people who are nice and friendly to everyone would be awful only to me, something any other person would think i'm crazy if I told them, but that I have experienced endless times. I've always been confused throughout my life, not knowing how I should continue through my days being constantly torn between wanting to be happy and everything else that makes me hate myself. I'm so broken and hopeless I find death as my only solace.
No. You shouldn't. Are you alone at the moment? If you're feeling suicidal, you should probably seek help. There are people who will reach out and help you.

I'm sorry life has been so difficult for you. :(

EDIT: Here's the number of the national suicide hotline... you could call them, or chat with someone online. 1-800-273-8255
 

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Killing yourself doesn't fix anything, it only causes regret. All the things you are calling yourself don't mean anything and probably stem from a low self-esteem, and psychological issues. Humans tend to be horrible at judging themselves and their own abilities, so what you are calling yourself means nothing and is likely untrue.

I think it would be better to call the suicide hotline and talk to someone about this. I know you can get through this, just don't give up. Becuase suicide will only lead to sadness and regret, not happiness.

Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org!
 

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NO, you should not do anything feeling as unbalanced as you do.

Your writing by the way is very clear, meaningful, and flows very well, which is rare. You have gifts, you just have to locate them, ascribe meaning to them, and source yourself that way.

I can suggest to you that what you look for in life is what you will see. Now this is hard for people in the truth and authenticity motivations. You seem to be that way. You over-express internal truth and inauthenticity would be hard for you. But I can caution you that this over-expression, this wallowing in emotion, often accompanied by a sense of worthlessness, is not good for you. It has a few real hurtful prongs/barbs in it. First you know you are authentic and see beauty and uniqueness where they are in the world. You are less often fooled by deception and therefore you do not often try to deceive and even when you do, you sabotage that effort. Further you can apply the harsh truth and non-deception to yourself constantly and mercilessly and your writing indicates that this process is well underway. You need to balance your internal expression with external expression. You need to restrain your wallowing and self-hatred.

In looking to the external world you need to realize your flow within it. If you can find beauty and authenticity out there, especially that which is missed by most, and support it, you will be analogously supporting yourself as well. As an ongoing part of the process you need to realize that uniqueness is in some ways beauty, even if it is not called that. When you can internalize that truth you will be much healthier.

It''s clear you either have a weak anger set of motivations or you have directed that anger towards yourself. Compassion and challenge allow you to balance and to face the external world on steady mental feet. You have a right to exist and to be happy. Decide to use restrained anger to challenge those that challenge that right in you. You have an excellent command of verbiage. Use it. Avoid unnecessary cruelty but balance their challenge with your own. Fight back to assert your place in the world. You have a right to it.

We do not think you are crazy for revealing these perceptions. You are wallowing in your emotions. Self hatred is a devastating thing. It denigrates everything you do to recover. You are easily your own worst enemy in that sense. But do not despair. You are empowered. You have a choice. You can choose to stop this process and make it go the other way. Look for shinys! There are good things out there. Walker shortbread is out there. Kind words are out there. Uncut flowers are out there.

If you roleplay Roll20.net is a place to sign on to and get into a roleplaying group. It is free. Myth-Weavers is also free and it is play by post. If you need more and faster you can buy into an MMORPG and have some lighthearted fun that way. Black Desert is a good one for building a trade empire. You do need some distraction from your life and escapism can help.

Feeling worthless, wallowing in that emotion, is what causes powerlessness and helplessness. It is your choice to do that. It is your predisposition. You would be stunned and amazed at yourself if you learned to restrain this impulse. You would then be empowering yourself to look for the good, self-improve, and rise up from your ashes into a new phoenix. You can do it. Choose to do it.
 
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I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, suicidal for three years now. There is nothing beautiful or good about my life. I'm ugly af, sensitive ah, dumbest girl ever, dysfunctional family that makes me go crazy and want to kill myself even more. I've always tried to be happy, to seek the good side in everything, as I know myself and the small thngs that could make me happy, but i've only ever known disappointement, pain, rejection and failure in my life. It's like I am a cursed person. I'm so unlovable that people who are nice and friendly to everyone would be awful only to me, something any other person would think i'm crazy if I told them, but that I have experienced endless times. I've always been confused throughout my life, not knowing how I should continue through my days being constantly torn between wanting to be happy and everything else that makes me hate myself. I'm so broken and hopeless I find death as my only solace.
No. You shouldn't. Are you alone at the moment? If you're feeling suicidal, you should probably seek help. There are people who will reach out and help you.

I'm sorry life has been so difficult for you. :(

EDIT: Here's the number of the national suicide hotline... you could call them, or chat with someone online. 1-800-273-8255
Thank you so much for your kind reply. Unfortunately, I live in a country where mental health and care is a joke. I'm in a situation where my family and feelings of guilt and shame restrain me from claiming I am depressed and need support, all when it's my family that contributes to my pain. When I feel so much in pain I want to end my life but can't, it becomes so unbearable, I only find this forum as a comfort.
 

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NO, you should not do anything feeling as unbalanced as you do.

Your writing by the way is very clear, meaningful, and flows very well, which is rare. You have gifts, you just have to locate them, ascribe meaning to them, and source yourself that way.

I can suggest to you that what you look for in life is what you will see. Now this is hard for people in the truth and authenticity motivations. You seem to be that way. You over-express internal truth and inauthenticity would be hard for you. But I can caution you that this over-expression, this wallowing in emotion, often accompanied by a sense of worthlessness, is not good for you. It has a few real hurtful prongs/barbs in it. First you know you are authentic and see beauty and uniqueness where they are in the world. You are less often fooled by deception and therefore you do not often try to deceive and even when you do, you sabotage that effort. Further you can apply the harsh truth and non-deception to yourself constantly and mercilessly and your writing indicates that this process is well underway. You need to balance your internal expression with external expression. You need to restrain your wallowing and self-hatred.

In looking to the external world you need to realize your flow within it. If you can find beauty and authenticity out there, especially that which is missed by most, and support it, you will be analogously supporting yourself as well. As an ongoing part of the process you need to realize that uniqueness is in some ways beauty, even if it is not called that. When you can internalize that truth you will be much healthier.

It''s clear you either have a weak anger set of motivations or you have directed that anger towards yourself. Compassion and challenge allow you to balance and to face the external world on steady mental feet. You have a right to exist and to be happy. Decide to use restrained anger to challenge those that challenge that right in you. You have an excellent command of verbiage. Use it. Avoid unnecessary cruelty but balance their challenge with your own. Fight back to assert your place in the world. You have a right to it.

We do not think you are crazy for revealing these perceptions. You are wallowing in your emotions. Self hatred is a devastating thing. It denigrates everything you do to recover. You are easily your own worst enemy in that sense. But do not despair. You are empowered. You have a choice. You can choose to stop this process and make it go the other way. Look for shinys! There are good things out there. Walker shortbread is out there. Kind words are out there. Uncut flowers are out there.

If you roleplay Roll20.net is a place to sign on to and get into a roleplaying group. It is free. Myth-Weavers is also free and it is play by post. If you need more and faster you can buy into an MMORPG and have some lighthearted fun that way. Black Desert is a good one for building a trade empire. You do need some distraction from your life and escapism can help.

Feeling worthless, wallowing in that emotion, is what causes powerlessness and helplessness. It is your choice to do that. It is your predisposition. You would be stunned and amazed at yourself if you learned to restrain this impulse. You would then be empowering yourself to look for the good, self-improve, and rise up from your ashes into a new phoenix. You can do it. Choose to do it.
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. It is of great help. I understand what you are saying to me. These things, I many times almost grasp them and believe i'll make my way out and i'll be fine. In my life, surrendering was never an option, there are times I am so broken I completely detach from my own self but still have to keep enough reason to pull myself back and carry on feeling like nothing but a mere moving corpse, because I had to and couldn't numb these maddening feelings and hurtful thoughts.
But it's been so long, I live through every other day realizing that i'm getting deeper down a void where there is lesser and lesser chances i'd ever get out. The fleeting moments of hope, self love and determination I get to experience at times, would always end up against me and the harsh external truth reminds me of why I am not well and will never be, which can't help but feed my internal one. It's a never ending cycle. It's been so long that my only conviction and unfickle thing in life is that it'd be kinder on my tired soul to be dead. I'm forcibly alone in this and will always be.
Thank you so much again for your considerate reply.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Killing yourself doesn't fix anything, it only causes regret. All the things you are calling yourself don't mean anything and probably stem from a low self-esteem, and psychological issues. Humans tend to be horrible at judging themselves and their own abilities, so what you are calling yourself means nothing and is likely untrue.

I think it would be better to call the suicide hotline and talk to someone about this. I know you can get through this, just don't give up. Becuase suicide will only lead to sadness and regret, not happiness.

Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org! Suicide Hotlines - Suicide.org!
Thank you so much for your reply. My low self esteem has only gotten more pointed when life proves right everything that is wrong with me, and when the closest people to you have built and feed that constantly. It's hard to bounce back from being nothing, and being that continuously, with no way to be or think otherwise.
Unfortunately, I have to be alone in this battle, getting help is not an option in my case.
Thank you.
 

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I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, suicidal for three years now. There is nothing beautiful or good about my life. I'm ugly af, sensitive ah, dumbest girl ever, dysfunctional family that makes me go crazy and want to kill myself even more. I've always tried to be happy, to seek the good side in everything, as I know myself and the small thngs that could make me happy, but i've only ever known disappointement, pain, rejection and failure in my life. It's like I am a cursed person. I'm so unlovable that people who are nice and friendly to everyone would be awful only to me, something any other person would think i'm crazy if I told them, but that I have experienced endless times. I've always been confused throughout my life, not knowing how I should continue through my days being constantly torn between wanting to be happy and everything else that makes me hate myself. I'm so broken and hopeless I find death as my only solace.
No. You shouldn't. Are you alone at the moment? If you're feeling suicidal, you should probably seek help. There are people who will reach out and help you.

I'm sorry life has been so difficult for you. :(

EDIT: Here's the number of the national suicide hotline... you could call them, or chat with someone online. 1-800-273-8255
Thank you for your sympathy. Unfortunately, in my case getting help is not an option, so coping with it alone can only bring me to this state of utter hopelessness, and hoping for the time i'll stop feeling anything anymore.
 

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Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful reply. It is of great help. I understand what you are saying to me. These things, I many times almost grasp them and believe i'll make my way out and i'll be fine. In my life, surrendering was never an option, there are times I am so broken I completely detach from my own self but still have to keep enough reason to pull myself back and carry on feeling like nothing but a mere moving corpse, because I had to and couldn't numb these maddening feelings and hurtful thoughts.
But it's been so long, I live through every other day realizing that i'm getting deeper down a void where there is lesser and lesser chances i'd ever get out. The fleeting moments of hope, self love and determination I get to experience at times, would always end up against me and the harsh external truth reminds me of why I am not well and will never be, which can't help but feed my internal one. It's a never ending cycle. It's been so long that my only conviction and unfickle thing in life is that it'd be kinder on my tired soul to be dead. I'm forcibly alone in this and will always be.
Thank you so much again for your considerate reply.
Excellent, your glow shifted in this writing! See? You just needed a commiseration, not for pity's sake, none to be found in me. But, to inspire you that there are resonations in the external world, of you. I am you and you are me. Even these people that denigrate you are you and me. They do not see, they do not know. Forgive yourself (and so them), and keep fighting. You have to resonate for yourself and others as well. If they see your unflagging spirit you might be surprised to have them say so in a moment when they do not have ego defenses in place. Look for it. Source yourself from the beauty, internal and external, ... it is there.

Practice this awareness of momentary beauty. If it were always there, it would not have its alarming value, and, it is always there, eternal, in is emergence by intent everywhere, all around us. Smile at the spears that come your way. You are tested and take the hit. You bleed and you may die, but with a smile. That which you cannot, do not, but try. That which you can do, do, and try for better.

 

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I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, suicidal for three years now. There is nothing beautiful or good about my life. I'm ugly af, sensitive ah, dumbest girl ever, dysfunctional family that makes me go crazy and want to kill myself even more.

Your life changes after you become independent and live on your own so you might want to put some consideration to giving that life a try.

I've always tried to be happy, to seek the good side in everything, as I know myself and the small thngs that could make me happy, but i've only ever known disappointement, pain, rejection and failure in my life. It's like I am a cursed person. I'm so unlovable that people who are nice and friendly to everyone would be awful only to me, something any other person would think i'm crazy if I told them, but that I have experienced endless times. I've always been confused throughout my life, not knowing how I should continue through my days being constantly torn between wanting to be happy and everything else that makes me hate myself. I'm so broken and hopeless I find death as my only solace.
After you become independent and living on your own, you do not have to interact with others on any level beyond professional/work related/politically correct, you might be able to make a few friends over time but being completely alone is perfectly viable.

Source: Was completely alone for years due to living remotely/far and maintained only a work relationship with colleagues, did not feel bad at all and helped me become even more independent (mostly emotionally) than my already independent self.

P.S Just remember that you are responsible for your own happiness, fiance and entertainment, you are also responsible for the friends you make and people you don't want around you, no one is more reliable than yourself, no one is most trustworthy than yourself and no one can love you more than yourself.
 
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Thank you so much for your kind reply. Unfortunately, I live in a country where mental health and care is a joke. I'm in a situation where my family and feelings of guilt and shame restrain me from claiming I am depressed and need support, all when it's my family that contributes to my pain. When I feel so much in pain I want to end my life but can't, it becomes so unbearable, I only find this forum as a comfort.
I'm glad you can still find comfort here, @Lynzerilee. What's your real name, by the way? First name is fine. :)

You are someone who has worth. It's not something others can touch. It sounds like you're definitely surrounded by closed doors. But appearances can be deceiving. You are worth much. Do you have a circle of friends at all, outside of your family? Sometime, you really could meet people who become close to your heart. Sometime you could touch someone's life.

And I'm sorry your family is contributing to the pain you feel. That's got to be tough. I think it's still better to be honest with them than hide the truth that you're struggling.
 

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I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, suicidal for three years now. There is nothing beautiful or good about my life. I'm ugly af, sensitive ah, dumbest girl ever, dysfunctional family that makes me go crazy and want to kill myself even more. I've always tried to be happy, to seek the good side in everything, as I know myself and the small thngs that could make me happy, but i've only ever known disappointement, pain, rejection and failure in my life. It's like I am a cursed person. I'm so unlovable that people who are nice and friendly to everyone would be awful only to me, something any other person would think i'm crazy if I told them, but that I have experienced endless times. I've always been confused throughout my life, not knowing how I should continue through my days being constantly torn between wanting to be happy and everything else that makes me hate myself. I'm so broken and hopeless I find death as my only solace.
Hey, how are you doing? I wanted you to know that you can always PM me if you want to talk to someone. I'm not a therapist or anything like that but I hope I could say something that would make you feel better. Don't kill yourself, and if you ever feel like killing yourself, just think of the fact that I'm here, hoping you're still alive. :)
 

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you can change the way you think about things. when you're at your lowest you can only go up from there. but you have to change to do it, and no one else can change for you
 

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No, you shouldn't kill yourself. I have been close, and, after reassessing my goals, I came to find that things generally get better with perseverence. If you kill yourself, you will leave behind people who do or would love you (I'm talking present and past). You will shut down millions of opportunities that you could eventually see once you've gathered more experience and wisdom. No one should die by their own hand. Death itself is terrible enough. I would suggest finding some methods of expressing your feelings, as well as calling a helpline and going to the hospital, or at least seeing a psychiatrist who could get you on the right pills.

My mom's brother, who would be my uncle, killed himself when he was 18 and she was 16 or so. Even his dad, who hadn't shown him much love before, wept when he heard the news. People will care for you. People will miss you. People love you, whether or not you want to believe this.

I hope that your pain will come to an end in the near future. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
 

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We appreciate how supportive our members are, although in general Personality Cafe needs to direct people struggling with suicide to experienced professionals to ensure that they will get the help they need.

We PM members with information that can help direct them to appropriate resources and meanwhile encourage them to stay and build relationships with other members, since feeling like you are a part of something where other people care helps a great deal. We appreciate your compassion for each other and continue to encourage you to be friends to those in need.
 
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