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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I sort of posted about this a while back, but a male co-worker had gone around bad-mouthing me and my group's efforts. The reality of the situation was that he was swamped in his own personal/school work so neglected our group and his responsibilities. Still, he criticized everything he felt we were doing wrong although he wasn't even helping and fulfilling his own responsibilities. In the end, he received credit for the work we did, but I have been hearing that he has been saying some bad things about me (the leader) here and there.

2 of the members in the group have tendencies to sweep things under the rug and shrug it off, as in "it's over with, I don't want to deal with HIM anymore." They agree that he is being a jerk, but they aren't the type to stand up for their thoughts, or me for that matter. The other person in the group was just pissed at the dynamics, pissed at me to a certain extent for not leading the situation better (i.e.- kicking this guy out in the middle) and also pissed at me not catering to all of her ideas. Sorry, but it is a group effort and I have to take everyone's ideas and input into consideration. I respected her ideas and let her know, but she would get upset and critical when not all of her ideas were used. As a result, she left the project highly critical of me, for different reasons.

So it is just left to me to stand up for myself.

When I posted about this in the summer, I was encouraged to keep my head high and continue doing my work positively when I start my new job. However, this individual has quite a lot of social leverage and has reached further than I thought (and has criticized me a lot to people I know). Most people have told me on here that if I am patient and continue to work hard, people will see that what he has been saying is false. I am not so sure that society works this way though especially when it comes to socially influential people like him. I have been meeting people that have a certain preconception of me based on what he said, and it is making my life difficult.

I've realized that in the past, I've allowed myself to NOT stand up for myself and NOT voice my side of the issue. I tried to live by the saying, "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say it." This is also because I tend to want to hear both sides of a story and a lot of times, I tend to be more suspicious of the person doing the bad-mouthing (and I'm sure y'all can relate to this), but I realize that in the "real world," if you don't speak up about your side of the story when you have the chance, you're the one that gets screwed. Many times, I've let the opportunity slide to "clear up" my side and clean up my reputation, but I feel there is a lot of haziness in relationships because the person has a preconception of me/has heard things but doesn't know me well enough to ask me about it. And I just hate the idea of walking around with people having the wrong idea of me.

I guess I am looking for two things here -- am I right to be feeling this way? and also what are possible steps I can take to move forward? I don't want to "air out my dirty laundry" to people involved (since I don't know exactly how much he said to each person), but at the same time, I don't want to just be quiet and let the status quo stand.. :sad: Ideally, I would appreciate if I could talk about this vaguely one on one with people involved: "I've had a work project before that was challenging for me in these ways - a member was unable to fulfill his responsibilities, and it was discouraging to hear after the project that he has been criticizing me." But I cannot for the life of me think of any situations where this would come up (except in my own imagination).

So yes, help me with any advice or input about this situation. I do not consider myself a natural-born leader, so it is kind of difficult for me to navigate this situation, so I appreciate the input of everyone.In the future, I will be sure to reject any positions that place me in this type of stressful leadership position, as I realize that I am not a natural-born leader of people. I am a hard worker, but I don't think I have what it takes to lead people and be "politically" smart. Or maybe this experience will help me, who knows? And also, I am thinking of shooting this person an email along the lines of "I am disappointed to hear from some that you have been critical of our work as a group. I appreciate your opinions, but I believe that they would have been better said in a setting where we could've worked on it constructively to improve, rather than being bashed on." And somewhere I want to include how he was busy and didn't do his own work. This is a straightforward way I think, but I am concerned that this will create DRAMA. This individual is an extraverted feeler and I can already see all the drama that will ensue, but at least it will ensure (?) that he won't talk badly about me anymore. Also, this person is not an ENTJ, but I respect your inputs. :blushed:
 

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One person's opinion:

1. Your feelings as to whether you are right to feel this way are immaterial. You were insulted unnecessarily and it deserves retribution.

2. Yes, you should speak out about it. Remember, complaints go up the chain. Hopefully, you kept documentation as to what happened, so that you can paint a picture. I'm guessing you don't care for confrontation, which is the polar opposite of me, so it's difficult for me to suggest step-by-step instructions on how to deal with it. Bottom line, it was unprofessional and the workplace is no forum for such pettiness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
^ so this is at my "old" job, which I've left for many reasons. I left peacefully with others involved, but it's an issue for me because in terms of the social network, everyone knows each other and sometimes these places interact for many things.

So i don't know if complaints would be a good idea, since I've left.

I'm thinking about sticking to a straightforward email asking him to direct his issues to me. I feel that then I am checking him and letting him know what is up, and at least if this gets bigger, i have paper proof that I've asked him to stop spreading false things.
 

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well if i was you i would of tried to bite this in the butt when i first heard about it going on. there are a few easy steps to prevent stuff like from happening i have found.

step 1. take the person aside and talk to him about as an equal. dont go dressing down people like that or else u just conferm what they are say. and the other side of the coin you dont want to appear to nice to him. i think that u should get an idea of what the person is bitching about before hand, come up with counters to their arguments and then confront them. when u confront the person let them start bitching until they run out of things to say.DO NOT INTERUPT THEM WHEN THEY ARE BITCHING. finaly when they stop bitching wait about 30 seconds and then you clamly adress them with your counter points to their agruments.

step 2. if after you have done step 1 and the person starts bitching again publicly ask them to come to your office. this is the whole the treacher caught u in the act thing. and repeat step one. and this time warn them that there will be consiquences to their actions if they start publicly dissing you again.

Step 3. if you have to do step 3 then the person is a lost cause and is likely doing more harm to the group then good. for step 3 you are going to have to publicly confront the person. its best to do this in an open area where losts of people can see. in step 3 we are not trying to change the persons mind but reather to discredit them.they are likely going to start shouting and makeing a big fuss. you must remain clam and colected. you must present your case with a cool head. the person is likely to be flying off the handle and try to physicaly threaten you. DO NOT SHOW FEAR.the best result of step 3 is that his co-workers will see him acting like a big baby while you are trying to talk reason to him.

Only use step 3 as a last resort because it will cause a great disrupter to the work place. if you have to use step 3 always to put together something fun for your emplyes within half a week to week afterward. it will show that your not this devil boss the person was making you out to be.

Hope these steps help you. I found they work but it might not be your style and if you wish to look for another method i wish you the best of luck.
 

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Since you moved jobs, it would be pointless to speak up about it now. You should have done it when you were still working there. If you do it now, no one will care, they will think you are starting drama. Which in my point of view you would be. So suck it up, move on, and don't be so passive next time.
 

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curious0610--

ENTJwrtw has it right; I'm not clear on what we're trying to accomplish at this point.

Going forward, I would make sure you're friends with your boss, always do a good job, and smooth over the problems as they arise. For example, if someone was bad mouthing you, swing by your boss's office and ask,
You:

"Is there anything I can do to improve my work performance regarding A, B, C??"

Boss:

"I dunno, why are you asking?"

You:

"I've heard rumors going around stating I'm not doing a good job on project X. I put a lot of effort into the project, including 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. While I feel like I'm performing well, if I'm not, I'd like to know what I can do to improve my performance."
At this point it doesn't matter what your boss says; he or she will know you're an outstanding worker in virtue of even asking these questions, will get you're a team player by your humility, and will understand your dedication through your cool, drama-free professionalism.

Hope this helps.
 

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correct me if i am wrong but as i understood it she had a postion of power and one of her employes was talking trash about her and she is asking what to do if this kind of situtation comes up again what should she do.

as for u JHBowden i agree with what you say so long as its a co-worker that is talking trash. however, if it is someone who is working for her she has to be the one who has to deal with the problem. if she goes to her boss and has them deal with the problem then she forfits all the power of her postition.For problems with your employies refer back to my first post for simple steps of dealing with. Also i would like some feed back on those steps from my fellow ENTJs i am always trying to improve them thanks.
 

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however, if it is someone who is working for her she has to be the one who has to deal with the problem. if she goes to her boss and has them deal with the problem then she forfits all the power of her postition.
I agree completely.
 
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