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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I sort of posted about this a while back, but a male co-worker had gone around bad-mouthing me and my group's efforts. The reality of the situation was that he was swamped in his own personal/school work so neglected our group and his responsibilities. Still, he criticized everything he felt we were doing wrong although he wasn't even helping and fulfilling his own responsibilities. In the end, he received credit for the work we did, but I have been hearing that he has been saying some bad things about me (the leader) here and there.

2 of the members in the group have tendencies to sweep things under the rug and shrug it off, as in "it's over with, I don't want to deal with HIM anymore." They agree that he is being a jerk, but they aren't the type to stand up for their thoughts, or me for that matter. The other person in the group was just pissed at the dynamics, pissed at me to a certain extent for not leading the situation better (i.e.- kicking this guy out in the middle) and also pissed at me not catering to all of her ideas. Sorry, but it is a group effort and I have to take everyone's ideas and input into consideration. I respected her ideas and let her know, but she would get upset and critical when not all of her ideas were used. As a result, she left the project highly critical of me, for different reasons.

So it is just left to me to stand up for myself.

When I posted about this in the summer, I was encouraged to keep my head high and continue doing my work positively when I start my new job. However, this individual has quite a lot of social leverage and has reached further than I thought (and has criticized me a lot to people I know). Most people have told me on here that if I am patient and continue to work hard, people will see that what he has been saying is false. I am not so sure that society works this way though especially when it comes to socially influential people like him. I have been meeting people that have a certain preconception of me based on what he said, and it is making my life difficult.

I've realized that in the past, I've allowed myself to NOT stand up for myself and NOT voice my side of the issue. I tried to live by the saying, "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say it." This is also because I tend to want to hear both sides of a story and a lot of times, I tend to be more suspicious of the person doing the bad-mouthing (and I'm sure y'all can relate to this), but I realize that in the "real world," if you don't speak up about your side of the story when you have the chance, you're the one that gets screwed. Many times, I've let the opportunity slide to "clear up" my side and clean up my reputation, but I feel there is a lot of haziness in relationships because the person has a preconception of me/has heard things but doesn't know me well enough to ask me about it. And I just hate the idea of walking around with people having the wrong idea of me.

I guess I am looking for two things here -- am I right to be feeling this way? and also what are possible steps I can take to move forward? I don't want to "air out my dirty laundry" to people involved (since I don't know exactly how much he said to each person), but at the same time, I don't want to just be quiet and let the status quo stand.. :sad: Ideally, I would appreciate if I could talk about this vaguely one on one with people involved: "I've had a work project before that was challenging for me in these ways - a member was unable to fulfill his responsibilities, and it was discouraging to hear after the project that he has been criticizing me." But I cannot for the life of me think of any situations where this would come up (except in my own imagination).

So yes, help me with any advice or input about this situation. I do not consider myself a natural-born leader, so it is kind of difficult for me to navigate this situation, so I appreciate the input of everyone.In the future, I will be sure to reject any positions that place me in this type of stressful leadership position, as I realize that I am not a natural-born leader of people. I am a hard worker, but I don't think I have what it takes to lead people and be "politically" smart. Or maybe this experience will help me, who knows? And also, I am thinking of shooting this person an email along the lines of "I am disappointed to hear from some that you have been critical of our work as a group. I appreciate your opinions, but I believe that they would have been better said in a setting where we could've worked on it constructively to improve, rather than being bashed on." And somewhere I want to include how he was busy and didn't do his own work. This is a straightforward way I think, but I am concerned that this will create DRAMA. This individual is an extraverted feeler and I can already see all the drama that will ensue, but at least it will ensure (?) that he won't talk badly about me anymore. Also, this person is not an ENTJ, but I respect your inputs. :blushed:
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
^ so this is at my "old" job, which I've left for many reasons. I left peacefully with others involved, but it's an issue for me because in terms of the social network, everyone knows each other and sometimes these places interact for many things.

So i don't know if complaints would be a good idea, since I've left.

I'm thinking about sticking to a straightforward email asking him to direct his issues to me. I feel that then I am checking him and letting him know what is up, and at least if this gets bigger, i have paper proof that I've asked him to stop spreading false things.
 
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