I’m an ENFP female and I’ve been hopelessly in love with an ISTP male for nearly 7 years.
We met about a year after his wife passed away from cancer at 27. She was so beautiful and an amazing mother to his 4 kids (3 from his first marriage). We had instant chemistry but he would “disappear” whenever he started to have feelings for me. I always just gave him space and we never officially “dated” As time went on a really strong friendship grew. He dated several women over the years and it always crushed me because I wondered what he saw in them, that he didn’t see in me... I was just as pretty and I have a very good heart and am extremely loyal. One girl he dated, he actually considered marrying but she was diagnosed w stage 4 cancer and passed away shortly thereafter. He swore he would never fall in love again and confessed to one of his best friends that he thinks he’s cursed and that if he loves a girl, she will get sick and die. So we continued as very close friends and have a no pressure but awesome sexual relationship. All these years and we still can’t keep our hands off each other! Over time I became more involved in his business and I’m the one who helped his kids with applying for college, health issues etc. I manage his finances and he trusts me completely. He has been there for me just as much as I have been there for him... whenever I have a problem he’s always fixed it for me.
But about 7 months ago I began to feel hurt that he cannot define what exactly I am to him. I know he loves me deeply (I’ve made him cry, he’s jumped on the next flight home from Europe when I’ve needed him, and I can see it in his eyes) but he will not say it unless I DRAG it out of him. I know ISTP’s... feelings are not a topic they like to discuss.
I stopped initiating communication and spent time focusing on me. He would reach out and check in on me but I kept it brief and told him I need to find my partner in life... someone who loves me and wants a real relationship. We’ve NEVER gone more than a couple days without speaking and I think it shocked him that I was pulling away. Then about a month ago he had a major issue at his company (he’s the owner) and I’m the first person he came to. We figured it out and all the old feelings came rushing back. Two years ago I told him we could no longer kiss (even during sex) because it was too hard for me because I loved him and wanted more than he was willing to give. Then last week I went over to his house to drop off some paperwork. We had a little disagreement the night before and I was still cranky (we rarely disagree but when we do it’s ALWAYS about the same thing... I want to define what we are and but he won’t/can’t tell me) When I walked in the door I told him I was still cranky with him. He shocked me by wrapping his arms around me and kissing me. He’s been away with his son at an athletic competition and has kept in nearly constant contact. He even called me immediately after his son was knocked out of the running for 1st. He didn’t really say much, I could tell he was upset for his son and it was like he just wanted to know I was on the other end of the phone and was there with him.
So I guess my question is, do you think he resists having a real relationship because ISTPs are borderline incapable of recognizing their feelings? OR do you think he knows how he truly feels and just honestly doesn’t want a real relationship with me? I really need to figure this out...
We met about a year after his wife passed away from cancer at 27. She was so beautiful and an amazing mother to his 4 kids (3 from his first marriage). We had instant chemistry but he would “disappear” whenever he started to have feelings for me. I always just gave him space and we never officially “dated” As time went on a really strong friendship grew. He dated several women over the years and it always crushed me because I wondered what he saw in them, that he didn’t see in me... I was just as pretty and I have a very good heart and am extremely loyal. One girl he dated, he actually considered marrying but she was diagnosed w stage 4 cancer and passed away shortly thereafter. He swore he would never fall in love again and confessed to one of his best friends that he thinks he’s cursed and that if he loves a girl, she will get sick and die. So we continued as very close friends and have a no pressure but awesome sexual relationship. All these years and we still can’t keep our hands off each other! Over time I became more involved in his business and I’m the one who helped his kids with applying for college, health issues etc. I manage his finances and he trusts me completely. He has been there for me just as much as I have been there for him... whenever I have a problem he’s always fixed it for me.
But about 7 months ago I began to feel hurt that he cannot define what exactly I am to him. I know he loves me deeply (I’ve made him cry, he’s jumped on the next flight home from Europe when I’ve needed him, and I can see it in his eyes) but he will not say it unless I DRAG it out of him. I know ISTP’s... feelings are not a topic they like to discuss.
I stopped initiating communication and spent time focusing on me. He would reach out and check in on me but I kept it brief and told him I need to find my partner in life... someone who loves me and wants a real relationship. We’ve NEVER gone more than a couple days without speaking and I think it shocked him that I was pulling away. Then about a month ago he had a major issue at his company (he’s the owner) and I’m the first person he came to. We figured it out and all the old feelings came rushing back. Two years ago I told him we could no longer kiss (even during sex) because it was too hard for me because I loved him and wanted more than he was willing to give. Then last week I went over to his house to drop off some paperwork. We had a little disagreement the night before and I was still cranky (we rarely disagree but when we do it’s ALWAYS about the same thing... I want to define what we are and but he won’t/can’t tell me) When I walked in the door I told him I was still cranky with him. He shocked me by wrapping his arms around me and kissing me. He’s been away with his son at an athletic competition and has kept in nearly constant contact. He even called me immediately after his son was knocked out of the running for 1st. He didn’t really say much, I could tell he was upset for his son and it was like he just wanted to know I was on the other end of the phone and was there with him.
So I guess my question is, do you think he resists having a real relationship because ISTPs are borderline incapable of recognizing their feelings? OR do you think he knows how he truly feels and just honestly doesn’t want a real relationship with me? I really need to figure this out...