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a few weeks ago I met a girl at my new job at a coffee house..

the following week I sent her a Facebook request, to which she accepted.. she seemed cool, and she goes to college in the town I live in.

10 days later we both were working the same hours together on a closing shift..

It was busy, so it was tough to talk much..

about two hours after work ended, I decided to message her on Facebook saying that work was fun etc..

she replied and the next two days consisted of us emailing back and forth;

the conversation flowed so
naturally; I'd ask questions, and when I just replied with a comment, she'd ask a totally different question to keep the conversation going...

she seemed interested and always had thoughtful responses every time..

in the middle of all this, I decided to ask if she wanted to hang sometime.. it seemed silly to talk over email when we live so close..

she replied with something like; " I really have enjoyed talking to you, I think it's just best we talk on here, be friends and hang at work."

and later said "I don't really hang with people I'm not close to. but hey ya never know"

when I asked her what happened, why all the questions, she showed interest.. she replied that:

"I was just getting to know you because you seem like a cool guy and we work together".

i then cleared things up that it was just somewhere casual like meeting for coffee to talk, that's it.. and how I didn't want her to feel unsafe.

she said "no I don't feel unsafe, I just take a bit to warm up to new people... coffee? would we be cheating on (coffee house we work at)?"

she seemed keen on hanging at some point, and I told her we could just play it by ear, continue emailing online like she prefers, and maybe in a week or two see if she's comfortable with talking over coffee..

right after that, she replied with "to
be honest, I'm just not interested."

she told me that she was only talking to me to get to know me, someone she works with, nothing more.. I then made it clear that we're on the same page, how it's just two people who think the other is cool and want to get to know one another.. something she said about me.

and then that it's mostly
because of the age difference; I'm 27 and she's a sophomore in college.. that hadn't even crossed my mind.

and that she's okay with talking to me, but only on here..

I then replied and said:
"so you won't ever hang outside work with me over coffee,
even if you got to know me?"

and then;

"i can't tell if you actually value and want to talk to me on here, or are just indifferent to conversing.

(respecting people and their boundaries is important to me, i'm just wanting clarification so nothing is vague)

i'll move on, if you want to talk feel free to message me here... i'll keep this all between us, i don't want any drama at work so please do the same."

this was last night, and she hasn't replied.

we both are slow to trust, which I made clear to her.

I don't understand this,
it doesn't make sense to want to only talk online with no intentions to ever hang in person...

specifically for someone who asked me as much questions as she did, showed interest etc.. and we rarely work together, and she never works when school is back from break.

what's going on with this?
 

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So I think part of the problem is, 1, misunderstandings. You two have different ideas of what "getting to know someone" means. To her that is emailing/texting etc, and to you it's getting coffee. At least in this context. 2, You seem a bit too keen for coffee, and now, with someone who takes things slow and has a different communication style. 3, She's uncomfortable about the age difference.

She sounds like me in certain aspects. I do have very little friends, however...and I don't think I'm great at communication so I don't know if I have good advice? But I also prefer talking online and it takes a lot for me to hang out with someone mostly. Also you started to sound like a difficult person to chat with. Mostly here:

I then replied and said:
"so you won't ever hang outside work with me over coffee,
even if you got to know me?"

and then;

"i can't tell if you actually value and want to talk to me on here, or are just indifferent to conversing.

(respecting people and their boundaries is important to me, i'm just wanting clarification so nothing is vague)

i'll move on, if you want to talk feel free to message me here... i'll keep this all between us, i don't want any drama at work so please do the same."

this was last night, and her first time she didn't reply..
First of all, I didn't see her say that she won't ever hang outside work with you over coffee? Just that she takes a while to warm up to new people, so she prefers chatting via email. I think that's perfectly reasonable. She might even have social anxiety/or is just shy. It sounded like you were cool with that, but now you say this, which sounds a bit strange. Unless I'm missing context.

You said, "I'll move on" like this was something dramatic, when you only met her a few weeks ago. Then you confirm that it was in fact a big deal to you by implying that this could start drama at work. Comes off as clingy to me. If I was her I'd be hesitant to reply back to that as well, or I won't reply back at all (Not proud of this, but I do often do it when I feel someone is too clingy, I'm personally very sensitive to it).

& You told her that you would see how she felt about the coffee thing in a week or two? I personally wouldn't like it at all if I was being measured like this. To me it sounds like a due date. If I don't feel like getting coffee by that time then (blah) happens. I'm very go with the flow. Not to mention that to me two weeks is like a day. And it also takes me a long time to warm up to people as well. Maybe I'm missing something...I do think I'm difficult to get to know but meh...I understand her just fine?
 

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a few weeks ago I met a girl at my new job at a coffee house..

the following week I sent her a Facebook request, to which she accepted.. she seemed cool, and she goes to college in the town I live in.

10 days later we both were working the same hours together on a closing shift..

It was busy, so it was tough to talk much..

about two hours after work ended, I decided to message her on Facebook saying that work was fun etc..

she replied and the next two days consisted of us emailing back and forth;

the conversation flowed so
naturally; I'd ask questions, and when I just replied with a comment, she'd ask a totally different question to keep the covers toon going...

she seemed interested and always had thoughtful responses every time..

in the middle of all this, I decided to ask if she wanted to hang sometime.. it seemed silly to talk over email when we live so close..

she replied with something like; " I really have enjoyed talking to you, I think it's just best we talk on here, be friends and hang at work."

and later said "I don't really hang with people I'm not close to. but hey ya never know"

when I asked her what happened, why all the questions, she showed interest.. she replied that:

"I was just getting to know you because you seem like a cool guy and we work together".

i then cleared things up that it was just somewhere casual like meeting for coffee to talk, that's it.. and how I didn't want her to feel unsafe.

she said "no I don't feel unsafe, I just take a bit to warm up to new people... coffee? would we be cheating on (coffee house we work at)?"

she seemed keen on hanging at some point, and I told her we could just play it by ear, continue emailing online like she prefers, and maybe in a week or two see if she's comfortable with talking over coffee..

right after that, she replied with "to
be honest, I'm just not interested."

she told me that she was only talking to me to get to know me, someone she works with, nothing more.. I then made it clear that we're on the same page, how it's just two people who think the other is cool and want to get to know one another.. something she said about me.

and then that it's mostly
because of the age difference; I'm 27 and she's a sophomore in college.. that hadn't even crossed my mind.

and that she's okay with talking to me, but only on here..

I then replied and said:
"so you won't ever hang outside work with me over coffee,
even if you got to know me?"

and then;

"i can't tell if you actually value and want to talk to me on here, or are just indifferent to conversing.

(respecting people and their boundaries is important to me, i'm just wanting clarification so nothing is vague)

i'll move on, if you want to talk feel free to message me here... i'll keep this all between us, i don't want any drama at work so please do the same."

this was last night, and she hasn't replied.

we both are slow to trust, which I made clear to her.

I don't understand this,
it doesn't make sense to want to only talk online with no intentions to ever hang in person...

specifically for someone who asked me as much questions as she did, showed interest etc..

what's going on with this?
Sounds like she's afraid that if you 2 hang out then you might like her more than a platonic level which would interfere with her work and she doesn't want to mix work with play or any emotional attachment

That's my best guess- I don't know I can't relate- I'm better with real life conversation than online.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
 

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I mean, sounds like she just isn't interested in hanging out haha.

I've been in her shoes a lot. At work, I'm always friendly, making jokes, and always asking questions. People tend to like me because of that--showing interest, and actually listening. But there's very few people I'd actually want to invest time into outside of work hours. I prefer being that kind of close with a small net of people.

However, she probably also picked up on the fact that you like her more than a friend (from the, "I'm not interested" comment.) And she doesn't want to fan that flame at all, even if you try to convince her that it's just friends.
 

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Yes, I can understand taking a posture of only wanting to talk online. For personal reasons--either just the way she is, or because of something in the past--she wants to get to know a person thoroughly at arm's length before getting in a position in which things could heat up and (as she supposes possible) get out of control. I'm not too far from being that way myself. Your being persistent and (as she would see it) putting her on the defensive makes her all the more certain that the arm's length method is wise. I'd say you need to dial it back . . . show less interest . . . see what happens. If she likes you to the degree that things can work out for you two, in response to your showing less interest she will bit by bit take the initiative. If she doesn't like you to that degree, then you haven't lost anything.
 

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I agree with both of the above posts. It can be a frustrating situation, but trying to force anything from this point will only have the opposite effect.

The best course of action now is to dial things right back and prove to her you respect her choices. Once you have earned that respect and perhaps trust she may choose to initiate something more intimate.

Or maybe she won't.
 

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Also, I should add that many women have had bad experiences with stalkers that can be very scarring.

So don't take her actions too personally.
 

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Wait didn't I reply to this
 

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I understand you are confused and to you her behavior is confounding. But reread your own declaration that you respect boundaries, and then consider that different people set them in different ways. Her response that she doesn’t hang with people she doesn’t know well WAS a boundary. The follow up “who knows” was leaving open possibilities OR letting you down easy. At that point it would have been wise to back up and let her lead the conversation. Please be mindful too that with this being a colleague you need to err on the side of cautious distance or risk running afoul of work rules regarding pursuit of people who already said no.

I might suggest not contacting her but next time you see her at work apologize briefly for being forward and leave it at “you know how to contact me if you want to chat online” and then leave her alone.

Edit to add that I just reread your timeline and, you know, it’s Christmas. If she didn’t respond maybe she’s busy spending time with people she knows for some time? I’d just let it go at this point at least for a week or two til the holidays are over.
 

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She said what she wanted: a platonic friendship at work. Asking for more clarification is just going to come off as creepy and might get you in trouble. Give her space, let her approach you if she wants. Actually my real advice is to act like you guys never talked at all.
 
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Discussion Starter #14
@Alesha she shouldn't have led me on and asked me all these questions, say all these things about how i'm a cool guy/she wants to get to know me etc..

even after she told me she wasn't interested yesterday, she later said that we can still talk online..

i think she was interested, but is afraid to get close
 

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@Alesha she shouldn't have led me on and asked me all these questions, say all these things about how i'm a cool guy/she wants to get to know me etc..

even after she told me she wasn't interested yesterday, she later said that we can still talk online..

i think she was interested, but is afraid to get close
Please don't presume. People change their minds. She probably doesn't find you that interesting anymore. Let it go.
 

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Your replies are too pushy and come across as too desperate/needy. She already mentioned to you multiple times where she was at, and tried to lighten the conversation; but you kept at it being too persistent/insistent of your 'good' intentions... normally people don't need to keep reiterating those 'good' intentions to another, or continuously forecast what they plan on doing in the coming weeks to further the - already stated, - unwanted 'relationship'. Lastly the language you're using can be taken as a ploy of manipulation, trying to bait them into feeling bad about themselves for not giving you a chance and/or pity for you; which at any stage of a 'relationship' is probably going to be signaling red flags. What you've written to them, and the seeming frequency of it implies that you don't know how to maintain proper boundaries; or know when to quit; and that is a tell, which is that to you, it's all about you you you!

Sometimes it's better to quit while you've just lost, instead of continuing to come across as someone who's trying too hard to 'win'.
 

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@Alesha she shouldn't have led me on and asked me all these questions, say all these things about how i'm a cool guy/she wants to get to know me etc..

even after she told me she wasn't interested yesterday, she later said that we can still talk online..

i think she was interested, but is afraid to get close
She didn't lead you on - also cool guy doesn't mean she's attracted to you more than platonic level. Yes she likes conversing with you but may be you send a vibe that it could mean more than friends ? That's why she ran off?

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
 
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@FreeSpirit777 there is a history of behaviour exhibited; whether or not you choose to admit to anything is completely your call. But I think until you actually try to see/understand how your words/actions come across to others - particularly the object of affection(s), - you'll always maintain a kind of victim mentality; instead of making the necessary changes to adapt and improve.

Best of luck to you.
 

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@FreeSpirit777 your insistence on clarifying your intentions is perceived by P-types (I'm going to make this generalisation, because I'm the third P-type in the thread to see it this way) as needy, clingy and uncool. It's off-putting. I have an INFJ friend and you remind me of him - he's very intense and while I like him, sometimes his need for long conversations and emotional connection suffocates me.

I also find your topic title and the contents of your post vaguely inconsistent. How can you feel so strongly about a fresh, work related friendship as to use words such as heartache and betrayal? I accept that this is how it feels to you, but I find it absolutely puzzling.

I think that if you can dial back these feelings of betrayal and just be chill, you can slowly recover from the wrong turn with your coworker. If you are patient and let her set the pace of your relationship and if you stop trying to clarify your intentions every time you're misunderstood you stand much better chances with P-types in my opinion.
 
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