Personality Cafe banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,202 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Any good phrases to shut down drama?

Preferably phrases that are not, "I'm not interested." Although, I have started to sometimes use that one ever so gently.

My nutty coworker just came up to me and showed me a picture from several years go with her and a girl that she is no longer friends with and now despises. She of course wants me to feel the same malice towards this girl as she does (aka confirm that you are on my team). I think they are both ridiculous. Go away. Lol. She was waiting for me to comment, and I just said, "Wow, that was a long time ago."

I think I'm pretty much used to my way with dealing, but I'd love some bonus phrases if you have any good ones. I'd love to be even LESS reactive. Maybe I can make a game out of it. She does this to me all of the time.
 
  • Like
Reactions: justjay and dlb

·
Registered
Joined
·
784 Posts
Any good phrases to shut down drama?

Preferably phrases that are not, "I'm not interested." Although, I have started to sometimes use that one ever so gently.

My nutty coworker just came up to me and showed me a picture from several years go with her and a girl that she is no longer friends with and now despises. She of course wants me to feel the same malice towards this girl as she does (aka confirm that you are on my team). I think they are both ridiculous. Go away. Lol. She was waiting for me to comment, and I just said, "Wow, that was a long time ago."

I think I'm pretty much used to my way with dealing, but I'd love some bonus phrases if you have any good ones. I'd love to be even LESS reactive. Maybe I can make a game out of it. She does this to me all of the time.
I always say something like this: "Thank you for sharing this with me. Although, right now, I'm trying to practice not getting involved in anything dramatic, because it has had negative consequences on my life. I mean no judgement. It's something personal I'm working on, for myself. Thank you again for sharing though."

This works 100% of the time, and if you practice; you'll be able to say it without hurting the other person.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,345 Posts
“Cool.” and “Okay.” especially when they make no sense as a reply always work for me. Or just a raised eyebrow. Better yet, total silence.
 
  • Like
Reactions: twirler

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,734 Posts
Your brief response was gold (the "Wow, that was a long time ago" thing).

What I do is simply not say anything. I'm surrounded by drama :( The number one source of it are both my parents, with their respective husband and girlfriend, and their troubles with their coworkers and neighrbors and whatnots. In the very beginning of their problems, when they had just gotten together with their now SOs, I would listen to their problems and give advice, but when years passed and I saw that they never listened to my advice, and they just loved to live in chaos and they created their own drama because they find a sickening comfort in it, I decided to save my energy. Because it was pointless. These kinds of people just want you to commiserate with them over coffee day after day, year after year, and nothing changes. Every human being needs to vent every once in a while, but there should be an action of taking charge of their lives after the venting. When that's not the case... sorry people but get a fucking diary to dump your pointless hate, and leave humans alone.

So I just listen, bite my tongue, and try to change the topic as soon as possible using my brilliant Ne, which makes the change of topic seem natural to the people. Sometimes the drama is so mind-numbing that I space out as they speak and I just daydream. When I come back to earth, they're still talking, and I just semi-smile, nod, and sip my coffee. Feel free to space out and then go on an Ne tangent about something in the environment ;) You'll confuse them.
With past dramatic coworkers I did the same. Pretend I'm listening, not say a word, and space out. My coworkers actually gave up confiding in me, because I confused them. I looked as if I was listening intently, but I also looked like I wasn't. They were so confused (they told this to third parties, and the third parties told me).

So my answer to this is: Never engage. And you can do this in two different ways, or combining the two intuitively.
1. Don't speak, pretend you're listening, but focus on something else, like a fantasy inside your head.
2. Respond something diplomatic that doesn't agree with them and doesn't fuel their drama. Like what you said was a good example. When you are diplomatic for too long and they see that they can't find a confidante in you, they will give up and go get another victim.
Also using monosyllables like neutralchaotic said. I tend to make gutural noises, I don't even manage to get out monosyllables. I will be like "Mmmhh" "Uh-ha" and never look at the person in the face while making my noises, I stare at people around us, or at the wall behind the person, or I do something active without looking at them as if I'm busy. Like with the worst coworker I ever had, she would come in gossiping, and I would immediately stand up from my chair and start organizing a cabinet full of papers, so I didn't have to make eye contact with her. Every now and then I'd be like "Uh-ha" and then make a comment about the papers to distract her attention to something else "Oh wow these papers are so disorganized". After three months she literally gave up on me and moved on to the next poor victim.

In the case of my parents, it's the opposite, I think... ? I mean I stare at the wall behind them as I sip my coffee, and I'm daydreaming as I say "Mmhh" "Uh-ha", and I think that what happens is that they believe I'm actually listening and they get this feeling of being understood. It's like what I said in another thread where people get a deeper experience of themselves. It's so weird lol. But it works for me in any case, because I can just be in my own fantasy and enjoy my own mind.

Just whatever happens, never try to comfort them in their misery, because it backfires. Stay silent, detached and diplomatic.
 
  • Like
Reactions: twirler and dlb

·
Registered
Joined
·
902 Posts
I hate drama. I have a Fi overload during those times. I realize I do and will remove myself from the situation. I rarely have a situation where the drama directly involves me, but at those unfortunate events, I will either apologize or nod and agree.
 
  • Like
Reactions: twirler

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,202 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
@entheos - It is like you know my life. Scary. Those people you mention are EXACTLY the kinds of people I am talking about! Thanks for the Ne tactic suggestion. I will start upping my usage of that one. I have before and they definitely get mad. Haha. "Umm, okay."

I do utilize diplomacy as much as possible. It is hard though because never taking sides is HIGHLY frowned upon where I work, but I have done it for 10 solid years, and I guess I'll just keep doing it. Haha.

Thank you so much for the practical solutions and examples. Really helpful to me. I need to memorize it since I can't tape it to my wall. Some of them I do already, but these are great.

The guttural noises is hilarious and awesome. I am definitely going to try that one.

"DID YOU SEE WHAT SO AND SO DID?"
"hmm, what? oh, no, I don't think I did."
"EVERYTHING THEY DO IS WRONG!"
"Oh.. Hmm.. cough... choke.. I think I need some more coffee."
 
  • Like
Reactions: entheos

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,202 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
@entheos - I just have to point out how great this example is. Haha. SO good. Here's the thing though. If I am going to comment on the papers, I have to say something POSITIVE about them. Isn't that crazy? My drama maker is SO negative that she latches onto anything bad I have to say about anything or anyone, so I never say anything bad ever. Even about the papers. Lol.

Like with the worst coworker I ever had, she would come in gossiping, and I would immediately stand up from my chair and start organizing a cabinet full of papers, so I didn't have to make eye contact with her. Every now and then I'd be like "Uh-ha" and then make a comment about the papers to distract her attention to something else "Oh wow these papers are so disorganized".
 
  • Like
Reactions: entheos

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,058 Posts
I just acknowledge, don't comment, and move on. As a substitute teacher I have little to offer (not that I would) anyways.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,202 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
@entheos - Ooooo, so it is kind of hard to pretend like you're listening but thinking about something else. I just tested it out. I know I zone out in life, but my coworker was just talking to me and I tried to zone, but she was like staring intently right at me. Of course I dodged with my eyes and tried to focus on something else, but it was not easy.

I also knocked over a greeting card on her desk when I was in there, and she goes, "yeah, don't try to stand that up." No comment by me. "It's from my dad." Grunting and a little laugh by me. Lol. And then I zipped out of there as fast as I could! I think she may still have been talking... haha.
 
  • Like
Reactions: neutralchaotic
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top