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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello wonderful INFJs!

We had some threads recently about falling in love and it got me thinking. What has been your experience with romantic relationships in terms of type? This has probably been discussed before but maybe not specifically in the INFJ forum.

Personally, all my best friends have always been N-types, so I always assumed my romantic partners would be N types as well. I thought this even before I knew anything about MBTI... I thought "whoever I end up with has to be a nerdy kind of person, the kind of person you can talk about anything with for hours." aka... N-types.. :)

However, real life has proven me wrong. This is long, so I'll break it up to make it easy on the eyes :)

Story about my first relationship with an ISFP:

 

My first relationship of any importance (ended up being 4 years) was with an ISFP. It started in the beginning of our senior year of college. When I first met him (a couple years before we started dating), I thought he was cute, and I had a low-key crush on him. I hung out with him a few times, but conversation was not scintillating. I sensed we didn't have much in common... well, we had some things in common, but I didn't really feel we had enough common to be in a relationship. However, we just happened to start hanging out a lot.... and before we knew it, we were dating. It was a rocky start. I felt really ambiguous about it. Right at the beginning of the relationship, he came to visit me at college for a weekend. We hadn't really fully broken the ice... we had kissed, but hadn't really made out or anything more. I remember the weekend just being... ug. It was boring. I felt like I was stuck with him the whole weekend, since he was visiting me, and we just didn't have that much to talk about. I felt tense and awkward the whole time and I was so glad when he left. I thought to myself, this relationship can't possibly have any future. I need someone I can talk to. He's just not that kind of person. (It turned out he saw it all differently--he had really enjoyed the weekend, and the lack of conversation didn't bother him). I actually broke up with him, after only a few weeks. He was really upset. Then maybe a week or two later, he convinced me that we should get back together. Thank goodness he did... We just started hanging out more and more, and things changed. We broke the ice, got comfortable with each other in the bedroom, etc etc. We got to that point in relationships where you don't feel awkward with the other person if you're not talking. Our conversations were still not very enjoyable to me. A lot of times I would feel bored with him, wishing he was more intuitive, more into discussing ideas. But most of the time, it didn't matter. We reached a level of intimacy I'd never had with another person before. We told each other "I love you" after 4 months. After maybe 6 months he told he was "in love with me", which apparently was different from just saying "I love you" (I guess it's an Fi thing?). I have to admit, I never was in love with him. But I did love him a great deal, and still do, even though we've been broken up almost 2 years. Eventually, our differences caught up to us. I was bored around him because he didn't like discussing ideas, and he was bored with me because I wasn't exciting enough for his Extraverted Sensing mind. Our Fi and Fe clashed horribly at times (ug, still makes me shudder).
So, bottom line: it wasn't meant to last, but I'm beyond thankful that it happened. If I had followed my gut instinct -- and not wanted to get together with an ISFP -- I would have missed out on the most amazing relationship of my life.


Story about attempting to date N types:

 

So, after we broke up, I tried to date again. I went on dating websites, and specifically looked for NTs or NFs.
(Not such a hard thing, actually). I went on four or five first dates with NTs or NFs, and got rejected each time. What was their complaint? "I felt like we didn't have much to talk about." The same thing that almost ended the relationship with my ISFP, on my end. Given that I knew all these types were Ns, I began to suspect that they were all looking for the ideal partner. I felt like I was disappointing them all-- they judged me really quickly, and found me wanting. One time, I went on two dates with an INTJ guy (it said he was INTJ on his profile and it seemed to match). On each date, we sat and talked for about 2 hours straight... about books, ideas, movies, anything... the conversation just flowed. Later, after he rejected me, he said "I felt like we were just scrambling to find something to talk about." I found myself sighing and I thought back to the beginning of my relationship with my ISFP... when we spent a whole weekend not really having much conversation at all, but he didn't really care at all, because he could sense the growing intimacy between us. What is it with Ns and this pedestal we put ~conversation~ on? Why does good conversation seem like the be-all, end-all of relationships?
I thought back to how many dates I had personally rejected through out high school and college because of lack of good conversation... how easily I almost rejected my ISFP... Any of those dates I rejected could have been a good relationship, maybe.


Story about a second ISFP I sort of dated:

 

So anyway, dating wasn't going well. Meanwhile, I met another ISFP at work. He wanted me to be his girlfriend... we went on dates... things got intimate really fast. He was the best kisser I'd ever been with. He was absolutely terrible at making conversation. I felt so bored, awkward, and tense whenever I was around him. I sensed that we didn't match. But then we had fun together. We played pool at a bar. We watched horror movies and made out afterwards. It was actually okay. I didn't feel judged or idealized him, not one bit... his point of view seemed to be "you're cool. You're single. I'm single. Let's be together." Just like my first ISFP had been. Well, eventually I just let things drop between us. He had some sexual things that made me uncomfortable and like I said, I really just didn't enjoy being together except during certain times.


Story about an ISFJ I may be dating currently:

 

So, since him, I've tried to date a few more NFs... no luck. Nothing. When I met an ISFJ at work who I was kind of attracted to and I knew to be single, I thought, hmmm... So I got to know him. This was maybe four months ago. We've been going on dates since then. We've kissed a few times, but overall the relationship is moving extremely slowly. He seems to have a lot of anxiety regarding physical contact, but we're getting through that, bit by bit. It's okay. He's super sweet. We don't have a lot in common, but we do have some things in common. Our conversation isn't fantastic, but overall I enjoy being with him. We have Fe-style conversation that I was missing with my ISFPs. He has the same attitude about me... "You're cool. We're both single. Let's be together. Why not?" He doesn't judge me. Sometimes he aggravates me by how planned everything has to be... his interests are not inspiring... but. I'll just see where it goes. He's the kind of person I wouldn't have given the time of day in high school. If I had gone on a few dates with him for some reason, I likely would have INFJ-door-slammed him when I realized we weren't soulmates who would be laughing hysterically and/or having fascinating conversation every second we were together...
But I've learned a lot since then. I'm not going to do that.
I predict I'll get along better with him than I did with the ISFPs, because we both use Fe, not Fi. Maybe it's okay if we don't have ~amazing conversation~. Clearly, looking for amazing conversation has not worked out for me.


So, just something to think about. Thoughts? What are your experiences? :) What types have you dated/ married and what's your opinion overall on type compatibility with INFJs?
 

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My cat had some ISFJ-like qualities :happy:


Apologies, I haven't really been in a romantic relationship yet:).

I can share a bit about friends and family and type compatibility as I've experienced it, and maybe also the types, or more accurately general aspects of people that I find attractive as related to type.

Family:
 

Mom: INFJ We have always been very close. I think we both tend to feel rather out of place personality-wise, but having such a good understanding of each others' personalities from our own experiences has helped both of us in many ways. From my longtime experience with her, I would speculate that an INFJ-INFJ romantic relationship has the potential to be quite comfortable, intellectually exciting, supportive, and understanding.
Dad: ENTP We have a different but also great understanding relationship. We share a sense of humor and a lot of the ways we look at the world. He's the one I'll have fun talking to when I get some slightly crazy vision I just have to pursue, even when my mom is skeptical. Similarly, since he's an architect, I'll sometimes ask him his opinion when I have question on my own projects, and we'll always have fun taking about that. I think talking to him, perhaps it's the Ne, makes me extravert my creative process a bit more, and that can be really good.
I imagine an INFJ-ENTP romantic relationship would be intellectually stimulating, would pull both a little out of their comfort zones in a good way, and also be supportive and caring.
(half) Sister: I'm not sure of her type and I haven't spent a huge amount of time with her, but she has struck me as perhaps an INFx of some kind, and we also very much enjoy each others' company.

ESTJ friend
 

I'm not terribly close to her anymore, but we used to be inseparable, before high school (at that point, different schools helped separate us too). In our own ways, we both can be detail-oriented, perfectionistic, and creative, and I sometimes enjoy the company of someone more practical and grounded. Thinking back to when we were very close, she seemed so much more like an ISFP then. We were both very imaginative, often inhabiting all sorts of unique worlds (of which, from what I remember, I was more often than the inventor). I'm still not entirely sure about her type, though she did score ESTJ on a test I asked her to take not too long ago for fun, and she didn't seem to disagree with it (nor did she look much more into it). She has an ISxJ 1 friend who drives me a little crazy though, I must admit!
ExFJ "friend"
 
for a good number of years, I considered this girl to be my best friend. And in some ways, we got along very well sometimes. But she could be quite mean, bossy, emotionally manipulative with teachers more than with me on that one, but it was obnoxious), domineering, and stubbornly closed-minded. We were classmates from third to around seventh grade, homeschooled in small classes since fourth together. Hearing about things later from my mom, apparently many of the teachers felt she wasn't a good friend/influence for me. I just felt rather bad that they liked me so much more than her, but I certainly can see how she could be a pain to them! Looking back, I'm just guessing that a dominant Fe type might have fit her. And in general, dom-Fe types can be a bit tiring for me, even when I like them a lot (I have had some good experiences too!). I wouldn't expect an INFJ-ExFJ romantic relationship to be automatically such a great bet, but not impossible:)

ESTP friend
 
I'm guessing on this one's type as well. Another homeschooler, pretty independent and adventurous, lives in the moment more, likes new experiences, etc.. He was just really nice to be with. I suspect he may have had a little crush on me at some point, and I can't deny it was just slightly reciprocated. He was just so not like me and he we also got along well. Maybe in our differences, we were more intriguing to each other as well. He was smart and fun to talk to, and he made me more excited about doing things more. I could imagine having great fun with an ESTP on some wild outdoor adventure even, something I likely wouldn't do or enjoy otherwise. They have an interesting energy that way.

The closest ones to romantic interests:
 

You probably already know a little about my first one, the only time I think I've really had strong romantic feelings for someone, from my old thread that's been popping up again recently:) That was in eighth grade. If I had to guess on his type, I might say ENTP. He was quite a prankster. We were friends, I think he liked me a bit too. We got a habit of poking each other, which he started, of course. Sweet memories:)
Was Mozart an ExFP? LOL. All I know is that I couldn't not love a mind that conceived such music as his.
That's about it for this category!

In general:
I feel I am often very drawn to people's minds most of all. Some of the slightly romantic attractions I've had were, I think, most based on that. Not that other things aren't also important, but for the purposes of discussing personality and attraction, this is certainly one of the biggest things that can grab me or make me disinterested. And along with that, I think, I would say that other intuitive types, and particularly dominantly perceiving intuitive types, excite me the most.
 

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My birth family relationships are mostly introverted,my mum is and INFP, dad is (suspected) INTJ, and i'm not certain on my sisters types. My middle sister is a definite introvert, and my eldest sister could be either introverted or extroverted, she displays characteristics of both.

My mum and I have struggled ~ I have always loved her dearly, but I both loved and hated her growing up. She has struggled with mental health problems for a long time, but none of us realised that's what was happening as we were all too young.
Thankfully, our relationship has returned to our version of normal. She is warm, kind, wonderfully eccentric and brilliant. The lady has had a very hard life and I have always admired her for being so strong. This might sound like an odd thing to say but I can tell we were supposed to belong to each other, I've always had the lingering feeling that she was always meant to be my mother.

My dad and I never argue, I always feel so at home in his company. I have always idolised him, every time I feel a bit lost or confused I think, what would dad do? He is incredibly wise, intelligent, strong and kind. He's such a warm presence in my life, I know that whatever I do that dad supports me, even if he doesnt agree with me and I think thats amazing.

My relationship with my husband and daughter is the most important in my life. The three of us are wonderfully close. My husband as I mentioned above, is an ISTJ, he is my best friend, my soulmate. My baby girl is only 3 so I have no idea of her type yet - I do know that she is most likely an introvert, though. We were definitely all supposed to be a family.
 
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I don't think my rather limited romantic experience is type-related, and I believe this is because I haven't connected with myself. I'm always holding back too much to really feel. Doesn't mean it hasn't been good, but... It is ultimately impossible to have true relationships if you​ are not there. It is also a terrible thing to do to another human being - to pretend you're there when you're not.
 

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I try to be honest with myself and accept that I have a very different relationship with other Ns (which is generally more fulfilling and positive) than with S types in the long-term. I just can't see myself being with an S in a romantic relationship. As a friend, fine, but not in a dating-type scenario.

My family are definitely all S types and I find conversations with them don't fulfil me. It's not that they aren't smart, because they're definitely above average, but their topics of interest are rather shallow. My mother is an ISFJ, and my dad an ESFJ. My brother, and ISFP, is perhaps the most 'deep' person in my immediate family but I find him dull and we don't get along much.

I would like to see myself with an Ne-dom type in the future as they are the type which makes me happiest. I've considered types like INTP and INTJ but it remains to be seen whether it could work. A particularly mature INTP might be on the cards but I've yet to see one that wasn't just online.

But ENTPs and ENFPs make me feel most at peace. I've considered ENTJ but again, it remains to be seen whether it could work - I tend to find them too overbearing and dominating. In general, Fi and Ti doms are ones I would struggle to see a future with. But as passing friends, sure.
 

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I knew little to nothing about typology when I first started getting into romantic relationships. I am not sure if that is a good thing. I generally think it's probably good to see who you're attracted to organically rather than calculating compatibility by type. But...at the same time, I think it's a useful tool as well. But yeah, in my case it all worked out so I can't say I regret not knowing more about typology or something lol. Anyways, I'm rambling.

Past relationships
 


So yeah, not sure on what all my past bf's were but I'm fairly certain they were all of the SJ or SP variety. I wanna say like a couple of ISTP's and one ISFJ but who knows. Honestly, they weren't very remarkable relationships so I don't even have much to say about them. I just remember playing the leader in them and deceiving myself. Telling myself they were what I wanted in a guy when they really were a far cry from what I was looking for. I stayed in them because I was more afraid of being alone. So I would stuff it down, and was very good at convincing myself otherwise. But you can never really convince your heart of these things. I didn't have many close friends at this time so that was part of it. Wanting intimacy in my life that I was lacking. It was selfish and foolish looking back on it but that's where I was at that point in my life.


It's funny what you say about conversation because I can so relate to that. I even had this little notebook where I would write down things I was curious about that i wanted to ask them (and didn't want to forget) or just conversation starters lol. I would come up with so many and cross them off the list as I went. I really love digging into people and getting to know them but it's all magnified when we are close. And, it's not like they weren't interested too...it just seemed like I took it to a whole other level and they weren't as enthusiastic about all these personal details like I was.


However, I easily overlooked the conversation thing at the time because I had no past experiences to compare them to. The conversation wasn't a thing I was aware of at the time. It was only in hindsight that I realized how mentally bored I was in these relationships and how much I was always the leader. A relationship is a team. In addition, I wanted my equal or even a leader, I didn't want to be the lead all the time. I didn't know I wanted all that though until I experienced it, if that makes sense. There were many things I didn't realize I wanted until I encountered them when I met my husband.

Note:
I did have a really good ISFJ friend at one point in my life so this isn't all to say that I do not get on with sensors very well. She and I talked mostly about our relationships and what not and we were both very long-winded. We just didn't go abstract/theoretical.

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Hubby
 

It just so happens that my husband is an INFJ, also a type 6 like me. And also a 612 sx/sp like me. Purely coincidence. We didn't know anything about typology at the time. Well, he knew some but it wasn't all that in depth. We randomly met online in some random chatroom. We weren't looking for love at the time, just conversation. He was trying to kill boredom while he was home from college (because his parents had just moved and everything was in boxes). It was the first chatroom he had ever been in, actually.


Our conversation started off enjoyable enough, but we sure did clash a lot in the beginning. He was very ....I don't know what the word is? Honestly, when I look at Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's relationship (Pride & Prejudice), it reminds me of us so that's really the best way I can sum it up lol. So it was some dynamic like that where I misjudged him and took his more abrasive side to mean he was pretty cold (though I didn't think anything truly bad about him) whereas I saw myself as more sensitive. As it went on, I liked that he called me out on my bullshit lol. It made me laugh rather than making me angry. It was just refreshing because I was always so used to hearing people sing my praises before that. I was pretty self-righteous at this point in my life.


Before I met him, I knew i wanted someone who could teach me and who was understanding. Those were really the two main things I remember wanting. He has a very teaching type communication style, very intuitive. I felt like he knew me better than myself or was good at articulating things I had not found words for yet.


After a year was when I realized I had misjudged him and that he actually has a really beautiful heart and that so many of his intentions were guided by his compassion for people, it wasn't more cold like I had previously thought. If I had known about typology at the time, I probably would have initially pegged him for a thinking type (since my knowledge was very limited at the time). I think I even recall writing something like that in my journal -- that I felt we were very similar but that he was more intellectual and I was more sensitive lol. I was younger then so my Ti was less developed at that time too. Maybe that was part of it.


I loved that he challenged me to grow. That was so exciting to me even if it was also intense. It's still like that too but I wouldn't trade it for anything even if it causes struggles here and there. It is short-lived. The conversation was also such a sharp contrast from the others since he loves talking about philosophy and abstract things and I could just talk about that crap all day long too. I remember feeling pulled in by it and marveling at it and I still do. We still have conversation that I find not only mentally stimulating but emotionally stimulating. I didn't know how much I desired that until I felt fulfilled by it. I really can't imagine going without it now because my thoughts and ideas or such an integral part of who I am + my desire to share that all with someone. Of course I do not think that is unusual for an INFJ to feel.

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On INFJ's and compatibility....
 

I think it depends on the INFJ. What is the individual INFJ looking for? For me, I love to think a lot! So it was important for me to have a partner to bounce ideas off of and be inspired by! I also really love the clarity he offers me when I feel really cloudy and discouraged. He knows the right things to say or just tells me to look at it differently and it's really encouraging to me. I think I personally had the potential to end up in an abusive or one-sided relationship due to my childhood and personality so I'm really glad I hit the jackpot and wound up with my husband.


Some people think that if you're the same type then it will be boring but I don't get that. I do not believe that opposites truly attract anyway. I think like attracts like. First of all, we're the same types but there's so much room for variation even within the same type that it's impossible to be exactly alike. Really we just supplement one another. We're still individuals, just compatible ones. We values the same things. That is important for both of us otherwise we'd be going in different directions and it wouldn't make much sense to team up in that case. I think we would have a hard time being together if we weren't on the same wavelength. I hate the whole "Lets just agree to disagree" saying. It always feels like giving up to me. But I love being in unity and I know he feels the same.


All that to say, we've still faced challenges within our marriage (going on 11 years, I think) but we've been through an awful lot together and I feel we've come out stronger because of those things, not weaker.


Rambling aside, I think it's important not to settle....maybe it's especially true if you're an NF (I don't know) but see, you could also say the opposite and say we have unrealistic expectations or too high standards or something. I don't think standards are bad though. I regret wasting my time in those other relationships though I still count them as good learning experiences. I regret using them just so I didn't feel alone. I regret forcing myself to fit with people who did not truly fit with me. Trying so hard to make it work when there were all these red flags that kept popping up and blah blah blah. In the end, it was not worth it to me. My resources would have been better invested else where.


Also, sorry if this came out written like garbage. I need to sleep lol.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Ah @Snowflake Minuet, you're too young! At 19 I wouldn't have had anything to talk about either, except a few hilariously bad dates and a fake 2- week "relationship"...

I try to be honest with myself and accept that I have a very different relationship with other Ns (which is generally more fulfilling and positive) than with S types in the long-term. I just can't see myself being with an S in a romantic relationship. As a friend, fine, but not in a dating-type scenario.
That's exactly what I thought. And actually in my case, I wouldn't be too interested in being friends with Sensors, but in a romantic relationship, something happens where you move past the "what shall we talk about?" and it ironically mattered less that we didn't have much in common conversation-wise. Well, i guess we had something in common (i.e. romantic compatibility/ sexual chemistry? idk) but it wasn't something I could have predicted nor did I really understand (I think we're both Sexual-firsts Enneagram wise..). Probably wouldn't have worked out for the super long term, of course...

I don't think my rather limited romantic experience is type-related, and I believe this is because I haven't connected with myself. I'm always holding back too much to really feel. Doesn't mean it hasn't been good, but... It is ultimately impossible to have true relationships if you​ are not there. It is also a terrible thing to do to another human being - to pretend you're there when you're not.

True, but super intimate relationships have a way of bringing out who you really are, no matter what you intend. Even though it feels like "you're not there", you are there... you can't really control it. In a deep relationship, you can't help but be who you are. Who are you is not actually something you create or control, it just exists. You may be able to withhold/ reach out somewhat at times, but I think in extreme circumstances, who you are will always be apparent.


My husband as I mentioned above, is an ISTJ, he is my best friend, my soulmate.
What are your similarities and differences? How do you reconcile differences?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Rambling aside, I think it's important not to settle....maybe it's especially true if you're an NF (I don't know) but see, you could also say the opposite and say we have unrealistic expectations or too high standards or something. I don't think standards are bad though. I regret wasting my time in those other relationships though I still count them as good learning experiences. I regret using them just so I didn't feel alone. I regret forcing myself to fit with people who did not truly fit with me. Trying so hard to make it work when there were all these red flags that kept popping up and blah blah blah. In the end, it was not worth it to me. My resources would have been better invested else where.
Yeah I guess that's true too. It seems like even though I've met N-types in real life as friends, I've hardly ever met an N-type in real life that was a romantic prospect (as opposed to meeting them online). Obviously its hard to meet N-types in general because they're rare, but I'm not sure why the discrepancy between meeting N-friends and N- potential romantic partners. Anyway, Sensors are just a lot more likely to meet in real life, and I'm really resistant to do online dating. It's just so depressing. Maybe that's a needless block I should get over, I dunno.

But it's just so hard to know if you're actually settling or not. What if I go my whole life just waiting for the perfect person and never entertain anything less than perfect, and then end up alone, missing out on plenty of opportunities that would have been great? Even I think back on my ISFP, I don't think "I was wasting my time, I shouldn't have settled for him", I think "I'm so glad that happened to me even though I knew it wouldn't last."


Another point that's not really related but should be mentioned-- I have two other ISFPs in my life (my sister and a friend who thinks he's INTP) who are actually super good at having intellectual idea-based, intuitive conversations. :) And one ISTP (my uncle) who is really fun to talk to as well.
 
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True, but super intimate relationships have a way of bringing out who you really are, no matter what you intend. Even though it feels like "you're not there", you are there... you can't really control it. In a deep relationship, you can't help but be who you are. Who are you is not actually something you create or control, it just exists. You may be able to withhold/ reach out somewhat at times, but I think in extreme circumstances, who you are will always be apparent.
Perhaps the truth, going by that definition, is that I am currently not capable of super intimate relationships.

It isn't a matter of controlling who I am, and I now realise that perceptive others can see big chunks of myself that remain invisible to me. It is a matter of not being aware of my emotions to such a degree that, subjectively, they do not exist. They are safely locked away in a corner of my subconsciousness, somewhere I do not have conscious access to. It is possible that I have been very infatuated with someone, but any strong emotions of that kind would be automatically confined to my subconsciousness, and the conscious me would not be aware.

It may be the SP instinct in me - the more I am pressed for emotional response, the less I am capable of feeling it. Instead, I feel a pressing need to be alone. There's possibly also an unhealthy helping of avoidant/dismissive attachment style in there somewhere.
 

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Ah @Snowflake Minuet, you're too young! At 19 I wouldn't have had anything to talk about either, except a few hilariously bad dates and a fake 2- week "relationship"...



That's exactly what I thought. And actually in my case, I wouldn't be too interested in being friends with Sensors, but in a romantic relationship, something happens where you move past the "what shall we talk about?" and it ironically mattered less that we didn't have much in common conversation-wise. Well, i guess we had something in common (i.e. romantic compatibility/ sexual chemistry? idk) but it wasn't something I could have predicted nor did I really understand (I think we're both Sexual-firsts Enneagram wise..). Probably wouldn't have worked out for the super long term, of course...




True, but super intimate relationships have a way of bringing out who you really are, no matter what you intend. Even though it feels like "you're not there", you are there... you can't really control it. In a deep relationship, you can't help but be who you are. Who are you is not actually something you create or control, it just exists. You may be able to withhold/ reach out somewhat at times, but I think in extreme circumstances, who you are will always be apparent.




What are your similarities and differences? How do you reconcile differences?
I find I have to consciously think of what we're going to talk about, only with Sensors. Even with intuitives I don't love nor care for, the conversations just flow smoothly. I would end up being miserable if I had to marry a Sensor, that's just the way it is. But some are more easy to envisage than others.

I like ISFJs for example :) But never ever could I be with an ISTP - I'm sorry to say they make me miserable. I wouldn't write off all Sensors for a long lasting friendship but in general, my no-gos for a long-term romance would be ISTP, ESTJs and ESFJs - whereas all the N types are something I could at least consider.

I've been so unlucky, I barely met any Ns until I was already around 16 *cry*
 

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Hello wonderful INFJs!

We had some threads recently about falling in love and it got me thinking. What has been your experience with romantic relationships in terms of type? This has probably been discussed before but maybe not specifically in the INFJ forum.

Personally, all my best friends have always been N-types, so I always assumed my romantic partners would be N types as well. I thought this even before I knew anything about MBTI... I thought "whoever I end up with has to be a nerdy kind of person, the kind of person you can talk about anything with for hours." aka... N-types.. :)

However, real life has proven me wrong. This is long, so I'll break it up to make it easy on the eyes :)

Story about my first relationship with an ISFP:

 

My first relationship of any importance (ended up being 4 years) was with an ISFP. It started in the beginning of our senior year of college. When I first met him (a couple years before we started dating), I thought he was cute, and I had a low-key crush on him. I hung out with him a few times, but conversation was not scintillating. I sensed we didn't have much in common... well, we had some things in common, but I didn't really feel we had enough common to be in a relationship. However, we just happened to start hanging out a lot.... and before we knew it, we were dating. It was a rocky start. I felt really ambiguous about it. Right at the beginning of the relationship, he came to visit me at college for a weekend. We hadn't really fully broken the ice... we had kissed, but hadn't really made out or anything more. I remember the weekend just being... ug. It was boring. I felt like I was stuck with him the whole weekend, since he was visiting me, and we just didn't have that much to talk about. I felt tense and awkward the whole time and I was so glad when he left. I thought to myself, this relationship can't possibly have any future. I need someone I can talk to. He's just not that kind of person. (It turned out he saw it all differently--he had really enjoyed the weekend, and the lack of conversation didn't bother him). I actually broke up with him, after only a few weeks. He was really upset. Then maybe a week or two later, he convinced me that we should get back together. Thank goodness he did... We just started hanging out more and more, and things changed. We broke the ice, got comfortable with each other in the bedroom, etc etc. We got to that point in relationships where you don't feel awkward with the other person if you're not talking. Our conversations were still not very enjoyable to me. A lot of times I would feel bored with him, wishing he was more intuitive, more into discussing ideas. But most of the time, it didn't matter. We reached a level of intimacy I'd never had with another person before. We told each other "I love you" after 4 months. After maybe 6 months he told he was "in love with me", which apparently was different from just saying "I love you" (I guess it's an Fi thing?). I have to admit, I never was in love with him. But I did love him a great deal, and still do, even though we've been broken up almost 2 years. Eventually, our differences caught up to us. I was bored around him because he didn't like discussing ideas, and he was bored with me because I wasn't exciting enough for his Extraverted Sensing mind. Our Fi and Fe clashed horribly at times (ug, still makes me shudder).
So, bottom line: it wasn't meant to last, but I'm beyond thankful that it happened. If I had followed my gut instinct -- and not wanted to get together with an ISFP -- I would have missed out on the most amazing relationship of my life.


Story about attempting to date N types:

 

So, after we broke up, I tried to date again. I went on dating websites, and specifically looked for NTs or NFs.
(Not such a hard thing, actually). I went on four or five first dates with NTs or NFs, and got rejected each time. What was their complaint? "I felt like we didn't have much to talk about." The same thing that almost ended the relationship with my ISFP, on my end. Given that I knew all these types were Ns, I began to suspect that they were all looking for the ideal partner. I felt like I was disappointing them all-- they judged me really quickly, and found me wanting. One time, I went on two dates with an INTJ guy (it said he was INTJ on his profile and it seemed to match). On each date, we sat and talked for about 2 hours straight... about books, ideas, movies, anything... the conversation just flowed. Later, after he rejected me, he said "I felt like we were just scrambling to find something to talk about." I found myself sighing and I thought back to the beginning of my relationship with my ISFP... when we spent a whole weekend not really having much conversation at all, but he didn't really care at all, because he could sense the growing intimacy between us. What is it with Ns and this pedestal we put ~conversation~ on? Why does good conversation seem like the be-all, end-all of relationships?
I thought back to how many dates I had personally rejected through out high school and college because of lack of good conversation... how easily I almost rejected my ISFP... Any of those dates I rejected could have been a good relationship, maybe.


Story about a second ISFP I sort of dated:

 

So anyway, dating wasn't going well. Meanwhile, I met another ISFP at work. He wanted me to be his girlfriend... we went on dates... things got intimate really fast. He was the best kisser I'd ever been with. He was absolutely terrible at making conversation. I felt so bored, awkward, and tense whenever I was around him. I sensed that we didn't match. But then we had fun together. We played pool at a bar. We watched horror movies and made out afterwards. It was actually okay. I didn't feel judged or idealized him, not one bit... his point of view seemed to be "you're cool. You're single. I'm single. Let's be together." Just like my first ISFP had been. Well, eventually I just let things drop between us. He had some sexual things that made me uncomfortable and like I said, I really just didn't enjoy being together except during certain times.


Story about an ISFJ I may be dating currently:

 

So, since him, I've tried to date a few more NFs... no luck. Nothing. When I met an ISFJ at work who I was kind of attracted to and I knew to be single, I thought, hmmm... So I got to know him. This was maybe four months ago. We've been going on dates since then. We've kissed a few times, but overall the relationship is moving extremely slowly. He seems to have a lot of anxiety regarding physical contact, but we're getting through that, bit by bit. It's okay. He's super sweet. We don't have a lot in common, but we do have some things in common. Our conversation isn't fantastic, but overall I enjoy being with him. We have Fe-style conversation that I was missing with my ISFPs. He has the same attitude about me... "You're cool. We're both single. Let's be together. Why not?" He doesn't judge me. Sometimes he aggravates me by how planned everything has to be... his interests are not inspiring... but. I'll just see where it goes. He's the kind of person I wouldn't have given the time of day in high school. If I had gone on a few dates with him for some reason, I likely would have INFJ-door-slammed him when I realized we weren't soulmates who would be laughing hysterically and/or having fascinating conversation every second we were together...
But I've learned a lot since then. I'm not going to do that.
I predict I'll get along better with him than I did with the ISFPs, because we both use Fe, not Fi. Maybe it's okay if we don't have ~amazing conversation~. Clearly, looking for amazing conversation has not worked out for me.


So, just something to think about. Thoughts? What are your experiences? :) What types have you dated/ married and what's your opinion overall on type compatibility with INFJs?
Currently having my first relationship with my ISFP :)
Things are great, but ofcourse it's the start - things are supposed to be great. We were pretty much best friends for a year while she wasn't available, she eventually became available and now we are in a relationship so the chemistry is really good. The Fi vs Fe clash is quite clearly there but we seem to be able to work through it well because we understand each other. E.G Whenever there is an issue that comes from her, I understand she naturally doesn't want to talk about it so ill just gently encourage her to talk it out - give her space - encourage her again - give her space and that method seems to work wonders, as soon as she opens her mouth we solve the problem. I'm thinking that this approach won't always work as the complexity of the problems increase...which I predict will happen over time, but I'm really really happy with where we are now. When there is an issue that comes from me, that's a whole different story lol I try to ignore the issue because I don't want it to weigh down on our interaction (Fe) until it's too big of a problem, and when it's upsetting too much I just try think through the issue myself which has it's own problems. We really enjoy spending time together, but I noticed while I'll always have other agenda's I need to attend to, her main agendas pretty much just includes spending time with me lol - so I feel like there's a difference in desire for space there, but I DO really enjoy spending time with her anyways so it's not like an issue. If I need the space to do important things she accepts it well (with a abit of a sulk :) but it's kind of endearing). I'm sure new challenges and new joys await us in the future so I'm quite excited and cautious in anticipation.
 
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I love to think a lot! So it was important for me to have a partner to bounce ideas off of and be inspired by!
Me in a nutshell. I was actually thinking today about relationships based on my experiences and how I would eventually get bored with people who weren't engaging in the way I would like and appreciate. I've thought about it before too but now it's come to a finality where I sense only another INFJ would work well.

I don't enjoy that thought process though cause it feels like I am severely limiting myself.

I'm curious if you don't mind me asking, in moments where the two of you are gripped by your respective Jungian shadows at the same moment how does the situation resolve?

My biggest fear in thinking about an INFJ-INFJ relationship is this, for by my personal experience the INFJ shadow is incredibly intense and crushing.
 
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Yeah I guess that's true too. It seems like even though I've met N-types in real life as friends, I've hardly ever met an N-type in real life that was a romantic prospect (as opposed to meeting them online). Obviously its hard to meet N-types in general because they're rare, but I'm not sure why the discrepancy between meeting N-friends and N- potential romantic partners. Anyway, Sensors are just a lot more likely to meet in real life, and I'm really resistant to do online dating. It's just so depressing. Maybe that's a needless block I should get over, I dunno.
Why do you find online dating depressing? Did you find it depressing before you tried it or do you think you just feel that way now based on your past experiences that were unsuccessful? This may be obvious, but not every N type individual you meet is going to be a compatible match or your soulmate or whatever you want to call it. It only takes one. Perhaps they were more dismissive but in a way, I think they did you a favor if the feeling was not mutual. There are so many people in the world, I have a hard time believing you won't eventually encounter someone where you both naturally enjoy the conversation and it's not one-sided.


Yeah, online the pool of people is bigger so it makes it more likely to run into an intuitive type and/or your compatible match because there are simply more people to choose from. So I say don't limit yourself there. I probably would have gone that route myself (deliberate online dating sites etc.) if I had not met my husband. When I did it, meeting people online was not as socially acceptable as it is now so I'm glad that is no longer the case. We had to jump over hurdles with people's reactions to it. But I'm different in that the online world suits me well since I'm shy and i express myself well through text (but of course there's Skype now too!) so I see it as a great tool though I'm also aware it can become a crutch in some sense too. I actually still use it to meet compatible friends and have had much success that way.


But it's just so hard to know if you're actually settling or not. What if I go my whole life just waiting for the perfect person and never entertain anything less than perfect, and then end up alone, missing out on plenty of opportunities that would have been great? Even I think back on my ISFP, I don't think "I was wasting my time, I shouldn't have settled for him", I think "I'm so glad that happened to me even though I knew it wouldn't last."
Well there's "perfect" or unrealistic expectations and then there's being more selective based on compatibility based on reasonble/attainable criteria such as deal breakers and core things that are important to you. It sounds like common interests and invigorating/flowing conversation are at least two things that are pretty important to you. Perhaps you've grown a bit discouraged based on past experiences and have a hard time believing you'll meet someone who is THAT compatible with you but like I said, it really only takes one.


Settling just means you become overly accomodating and make exceptions for people when it comes to your core criteria because you think that's as good as it gets. It may sound like a cold decision making process but it sounds like it was one that you originally had and then there was a shift after your other experiences. I am not sure if what you experienced with your ISFP and the way things went with the NT's and NF's you met online made you feel a bit guilty for how your original decision making process was. I don't think there's anything wrong with following your intuition and feelings on things especially if it normally leads you in a wise direction. After all, you weren't wrong about your ISFP because it did not turn into a lasting relationship. Which is not to say it didn't prove to be a valuable learning experience for you and a solid friendship (or however you want to label it now). But any experience has the potential to be a learning exprience so I guess my logic is, why not do it with a more compatible match?


I look at relationships a bit like a business in the sense that we should both be looking for how this relationship benefits both of us and it shouldn't be lop-sided. That is meant as a kindness because it protects all parties involved. If you start investing in someone who isn't all that compatible, it becomes harder to move on after awhile, because you've invested so much, most people would rather stay than take a loss (I'm not saying that applies to you, just talking). Now, if your goal is to collect as much relationship experience as possible rather than finding someone compatible, then ignore everything I've said. It really depends what your goal is. However, if it's to find someone compatible, then it helps to get in tune with the core things you really want and core things that would be a deal breaker. Now, obviously there's some things you may not know you want or don't want based on a lack of more experience, but just based on what you've experienced already, there are some things that seem to be pretty clear and there's probably even more things if you gave it more thought (perhaps you already have). I'm not trying to minimize your experience with the ISFP, by the way or say it was a waste of time in your case. Perhaps that was cold of me to say about my own experience but that's honestly how I felt for various reasons. I don't believe it's wise to create baggage in myself and others until I landed on the right person. Some people don't have the same philosphy as I do and see it differently so that's just the way I see things.


You may feel that your ISFP was the most amazing relationship you have had so far or that nothing can currently top it (or you're romanticizing it a bit) but when you meet a more compatible match, I am sure you will feel differently and I think that is how it should be because obviously you wound't want to constantly be comparing (in a negative way) the person you ended up with to a past love. Time spent with the wrong person is time you could have spent with the right person but it's also true on their side as well even if they currently just have a more laid back attitude towards relationships. They probably will not always feel that way. Or maybe they will but you know, I'm just rambling at this point lol.


Another point that's not really related but should be mentioned-- I have two other ISFPs in my life (my sister and a friend who thinks he's INTP) who are actually super good at having intellectual idea-based, intuitive conversations. :) And one ISTP (my uncle) who is really fun to talk to as well.
That's great :) Maybe they've got well developed Ni? Makes me wonder what their enneatypes are too since that's often an influence. I know of an INFJ on here (no longer active) who is happily married to an ISFP and another who seems to be naturally attracted to SP types. So like I said, it really depends what the INFJ is looking for in someone because we're not all looking for the same things.


Some INFJ's prefer to have someone who can get them out of their head and be more active (like an SP could provide) or maybe someone who could ground them more. So yeah, to each their own :) I haven't really met that many ISFP's. Only one online and she was a total sweetheart. I enjoyed our conversation, we just didn't become lasting friends is all because it naturally died out. We also have an ISTP friend who is awesome but I don't feel that way about all ISTP's...so a lot of it is individual quirks too :) Like I said, I think it's better to see who you're naturally attracted to (though yeah, sometimes we're attracted to people for unhealthy reasons...I mean outside of that, for healthy reasons). I notice a trend in myself to get in friendships with mainly INxx types. That's probably because I like analyzing and thinking about things to death lol.
 

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Me in a nutshell. I was actually thinking today about relationships based on my experiences and how I would eventually get bored with people who weren't engaging in the way I would like and appreciate. I've thought about it before too but now it's come to a finality where I sense only another INFJ would work well.

I don't enjoy that thought process though cause it feels like I am severely limiting myself.
I take it you've been with another INFJ before and it was fulfilling? If the only experience you had where it was engaging enough was with a fellow INFJ, that doesn't necessarily mean that you wouldn't experience that with any other type. Besides, you're just speculating unless you act on it I suppose. Maybe INFJ seems like the most likely type of person at this point but I would just see who you're naturally drawn to and who you have engaging conversations with rather than specifically looking for an INFJ unless you feel like that process is more efficient rather than ...limiting? I'm not sure if that makes sense lol so take it for what it is (just me rambling).

I'm curious if you don't mind me asking, in moments where the two of you are gripped by your respective Jungian shadows at the same moment how does the situation resolve?

My biggest fear in thinking about an INFJ-INFJ relationship is this, for by my personal experience the INFJ shadow is incredibly intense and crushing.
Once again, it sounds like you've been with another INFJ in the past? So I'm wondering if there were some specific examples or situations you had in mind that you were curious about. I don't mind you asking at all.


I'm not terribly well studied on the Jungian shadows so I'd have to read more about it to understand what you mean.

But outside of typology, I think our "dark side" or egos are probably the biggest things that cause struggles in a relationship for people - regardless of type. That manifests in different ways obviously - depending on enneagram and experiences too. I wish I could address more of what you mean by the Jungian shadow! But I'll do my best to just respond to normal ego stuff.


For us, if we're both super stressed, reactive, defensive, offended and at each others' throats, what it takes to get back to a place of equilibrium is sometimes just space to reflect. Usually when I can reflect on the situation, I see it clearly and he's cooled down enough to take another stab at it. It is odd to me how I can feel so intense in a moment sometimes and then when just a bit of time has passed, I almost just....don't feel all that stuff any more? It's like it all clears away. I have to get passed myself too in order to empathize and see his own perspective (this usually calms me down because I stop taking things so damn personally which then causes me to be more relaxed).


Usually when we get angry about things, it's not about whatever we appear to be angry or stressed about. There's so many factors involved. We're both introspective people who are interested in fully understanding and supporting one another at the end of the day (even if we get cranky in the moment lol) so that lends itself to resolution because there is a strong desire for it on both sides.


We're both really gung-ho when it comes to problem solving and finding resolutions. If I can get in tune with the real reason he is upset about something and also express the REAL reason I am upset (which is often a child-like reason like "I want you to like me" or "I feel like you don't care because A, B or C action" --- which generally isn't true, just more communication, words of affirmation or quality time was needed to keep us on the same page.


We always wind up seeing each other's perspective in the end to the point where sometimes we argue about who was more wrong or I'll explain how he felt so he knows that I understand and empathize and vise versa. So I'd say it really just takes empathy. One of us has to be the bigger person and address the other person's "stuff" first. Sometimes that is me, other times it is him and sometimes it is mutual. When we both feel like our inner child has been heard and soothed is when things are fine again.

Also external stressors can sometimes play a role here too so those are important to address because stress can create a lack of harmony in a relationship where you might originally not have any problems absent of that stress.


I also think that NF's have the ability to really kick each other where it hurts if given the opportunity. When things get ugly, I just try to remember we're not acting like ourselves, we're reacting to some pain that has gone unaddressed so there's no real need to get truly offended or hold a grudge over it, if that makes sense. It just takes more awareness.
 

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My current boyfriend is an ENFP. I didn't know his type when we first started dating, but after I found out and researches his type, our great connection made sense to me. I've seen INFJs on other personality forums and Facebook groups raving about ENFPs and searching for one, so I guess I just got lucky.

We're great together because his extroversion compliments my introversion and we're both feelers. I don't think I could ever date someone who isn't sensitive, to be honest. I love his outgoing personality and charm, and he loves how I'm caring, a good listener, and am fine with silence. We fit together so well.
 

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ESTP:
 

I believe the relationship ran about a year, all told. It was a very straightforward kind of relationship: plenty of fun and adventure, good chemistry. The ESTP loved working on cars and was a racer, so there was a big adrenaline aspect to it. He also was fun, flirty, and great with people, so lots of arranging big nights out with groups of people.

Ultimately, the give-and-take wasn't equal. He didn't like staying in, while going out that frequently was exhausting for me. Conversations worked sometimes (I was quick to pick up the theory of how the systems in cars worked, even if the hands on aspect wasn't there). But I had a hard time getting him to participate in conversations about the things I was interested in. We were in very different places when it came to interactions with others: I wanted him to contain his flirting to me, while he wanted to be able to flirt with anyone.

Our split was incredibly amicable (we're still friends today, over a decade later). We both realized the relationship had run its course and we wanted things the other person wasn't providing. It was a positive learning experience for me in terms of realizing what I wanted:
  • Fun/Adventure, but in discrete doses.
  • Socializing with friends, but again in discrete doses.
  • (HUGE) Meaningful conversation.
  • (HUGE) A student, not in an institutionalized way, but in an autodidactic way. Goes hand-in-hand with the meaningful conversation.

ENFP:
 

Definitely the messiest relationship for me. He was charming, ephemeral, quirky, educated, and earnest. He also was incredibly flighty and changeable. He worked in an in-demand position in the medical field, so moving from job to job every few months didn't impact his employability at all. But it made for a chaotic life. It seemed like he was always living out of boxes, sort of permanently half-packed, unwilling to put down any roots. He spoke to the idea of committing to things like a permanent job, buying a house, having kids, etc. but his actions ran completely counter to that. He said he felt like he was constantly searching for something and I could be that thing.

I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have. I saw a lot of potential in him, and instead of realistically evaluating the relationship based on who he was, I kept holding out hope that he'd become someone else.

I still know him (not good friends, but acquaintances), and I'm soooooo glad I got out when I did. He's married with kids, and they've moved at least twice a year the entire time they've been together. Last I heard, they were separated for the umpteenth time. I can only imagine the strain that sort of lifestyle would put on a relationship, especially with kids.

Learning experiences from that one:
  • Healthy ENFPs are amazing. Unhealthy ones, not so much.
  • Gauge relationships based on their reality, not their potential.
  • Instability is a deal breaker for me.
  • I wanted to know I was loved for myself and not the idea of me.
  • I really wanted someone that had a sense of play and an inner 5-year-old.

ENTJ:
 

Younger brother of a friend of mine, and someone I only knew in passing. I knew my friend had a lot of respect for him (he'd come over to play handyman when anything in her apartment broke, work on her car, etc). From what I knew, he was a generous and accomplished person.

We ended up going on a road trip together (his sister invited a whole group of us) and finally got a chance to have an actual conversation. The conversation was electric. We had such a similar view of the world, a voracious appetite for knowledge, a lot of shared values and goals, and loved to laugh together. It was obvious by the end of the trip that sparks were flying, and being the ENTJ he is, he pursued me in a very serious and straightforward manner.

We've been married for nine years now. I do think our experience with the NFJ/NTJ dynamic benefited us (His dad and eldest sister are ENFJs, my dad is in INTJ). Learning the ins and outs of one another has been really fun and rewarding. We still love spending time together working on projects, learning, and of course we've got a soft spot for road trips. I think we're a lot alike in that we've got a lot of responsibility at work and appear very serious in that setting. But once we're together, we're a couple of goofballs. It's nice having someone that respects my autonomy but also wants to spend as much time as possible with me. Or forcing ourselves to stop talking and go to sleep because we can't get enough of one another. He's my best friend and partner-in-crime.
 

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Ah @Snowflake Minuet, you're too young! At 19 I wouldn't have had anything to talk about either, except a few hilariously bad dates and a fake 2- week "relationship"...



That's exactly what I thought. And actually in my case, I wouldn't be too interested in being friends with Sensors, but in a romantic relationship, something happens where you move past the "what shall we talk about?" and it ironically mattered less that we didn't have much in common conversation-wise. Well, i guess we had something in common (i.e. romantic compatibility/ sexual chemistry? idk) but it wasn't something I could have predicted nor did I really understand (I think we're both Sexual-firsts Enneagram wise..). Probably wouldn't have worked out for the super long term, of course...




True, but super intimate relationships have a way of bringing out who you really are, no matter what you intend. Even though it feels like "you're not there", you are there... you can't really control it. In a deep relationship, you can't help but be who you are. Who are you is not actually something you create or control, it just exists. You may be able to withhold/ reach out somewhat at times, but I think in extreme circumstances, who you are will always be apparent.




What are your similarities and differences? How do you reconcile differences?
We have many similarities, probably way too many to mention but sense of humour (though his is much darker than mine), quirks and interests are just a few of them off of the top of my head. We have always been people that are very similar and very individual at the same time. We're also both very responsible, rational and practical people so problem solving is easy between us.

Our differences tend to be growing smaller as our relationship moves through the years as one or two traits have kind mixed and transferred onto each of us. I use a lot more of the logical side of my mind than I used to and my husband has become more understanding and slightly more empathetic (though his empathy is still very low, which is quite a big difference)

We often have very different opinions and could probably spend hours debating ~ but we always try to in a healthy way and as we have grown together we have become very good at communicating. We're very good at recognising that we are very similar but each of us sees the world in a very different way.

The largest difference to this relates to a similarity we share, an unstable childhood. As a result we each have our own demons (much like any other person) - my husband can suffer with anger problems, and as an empath I find this challenging and stressful at times as I 'catch' feelings quite easily. We work through it together, though.
 

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@Vivid Melody Thank you for taking the time to write all of that :) I really appreciate all your thoughts on the subject...

Why do you find online dating depressing? Did you find it depressing before you tried it or do you think you just feel that way now based on your past experiences that were unsuccessful? This may be obvious, but not every N type individual you meet is going to be a compatible match or your soulmate or whatever you want to call it. It only takes one. Perhaps they were more dismissive but in a way, I think they did you a favor if the feeling was not mutual. There are so many people in the world, I have a hard time believing you won't eventually encounter someone where you both naturally enjoy the conversation and it's not one-sided.
Yeah, you're probably right. For me there's always been something weird about online dating-- I don't know why, but I vastly prefer meeting someone through some kind of institution like the school that I work at or the college that I go to... I guess it's like, I already know we have something huge in common, we've somehow come to the same place in life and that means something to me. Online dating is just... I don't know. I guess if the person was right for me, it wouldn't matter. I guess it's really just a prejudice of mine. When I write out the actual reasons, it doesn't make much sense lol. I do have friends who met people online and it worked out just fine.



Well there's "perfect" or unrealistic expectations and then there's being more selective based on compatibility based on reasonble/attainable criteria such as deal breakers and core things that are important to you. It sounds like common interests and invigorating/flowing conversation are at least two things that are pretty important to you. Perhaps you've grown a bit discouraged based on past experiences and have a hard time believing you'll meet someone who is THAT compatible with you but like I said, it really only takes one.
Yeah, again, you're probably right. I guess I don't have to find someone as quickly as I think I do. I actually just back from hanging out with the ISFJ I was talking about and I don't think I want to see him again. I had a pretty good time with him, but we were talking about hanging out next saturday for fourth of july and I realized all the sudden that the idea of that didn't make me feel glad. So that's definitely a red flag. I'll sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow....

Settling just means you become overly accomodating and make exceptions for people when it comes to your core criteria because you think that's as good as it gets. It may sound like a cold decision making process but it sounds like it was one that you originally had and then there was a shift after your other experiences. I am not sure if what you experienced with your ISFP and the way things went with the NT's and NF's you met online made you feel a bit guilty for how your original decision making process was. I don't think there's anything wrong with following your intuition and feelings on things especially if it normally leads you in a wise direction.
I'm not sure it does though. I come from a place of really overly-romanticizing everything and not having an open mind to any kind of experience that didn't match my perfect ideal. So that's why I don't trust my instincts...

After all, you weren't wrong about your ISFP because it did not turn into a lasting relationship. Which is not to say it didn't prove to be a valuable learning experience for you and a solid friendship (or however you want to label it now). But any experience has the potential to be a learning exprience so I guess my logic is, why not do it with a more compatible match?
Yeah, I guess. I guess I really still love him or something because I can't find it in me to regret anything about the relationship, despite the fact that I knew the whole time that it wasn't going to last. But I guess he was a crucial part of my development a person, so it's impossible to regret it happening. But I totally see what you're saying and I agree with your logic.

I look at relationships a bit like a business in the sense that we should both be looking for how this relationship benefits both of us and it shouldn't be lop-sided. That is meant as a kindness because it protects all parties involved. If you start investing in someone who isn't all that compatible, it becomes harder to move on after awhile, because you've invested so much, most people would rather stay than take a loss (I'm not saying that applies to you, just talking).
Yeah, definitely agree with that.

I notice a trend in myself to get in friendships with mainly INxx types. That's probably because I like analyzing and thinking about things to death lol.
Yeah me too, definitely. Literally all of my closest friends are INxx. Wait, let me think about a bit... yep. All of them. I have a few ENFx friends who are fairly close, but even them, I don't get along with as well as the INFx ones. So I guess maybe if all of my friends are a certain type that should probably mean that my significant other should be that type as well...
 

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@charlie.elliot

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that :) I really appreciate all your thoughts on the subject...
You're very welcome :) My power actually went out while I was writing it and I didn't have it saved so I lost everything and had to write it all over again too lol. But it's okay because I enjoyed writing a response :)

Yeah, you're probably right. For me there's always been something weird about online dating-- I don't know why, but I vastly prefer meeting someone through some kind of institution like the school that I work at or the college that I go to... I guess it's like, I already know we have something huge in common, we've somehow come to the same place in life and that means something to me. Online dating is just... I don't know. I guess if the person was right for me, it wouldn't matter. I guess it's really just a prejudice of mine. When I write out the actual reasons, it doesn't make much sense lol. I do have friends who met people online and it worked out just fine.
I think that makes sense. Maybe if you met someone online while gaming (if you were into video games, for instance) it would be different because it's obvious that you have a shared interest in that scenario. I know common interests are important to you too so like I said, I think that makes sense and I think that's usually the way people bond or how people meet each other (commonalities). But I also think so long as you're in the same age group, you should be fine because you're at similar stages in life and that also seems important to you. So that would mean you're probably looking for someone close in age as yourself.



Yeah, again, you're probably right. I guess I don't have to find someone as quickly as I think I do. I actually just back from hanging out with the ISFJ I was talking about and I don't think I want to see him again. I had a pretty good time with him, but we were talking about hanging out next saturday for fourth of july and I realized all the sudden that the idea of that didn't make me feel glad. So that's definitely a red flag. I'll sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow....
Well you never know how quickly these things will happen. You may meet the right person tomorrow or it might take a while. We will see. But I think so long as you're putting yourself out there and looking for opportunities, you're on the right track and it won't be too terribly slow.


I'm glad to hear you're getting in tune with how you feel and listening to that because that's important. It's always better to do that rather than to tell yourself you are enjoying the time spent with them (when you're really not that much) or trying too hard to enjoy it. It should just happen naturally.

I'm not sure it does though. I come from a place of really overly-romanticizing everything and not having an open mind to any kind of experience that didn't match my perfect ideal. So that's why I don't trust my instincts...
Well I still don't think your ideals are unreasonable or unattainable but you know yourself better than I. I think you did have an open mind otherwise you wouldn't have stayed with your ISFP for as long as you did but I guess you just meant when it came to your deciding process before him.



It kind of reminded me of my INFP brother's first relationship only his ISTP girlfriend was the one who felt something was missing early on and that it was not the type of relationship she was looking for. My brother admitted later that he convinced her to stick it out. So it went on for a total of three years with almost break ups happening in between. In the end, she was the one who was not happy. So I think it's important to listen to your heart. He said he used to believe that if you just love a person enough, that could save everything in a relationship --- no matter what the problem was. But through that experience, he learned that love isn't always enough. Sometimes you're simply just...not right for each other. And in hindsight, there were things (red flags) in her that I believe he overlooked in favor of her potential as well. So that's another way romanticizing can take form. So sometimes I think our ideals or standards are actually really solid and protect us. But then, I'm an idealist so, I guess I would say that :p haha

Yeah, I guess. I guess I really still love him or something because I can't find it in me to regret anything about the relationship, despite the fact that I knew the whole time that it wasn't going to last. But I guess he was a crucial part of my development a person, so it's impossible to regret it happening. But I totally see what you're saying and I agree with your logic.
Well he was also your first relationship so I think that makes complete sense. Plus, it's not like it ended on terrible terms or the break up was due to some major fight. Y'all became close so it is understandable that you would feel that way. I don't think there's anything wrong with not regretting it and like you said, he became a crucial part of your growth. I guess that is generally common with your first relationship since we often start out pretty naive.

Yeah me too, definitely. Literally all of my closest friends are INxx. Wait, let me think about a bit... yep. All of them. I have a few ENFx friends who are fairly close, but even them, I don't get along with as well as the INFx ones. So I guess maybe if all of my friends are a certain type that should probably mean that my significant other should be that type as well...
Maybe so. I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up in a romantic relationship with a person of that type anyway. I also think friendship is a great foundation for a romantic relationship.
 

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ISFJ: We connect to each other a lot, especially when it comes to other people. Our Fe matches great and that's a big part of why our relationship works easily.
The Si/Ni difference is interesting. We communicate differently and it's very noticeable. I think a big part of why it works is that she uses her Ne a lot. She likes going into hypotheticals sometimes, just not too often. We also help each other out a lot by looking at each other's problems from a different angle.
Overall, I think this arrangement works great.

I have no idea what type my ex is exactly, as she is (or at least was), kind of emotionally broken. Things broke down for reasons that were not directly type-related.
 
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