Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 40 Posts

·
Lotus Jester
Joined
·
8,877 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
a littlehobbit's perspective

INFJ: Signs That Your Tertiary Function is Developing

Jan 15 · 2015
thesearepeopleyouknow:

  • Instead of feeling the need to comfort and console emotional people, you just wish they’d go away.
  • You are tougher, more independent, and less ‘touchy’ than you used to be.
  • You spend more time focusing on details you used to think were unimportant.
  • Your reasoning becomes based on logic instead of how you feel
  • You feel strongly about equality, objectivity, and fairness and will fight to preserve them.
  • You’re no longer a doormat. You stand up for yourself and others in spite of the conflict it might cause.
  • You’re aware of how you’re perceived by others but you no longer care what they think.
  • You don’t want to be understood, you just want everyone to leave you alone.
  • Idle chit-chat becomes even more intolerable to you.
  • You’re no longer afraid of confrontation. You will always stand up for causes or people you deem worthy.
  • You’re even more analytical.
  • All of the sudden, you’re really good at compartmentalizing. Everything in your life has its place and you rarely deviate from it.
  • 'Tradition' is a dirty word to you. If there's no sensible reason for doing something, you won't.
  • You no longer feel pressure to conform to social norms—especially if they don’t fit into your own value system or standard of behaviour.
I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. Everything on this list is based on my personal experience as an INFJ who is still learning how to navigate life with Introverted Thinking (Ti) after spending years with the emotional Extroverted Feeling (Fe).
I hope this helps someone.
(via infjadvice)


I found this to be really helpful. Thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,052 Posts
it makes us sound kind of tough and mean, I suppose it's just protection. I know I've got zero tolerance these days for family gatherings that I'm not feeling up for, which leaves the jaws of several of my family members who feel bound by 'obligation', on the floor. sure is nice to care less what others think and not be so traumatized by confrontation, as I've been in so many years' past. It's interesting, this post.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
I've always had a more prominent Ti (maybe because I'm a student). It's been developing even more lately, I've been going through a phase of realizing some facts that I have to get over with. Why?
Because I don't want to end up as a psychologically damaged maniac in a few years. I still want to be functional and useful.

You know, that Ti makes your life much more easier. After organizing principles, methods and thoughts with Ti, the way you'd use that Fe and Se would become way more pragmatic than before.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
it makes us sound kind of tough and mean, I suppose it's just protection. I know I've got zero tolerance these days for family gatherings that I'm not feeling up for, which leaves the jaws of several of my family members who feel bound by 'obligation', on the floor. sure is nice to care less what others think and not be so traumatized by confrontation, as I've been in so many years' past. It's interesting, this post.
Your post got me thinking. Why does developing in this way get seen as tough or mean? I am thinking that it is possibly because we stop reacting to other people's projections that they foist onto us. We become better at seeing when someone is projecting onto us vs. relating to us as a person.

In my experience, a dysfunctional family system uses the INFJ family member(s) in a certain way. We are able to give a lot, but then we end up feeling sucked dry instead of connected to them. After a while we get worn out from this and we change / develop.
An INFJ who is giving their time and attention to someone else is going to give empathy. In a family system where empathy is in short supply, where is the mechanism by which the INFJ is protected from being drained? We are the protectors but if no one else takes time to protect us, we end up realizing we have to protect ourselves.

Thoughts from anyone on this? I know I sound really certain with my claims here. I spent years slogging through trying to meet the never ending needs of others only to realize I was stuck reacting to their projections which was the opposite of forming a solid relationship of mutual care and respect with them. If you are an INFJ in a family that did not take advantage of you, this post may not make any sense. But I am interested in how this list posted by the OP relates to family relationships and all I have is my own experience at the end of the day. It certainly is in no way meant to be 'true' capital T for anyone else! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
@hppygrl

I have to agree with you.

I live in a very dysfunctional family, that's been falling apart even more intensely recently.


I've never been empathized by my parents, my love for them has never been reciprocated, plus they've never lived with me, nor wanted that. No matter, how much I loved them, they behaved as if it wasn't something of their concern.
I spent a lot of my time as a child crying and whining about it.

At the same time, I lived with gran who's always been telling me to harden up and deal with it. It seemed a bit mean from her, but once she clarified it to me in a way that a child would understand it, everything became clear to me.
"Not only do I have to stop having any feelings for them because it's right, I have to do it, because of myself."

It was hard for me, but I did it. I've built up my defense mechanism.
From the very beginning I was "trained" to stop feeling for people who didn't feel anything toward me and to go on with what I have.
That was a very hard period of time for me, but that's also made me the way I am now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,155 Posts
That list was a seriously accurate version of the way I am. I only started developing that side of myself since becoming an adult - I spent so much time as a teenager being riddled with the 'feels' that I think I burned myself out :tongue:

I wonder if this is a common transition for an INFJ, is it just a more matured version of INFJ - or do some still lead with feeling I wonder? Very interesting post.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
That list was a seriously accurate version of the way I am. I only started developing that side of myself since becoming an adult - I spent so much time as a teenager being riddled with the 'feels' that I think I burned myself out :tongue:

I wonder if this is a common transition for an INFJ, is it just a more matured version of INFJ - or do some still lead with feeling I wonder? Very interesting post.
Me too! I felt my way through my 20s, pun intended. :) and it was exhausting living without the flashlight from the Ti.

My take on this society, North American culture, is very unhealthy for the adolescent INFJ. I think that a culture that could nurture a teenage INFJ would not look like this. For me, getting older has meant becoming this more mature INFJ for sure. Leading with feeling led me down a path in my 20s that I cannot even describe it was so dark. This is better...becoming stronger Ti while being able to be strong Fe in solitude or with selected loved ones.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,155 Posts
Me too! I felt my way through my 20s, pun intended. :) and it was exhausting living without the flashlight from the Ti.

My take on this society, North American culture, is very unhealthy for the adolescent INFJ. I think that a culture that could nurture a teenage INFJ would not look like this. For me, getting older has meant becoming this more mature INFJ for sure. Leading with feeling led me down a path in my 20s that I cannot even describe it was so dark. This is better...becoming stronger Ti while being able to be strong Fe in solitude or with selected loved ones.
I'm actually in my twenties now - I know the feeling, my experiences were not those I wanted when I was younger. I think the only reason I have strong Ti is because some of my favorite people are Ti users so I took positive influence without realizing it. Feeling sometimes seemed to lead to bad choices - I feel much more aware now. I agree with you, it's nice to be able to turn feeling on and off now without it ruling my life.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2015
Joined
·
10,473 Posts
a littlehobbit's perspective

INFJ: Signs That Your Tertiary Function is Developing

Jan 15 · 2015
thesearepeopleyouknow:

  • Instead of feeling the need to comfort and console emotional people, you just wish they’d go away.
  • You are tougher, more independent, and less ‘touchy’ than you used to be.
  • You spend more time focusing on details you used to think were unimportant.
  • Your reasoning becomes based on logic instead of how you feel
  • You feel strongly about equality, objectivity, and fairness and will fight to preserve them.
  • You’re no longer a doormat. You stand up for yourself and others in spite of the conflict it might cause.
  • You’re aware of how you’re perceived by others but you no longer care what they think.
  • You don’t want to be understood, you just want everyone to leave you alone.
  • Idle chit-chat becomes even more intolerable to you.
  • You’re no longer afraid of confrontation. You will always stand up for causes or people you deem worthy.
  • You’re even more analytical.
  • All of the sudden, you’re really good at compartmentalizing. Everything in your life has its place and you rarely deviate from it.
  • 'Tradition' is a dirty word to you. If there's no sensible reason for doing something, you won't.
  • You no longer feel pressure to conform to social norms—especially if they don’t fit into your own value system or standard of behaviour.
I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. Everything on this list is based on my personal experience as an INFJ who is still learning how to navigate life with Introverted Thinking (Ti) after spending years with the emotional Extroverted Feeling (Fe).
I hope this helps someone.
(via infjadvice)


I found this to be really helpful. Thoughts?
I've been going through this, though I'm coming back from it some I think. It was pretty bad a couple years ago. I really snapped at Christmas time when I just didn't get anyone gifts and left my family to go be by myself when they didn't deserve that and I'd never done anything like that before. (I've always been told my gifts are really thoughtful and I used to help organize gatherings and stuff). I had a "no touching" rule with some feelier family members too and would feel this uncomfortable static like sensation if anyone penetrated my bubble. I was doing massage too though around that time - which luckily helped me through that. (Sometimes I feel the way people with autism have reported feeling if I'm not embracing the id somehow).

Anyway, I felt like I had been severely betrayed by several people close to me, and my life was just a mess, despite my doing everything "right" by society's standards (honor roll in college, etc). I also felt like I was surrounded by compulsive liars and flakes (even when that wasn't necessarily the case) and couldn't trust anyone. I kinda had to develop Ti to make sense of my world again and maintain my sanity. Come up with my own game plan since the blueprints I'd been following didn't work out for me.

Fe's manifested in more idiosyncratic ways for me. I used to have a habit for being late to everything, for example, but I'd always show up, and I was also the friend you could call in the middle of the night or from, like, jail (which has actually happened to me several times now). But yea - Fe - traditional Fe was always more a surface formality for me, with harmony being the ultimate (situational) goal. I began to get extremely subjective with my rationalizations for what harmony and balance meant (I probably still am). Detached and unsympathetic.

I started feeling that way to myself too though. Like my gestures were fake. Either due to the surface aspect (I'm admittedly not as thoughtful with day to day gestures) or because I didn't want to continue them without reciprocation. I was just having one of these episodes of self loathing a few hours ago, honestly, but I think I introject a lot too. I'll begin to think - I don't deserve to detest myself, and would someone who detests themselves really think such a thing? Probably not. Lol. Ti can be a very calm, kind, inner voice.

There are people who do just really detest themselves though for whatever sad reason and want their spankings. It's taken me a long time to accept that. You really can kill people with kindness. I think Ti typically plays out in the INFJ as wanting this blanket answer to life - and I think you can weave those to an extent too - but then development comes from learning to focus back in on the individual threads of the tapestry. Taking it moment by moment within the realm of possibility - which is where Se comes in. The more you develop it, the easier that gets. Fusing instinct, trust, intuition and reading cues.

I've thought about developing Ti as wearing a helmet, lol. Learning to drown out the noise around me and tune into my own frequency. Get people out of my head. Se development is probably learning where and when to take that off too though. I've been spending a lot of time with people who are lacking, er, filters, haha. Thank god, because they're probably the only ones who were capable of pulling me out of this shell I was going to die alone in (I had a co-worker once tell me, when I was going through a stressful time, that I came in every day looking like I was going to explode), but I don't want to lose empathy completely.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,124 Posts
Yeah, I know I'm an S, but I do have the same middle functions...in some ways I relate (becoming more logical, greater distaste fr tradition slightly less conflict-avoidant), in others I seem to be almost going backwards - caring more about what people think than ever before, compartmentalizing less, being touchier and more emotional....yeah. It's weird.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Veggie

·
Registered
Joined
·
266 Posts
The list is good, I just feel like adding my thoughs on a couple of things:

Instead of feeling the need to comfort and console emotional people, you just wish they’d go away.
This might be true as well, but a sing of more "balanced" Ti developement would probably be that you still want to comfort people but your approach becomes more precise. Instead of primarily soothing their hurt feelings, you become better at analyzing why they're hurt and guide them to more practical self-understanding which would prevent such hurt in the future.

Your reasoning becomes based on logic instead of how you feel
Or maybe it is that you become better at analyzing the perceptions that lead to certain reasoning, not so much that your way of reasoning changes?

'Tradition' is a dirty word to you. If there's no sensible reason for doing something, you won't.
Hehee. This one is such a spot on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,052 Posts
Your post got me thinking. Why does developing in this way get seen as tough or mean? I am thinking that it is possibly because we stop reacting to other people's projections that they foist onto us. We become better at seeing when someone is projecting onto us vs. relating to us as a person.

In my experience, a dysfunctional family system uses the INFJ family member(s) in a certain way. We are able to give a lot, but then we end up feeling sucked dry instead of connected to them. After a while we get worn out from this and we change / develop.
An INFJ who is giving their time and attention to someone else is going to give empathy. In a family system where empathy is in short supply, where is the mechanism by which the INFJ is protected from being drained? We are the protectors but if no one else takes time to protect us, we end up realizing we have to protect ourselves.

Thoughts from anyone on this? I know I sound really certain with my claims here. I spent years slogging through trying to meet the never ending needs of others only to realize I was stuck reacting to their projections which was the opposite of forming a solid relationship of mutual care and respect with them. If you are an INFJ in a family that did not take advantage of you, this post may not make any sense. But I am interested in how this list posted by the OP relates to family relationships and all I have is my own experience at the end of the day. It certainly is in no way meant to be 'true' capital T for anyone else! :)

oh, this is so good! thank you. I think what you wrote will get ME thinking in a very good direction. I will take some time to read through what you wrote more carefully, the key points are perfect for where I need to go though, so I wanted to say thank you very much!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,530 Posts
• You are tougher, more independent, and less ‘touchy’ than you used to be.
• You’re aware of how you’re perceived by others but you no longer care what they think.
• You’re more analytical.
The above I developed in the last 10 years or so.


• 'Tradition' is a dirty word to you. If there's no sensible reason for doing something, you won't.
• You no longer feel pressure to conform to social norms—especially if they don’t fit into your own value system or standard of behaviour.
The above I've had since I was a little girl.


The ones on the OP's list but not here I don't identify with them because either I have not seen the need for them or they seem like foreign concepts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,949 Posts
My Ti is more powerful when I'm alone and not reaping social repercussions. Like online. I appear distant and analytical.

Then when one gets to know me, or I'm in person, my Ni-Fe becomes my tools, and people get annoyed how I idealize and color emotion over everything. So I don't know if that makes my Ti developed or just situational.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
501 Posts
The right thread at the right time! I am 25 and I am kind of experimenting with these kinds of behavior. Tradition never really mattered for me (as my family members are all heavy N-users and therefore less tradition minded), but I do seem to get more assertive and tough. Like: 'I am doing my best and if you don't like what I am doing, then this is not my problem.'

I feel this is somewhat a scale I am balancing on, from being super Ti to being overly Fe. Sometimes I am really blunt for instance, and then one second later I would realize my reaction was over the top (Fe) and I would adjust. When I was younger I would just suck it up and be nice all the time to keep the harmony. Now I am much more pragmatic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
I have to say that my experience is that as these things on the list from the OP developed in me, a lot of people who "liked" me, stopped "liking" me so much...this is what led to my own analysis that it is because they were projecting onto me and I was playing their game by their rules. As I develop the things on this list, these people react by not wanting to be around me as much. If they were willing to have a conversation with me about it that would be one thing but they are busy with their own stuff (anxiety, anger) so our relationship wanes or moves into 'barely acquaintances'.

If you grew up in a family as an INFJ and you gave them kindness, understanding, empathy, and then you get tired after a while (i.e. 30 years in my case) its very interesting what happens. At least it was in my case. They really liked all that empathy I brought to the table.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
a littlehobbit's perspective

INFJ: Signs That Your Tertiary Function is Developing

Jan 15 · 2015
thesearepeopleyouknow:

  • Instead of feeling the need to comfort and console emotional people, you just wish they’d go away.
  • You are tougher, more independent, and less ‘touchy’ than you used to be.
  • You spend more time focusing on details you used to think were unimportant.
  • Your reasoning becomes based on logic instead of how you feel
  • You feel strongly about equality, objectivity, and fairness and will fight to preserve them.
  • You’re no longer a doormat. You stand up for yourself and others in spite of the conflict it might cause.
  • You’re aware of how you’re perceived by others but you no longer care what they think.
  • You don’t want to be understood, you just want everyone to leave you alone.
  • Idle chit-chat becomes even more intolerable to you.
  • You’re no longer afraid of confrontation. You will always stand up for causes or people you deem worthy.
  • You’re even more analytical.
  • All of the sudden, you’re really good at compartmentalizing. Everything in your life has its place and you rarely deviate from it.
  • 'Tradition' is a dirty word to you. If there's no sensible reason for doing something, you won't.
  • You no longer feel pressure to conform to social norms—especially if they don’t fit into your own value system or standard of behaviour.
I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. Everything on this list is based on my personal experience as an INFJ who is still learning how to navigate life with Introverted Thinking (Ti) after spending years with the emotional Extroverted Feeling (Fe).
I hope this helps someone.
(via infjadvice)


I found this to be really helpful. Thoughts?
Ti developing isn't that people affect you less, and wanting people to go away. That's a sign of Ni overwhelming your psych, and shutting external stimuli out (Se). This state of being is actually a bit unhealthy. Ti developing means that the information that is presented to you is studied for what it is, objectively, if you are able to remove the normative, subjective influence of Fe from the equation. It's being able to see the points of view of others, even when those points of view contradict what you personally envision is proper methods of conduct and thought for the community.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,530 Posts
Ti developing isn't that people affect you less, and wanting people to go away. That's a sign of Ni overwhelming your psych, and shutting external stimuli out (Se). This state of being is actually a bit unhealthy. Ti developing means that the information that is presented to you is studied for what it is, objectively, if you are able to remove the normative, subjective influence of Fe from the equation. It's being able to see the points of view of others, even when those points of view contradict what you personally envision is proper methods of conduct and thought for the community.
The list is problematic to me, too. I can't identify with most of points. Now you point out why. It's written by someone who doesn't have a good understanding of cognitive functions.

Thanks for clarifying the misconception of Ti.
 
1 - 20 of 40 Posts
Top