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Discussion Starter #1
Soo....

I am 24.

Yesterday, I went on my first "date". It wasn't officially one in the sense of me asking her on a date, but I asked if she would hang out with me and then asked if she would have dinner with me.

It went fine, I don't think there was any chemistry.

But, what I realized, is that I am sooo used to my independence and I tend to run away from even friendships, I honestly don't know if I can be in a relationship. Since obviously, friendships are less demanding than relationships.

Anyone ever feel this way?

Just curious on your thoughts.
 

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i can relate. im so used to being by myself after having my first relationship not go so well, it has been 3 years now...sometimes i want someone to talk to but at the same time, i dont want to be tied down.
 

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I'm too tied up in my own adventures right now, drifting around and writing my stories

I don't think I'll be actively looking, but I may not pass up an opportunity
 

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its when youre not looking is when it appears.
 

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But, what I realized, is that I am sooo used to my independence and I tend to run away from even friendships, I honestly don't know if I can be in a relationship. Since obviously, friendships are less demanding than relationships.

Anyone ever feel this way?

Just curious on your thoughts.
I am used to being alone. I am not used to being independent. For a while, I wasn't admitting that to myself. I have come to the realization that I actually should have listened to people who told me that I need to get out of my shell.

I noticed in the title of your thread you said, "but what if I don't want to be". If you don't want to be, then you'll have to learn to act as an extrovert and enjoy it without feeling like a sell-out. You should understand their mindset very well. More than likely, you want to share your ideas with them, but you may to simplify them and make sure that they can be applied to the situation.

You can't make a difference in the world if the world doesn't know what the hell your talking about. They will think you are crazy, and it will drive you crazy. I used to write stories with deep symbolic meanings, but recently I realized that the people I want to read them the most only see the surface level. Even if I wrote a "masterpiece", it could never be mainstream. Our heads are in the clouds. We have to sort of ground ourselves in reality a little bit in order to actually make it all worth while.

I hope this helps. I am doing the online dating thing. A girl messaged me back, and I am excited. I'm a few years older than you, and I've never been on a date before because of the same reason.
 

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This seems like a prevalent thing with INFJs. I was talking to another INFJ yesterday about this and how we tend to live on the side lines and are not really active in some aspects even in getting what we want. We also have conflicting emotions, we want to be with someone but we want to alone at the same time.

If we want something we can go get it but would we actually do it is the question.
 

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Short answer: there is nothing wrong whatsoever with being single...:)

I am 36 and still experience feelings of reluctance when it comes to becoming involved in a relationship, with or without chemistry. You need only weigh your need for personal space and independence against your desire to be with this person. In this instance the choice seems simple. There is not enough chemistry to justify getting involved in something that could potentially become serious and difficult to break off when (and if) the time comes, and in this case that it seems likely that it would. Of course this is contingent on the young woman's desires as well, but...

Then again, there is the option of casual dating, though I have never been good at this, and I suspect our INFJ counterparts are the same. Nevertheless, I have done it and this could be a solution. Every encounter need not end in a deep, meaningful, time-consuming relationship. You could explore the situation you mentioned (especially considering that it is your first date), see if it leads anywhere, and not allow it to get any more serious than you are prepared to handle. This could satisfy your desire for human companionship, while simultaneously allowing you to maintain your overriding desire for solitude. If it gets more complicated than you want, simply opt out. Of course, if it's wrong and you have absolutely no doubts that it's wrong, then I probably wouldn't bother.

I am an enormously independent person, though in my youth I was lonely and hungry to be in a relationship. I have been in a few relationships over the years, mostly short-term, and the overwhelming majority (at least in my youth) have been something I rushed into out of loneliness, curiosity, desperation, etc. These should be simple to terminate, though I inevitably feel guilty when it comes time to end these relationships, even though I knew they would likely not work out from the beginning. Of course I do not speak for all of us, but much of my reluctance to date casually (or even to invest in a relationship) stems from this. My natural proclivity for conflict avoidance, innate empathy, and inability to share deep emotions does not make this any easier.

Of course, not all relationships are of this variety. Sometimes, even with a relationship with all the necessary chemical components in place (of which I am not entirely unfamiliar), there is still that underlying desire for personal space and independence...even if it is great. This does not mean that you wish to run around and date other people, or that you do not love that person, only that you prize, and likely require, solitude. This is not a flaw, not something you need to change, unless you want to, but can definitely lead to an intense feeling of dissonance.

It is quite natural to wish to be in a relationship, or simply to desire human contact and all that comes with it. It is equally natural to desire your alone time, and, let‘s face it, our temperament requires no small amount of time to recharge, contemplate, and compose our “masterpieces“ (whatever these may be). I cannot speak for all INFJ’s (or even introverts), but I need ample amounts of “me time,” and this requirement increases as I grow older. By “me time,” I do not mean I need a couple of hours each day. I need days on end of uninterrupted time alone, without the impending feeling that I must squeeze it into some narrow framework. It is in my nature, and, to be honest, I have no wish to change it. Constant contact, even with a significant other whom I love, exhausts me. It has nothing to do with that other person. It is not personal, it is just the way I am.

You can change your nature (or at least its outward manifestation) to a degree, but you should only feel compelled to do so if the unfulfilled desire for companionship is causing you more distress than being alone is bringing you happiness, and certainly not because society tells you that the only way to happiness is though human contact, or because someone else does not like or understand who and what you are. Otherwise, exercise patience. You can find a balance, but the end result should make you as close to happy as is possible, and should not feel like a compromise.

This is undoubtedly more than you wanted to know, but this is my take on your question.

“Well you know that I love to live with you,
but you make me forget so very much.
I forget to pray for the angels
and then the angels forget to pray for us.”

-Leonard Cohen
 

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in my case relationships are nicer in theory
even when i manage to encounter the ideal person of my dreams
reality somehow feels much more down to earth and mundane (well of course more addictive it can be that way)
the more i manage to become self sufficient the more peace and tranquiltiy i get
and i am wondering
is relationship an intermission between the bliss of independency / single life?
or is independency / single life intermission to the quest for the other half?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks for all your thoughts guys.

Someone said the more independent they become the more at peace they feel. As I'm getting older, year by year, I feel this too.

It has also crossed my mind as well, what if I date someone enough to have that connection but dont let it get so personal so I have my space.

We are an interesting bunch.:tongue:
 
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