Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

Registered
Joined
10,848 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Do you ever reflect between your standards and deal breakers, vs your own idiosyncrasies and how they apply to you being single?

Like for me I have a very high standard as far as not settling with/for anyone I perceive as love addicts. People that just relationship hop, are never single, and often saying they love everyone they are with quick. I not only don鈥檛 desire that, Im very repelled by it.

But then I was thinking well who the fuck am I to be on such a high horse. Im a single work obsessed commitment phobe 馃ぃ. And I have my own baggage or things others would define as deal breakers.

Which leads me to more so reflecting where鈥檚 the line between holding your standards, not settling, etc but also being realistic on what one has in their own closet or backyard.

I don鈥檛 think people should just settle and be in an unhappy relationship or be with someone they aren鈥檛 even connected with.

But should one reflect on why they aren鈥檛 connecting with people? Seems hard to define the line between where often times: many likely singles out and about actively dating are relationship hoppers. Vs again looking within on if there are larger issues one has as to why they are single. Rather than simply not coming across people not trying to jump into relationships quick for wrong reasons.

Meh I rambled a lot
 

Banned
Joined
4,900 Posts
My dating perspective doesn't consider standards or personal flaws. They're focused on connection and compatibility. If we connect, it's all good. If we don't, it's all good. If one changes their mind, that too is good. Everyone has a right to their preferences and if I fail their standards, that too is all good. It means that we're incompatible.
 

Registered
Joined
10,848 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My dating perspective doesn't consider standards or personal flaws. They're focused on connection and compatibility. If we connect, it's all good. If we don't, it's all good. If one changes their mind, that too is good. Everyone has a right to their preferences and if I fail their standards, that too is all good. It means that we're incompatible.
Id say usually I have an extremely similar view. In the large picture.

I鈥檇 just paused a second to think about if maybe I should be reflecting on other things.
 

Banned
Joined
4,900 Posts
Id say usually I have an extremely similar view. In the large picture.

I鈥檇 just paused a second to think about if maybe I should be reflecting on other things.
It's a non-judgmental perspective that considers how everyone resides in the grey zone, hence negates black and white thinking.
 

Registered
Joined
10,848 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
It's a non-judgmental perspective that considers how everyone resides in the grey zone, hence negates black and white thinking.
Again I think that was my view for a long time. And still in the large picture probably is at heart.

I think what lead to maybe the internal conflict of even having the black and white. Was that initially just dating I was just going about life taking people as they come. I think the view started to come from after being single for a while and dating on and off just noticing from my perspective the dating market seems so saturated with people looking to dive nose deep and relationship hop. Individually I don鈥檛 care what those people do. I鈥檝e just found as a numbers game it鈥檚 something that is really common to encounter. So again don鈥檛 care what they do. Just care they dominate the dating market. But then that鈥檚 when I get all irritated by that saturation and common encounter and then start to get all in my head on getting the fuck over myself too.

Just to be clear I haven鈥檛 actively been dating online or in the community. What made me think about it, was I was thinking that I think I鈥檓 in a better head space where I鈥檇 be interested in dating again. But then my mind instantly going to the common traffic one comes across. And then being put off. And then being like鈥 well what am I going to just never date again because of this lol, and again I should get the fuck over myself.

There鈥檚 alotta stage 5 clingers looking for love. Not to be in love. There鈥檚 a difference between looking for love and wanting to be in love. The difference is settling, I don鈥檛 want to keep encountering these settlers. I鈥檇 like to meet and encounter more like minded people who are interested in the prospect of a connection and chemistry but don鈥檛 dive fucken nose first seeking any relationship and affection. I want to meet someone and be in love. I suppose I can鈥檛 do that if I won鈥檛 date, just to avoid all the stage 5 clingers 馃ぃ
 

Registered
Joined
10,848 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Re: relationshiphopping

I absolutely agree. And I think this is a great message for love & relationship addicts.

That said, the ability to be alone is different than the desire to be alone for eternity, lol. Id rather be single than settle (especially with a stage 5 clinger). But just because I鈥檇 rather be single than that option and opt out of a settling relationship. Doesn鈥檛 mean I always want to be single 馃ぃ. There鈥檚 been very specific times I have wanted to be single and left alone though just to be clear.
 

Host
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ VLFE SCUEI
Joined
21,995 Posts
Do you ever reflect between your standards and deal breakers, vs your own idiosyncrasies and how they apply to you being single?

Like for me I have a very high standard as far as not settling with/for anyone I perceive as love addicts. People that just relationship hop, are never single, and often saying they love everyone they are with quick. I not only don鈥檛 desire that, Im very repelled by it.

But then I was thinking well who the fuck am I to be on such a high horse. Im a single work obsessed commitment phobe 馃ぃ. And I have my own baggage or things others would define as deal breakers.

Which leads me too more so reflecting where鈥檚 the line between holding your standards, not settling, etc but also being realistic on what one has in their own closet or backyard.

I don鈥檛 think people should just settle and be in an unhappy relationship or be with someone they aren鈥檛 even connected with.

But should one reflect on why they aren鈥檛 connecting with people? Seems hard to define the line between where often times: many likely singles out and about actively dating are relationship hoppers. Vs again looking within on if there are larger issues one why is single than simply not coming across people not trying to jump into relationships quick for wrong reasons.

Meh I rambled a lot
Wait...there's a difference?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sensational

Registered
馃殌
Joined
10,241 Posts
I absolutely agree. And I think this is a great message for love & relationship addicts.

That said, the ability to be alone is different than the desire to be alone for eternity, lol. Id rather be single than settle (especially with a stage 5 clinger). But just because I鈥檇 rather be single than that option and opt out of a settling relationship. Doesn鈥檛 mean I always want to be single . There鈥檚 been very specific times I have wanted to be single and left alone though just to be clear.
That's why it's paradoxical?

You could also turn it around, you don't want to be in an eternal relation, when losing yourself in a codependent symbiosis. That's not the same as commitment phobia.

 

Registered
Joined
10,848 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
That's why it's paradoxical?

You could also turn it around, you don't want to be in an eternal relation, when losing yourself in a codependent symbiosis. That's not the same as commitment phobia.

Very good read (thank you)

Yeah I don鈥檛 want symbiotic union 馃槈. Lol
 

Registered
ENTJ
Joined
1,685 Posts
I find it's easy to understand myself but a whole lot harder to understand someone else coz you dunno wtf they're really thinking but you know everything you think and feel. Whenever I try understand someone else, most of it is built upon assumptions, theres rarely any certainty but there is certainty with yourself.
 

Registered
INTP
Joined
6,830 Posts
Do you ever reflect between your standards and deal breakers, vs your own idiosyncrasies and how they apply to you being single?

Like for me I have a very high standard as far as not settling with/for anyone I perceive as love addicts. People that just relationship hop, are never single, and often saying they love everyone they are with quick. I not only don鈥檛 desire that, Im very repelled by it.

But then I was thinking well who the fuck am I to be on such a high horse. Im a single work obsessed commitment phobe 馃ぃ. And I have my own baggage or things others would define as deal breakers.

Which leads me to more so reflecting where鈥檚 the line between holding your standards, not settling, etc but also being realistic on what one has in their own closet or backyard.

I don鈥檛 think people should just settle and be in an unhappy relationship or be with someone they aren鈥檛 even connected with.

But should one reflect on why they aren鈥檛 connecting with people? Seems hard to define the line between where often times: many likely singles out and about actively dating are relationship hoppers. Vs again looking within on if there are larger issues one has as to why they are single. Rather than simply not coming across people not trying to jump into relationships quick for wrong reasons.

Meh I rambled a lot
Yes, it was scary for me to admit that I've been married 3 times, which would be a deal breaker to many. On paper anyway. So if someone was "looking for a relationship," they'd be turned off by that. But if they knew me well, maybe it wouldn't be that simple. I do have some good qualities.

I knew a middle-aged man in a happy and long-standing marriage. He told me this was his fifth marriage. So you never know.

I have my own long list of red flags and deal breakers. For example, I believe the odds of making it work with a widower or a person from another culture are low. So I might bypass such people on a dating site. But if I got to know the person through work or something, I might see the individual behind the red flag.

And while you might think your description would turn most people off, it might be just what one person wants. For example, a male acquaintance who has been both well off and poor told me that "women like you better when you have money." I was surprised by this, because I'd rather be with a man who is (or has been) poor. A person who's always been comfortable will never understand my life -- why I couldn't go to the dentist or take time off work or get a babysitter, or what it's like to have no car or no phone or no credit card, or that "tenant's rights" and other rights don't exist for some people.

I never wanted to be a relationship hopper. I wanted to be in a real relationship that lasted forever. I think I was just naive, thinking everyone's intentions were good.

A person who was exasperated by my string of failed relationships once said, "Get to know the person first." I had no idea what that even meant. This isn't the 1950s, where you could play the field and go on dates and wait until marriage. Nowadays you meet someone who seems nice, you jump into bed, and suddenly you're in a relationship.

But now, for health reasons and other reasons, I'm not getting into relationships. I'm finally "getting to know" people. These people might or might not have been romantic prospects in the past. It's interesting.

Looking back on my disastrous relationship history, I guess I just have to say, "Doesn't matter, had sex."
 

Registered
Joined
1,334 Posts
Do you ever reflect between your standards and deal breakers, vs your own idiosyncrasies and how they apply to you being single?

Like for me I have a very high standard as far as not settling with/for anyone I perceive as love addicts. People that just relationship hop, are never single, and often saying they love everyone they are with quick. I not only don鈥檛 desire that, Im very repelled by it.

But then I was thinking well who the fuck am I to be on such a high horse. Im a single work obsessed commitment phobe 馃ぃ. And I have my own baggage or things others would define as deal breakers.

Which leads me to more so reflecting where鈥檚 the line between holding your standards, not settling, etc but also being realistic on what one has in their own closet or backyard.

I don鈥檛 think people should just settle and be in an unhappy relationship or be with someone they aren鈥檛 even connected with.

But should one reflect on why they aren鈥檛 connecting with people? Seems hard to define the line between where often times: many likely singles out and about actively dating are relationship hoppers. Vs again looking within on if there are larger issues one has as to why they are single. Rather than simply not coming across people not trying to jump into relationships quick for wrong reasons.

Meh I rambled a lot
I relate a lot to you. I have high standards for good reason, but when I get feelings suddenly I throw all of that out the window and just want to be with them, then it doesn't work out cause they weren't ready. But that also begs the question of why I'm not attracting or being attracted to the kind of person that I can make a good relationship with, which means I'm not ready as well.
 

Registered
Joined
10,848 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I relate a lot to you. I have high standards for good reason, but when I get feelings suddenly I throw all of that out the window and just want to be with them, then it doesn't work out cause they weren't ready. But that also begs the question of why I'm not attracting or being attracted to the kind of person that I can make a good relationship with, which means I'm not ready as well.
Yeah that is sort of a similar conclusion I鈥檝e come back to also. As far as attracting/timing
 

Registered
Joined
10,848 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Yes, it was scary for me to admit that I've been married 3 times, which would be a deal breaker to many. On paper anyway. So if someone was "looking for a relationship," they'd be turned off by that. But if they knew me well, maybe it wouldn't be that simple. I do have some good qualities.

I knew a middle-aged man in a happy and long-standing marriage. He told me this was his fifth marriage. So you never know.

I have my own long list of red flags and deal breakers. For example, I believe the odds of making it work with a widower or a person from another culture are low. So I might bypass such people on a dating site. But if I got to know the person through work or something, I might see the individual behind the red flag.

And while you might think your description would turn most people off, it might be just what one person wants. For example, a male acquaintance who has been both well off and poor told me that "women like you better when you have money." I was surprised by this, because I'd rather be with a man who is (or has been) poor. A person who's always been comfortable will never understand my life -- why I couldn't go to the dentist or take time off work or get a babysitter, or what it's like to have no car or no phone or no credit card, or that "tenant's rights" and other rights don't exist for some people.

I never wanted to be a relationship hopper. I wanted to be in a real relationship that lasted forever. I think I was just naive, thinking everyone's intentions were good.

A person who was exasperated by my string of failed relationships once said, "Get to know the person first." I had no idea what that even meant. This isn't the 1950s, where you could play the field and go on dates and wait until marriage. Nowadays you meet someone who seems nice, you jump into bed, and suddenly you're in a relationship.

But now, for health reasons and other reasons, I'm not getting into relationships. I'm finally "getting to know" people. These people might or might not have been romantic prospects in the past. It's interesting.

Looking back on my disastrous relationship history, I guess I just have to say, "Doesn't matter, had sex."
I really enjoy a lot of the insight you have. I notice many of your posts because of your wisdom. You just seem really in touch with your flaws in an authentic way. But really transparent.

I could relate to what you were saying here below a lot: I鈥檇 say I鈥檝e actually struggled more when I dated people with more money due to topics you point out. It鈥檚 hard to enjoy some of the more frivolous recreational things when you鈥檙e in the thick of it. An ex of mine thought a way to woo me was to send me a RIDICULOUS pastry bundle (that he ordered on his companies dime and had sent to me, so not even his money 馃ぃ), but he sent that when I was in the middle of financially struggling. And I was just like wtf you want me to do with a luxury pastry box lol. I鈥檓 not a potential client (does that shit work on other women lol). He also kept trying to bring me shopping constant for ridiculous things I did not need. I could not handle listening to him whine about falling from a 250k income bracket, to 鈥榦nly鈥 125k. Some serious ridiculous 1st world problems 馃う馃徎鈥嶁檧锔. (Dude try living off 40k.)

鈥淔or example, a male acquaintance who has been both well off and poor told me that "women like you better when you have money." I was surprised by this, because I'd rather be with a man who is (or has been) poor. A person who's always been comfortable will never understand my life -- why I couldn't go to the dentist or take time off work or get a babysitter, or what it's like to have no car or no phone or no credit card, or that "tenant's rights" and other rights don't exist for some people.鈥
 

Registered
Joined
505 Posts
Theres a few things inn the past that fixated on, which in the grand scheme of things, sure if I was still at school would of probably made sense, but school was a long time ago.
 

Retired Administrator
Joined
19,448 Posts
I think initially my notion of sex/relationships was like pure romance. It was more of a feeling--I didn't have standards, I just had dreams. Vague dreams. Of love and romance--of having some happily ever after.

Then after I fell flat on my face from that, I had some standards like make sure he's not abusive, make sure he actually loves me too, are we compatible? Are we going to sabotage each others lives because we have different goals? And examining the other side of love that is more about choice and sacrifice (but only for good reasons--not to just sacrifice one's self for the selfish whims of another or one's own selfish whims). So love has to have this "big picture" thing--be good--be noble.

All the while, I still had this vague resistance to materialism in romance...or this idea that sex should be just for love. That relationships should just be for love.

But repeatedly in my life I've found that my idealism and romanticism just really is abstract. I mean dreams are dreams, but surviving on earth requires more than just dreams. And I could never let that go and compromise. But it's not like I have some lofty "standards" I just never wanted to have it be about anything but love.

That being said, I did experiment with sex as a teen after I was working through some issues--it might have been related to psychological issues or it might have been just natural curiosity and openness (though lol I couldn't even orgasm till I was 19 so it wasn't really fulfilling in any way).

I swing back and forth--feeling like I was a fool for ever believing in the notion of romance. And also feeling like I'm glad I had the dream because it was meaningful to me. And sometimes thinking perhaps I was more fitted for being a nun.
 

Registered
INTP
Joined
6,830 Posts
Thank you, @Sensational , for your kind words about my posts.

An ex of mine thought a way to woo me was to send me a RIDICULOUS pastry bundle (that he ordered on his companies dime and had sent to me, so not even his money 馃ぃ), but he sent that when I was in the middle of financially struggling. And I was just like wtf you want me to do with a luxury pastry box lol.
Yes, reminds me of when my grandmother offered to pay for my daughter's tuition at a private day school. Uh, we live in a slum and run out of food before the end of the month. How is she going to go to school with rich kids? (I just politely said no thanks.)

Back to our regularly scheduled thread ...
 

Registered
Joined
6,170 Posts
I have some sort of attraction-standards. I expect other people to have it.
I have some sort of personality-standards. I expect other people to have it.
I have a list of minor annoyances I can live with. I don't expect other people to have that thought out.
I did have a kids as a deal-breaker, as life turned out I'm actually OK with kids! I didn't expect me to get along with kids, but I apparently do. I learned they're the lesser problem in a relationship,

But should one reflect on why they aren鈥檛 connecting with people?
YES! The one factor you cannot change in all the meetings is yourself. Statistically if most people shuns you it's you, not them and time to dare ask yourself "why".
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top