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MOTM July 2010
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I have this 2 friends. One girl and one guy. Lets just say their name is Anna and Andy.

Anna is a very beautiful girl and she has many admirer. One day she involved with 5 guys who likes her. I told her to pick one, but she refused. She said she fall in love with ALL of them. So those guys finally found out that she's involved with all of them. One by one left her and dates another girl. I saw how Anna got hurt and broken hearted every time she finds out that one of those guys is dating another girl. And things kept repeating. Currently she is having relationship with 3 guys. And like always, she refused to choose one because she said she love them ALL. Plus, she always said that she's still in love with her exes. Each one of them.

Andy had this relationship with one girl. Then the girl broke up with him. Now Andy has another girlfriend. But he still keep in touch with his ex. Now his ex wanted to come back, and Andy told me he was confused because he loves BOTH of his ex and his current gf. He doesn't want to choose.

Personally, I couldn't understand how someone can love more than a person, romantically, at the same time. When I'm romantically in love with a person, there's no other room in my heart for another person. When I said I'm romantically in love with you, you can be sure that I'm only saying that to you.

Also, when I broke up with my ex, my love for him will gradually disappear. When I have a crush on a guy and then I find out he's in a relationship with someone else, my feelings for him will also gone. Short to say, I just can't love what I can't have.

So, if I'm Andy, I will choose my current gf and I will have no more romantic feelings for my ex, even if I still care about her. If I'm Anna, I'll choose one bf at a time.

SJs, what about you? Can you romantically in love with more than one person? Can you love a person which you can't have (i.e someone whose already married or in a relationship with another person)? Can you love a person who said he/she is romantically in love with you, but also in love with another person(s)?


 

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I'm the same as you, if I give my heart to one person it would be that just one person.

And if I do have a crush on someone and then find out they're involved, then I most likely will gradually lose interest. Although I wouldn't rule out that all the time, sometimes that attraction will be there but I wouldn't do anything about it because I'm not the type of person to break up a relationship - I put myself in the woman's shoes and think how hurt they would be, just because I wouldn't want to be treated like that, and I've been in that position before and it is painful....the betrayal.
 

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"Can you be romantically in love with more than 1 person?" It's possible but not very likely.
Feelings are feelings and they can be tricky. As with Andys case.
I can understand his POV and I think it must be a very confusing situation. It's perfectly possible to love more than 1 person, even romantically. But not very likely, at least not for me (romantically that is. :tongue:).
There is room for but 1 partner unless something extra-ordinary happens. Like the x-effect in Andys case. Then it gets messy. But I would likely choose 1 and stick to it before the triangle drama ensues..

Anna is totally not cool!:angry: That's too extreme, how can she do that?

"Can you love a person which you can't have (i.e someone whose already married or in a relationship with another person)? Can you love a person who said he/she is romantically in love with you, but also in love with another person(s)?"
Yes-yes, it's possible. But not plausible.
As I mentioned before feelings are feelings, though I doubt I would ever put myself in such a situation. I don't follow all my feelings and impulses blindly:tongue:. Brain+heart is key

Also some people are like swans, they have 1 big love and stick to it. Even if it means to be alone for the rest of their lives, or a long period of time. I find it admirable and also a bit sad.
 

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it is REALLY difficult for me to really like more than one person at once. It's uncomfortable for me to be in that situation ; I generally have one track minds and am very content with that. I don't like other people approaching me with their interest in me when I'm involved with someone else. And I would like my partner to also be that way.

I like monogamy a lot.
 

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SJs, what about you? Can you romantically in love with more than one person? Can you love a person which you can't have (i.e someone whose already married or in a relationship with another person)? Can you love a person who said he/she is romantically in love with you, but also in love with another person(s)?
I could never romantically be involved with more than one person. Logic would stop me loving a person i am not allowed to be with and also it would go against my principles.

Your final question is a little more trickier.
 

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Love is a social construct. It is different for each person, and if you believe you can love more than one person, more power to you. I'm happy for everyone who loves their one special person, but I'm also happy for those who have enough love in their minds and hearts to love more than one person equally.

As a side note - can you really say that you can only love one person? I'm assuming that you mean that you can only romantically love one person. Surely most of you love your mom/dad/brother/sister/dog. And you love each of them to the best of your ability. Why is there a limit to romantic love, but not to familial love? There's only a limit because society teaches that it is abhorrent and wrong to love more than one person. Society teaches us that love is between two people, and two people only - anything else is a crime. These same societal rules tell us that we can't allow same-sex couples, that's a crime too. These societal rules also tell us that it's not so cool for a white person to love a black person. I'm willing to bet that a lot of people here don't agree with THOSE societal rules. Why is it okay to break those rules, but not the rule on monogamy? I don't agree with this. You can love however many people you want, and whomever you want.

The more you realize how society shapes your beliefs/values/customs the more you can separate yourself from it and really soul search to see if you agree with the rules that your world has imposed on you. So really, do you believe that it's only okay for one person to love one and only one other person? Even if it's what you want, would you impose this rule on others? Take away their freedoms? I hope not.
 

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MOTM July 2010
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Discussion Starter #7
Love is a social construct.
I disagree. I think love is a natural desire that everyone has. It has little, if not nothing, to do with social construct. Ancient history clearly proves that the homosexual practice is not a new term. Everyone knows that Alexander The Great was bisexual, for example.

As a side note - can you really say that you can only love one person? I'm assuming that you mean that you can only romantically love one person.
Yes. Apparently you didn't read my question clearly.
Can you romantically in love with more than one person?


There's only a limit because society teaches that it is abhorrent and wrong to love more than one person. Society teaches us that love is between two people, and two people only - anything else is a crime.
Not all societal rules teach that. There's a lot of countries and cultures that allows polygamy, which is basically allows one person (male) to have many wives. What societal rules are you talking about?

Why is it okay to break those rules, but not the rule on monogamy? I don't agree with this. You can love however many people you want, and whomever you want.

The more you realize how society shapes your beliefs/values/customs the more you can separate yourself from it and really soul search to see if you agree with the rules that your world has imposed on you. So really, do you believe that it's only okay for one person to love one and only one other person? Even if it's what you want, would you impose this rule on others? Take away their freedoms? I hope not.
My question is not whether you agree or disagree with monogamy. My question is simply, if I must repeat:
Can you romantically in love with more than one person? Can you love a person which you can't have (i.e someone whose already married or in a relationship with another person)? Can you love a person who said he/she is romantically in love with you, but also in love with another person(s)?

The purpose of those questions is to seek the correlation between SJs, who are commonly known as the most loyal type from all the MBTI types.

 

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To want love and to feel love is a natural desire. What love is to a culture, a group of people, is a social construct. Love is different for people in the US than it is for people in a country that practices and condones polygamy. Some countries don't consider love at all in things like marriage. In the US, love is considered a typical reason for marriage - hence it becomes a social construct. I apologize for not being clearer.

And you're right, I didn't read your post clearly enough, I skimmed it because your grammar is very poor in some sections and it hurts my brain to translate into proper English. :) I think it's fair to say that my point still stands. We don't divide up our familial love and decide that we love one family member more than another. Why do we HAVE to only have enough love for one romantic relationship? (Per US dominant culture, of course!) Seems kind of silly to me. Like we have a bag of love and the one for our moms and dads and sisters and brothers is unlimited, but the one for our boyfriend or girlfriend is only so full. What happens to the limited love when we give it to someone and then the relationship fails? Does that love that we gave them disappear? Do we have less love to give to our next partner? I feel that saying that people can/should only love one person romantically is like saying you can measure love. That's all I meant.

I also wasn't really answering your questions, I was questioning the responses of others mostly because this thread is similar to another that exists in another part of this forum, and I find it interesting that most, if not all people agree that anything other than monogamy is "disgusting."

And I'm also unsure of why you brought up homosexuals from ancient Greece. What does this have to do with monogamy, or even love? Are you meaning that love isn't a social construct because men fucked other men in ancient times? That point doesn't make any sense - society was just different back then. Though yes, I did know that homosexuality and bisexuality are ancient practices. Thanks for reminding me of something that any educated and open-minded person knows. ^.^

And sorry! U.S. dominant culture, of course. I know very well that all cultures are not the same. It's cute that you think I'm a bigot though.

The purpose of those questions is to seek the correlation between SJs, who are commonly known as the most loyal type from all the MBTI types.


The purpose of my post was to point out that people should reconsider their views on love because I don't believe that polygamy should be looked at so negatively. I apologize for not staying on track with your subject.

Also.. are you trying to imply that to be loyal you must only be in love with one person? Meaning you think that most SJs will not agree with polyamory because they have a sense of loyalty? Hm, interesting.

To actually answer your question though, and get your panties untwisted - I believe that I am fully capable of being in a polygamist relationship, whether it be multiple women and one man, multiple women and myself, or myself and multiple men. I am actually in a polygamist relationship with two bisexual males, and it is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. :)

As a side note, you're very rude, and I'm sure you understand my response in kind to such rudeness. Have a nice day.

 

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MOTM July 2010
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Discussion Starter #9
To want love and to feel love is a natural desire. What love is to a culture, a group of people, is a social construct.
Again, I must disagree. Your opinion suggest that people are easily shaped by their social rules. But social rules itself was build based on individuals opinion that became a major opinion. So social rules basically comes from the desire of most individuals in the group.

Love is different for people in the US than it is for people in a country that practices and condones polygamy. Some countries don't consider love at all in things like marriage. In the US, love is considered a typical reason for marriage - hence it becomes a social construct. I apologize for not being clearer.
Are you suggesting that people who practices polygamy doesn't consider love at all in marriage? If yes, then I must disagree. Polygamy is one of the example how society support the term of loving more than a person when it comes to romance.

And as far as I know, your country is against it. This proves that most of people in your country does not agree with the term of loving more than a person. I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, but it is the fact that majority of the people prefer one on one relationship
when it comes to romance.

Is doing the opposite means wrong? I never said that. I simply stated that I'm not a fan of it and I'm curious to know if other SJs has the similar statement. That is why I made this thread.


And you're right, I didn't read your post clearly enough, I skimmed it because your grammar is very poor in some sections and it hurts my brain to translate into proper English. :)
I'm sorry. English is not my mother tongue and I can't afford to take English course, so I use international forum to practice my English autodidactly. :sad:

I think it's fair to say that my point still stands.
I understand that, but your first post in this thread doesn't really answer my questions and had potential to derailing the thread. So I was trying to steer the conversation to the main subject.

We don't divide up our familial love and decide that we love one family member more than another. Why do we HAVE to only have enough love for one romantic relationship? (Per US dominant culture, of course!)
As I said earlier, I don't think romantically in love with more than a person is something that everyone MUST do, since many people practice polygamy since more than thousands of years ago. It means many people do that, so it's not necessarily the wrong thing. My questions in the OP is clear: CAN you romantically in love with more than a person? It's a question about a person's ability to love more than one person (because I'm not able to do so), it's not about whether it's right or wrong, or whether it's make sense or not.

Seems kind of silly to me.
I wouldn't say that. For most people, a marriage ideally involving two person. Is it silly if we only able to love a person and wanting the same thing from our partner? I don't think so. I think, for most people, romantic love is about being equal and fair in love, but in the same time also indulging our selfishness to have the whole love only for ourselves and vice versa.

Like we have a bag of love and the one for our moms and dads and sisters and brothers is unlimited, but the one for our boyfriend or girlfriend is only so full.
What's wrong with that?

What happens to the limited love when we give it to someone and then the relationship fails? Does that love that we gave them disappear?
For me, yes. Like I said in the OP, I can't love what I can't have.

Do we have less love to give to our next partner?
No, because what is left from the past for me is just memories. My love will remain complete for my next partner.

I feel that saying that people can/should only love one person romantically is like saying you can measure love. That's all I meant.
I understand. And I disagree.

I also wasn't really answering your questions, I was questioning the responses of others mostly because this thread is similar to another that exists in another part of this forum, and I find it interesting that most, if not all people agree that anything other than monogamy is "disgusting."
I know what thread you're referring to. But you should know that what others think about some issue, whether you agree or not, is none of your business. You may argue, you may questioning, but you shouldn't judge.

And I'm also unsure of why you brought up homosexuals from ancient Greece. What does this have to do with monogamy, or even love? Are you meaning that love isn't a social construct because men fucked other men in ancient times?
Exactly.

That point doesn't make any sense - society was just different back then.
Ancient society was even crueler about homosexuality. I was referring to ancient society because my point is, even in the most cruel era, homosexual and bisexual was still arise, proved that love is not a social construct.

Though yes, I did know that homosexuality and bisexuality are ancient practices. Thanks for reminding me of something that any educated and open-minded person knows. ^.^
And sorry! U.S. dominant culture, of course. I know very well that all cultures are not the same. It's cute that you think I'm a bigot though
I'm surprise with your respond. I think you're over perceiving my words.

Also.. are you trying to imply that to be loyal you must only be in love with one person?
Meaning you think that most SJs will not agree with polyamory because they have a sense of loyalty? Hm, interesting.
No. Once again, you're over perceiving my questions. I'm asking the questions because I want to know can any SJ love more than one person. I'm not saying anything about MUST in love with one person.

To actually answer your question though, and get your panties untwisted - I believe that I am fully capable of being in a polygamist relationship, whether it be multiple women and one man, multiple women and myself, or myself and multiple men.
Why don't you just say so since the beginning?


I am actually in a polygamist relationship with two bisexual males, and it is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. :)
This explains why you got offended so easily.


As a side note, you're very rude, and I'm sure you understand my response in kind to such rudeness. Have a nice day.
Umm... :mellow:
Nope, I don't know. I'm actually quite surprise with your reaction. I don't see anything rude in my comments about you, as I don't remember having any negative intention toward you. I think you're overreacting.



 

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If I had more energy, I'd try to go through each thing that you pointed out, because in a lot of them, you misunderstood my meaning - once again I believe because of a language barrier - and I have a tendency to figure that most people understand English (which is wrong of me) so I don't take the time to flesh out my thoughts completely. I'm sorry that we're having trouble understanding each other. I won't derail your thread any more. :)

I would like to point out that my "judging" people for thinking polygamy is disgusting isn't precisely what you think. I'm not upset because they don't agree with polygamy - I'm upset because their choice of words is rude and hurtful to people that practice polygamy. I have no problem with people not accepting polygamy, and thinking that monogamy is the way to be. I have a problem with people being righteous about it, and thinking that their individual way is the only way - I think that if you disagree with something you can say it in a much better way than "that's disgusting" - it shows disdain for other peoples' way of life, and I think it's part of the problem with the world today. And as much as people have the right to express their opinion and feel the way that they do - I also have that right. My choice is to try explain things in way so that they might understand different lifestyles.


 
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If I had more energy, I'd try to go through each thing that you pointed out, because in a lot of them, you misunderstood my meaning - once again I believe because of a language barrier - and I have a tendency to figure that most people understand English (which is wrong of me) so I don't take the time to flesh out my thoughts completely. I'm sorry that we're having trouble understanding each other. I won't derail your thread any more. :)
It's funny how you twisted things by blaming the language barrier as the main problem, rather than admitting that you're over perceiving. But that's fine. I don't have problem with that. Thank you for your understanding anyway.

I would like to point out that my "judging" people for thinking polygamy is disgusting isn't precisely what you think. I'm not upset because they don't agree with polygamy - I'm upset because their choice of words is rude and hurtful to people that practice polygamy. I have no problem with people not accepting polygamy, and thinking that monogamy is the way to be. I have a problem with people being righteous about it, and thinking that their individual way is the only way - I think that if you disagree with something you can say it in a much better way than "that's disgusting" - it shows disdain for other peoples' way of life, and I think it's part of the problem with the world today. And as much as people have the right to express their opinion and feel the way that they do - I also have that right. My choice is to try explain things in way so that they might understand different lifestyles.

I agree with you. "That's disgusting" can be read as an insult and it's hurtful. Perhaps next time you should focus on the right thread, rather than generalizing all threads and misplacing your anger to the wrong thread.


 

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As a side note - can you really say that you can only love one person? I'm assuming that you mean that you can only romantically love one person. Surely most of you love your mom/dad/brother/sister/dog. And you love each of them to the best of your ability. Why is there a limit to romantic love, but not to familial love? There's only a limit because society teaches that it is abhorrent and wrong to love more than one person. Society teaches us that love is between two people, and two people only - anything else is a crime. These same societal rules tell us that we can't allow same-sex couples, that's a crime too. These societal rules also tell us that it's not so cool for a white person to love a black person. I'm willing to bet that a lot of people here don't agree with THOSE societal rules. Why is it okay to break those rules, but not the rule on monogamy? I don't agree with this. You can love however many people you want, and whomever you want.

The more you realize how society shapes your beliefs/values/customs the more you can separate yourself from it and really soul search to see if you agree with the rules that your world has imposed on you. So really, do you believe that it's only okay for one person to love one and only one other person? Even if it's what you want, would you impose this rule on others? Take away their freedoms? I hope not.
I believe the issue of monogamy and polygamy is really dependant upon intimacy, security and other such factors--moreso than one's capability to love.

A relationship is oftentimes a huge investment; it takes much energy to really understand another and build a deep connection. It's not rare to hear someone complain about the complications of a single, monogamous relationship. Thus, would polygamous relationships not be more complicated? Feel free to correct me here, as I'm only extrapolating.

Priorities play a profound role. What is it one wants from a relationship?

Furthermore, as a relationship (romantic or otherwise) tends to increase in intensity and meaning as time progresses, I'd say it's somewhat inevitable for concerns regarding security and trust to emerge. The benefits of such a bond only burgeon, as well. It can be difficult to begin anew; loyalty is heavily valued, and understandably so. Therefore, forming a relationship with more than one person can seem a bit shaky, if not insecure, to many.

Of course, I'm speaking from the perspective of an introverted, enneatype 6, sexual variant. If you find your polygamous relationships to be satisfying, I'm quite glad to hear that.

If you'd like my derail removed, WQ, I can ask a moderator.
 

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As an SJ I can't picture myself being in love with more than one person. When I am in love...I don't even notice those of the opposite sex in any kind of romantic or intimate way. One time I had a "crush" on someone but that's because I felt my love wasn't fully giving his heart to me and I was seeking attention for my own insecure reasons. The second he really showed his love for me...that "crush" was dissolved.
 

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MOTM July 2010
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If you'd like my derail removed, WQ, I can ask a moderator.
Yes, you're derailing my thread. But since I like you, I won't complain. I will only pinch you.

*e-pinch Femme*

There! :tongue:
 
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As an ISFJ I'm a fan of monogamy, but I can certainly understand that each person needs to explore things to define their personal values.

I actually had this interesting experience with an ENFP that I dated. We went to her hometown for a week and spent time around this friend of hers that was pretty open with her sexuality. One of the nights after we had left her friend's place, she asked me would I ever consider a threesome. That was a jaw-dropper for me! I had never considered an option, but I could tell she was serious about the question. It didn't cause me to question her dedication to me for a second, but I realized from that experience that everyone has their own way of exploring love and sexuality.

As a dutiful ISFJ I haven't had to do a lot of exploring to know that I just want one girl to smother with my love (sarcasm.... I know we ISFJs can be smothering, but I've learned I gots to give a lover their space too), but I can appreciate that others have a different process. Different approaches may prevent a successful relationship, but that's life. Some people just can't be empathetic enough to reconcile themselves with each other. Oh well, they'll move and find someone that can put up with them (or not, maybe they'll die alone. I don't know).
 

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hmm my thoughts.

Well the guy seems normal to me with conflicted feelings.

I think your female friend is experiencing something totally different from love though. I think she is enjoying being courted, and is getting a high off of many people being attracted to her. I can understand this who doesn't like to be wanted. The fact that she hasn't picked one over the many could be for a few reasons.
  • She hasn't found one she truly cares about, not reallly acceptable to her on some level.
  • She's young and doesn't want to make any real commitment, possibly thinking there is someone better down the road. (kinda shallow but hey.)
  • She's materialistic and enjoys going out alot on these guys dimes. (Pretty sad)
  • She could be in love with romance, or drama.
I imagine she's pretty hot and young, well that only last so long. I knew a girl who was hot, but was like this. She ended up marrying someone who didn't take her seriously while they were dating, and this made her really want him (I think). I think they turned out all right, lol but he was better looking than her. My disclaimer is that I'm a guy and could be wrong, lol.
 

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Oops, I didn't even answer your question.
Now as a guy I can find several women attractive, and possibly want to date them all. However, I would find it unnacceptable to lead a women on, if I cared for a different woman.

The ex thing is different. This is someone you have spent time developing emotions for. Reminds me of an old George Strait song, "A Fire I Can't Put Out" If I started dating someone quickly after being dumped I could easily feel the way your friend does.
 

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can I be romantically in love with more than one person at a time? I cant even have a crush on more than one person at a time! The guy I have a crush on is in another relationship, but I still heve feelings for him...I'm just not going to do anything about it. Breaking up a relationship, in my opinion, is wrong. one should not do it. I will just have to content myself with being his friend..plus. I've met his GF before and she is really nice, just thinking about them breaking up makes me feel ashamed.

can I love a person who is in love with me and another person...NO. I can only love that one person at a time. If they love two people at a time, thats almost like cheating in my book. They need to make up their mind.

And to the original poster of this thread...dont worry about your English skills. I understood you just fine. I couldn't even tell that English was not your first language.:happy:
 

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OOh polyamorous relationships is what your friend desires I think I could never do that. I have fallen in love like maybe four times? Not all at the same time though. However I'm sure if one of my exs called me today and told me that his "feelings" never left. I would be confused, and have doubts about my current relationship. But I could never maintain two relationships at once. It would be unbalanced, and very, very, VERY draining.

I have never dated two people at once, and I never will. Somebody ALWAYS gets hurt.
 

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I don't think I have ever been in love with multiple people at one time. I have definitely been interested in multiple people at once, but I would always be leaning strongly towards one. My mindset is for monogamy so I don't think I could ever let myself love more than one person at once.... And if there was someone I was interested in who I knew I couldn't have, I might admire from afar, but I would never let myself get too involved and I would move on. If they were already with someone then they weren't meant for me..
 
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