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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm just beginning on my journey to learn more about my INFJ nature, but there's a roadblock that I've come up against that I'd love some input on.

Boundary setting. It's always been a problem and it's one that...in all areas of my life right now, has become THE sort of make or break lesson. It's what most of my learning experiences are revolving around right now and something that I very much want to learn how to get better at doing.

The problem that I'm running into is that boundary setting often requires a quick, in the moment, kind of response. Half the time, I don't even know how I feel about something that has happened until after I've had time to analyze and process it.

So, my questions are - have you gotten better at in the moment boundary setting - somehow gotten around your more methodical (slower) processing time in order to do this? How?

Thanks!
 

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I'm just beginning on my journey to learn more about my INFJ nature, but there's a roadblock that I've come up against that I'd love some input on.

Boundary setting. It's always been a problem and it's one that...in all areas of my life right now, has become THE sort of make or break lesson. It's what most of my learning experiences are revolving around right now and something that I very much want to learn how to get better at doing.

The problem that I'm running into is that boundary setting often requires a quick, in the moment, kind of response. Half the time, I don't even know how I feel about something that has happened until after I've had time to analyze and process it.

So, my questions are - have you gotten better at in the moment boundary setting - somehow gotten around your more methodical (slower) processing time in order to do this? How?

Thanks!
How would you define boundary setting? Can you give us a real-life example?
 

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Boundaries and assertiveness are not simply now, now, now orientated even the ability to say 'I am not sure let me get back to you in 30 minutes' is boundary setting plus the ability to be unashamedly honest telling people you are not sure or seek more clarification... after all how else is one supposed to decide what is right or wrong for them without the facts or time to simply say 'no' let alone renegotiating better outcomes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I guess what I'm talking about is the in the moment application of a boundary.

So, scenario...I go to the chiropractor the other day. As the guy is coming in, he gets a splinter in his finger. As he's pulling it out, he starts telling me this story about him as a little kid and this really awful, gnarly splinter that he got. He got really graphic, and I'm like...Oh, no...that's enough, thank you. Like, shaking my head, put my hands up...but he's not paying attention to me, he's getting into his story. I've decided that being forced to listen to really graphic descriptions of injuries, or really tragic news stories is just too much for me, but it's really hard for me to get people to stop talking about them once they've started.

So, several times I was just like...No, no really, that's enough. I think I would have had to like, yell at this guy to Stop Talking in order to get him to shut up. Which, I could have done but that didn't occur to me until I'd already just gritted my teeth and endured the entire encounter - later, when I was thinking about it, I could see other avenues...I could have left. I mean...the guy went so far as to draw me a little picture of said splinter on his sticky notes. At that point, all I could do was sit there and laugh about the ridiculousness of him, and the situation. I just kind of wish that I'd had the quick thinking to really stand up for myself there and be like, this is Not Ok, instead of just giving in. I see what happened, I was seeing it as it happened, I'm just really not sure how to apply that in future similar situations.

I don't know why people always want to share these really disturbing things with me. I'm a very visual person, on top of being really emotionally sensitive to them. :p
 

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I guess what I'm talking about is the in the moment application of a boundary.

So, scenario...I go to the chiropractor the other day. As the guy is coming in, he gets a splinter in his finger. As he's pulling it out, he starts telling me this story about him as a little kid and this really awful, gnarly splinter that he got. He got really graphic, and I'm like...Oh, no...that's enough, thank you. Like, shaking my head, put my hands up...but he's not paying attention to me, he's getting into his story. I've decided that being forced to listen to really graphic descriptions of injuries, or really tragic news stories is just too much for me, but it's really hard for me to get people to stop talking about them once they've started.

So, several times I was just like...No, no really, that's enough. I think I would have had to like, yell at this guy to Stop Talking in order to get him to shut up. Which, I could have done but that didn't occur to me until I'd already just gritted my teeth and endured the entire encounter - later, when I was thinking about it, I could see other avenues...I could have left. I mean...the guy went so far as to draw me a little picture of said splinter on his sticky notes. At that point, all I could do was sit there and laugh about the ridiculousness of him, and the situation. I just kind of wish that I'd had the quick thinking to really stand up for myself there and be like, this is Not Ok, instead of just giving in. I see what happened, I was seeing it as it happened, I'm just really not sure how to apply that in future similar situations.

I don't know why people always want to share these really disturbing things with me. I'm a very visual person, on top of being really emotionally sensitive to them. :p
My co-worker pointed out that when I feel threatened by my manager I eventually start mumble and proceed to walk away. When my manager puts me on the spot, even when I know they are wrong, I can't get her to stop in the moment. I walk away and talk to her in private when it is more appropriate.

I choice to remove myself from the situation. Most people respect my space in these situations.
 

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Perhaps you can make a small joke and comment like "omg that's really too much to imagine!" or some other friendly comment to hint that it's disturbing, and then maybe change the subject or say that you need to go.

Usually with people I'm comfortable enough I'd tell them straightly, but when it comes to others I do try to indirectly hint them or walk away.
 
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I'm just beginning on my journey to learn more about my INFJ nature, but there's a roadblock that I've come up against that I'd love some input on.

Boundary setting. It's always been a problem and it's one that...in all areas of my life right now, has become THE sort of make or break lesson. It's what most of my learning experiences are revolving around right now and something that I very much want to learn how to get better at doing.

The problem that I'm running into is that boundary setting often requires a quick, in the moment, kind of response. Half the time, I don't even know how I feel about something that has happened until after I've had time to analyze and process it.

So, my questions are - have you gotten better at in the moment boundary setting - somehow gotten around your more methodical (slower) processing time in order to do this? How?

Thanks!
Some people just don’t respect other people’s space, this doesn’t mean that you need a readymade reaction to everyone who may or may not fit in this specific group of insensitive people. Imagine that the person in question really had a good story to share with you. Then you would miss an interesting happening because of the boundaries.

I think that sometimes we (INFJ’s?) get into other people’s shoes with such an ease that we forget to get back in our own shoes – meaning: setting boundaries implies that someone else can bother you and you need something against that, and if you are going to create specific reaction to everyone who can bother you, you will probably end up being trapped inside your own boundaries; on the other hand, if you try to find you own balance and carry it around in every situation, you probably won’t need boundaries and you will start being yourself in every situation instead of being a reaction to other people… hum… (this means that I haven’t found the answer to the boundaries question yet, but lately, I noticed that if I try to look for my balance while I’m being disturbed, I don’t feel so drained afterwards)
 

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From my experience on a (mental) Help Line, a high percentage of volunteers have issues with boundary setting. In other words, someone is calling in distressed or sharing something with you, but even the guys trained to handle them are having issues. So, I wouldn't say you're in the minority of people having issues with boundary setting.

Truthfully, it's tough to get a handle on things especially when you view the conversation as "personal" in nature. A few attempts at changing the conversation rarely works and it feels like anything more will simply offend them. Most people zip their lips and endure...

So how do you get better at boundary setting? Repetition and experience is clearly one, but aside from that I think you need to find the right switch in your brain that conceptualizes what it represents when they share things with you. For me it's talking with you vs talking at you. Most people that just ramble and mostly ignore you are talking at you. For all you know, you could be a popup Justin Bieber cardboard cut-out and they'd keep talking. You're nothing special, or at least to this person and there isn't particularly much you can do to "help" them.

^To me this allows me to either re-take control of the conversation, change topics, or anything similar in nature that I may interpret as dickish. One great thing with ramblers is to disrupt the flow of their story and say something like "hey, I wanted to ask you something." Make it drawn out and include pauses. Similar phrases "hold on a minute," "I need to stop you for a second," etc. If you want to take it further say "I don't mean to be rude, but..." Next part of all this depends on the situation.

All in all, remember that many people get a "high" off talking and you either need to throw a stick for them to fetch in another direction or somehow disturb that flow of mental stimulation (slowwwwww downnnn the conversation).
 
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From my experience on a (mental) Help Line, a high percentage of volunteers have issues with boundary setting. In other words, someone is calling in distressed or sharing something with you, but even the guys trained to handle them are having issues. So, I wouldn't say you're in the minority of people having issues with boundary setting.

Truthfully, it's tough to get a handle on things especially when you view the conversation as "personal" in nature. A few attempts at changing the conversation rarely works and it feels like anything more will simply offend them. Most people zip their lips and endure...

So how do you get better at boundary setting? Repetition and experience is clearly one, but aside from that I think you need to find the right switch in your brain that conceptualizes what it represents when they share things with you. For me it's talking with you vs talking at you. Most people that just ramble and mostly ignore you are talking at you. For all you know, you could be a popup Justin Bieber cardboard cut-out and they'd keep talking. You're nothing special, or at least to this person and there isn't particularly much you can do to "help" them.

^To me this allows me to either re-take control of the conversation, change topics, or anything similar in nature that I may interpret as dickish. One great thing with ramblers is to disrupt the flow of their story and say something like "hey, I wanted to ask you something." Make it drawn out and include pauses. Similar phrases "hold on a minute," "I need to stop you for a second," etc. If you want to take it further say "I don't mean to be rude, but..." Next part of all this depends on the situation.

All in all, remember that many people get a "high" off talking and you either need to throw a stick for them to fetch in another direction or somehow disturb that flow of mental stimulation (slowwwwww downnnn the conversation).
This.
Any suggestions for slowing down the coversation while talking to individuals in power?
 

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I'm afraid in a lot of cases establishing boundaries while yours are being violated will result in you violating their boundaries. At this point the people who are more skilled at being unconscious assholes will backpedal, dump the blame on you, and accuse you of overreacting.

The secret is in drawing the boundary like a brick wall that doesn't, however, push back at the violator. It just stops them. If they try to push, they gain no traction, but they get no energy back.

Unfortunately, this is an art in itself. In many cases they will try to push, and they will run into resistance they can work with, so they'll backpedal suddenly again and make you the "aggressor".

In short, many people are unconscious IRL trolls.
 

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As a fellow NFJ I absolutely understand what you're talking about, and while it's difficult with people I am not close with, with those that I do have established relationships with, I try and tell them something along the lines of, "You know, I absolutely care about what you have to tell me, and I want to hear it, but I'm just not in the right mindset right now to take it in. I'll let you know when I'm up for a conversation, and I'm sorry if you really need to speak with someone right now, but it wouldn't be fair to me, and it wouldn't be fair to you because I won't be able to hear you to my fullest." Or if you do not want to hear it at all, "I absolutely care for you, you are my friend, and just straight up, I'm not comfortable hearing this, and I'm sorry if you need to talk to someone right now, but I care for you, and it cannot be me."

Or something along those lines, establishing you do not value/care for them any less, but you just can't.

However this does not happen all the time, and usually I extend myself more than I should. But it's a practice and it takes time to learn. At least you're not the only one that is growing in this area :)

As for strangers, I usually grin and bear it, and I don't like that I do that, but I do. It's tough to flat out say no when someone wants to talk at you, especially when they're completely oblivious to the fact that you do not want to hear their shtick.
 
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Oh, I've had that kind of thing happen before except it went on for an hour of TMI stories. One after the other. This is where I go into the secret place inside of my head where everything is butterflies and rainbows and I can't hear anything :p Unfortunately, that doesn't happen to me though and I choose to bear it because I care too darn much about hurting others' feelings. It wouldn't feel worth it to get upset about it if it was a stranger. I suppose I could just smile and make an excuse to leave as others have said. Oh well, at least you got a good laugh out of the deal ;) I'm more direct with people who know me. I think the fake excuse is your best bet if you're looking for a way out. Say you have to go to the bathroom to throw up and then make your exit. A person like that would probably just find it funny anyway.
 

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I know This is a very old post but I don't think anyone has gotten to the core of the question and that is your slow processing problem. I suffer from severe slow processing and have had to develop ways to deal with situations like you have referred to. What I do is whenever I'm faced with something new like you described afterwards I analyse what happened then I go through all the options I could have taken then select the one that suits me values system so I have a ready response next time something like this happens I don't have to rely on processing I have a plan and I just do what I had previously had decided was the right way to deal with it.
 

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after all how else is one supposed to decide what is right or wrong for them without the facts or time to simply say 'no' let alone renegotiating better outcomes.
Fuck, if only more people you meet in daily life understood that sentiment, they wouldn't crash head-long into a concrete barrier...:dry::laughing:
 
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