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Discussion Starter #1
posted this on istj board (boyfriend is istj). am i making this too big a deal? should i just forget about it?
i have trusted my istj boyfriend from the start, and he never made me feel that i shouldn't. he is very loyal and faithful and committed to our relationship and absolutely in love with me that i would never question it. and when i say that i mean it- i completely believe his love for me. he puts me on a pedastal, adores me, does everything he can so as not to lose me and would never do anything to put our relationship in jeopardy or to risk losing me. everyone who knows him has never seen him in love like this, they are always telling me how much they can tell he is head over heels in love with me and i agree- he makes me feel that way.

everything would be fine except that 2 months ago i saw something that hurt me and have been keeping it in. i am not sure if i should let it bother me the way it does or if i should let it go. i have not been able to let it go yet.

my istj trusts me and he has told me all the passwords to his accounts etc. I don't ever use them, i believe in trust and i don't care to be a snoop. one day though i needed to use his ipad and i logged in by using the password he had given me. his facebook page had been left open on the screen. he rarely uses his facebook, never goes on there. i could have just exited but just out of habit i clicked on the message icon. not expecting to find anything it was more just a reflex. there was a message he had just sent a few days prior. one night he had gotten extremely drunk. i was at home that night, it was a weekday night and he had had a lot of work, and went for drink afterwards with friends. got absolutely obliterated drunk. sent me some crude sexual texts. i knew he was drunk b/c they were very crude and he deosn't talk like that unless he is that drunk. apparently that same night he had sent a facebook message to a mutual friend of ours. it was a message telling her that she is hot.

when i saw it i felt so hurt and betrayed. i called her and she said she had not responded (she hadn't) and that she had seen him that night and knew he was "wasted" and had not taken it seriously and felt it was best not to say anything as it was a one time thing under that kind of circumstance. she told me he had talked to her the next day apologizing profusely and was sincerely embarrassed about the whole thing. i trust her she is a good friend. but i am disturbed that he did that. i decided not to say anything about it and let it go but it is still there, in the back of my mind and i have to admit that i trust him less now. and i contemplate checking his accounts again.

what should i do?i want very much to confront him but if i say something i have to admit that i snooped. i feel ashamed that i did that. but i haven't been able to forget that he did that. am i making it a bigger deal than it is? he and i are so faithful and loyal to each other, and we expect it from each other. i feel hurt that he sent her that. what was he trying to do? should i just let it go?
 

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Discussion Starter #2
why would a guy who is happy with his girlfriend do that? was it just innocent? i have never been cheated on but it is one of my deep fears. is this a red flag?
 

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PerC's 6w6
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From what you're saying I gather that all he said was "you're hot" to your mutual friend, whilst drunk. And soon afterwards he apologized to her.

From what you say of him and how he behaves he treats you like you're his world. Because of that i personally don't think it's as big of an issue - something that you need to take seriously. Why? Because (and I'll be blunt here) most men do admire other women - its hard not to do so. Even though he thinks she's hot, he's chosen to be with you and everything else you have said says that he is doing everything he can to be a good boyfriend to you.

What would you have done if he had said to he face while you were standing next to him: "you're pretty" or "you're hot"? Would it hurt as much? and what if you were watching a movie and someone like Angelina Jolie or some supermodel came on and he said that she's hot? Would you feel the same way? actions speak louder than words and he didn't DO anything with her (from what you're saying) so the way I see it is he was drunk and feeling less inhibited he said something he wouldn't otherwise have said, and once done he apologized for it. I think he's already learnt his lesson.

If you do feel you need to confront him, do so, but explain why you needed to use his iPad and how things transpired and how it all made you feel and then (and this is the important bit) allow him to explain himself and his actions. Don't jump his throat and accuse him of anything - let him tell you his side of the story. Doing that will show you trust him and will let the two of you work it out in a calm and peaceful manner.

I suspect that he didn't say anything to you because he was afraid and didn't want to screw up and while it looks to have been a mistake (considering its making you upset and hurting you) I don't see it as having malicious intent - again all it was was "you're hot", and not "you're hotter than my girlfriend and I want to be with you instead so i can screw your brains out". And he apologized after as well.

To answer your second question, I have never been drunk and so I can only go by what others have said but I understand it to make it easier to say/do things because you're socially not as inhibited and lose that "tact" that you'd otherwise have (hence the crude texts). That is why he'd do that, at least to me - he didn't have the reservation that he normally does. You haven't been cheated on - not in this instance.

Best of luck :).
 

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Discussion Starter #4
yes you are right, it's really not what he said its more that he went on his facebook (which he rarely goes on facebook to begin with) and sent that to her, being sneaky as it was a private message, and seriously what was the point of doing that? an what if she had responded? would he have engaged further in some sexual mesages? and its a friend of both of ours. someone we hang out with every week. it makes me feel betrayed. i don't mind him thinking she is hot but why send a message privately saying that? it feels deceitful.
 

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I am compelled to tell you that I have very little experience in this realm so you are likely better off waiting until someone with a more respectable opinion appears. But for my £0.02, I ought to say that if a person is drunk enough to speak to you in a vulgar way he would never otherwise do then he is more than capable of saying things to other people that he never would, either. In fact I just don't understand drunk people, full stop. Some seem to have a personality transplant and I find the fact that this passes for normal in our society frightening. In any case, I don't think he would have given you all of his passwords if he didn't trust you completely - I'm not even sure I would do that. Whether he meant what he said only while drunk or whether he he really feels that way is another issue, but we cannot control who we are attracted to, only whether we act upon it. Notice that he didn't say that he thought anything about her other than that she 'was hot', nor did he ever say you weren't (quite the opposite, given the texts). However reading between the lines I don't think it would be prudent to have blind faith either. If I were in your position I would find some way to 'test the waters' without alluding to the fact you checked his account (as that too is a potential betrayal of trust). How you might go about this is another matter entirely... I'm afraid I have no suggestions. If you don't want to get embroiled in a mess and you feel he is mature enough to handle this, then telling him directly might also be a potential course of action. Explain your feelings, and allow him to express his side. Don't push too hard otherwise he might close up - I'm guessing it's something he's not particularly proud of.
 

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Although I understand how a remark like that can be hurtful, it doesn't seem to me like it's a threat to your relationship. An isolated incident like that doesn't represent a bad person or a bad relationship. It represents bad judgment in that moment. It was a lewd remark that slipped out of his tongue during a lapse of judgment, for which he promptly apologized. From his track record it sounds like you really do mean the world to him, and he probably won't make that mistake again.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
thanks krentz. i know how he feels about me, i am not worried about that at all. he has from the start been very expressive of how "hot" he thinks i am and our attraction is intense, he says i am the most beautiful girl he;s ever been with, that i am too hot for him and he doesn't know why i am with him, etc etc. there is nothing lacking. so all the more- it is more so that i am disturbed that he went behind my back to send a message that might have led to something more and now i can't trust him the way i did before. what if the girl had not been a friend and had responded? would he have gone further???
 

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MOTM Nov 2010
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Don't confront. I broke up with a guy just on the basis that he snooped.

I'd be more creative, instead I would corner him into admitting he thought our common friend was hot. Then have a convo from there.

I never need to snoop because my intuition is pretty huge. And sometimes I get information regarding my daughter. I can't kill the source so I can't tell her how I knew something, but with skill I can get her to admit something.

Instead of trying to ask if something is morally right or wrong by some objective standard, just try to figure if you like this behavior. If you're okay with it, then you don't even have to bring it up. If you are not okay with it and it sends you red flags and you see potential for future hurt, then move on. Or discuss something.

I don't think you are going to get the answer you seek by going to him. Either justify his behavior in your mind (don't idealize him stay more open than that) or don't justify his behavior. All he is going to tell you is that he was drunk and you shouldn't be snooping. You already know that. It really is up to you what you want to do from here.
 

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PerC's 6w6
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yes you are right, it's really not what he said its more that he went on his facebook (which he rarely goes on facebook to begin with) and sent that to her, being sneaky as it was a private message, and seriously what was the point of doing that? an what if she had responded? would he have engaged further in some sexual mesages? and its a friend of both of ours. someone we hang out with every week. it makes me feel betrayed. i don't mind him thinking she is hot but why send a message privately saying that? it feels deceitful.
Yeah I do see what you mean re the deceit. I don't know, to be honest. I mean, I still don't see this as having been maliciously motivated but like you say it does sound deceitful and sneaky...

I mean posting it on her wall, would have had the same effect of getting the message across so maybe he could have done that but maybe realized it'd be a bit much to do so opted for more subtlety? I don't know.

But then one could also say that if he'd texted her it could be construed as "private". I think the easiest way to figure out if he'd have done more would be to simply confront him. Has he gotten as drunk and sent you crude texts before?
 

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since he called the girl the next day and was super embarrassed about what had happened, i really don't think that you have anything to be concerned about (as far as how devoted he is to you and to your relationship). if you have trouble accepting that your relationship is safe and that he is devoted to you, i think the important question is "why?". are you afraid that he'll get really drunk again and do something else (maybe worse)? do you feel uncomfortable or threatened by the thought that he finds anyone other than you attractive? do you wish that he'd told you what he'd done, despite being embarrassed?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
@snowbell a friend of ours has a drinking problem and basically any time my boyfriend goes out with that friend i know be is going to come back drunk b/c that friend goads the guys into drinking a lot with him. my boyfriend doesn;t hang out with this friend that often anymore, and has especially stopped hanging out with him this past month so i think he is aware of that he gets like that when he goes out with him and is finding other ways to spend his time.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
are you afraid that he'll get really drunk again and do something else (maybe worse)?do you wish that he'd told you what he'd done, despite being embarrassed?
yes. i trust him completely when he is sober. but not when he is drunk. and while i understand why he didn't tell me, it still hurt finding out that way.
 

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PerC's 6w6
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@snowbell a friend of ours has a drinking problem and basically any time my boyfriend goes out with that friend i know be is going to come back drunk b/c that friend goads the guys into drinking a lot with him. my boyfriend doesn;t hang out with this friend that often anymore, and has especially stopped hanging out with him this past month so i think he is aware of that he gets like that when he goes out with him and is finding other ways to spend his time.
Sounds like a bad influence.

Was he with this friend when he sent the message to her and the texts to you?

And was it because of you intervening that he started reducing the time spent with this person?
 

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yes. i trust him completely when he is sober. but not when he is drunk. and while i understand why he didn't tell me, it still hurt finding out that way.
maybe it would help to express to him just how nervous it makes you when he gets really drunk. are there other examples that you could use that wouldn't require mentioning the facebook incident?

also, is there any chance that mutual friend might mention to him that you called? i think that if i were in your boyfriend's shoes, i would probably be more upset that you went to the girl than that you snooped in the first place. if someone that i loved saw something and was bothered, i would be hurt that they didn't come to me with their concerns first. i totally get the need to want to know what happened, though, and to not want to rock the boat by telling your boyfriend what you saw.

i hope that it turns out the best possible for you. i've been in the 'know something i maybe shouldn't/ bothered by it' conundrum, and it is no fun!
 

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Right now, at this moment. I give your relationship a 50%/50% chance of making it another 3 years.

So you found out he sent a flirty text to a mutual friend. Either you trust him or don't, is not his issue, it's your issue. Whether he told you about the texting incident speaks to the level of your communication in the relationship. He didn't tell you because he didn't feel comfortable in telling you. Basically, he doesn't trust that you could handle it or that you would take it well.

You don't trust him to take it well to speak to him about this text you found and how it's bothering you. So basically, you're relationship will be built on avoiding conflict at all costs. You don't trust that you can tell the other person anything. That never bodes well.

Yes, you speaking to him will hurt him because you snooped. And yes, you will have a fight about this. If your relationship can't survive this fight, it's not going to survive when you actually run into real life issues.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
@snowbell yes he had been drinking with that friend that night. i am not sure of what time the message was sent- if he was still out with him or if he had gone home at that point- i think they were all out together still.
i have made comments about that guy's alcohol intake and so have other friends and my boyfriend has definitely paid attention. he has himself made comments about how that friend doesn't have his life together anymore. i have not intervened besides making comments like that to seed the idea. i have not outright asked or demanded anything regarding the time he spend with that friend. but i was getting to that point, in fact the last time he got very drunk with that friend i just didn't come over that night like i said i would. he took note trust me. he was texting and calling me like crazy that night begging me to come over, that he can't sleep without me, that he was scared i was mad, repeating how much he loved me and kept asking me to please love him to please not leave him. the next day when i came over i told him i would not be coming over if he is that drunk and he spent that whole day deep in thought, very depressed about the fact that he had drank so much. he has not gotten drunnk since, he has not gone out drinking with that friend since. he still hangs out the friend, but when that friend tries to make it into a drinking night my boyfriend ends the night early.
 

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@infpblog yes, very right. i am an EXTREMELY faithful, loyal, committed person. when i am in a relationship no other man exists to me, they are just people, even if i find one attractive i think nothing of it beyond a second's recognition that someone is aesthetically appealing- they might as well be a piece of art or some other inanimate object b/c i have just as little interest. i don't need attention from other men, i don't lead other men on, i don't flirt (i am naturally nice and friendly so my friendliness has been interpreted as flirtatiousness by men at times, but i make it clear i have a boyfriend if they try to make it something more than just a friendly conversation). i would never send a flirty message like that, especially to a mutual friend. in fact, the thought alone disgusts me. yes, he knows this about me and that i expect this back, and he knows i would have been comepletely offended or worried or analyzed it if he told me. and he will do ANYTHING to avoid losing me. he is fearful of losing me, worries about it every day. i have done as much as i can to ease his fears but he knows what upsets me, and is always scared that i might leave. he has anxiety and worries excessively. thing is, he is an EXTREMELY faithful, loyal person too just as much as me, if not more. so that is why i was very surprised to read that message.
 

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yes, he knows this about me and know i would have been comepletely offended or worried or analyzed it if he told me. and he will do ANYTHING to avoid losing me. he is fearful of losing me, worries about it every day. i have done as much as i can to ease his fears but he knows what upsets me, and is always scared that i might leave. he has anxiety and worries excessively.
Being always scared that you might leave is a bad thing. Having to be on your best behavior all the time isn't fun and it will kill a relationship. If he's worried that he's going upset you and can't trust you'll get over it eventually, is his problem. He should have told you, had the fight and both of you should at the point where you trying to be better after this incident.

You haven't talked to him about something that clearly bothers you, shows that you don't trust that your relationship will survive a fight. Conflict averse relationships don't survive the first major fight because both parties have learn none of the skills it takes to create a better relationship after a fight. You get those skills by having small fights, fights that get to close to mutually defined boundaries. The small fights teaches you the skills to work through the big ones. You don't trust him like you did before, that's going to come out in your subconscious behavior and he'll feel like he's on the defensive. He'll won't put up with that forever. Just because he's afraid of losing you now doesn't mean that he won't get over it, develop the self-confidence to realize that his life and happiness doesn't necessarily revolve around you. What will you do when he does?

It's time you talk to him about this before your trust issues get any worse.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
@infpblog that's not true, we have had i think 4 or 5 fights in the year we have been together. i have been the one to start all of them and i am always so relieved afterwards because i feel we get so much accomplished by talking about everything, even if it gets a little heated we are always closer afterwards.
 

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@infpblog wow i wait for that day, i do everything i can to increase his confidence!!! i have done everything i can to make it clear to him that i am not leaving that i am in it for the long run, i want him to stop being afraid of me leaving. it offends me that he still has that fear. i have been nothing but loyal, sincere, open, and dedicated and dependable. he has severe anxiety and i have been there to support him, patient and understanding. the only thing i have not confronted him about is this situation. i think b/c i am ashamed that i snooped, and i am embarrassed that he did that. it hurts my pride.
 
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