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So basically long story short I have dated an ESFJ girl for a couple of months now. So far so good, everything seems alright, like each other a lot, and even though can't see each other that often basically either text or call every single day (even throughout every single day sometimes). Even though I know that usually its dependent on the people rather than just the personality types that determine the outcomes of a relationship I can't help but be a little intimidated by the kind of relationship 'predictions', if you will, that I have seen. So making this thread now to ask about personal experiences in a Benefactor/Beneficiary relationship, and about ways of going around the great big obstacles that are said to be there.

What I basically see as the pro's and con's of this relationship:

Pros:
-Both have a dominant feeling function and so likely to understand each other
-Both have Ne, albeit the ENFP having a MUCH stronger extroverted intuition function
-Both are outgoing and talkative, so communication usually is not an error
-ESFJ's are able to keep ENFP's in the present somewhat more than they normally would
-ENFP's give a lot of compliments which apparently the ESFJ's like

Cons:
-ENFP's sometimes are annoyed at ESFJ's controlling nature, which they consider as simple caring affection
-ESFJ's don't really understand ENFP's desire to see possibilities in everything
-ESFJ's tend to see ENFP's as inferiors when it comes to lifestyles (which basically then goes to why they are so controlling)

I think these are the basic ones. In this relationship I basically have felt all these, (probs more just can't think of them atm >.<) and obviously tried minimizing the cons as much as possible. I can limit my talking to just the present day and not too far into the future, helped by the fact my intuition function isn't all that dominant in the first place. But the thing still remains of the controlling thing. To be honest controlling seems a little too harsh a word. I think it's more like the ESFJ's see their lifestyles and viewpoints as superior to that of the ENFP and so tries imposing it on them, and if the ENFP refuses the ESFJ's would end up feeling offended and hurt because of some reason (someone clarify this please... know why but can't really put it into words :p). Like for instances there's stuff in our relationship that popped up such as her seeing me not caring for myself enough, too careless, and gets me to do things, and when I refuse to do so, she gets really annoyed (for a bit).

So another question is, how do we avoid this? The problem is most of the time when I don't want to do something it's not because of an actual reason that I can put into words. It's probably just our intuition part conflicting with the sensing part? Not too sure on this... And for me, just succumbing to the control every single time seems bad as well, because it just gets more and more frustrating, as well as if I totally relinquish control she would probably be even more controlling. I can't really tell her that her lifestyle isn't the best and she should stop forcing it on me because that's just like totally insensitive, and the caring makes up a big factor of an ESFJ in a relationship so if I criticize that, then... In my opinion, although this doesn't seem too much of a problem initially this probably would be the biggest reason for disagreements and both sides getting hurt and the possibility of bad breakups

Lol try to get all the questions sorted again:

-What are general views of an ESFJ and ENFP relationship?

-Any personal experiences?

-How to avoid the big controlling benefactor/beneficiary thing?

-And correct any mistakes that I have made
 

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The biggest advice I can give: you both need to learn what makes each other feel appreciated, valued, and loved. You also need to learn how the other person expresses their appreciation and love. For an ENFP, it's usually through words or actions that carry sentiment. ESFJ's may appreciate these things to an extent, but they are more concerned with practical needs. The best way to show an ESFJ that you care is to do something for them. My mom and her boyfriend are both ESFJ's. They are always doing practical things for each other. For example, last week he came over and helped her fix a problem with her furnace and thermostat.

I'm always amazed and appalled by how unromantic my mom and her boyfriend are. Hell, I feel more emotionally connected to people I've just met than they seem to be with each other. It's like watching two birds building a nest: it's strictly business. I've talked to my mom about what love is like for me. She said, "I know that's how I'm supposed to feel, but I just don't feel that way." I told her, "No, that's not how you're supposed to feel. Just be yourself."
 

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-And correct any mistakes that I have made
I have only limited experience with ESFJs and ENFPs, so I can't help you with your other questions... However, I can tell you that ENFPs do not have a dominant feeling function. Their dominant function is extraverted intuition.

ENFP: Ne > Fi > Te > Si
 
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I think ENFP/ESFJ can do okay....as long as the Fi of the ENFP does not conflict too heavily with the Fe of the ESFJ. They both share Ne and I think ESFJ might be intrigued by ENFP's Ne (and actually possibly Te since ESFJs have thinking in the inferior), but any of these strong Fe/Fi conflicts might be playing Russian Roulette. Fe-doms live by a pretty strong code of how they expect to be treated and how they expect their significant others to act, and the ENFP might try the patience of the ESFJ from time to time, if there's any weak spot in the relationship it will likely be here.

The other thing is the strong Si of ESFJ might occasionally get on ENFP's nerves (because Si is a weak spot for the ENFP). You have two types that when stressed can become bossy and dogmatic in contradictory ways (and ESFJ might begin to see the ENFP's Ne as undisciplined and childish), but of course every relationship is different and every individual is different, these are generalizations.
 

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So basically long story short I have dated an ESFJ girl for a couple of months now. So far so good, everything seems alright, like each other a lot, and even though can't see each other that often basically either text or call every single day (even throughout every single day sometimes). Even though I know that usually its dependent on the people rather than just the personality types that determine the outcomes of a relationship I can't help but be a little intimidated by the kind of relationship 'predictions', if you will, that I have seen. So making this thread now to ask about personal experiences in a Benefactor/Beneficiary relationship, and about ways of going around the great big obstacles that are said to be there.

What I basically see as the pro's and con's of this relationship:

Pros:
-Both have a dominant feeling function and so likely to understand each other
-Both have Ne, albeit the ENFP having a MUCH stronger extroverted intuition function
-Both are outgoing and talkative, so communication usually is not an error
-ESFJ's are able to keep ENFP's in the present somewhat more than they normally would
-ENFP's give a lot of compliments which apparently the ESFJ's like

Cons:
-ENFP's sometimes are annoyed at ESFJ's controlling nature, which they consider as simple caring affection
-ESFJ's don't really understand ENFP's desire to see possibilities in everything
-ESFJ's tend to see ENFP's as inferiors when it comes to lifestyles (which basically then goes to why they are so controlling)

I think these are the basic ones. In this relationship I basically have felt all these, (probs more just can't think of them atm >.<) and obviously tried minimizing the cons as much as possible. I can limit my talking to just the present day and not too far into the future, helped by the fact my intuition function isn't all that dominant in the first place. But the thing still remains of the controlling thing. To be honest controlling seems a little too harsh a word. I think it's more like the ESFJ's see their lifestyles and viewpoints as superior to that of the ENFP and so tries imposing it on them, and if the ENFP refuses the ESFJ's would end up feeling offended and hurt because of some reason (someone clarify this please... know why but can't really put it into words :p). Like for instances there's stuff in our relationship that popped up such as her seeing me not caring for myself enough, too careless, and gets me to do things, and when I refuse to do so, she gets really annoyed (for a bit).

So another question is, how do we avoid this? The problem is most of the time when I don't want to do something it's not because of an actual reason that I can put into words. It's probably just our intuition part conflicting with the sensing part? Not too sure on this... And for me, just succumbing to the control every single time seems bad as well, because it just gets more and more frustrating, as well as if I totally relinquish control she would probably be even more controlling. I can't really tell her that her lifestyle isn't the best and she should stop forcing it on me because that's just like totally insensitive, and the caring makes up a big factor of an ESFJ in a relationship so if I criticize that, then... In my opinion, although this doesn't seem too much of a problem initially this probably would be the biggest reason for disagreements and both sides getting hurt and the possibility of bad breakups

Lol try to get all the questions sorted again:

-What are general views of an ESFJ and ENFP relationship?

-Any personal experiences?

-How to avoid the big controlling benefactor/beneficiary thing?

-And correct any mistakes that I have made
This thread went dormant- wondering if it's still relevant.

In my experience with an ESFJ partner- "controlling" is used loosely in threads I feel. Mine took control but was not "controlling" or at least I never felt smothered by his sense of control. I usually agreed with the majority of what he was trying to control and if anything- took it as a sign or push that I needed to do something relevant / practical. (Different than thinking types- these guys are TRULY practical. They don't overthink stuff. They are caregivers and are very in tune what really needs and should be done. Not just what they feel "anal" about.)

If it did ever go too far, I put him in his place immediately and he would retreat .... his strong feeling preference always trumped his desire to control me. He always wanted us to be "good" and for my feelings never to be hurt.

I don't get this controlling thing everyone talks about. I have a number of ESFJ friends and relatives too. Yes- they like to drive the bus. I guess I am ok with that. If you need to be in control of the mundane things going on- then don't hang with an ESFJ. If you don't mind someone taking the lead in day-to-day things- they are the bomb. They have awesome Fe mixed with their intuition- they always stand up for people. They want everyone to feel good and will go out of their way to fix whatever negative issue is in the room. They see the good in everyone. They do not mind being the only person in the room rooting for someone that everyone else is pissed off at. They stand up for the under dogs. They are hilarious and unique! So much to be learned from them. Every last one of them that are in my life.

If anything- they are deep --- but at times, not "deep" enough for me. When I want to get really deep conversation wise or philosophy wise, I find myself turning to more thinking types or other ENFP types for this.

Not sure how anything of true VALUE would ever get done on the planet without the under-appreciated, humble ESFJs! :) I think if you can see past the perceived controlling issues and realize they really know what the hell they are doing probably more than any other type- you have a gem in your hands.
 

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This thread went dormant- wondering if it's still relevant.

In my experience with an ESFJ partner- "controlling" is used loosely in threads I feel. Mine took control but was not "controlling" or at least I never felt smothered by his sense of control. I usually agreed with the majority of what he was trying to control and if anything- took it as a sign or push that I needed to do something relevant / practical. (Different than thinking types- these guys are TRULY practical. They don't overthink stuff. They are caregivers and are very in tune what really needs and should be done. Not just what they feel "anal" about.)

If it did ever go too far, I put him in his place immediately and he would retreat .... his strong feeling preference always trumped his desire to control me. He always wanted us to be "good" and for my feelings never to be hurt.

I don't get this controlling thing everyone talks about. I have a number of ESFJ friends and relatives too. Yes- they like to drive the bus. I guess I am ok with that. If you need to be in control of the mundane things going on- then don't hang with an ESFJ. If you don't mind someone taking the lead in day-to-day things- they are the bomb. They have awesome Fe mixed with their intuition- they always stand up for people. They want everyone to feel good and will go out of their way to fix whatever negative issue is in the room. They see the good in everyone. They do not mind being the only person in the room rooting for someone that everyone else is pissed off at. They stand up for the under dogs. They are hilarious and unique! So much to be learned from them. Every last one of them that are in my life.

If anything- they are deep --- but at times, not "deep" enough for me. When I want to get really deep conversation wise or philosophy wise, I find myself turning to more thinking types or other ENFP types for this.

Not sure how anything of true VALUE would ever get done on the planet without the under-appreciated, humble ESFJs! :) I think if you can see past the perceived controlling issues and realize they really know what the hell they are doing probably more than any other type- you have a gem in your hands.
Somewhat of a bump here.
Thank you, you made not my day week but atleast my month. So Ive read around the internet, and also about ENFP ESFJ relationships.. and also in real life... that ESFJ has a tendency to get on people´s nerves for being controlling.
From my perspective as an ESFJ, there is alot practical task´s that I have such an easy understanding on how to deal with. I dont dream much on daily basis, I have dreams like family and vacations with a family, but in daily matter, I just want to help my close ones, and I am crazy good at it. But it also seems, that I get scolding and that the help is not appreciated or understood, and luckily for them, they can often use intuition to explain that something that clearly is practically/mathematically proven, can be different anyway... so that I cant help them if they unhelp themselfes. Makes it very weird, because I can see they struggle with this easy thing, and when I try to help, they get mad. Im just shacking my head on this easy practical daily chore, that suddenly seems to has become an issue for another person, that is way more of an issue than it would ever have been for me.
Alot of people are definitely not build for strict daily maintenance chores. Many will find there own way to work and deal with it, but not find much love in the work, nor being quick, whereas ESFJ can find love in any kind of work that can be streamlined, and they are being a part of it on a daily basis, and they are probably being very important in sooo many companies out there, doing the finances, or ton of other jobs that needs constant daily focus on boring stuff... that somehow for ESFJ becomes unboring.. But after learning how other personality types work, I see myself simply sometimes working too hard, and being taken advantage of (atleast if I help and it isnt appreciated). So I have changed alot and now put alot more work into helping myself and focusing on my dreams instead of other´s and being good for me, since I know that when I does that, it will allways be reciprocated ;)
It hurts me abit, that I cant help as much as I would love to, but it surely has some advantages being more self focused, which I guess most other personalities are? That I just didnt understand before.
 

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Somewhat of a bump here.
Thank you, you made not my day week but atleast my month. So Ive read around the internet, and also about ENFP ESFJ relationships.. and also in real life... that ESFJ has a tendency to get on people´s nerves for being controlling.
From my perspective as an ESFJ, there is alot practical task´s that I have such an easy understanding on how to deal with. I dont dream much on daily basis, I have dreams like family and vacations with a family, but in daily matter, I just want to help my close ones, and I am crazy good at it. But it also seems, that I get scolding and that the help is not appreciated or understood, and luckily for them, they can often use intuition to explain that something that clearly is practically/mathematically proven, can be different anyway... so that I cant help them if they unhelp themselfes. Makes it very weird, because I can see they struggle with this easy thing, and when I try to help, they get mad. Im just shacking my head on this easy practical daily chore, that suddenly seems to has become an issue for another person, that is way more of an issue than it would ever have been for me.
Alot of people are definitely not build for strict daily maintenance chores. Many will find there own way to work and deal with it, but not find much love in the work, nor being quick, whereas ESFJ can find love in any kind of work that can be streamlined, and they are being a part of it on a daily basis, and they are probably being very important in sooo many companies out there, doing the finances, or ton of other jobs that needs constant daily focus on boring stuff... that somehow for ESFJ becomes unboring.. But after learning how other personality types work, I see myself simply sometimes working too hard, and being taken advantage of (atleast if I help and it isnt appreciated). So I have changed alot and now put alot more work into helping myself and focusing on my dreams instead of other´s and being good for me, since I know that when I does that, it will allways be reciprocated ;)
It hurts me abit, that I cant help as much as I would love to, but it surely has some advantages being more self focused, which I guess most other personalities are? That I just didnt understand before.
Omg- I can see this / feel this. I know this. :) You are the hardest working people out there. You are under-appreciated. You are misunderstood. I got you though. And - that is amazing that you are finding balance after logically seeing that you are putting in more than you are getting out, per se. Granted - the satisfaction of a hard day's work can be gift enough. But I like how you analyzed that and try to work situations to your overall advantage. Not all ESFJs can do that.
 
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